I was stealthed last night

[Anon00]

I had a drunken one night stand last night, it was really really stupid but I’m only 20 and I’m sure everyone’s been there at some point.

We had sex twice however it was only halfway through the second time I realised that he was lying about wearing a condom. I feel so terrible. I’ve taken the morning after pill (I’ve never done that before I always have safe sex )and he’s in the army so that means he doesn’t have HIV. I don’t think you can get other STD tests at the moment but hopefully it’ll be fine. Is it normal to feel so freaked out by it though ? I’m not really sure what to do I feel a bit violated

But then I’m also just feeling bad because ultimately I shouldn’t have even been getting myself drunk enough to have a one night stand. I’m so confused. I thought when I got the morning after pill that they would ask me how I was etc and maybe I could even just tell the pharmacist and that would make me feel a bit better but they didn’t ask.

@Anon00 That is rape. No matter how you sugar coat it and irregardless of how drunk you are or what name you give it

It's rape, I'm sorry so that's why you're feeling odd about it. You consented to sex with a condom and he didn't use one, so he didn't have your consent. If you need someone to talk to, you could call rape crisis?

And this was NOT your fault.

You didn't consent to that. Calling it 'stealthed' detracts from what it really is.

Stealthed?! That's a very fancy name for sexual assault. What an absolutely awful thing to do. Get yourself an STI test ASAP, and maybe consider a chat with the police if you feel up to it

@Painsnail

Stealthed?! That's a very fancy name for sexual assault. What an absolutely awful thing to do. Get yourself an STI test ASAP, and maybe consider a chat with the police if you feel up to it

I don’t think you can get STI tests atm unless you have symptoms :(

He raped you, so you have every right to feel violated. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL?

I would definitely get an STD test if you can - this must surely be possible if you access a SARC?

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

He raped you, so you have every right to feel violated. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL?

I would definitely get an STD test if you can - this must surely be possible if you access a SARC?

If I tell a medical professional does that mean I’ll have to pursue it legally ? I really don’t want to do that I don’t want anyone to know.

When I found out I left straight away and he was telling me that he already told me he wasn’t wearing one but I know that’s not true because I remember asking him if he had one. I can’t prove that though.

@Handsoffisback

Being in the army doesn’t mean he doesn’t have HIV. They don’t test often enough to know that.

I’m really trying to stay calm. Thousands of people have unprotected sex every day and the vast majority don’t contract HIV I’m so sure that I won’t have it.

He text me today asking if he could see me again and obviously I said no but I asked if he has any STDs and he said no, I know that he could lie but I’m trying to let that reassure me

Why is it rape because he didn't wear a condom ?

The show "I May destroy" you covered this issue recently. This is sexual assault, he needs reporting it could stop him doing it to others if the police contact him. What a prick though. I hope you're okay, OP you're feeling odd because you were violated. This makes me so mad.

Thankyou all for being so kind, it’s made my cry a bit why is good because maybe I’m staying to process it.

I still don’t really know what to do, I can’t tell my parents because they would be SO angry that I had had sex in the first place (religious) and also they have loads on their plates right now with my brother who is suicidal and takes regular overdoses. I would feel even more guilty than I do now burdening them with this. I also can’t tell my friends because I’m just so so embarrassed about it right now.

I might see if there’s a number I can call, but I don’t even know where I would phone it because I live in a really thin walled flat and all my flatmates would hear. I would also need to make sure that I wouldn’t be having to take legal action if I called a number because I don’t want that

@redlockscelt Because the OP didn’t consent to unprotected sex.

www.shl.uk/

This might be very helpful to you regarding testing, OP.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

But then I’m also just feeling bad because ultimately I shouldn’t have even been getting myself drunk enough to have a one night stand.

You did nothing wrong. Do not for a minute make yourself his excuse! You are not his excuse. You are not his reason for making a shitty decision. He made a bad choice. You had nothing to do with that.

@redlockscelt - because that's not what she consented to, so it's a sexual act without the consent of the other party. Pretending you are wearing a condom implies to the other person that they are protected from any STDs or unwanted pregnancy, but they are not.

@redlockscelt

Why is it rape because he didn't wear a condom ?

I didn’t say it was rape, it’s called being stealthed. It made me feel bad because I didn’t consent to anything that would put me at immediate risk of pregnancy or sti’s

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-3-consent

Scroll down to 'conditional' consent.

You’ve been raped, OP. I’m so sorry. STD tests will be available in this case.

Hi OP, hope you’re okay this evening. You can call what happened to you whatever you want to call it. You can report him if you want to, but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. If having std tests will reassure you - then you can try and get an appointment.

You’re not to blame for anything. It’s totally okay to have drunken one night stands.

You take care

Rape Crisis National Telephone Helpline
0808 802 9999
Hopefully they can help you, although they only at 12pm tomorrow.

The show "I May destroy" you covered this issue recently

I was going to mention this. Everyone should watch this. It's exceptional. This show truly explores consent. It unblurs the lines. You can choose if it's right for you right now. It's on iplayer.
It may be a catalyst in clarifying your own thoughts.

No, if you go to a medical professional they won’t automatically report it, that’s up to you. Of course he can have an STI though op. He had unprotected sex with you. He could have had unprotected sex with someone the day before. Being in the army doesn’t stop you from having sex or passing std’s.

Look after yourself. No-one can force you to press charges if you don’t want to (though as previous PPs have said, it was legally rape)