I was stealthed last night

[Anon00]

I had a drunken one night stand last night, it was really really stupid but I’m only 20 and I’m sure everyone’s been there at some point.

We had sex twice however it was only halfway through the second time I realised that he was lying about wearing a condom. I feel so terrible. I’ve taken the morning after pill (I’ve never done that before I always have safe sex )and he’s in the army so that means he doesn’t have HIV. I don’t think you can get other STD tests at the moment but hopefully it’ll be fine. Is it normal to feel so freaked out by it though ? I’m not really sure what to do I feel a bit violated

[quote MollyButton]@neveradullmoment99 It is Rape as she consented to sex with a condom - she did not consent to unprotected sex. And consent is not a one time thing, you can remove consent whenever you want.[/quote]
I have never ever heard of that!
Is it rape if a woman does it too? Says she is on the pill and lies? Just curious.
Anway, its a horrible thing to have happened to you OP. I would feel violated too.

No advice that hasn't already been given just sympathy. He's a creep, this is not your fault, I hope you're able to get tests to reassure you

Actually just looked it up and a woman cant be charged with rape. You need a penis seemingly!

Hope you get help OP
I had a bad situation happen to me years ago.
Didn't realise it at the time but it was rape.

@Lemonlady22

You were drunk, so I assume he was drunk too... maybe he didn't realise either....hes in the army, yeah get him arrested, booted out of the army....or chalk it down to a mistake and dont get so drunk that you end up having one night stands which you regret. Not saying you are in the wrong, but take some responsibility too......if you where my daughter i would say the same to her before you ruin someone's life

Don't talk such utter shite. She asked him if he had a condom, he didn't just 'forget'. As for the misogynistic guff you and numerous other posters are spouting, have a word with yourselves. Having a one night stand (I have never had one by-the-way) is nothing to be ashamed of and in no way compares to sticking your unprotected penis in someone who didn't consent to it. Women who say this type of thing to other women are pathetic victim blamers.

@Lemonlady22

You were drunk, so I assume he was drunk too... maybe he didn't realise either....hes in the army, yeah get him arrested, booted out of the army....or chalk it down to a mistake and dont get so drunk that you end up having one night stands which you regret. Not saying you are in the wrong, but take some responsibility too......if you where my daughter i would say the same to her before you ruin someone's life

I never said I was raped. I have explicitly stated I don’t want to make this a legal thing, I don’t want to ever speak to him again. I only mention he was in the army because it means he’s tested negative for HIV. How on earth am I about to ruin someone’s life

@Lemonlady22

You were drunk, so I assume he was drunk too... maybe he didn't realise either....hes in the army, yeah get him arrested, booted out of the army....or chalk it down to a mistake and dont get so drunk that you end up having one night stands which you regret. Not saying you are in the wrong, but take some responsibility too......if you where my daughter i would say the same to her before you ruin someone's life

Also by taking the morning after pill, getting myself tested when I can surely I am taking responsibility?

@Lemonlady22 he "didn't realise" he wasn't wearing a condom? bollocks.

It's a civil law issue anyway. The only way he'd get kicked out of the military is if he did jail time for it, which seems unlikely.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not what you consented to, so he sexually assaulted you. Whether your pursue it legally or not is entirely up to you, but please don't take his word that he's not got an STD. He also told you he was wearing a condom and he wasn't, so you know his word is absolutely not to be trusted. He wouldn't be routinely tested for STIs once in the military so please do get tested for everything, including HIV. I'm sorry. It's unlikely, but you cannot be too careful and his being in the military is very far from a guarantee that he's clear now, even if he was when he got in.

Also, please don't feel guilty, or let anyone make you feel guilty, for having a one night stand. You're an adult and perfectly entitled to have sex with another consenting adult, whether it's a one night stand or a long-term relationship makes no difference whatsoever. What shouldn't have happened is this arsehole taking advantage of you.

@Lemonlady22
1950 called, they'd like you to go back now.

@neveradullmoment99
Did you miss the bit where she consented to sex with a condom, not without ?
Either read the thread properly or leave the poor op alone, she's been through enough without nonsense and amateur legal analysis from you and @Lemonlady22

@Lemonlady22

if you where my daughter i would say the same to her before you ruin someone's life

What would you say if it was your son in this scenario? Would you tell him not to commit a sexual assault before you ruin someone's life or would you shrug and chalk it all up to experience, drunken silliness, boys will be boys etc?

OP I'm of course not implying your life is ruined. Take care of your physical health safe in the knowledge no medical professional will be required to report or pressure you to do the same. Take care of your mental health in whichever way you feel best. I'm sorry your university experience has started this way. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your time there and best of luck with your nursing degree.

Bless you OP, what shitty creature he is. You can order std tests online for a fee -£100 quid or that you do yourself at home and post off very anonymously. I've done this before in similar circumstances.
I understand your hesitation to call it what other posters are calling it, but you are absolutely right and entitled to feel whatever way you feel.

Or so*

A similar thing happened to me about 9 years ago op. I look back now and wish I had reported it, along with a number or other incidents that happened over the years. This one really sticks in my memory though.

I’ve registered with the uni gp and I’m going to try and get an appointment and I read I can get an std test there

@Anon00 I don't want to push you, but it concerns me that you think his being in the military means he's definitely HIV free. In all probability, he is, but he absolutely won't be routinely tested for HIV just because he's in the military. The only way he'd have been made to have one through the Army is if he's been directed to as a result of visiting prostitutes in areas with a high rate of infection and his chain of command have found out about it.

I understand that you don't want to call it rape, and that's entirely your prerogative, but Rape Crisis may be worth contacting just to see if they could direct you to available sexual health provision.

Ah, sorry cross-posted. I hope the GP is able to help.

It happened to me. I’m really sorry it happened to you. I bought the condoms. He put it on. He must have removed it as we were doing doggy style. I only realised after. I didn’t realise it was rape until many months later. I blocked him on everything the day after as I was so angry. When he finally managed to message me (via Instagram...I don’t use it but it’s on my phone so had forgotten about it) I pointed out that he had raped me. Never heard from him since.get an STD test. And deal with it whichever way makes you feel better.

Sorry this has happened to you. You absolutely can get a full sexual health screening right now (I work in sexual health, much of it you can do at home with a self sampling kit, you can get these privately even if not available in your area).

@Anon00

I’ve registered with the uni gp and I’m going to try and get an appointment and I read I can get an std test there

Hope your ok. Speak to some one professional and they will be able to guide you through it. It will be completely confidential. I see you’ve booked in with the uni GP that’s a great start.

Also don’t blame yourself x

@Anon00

I’ve registered with the uni gp and I’m going to try and get an appointment and I read I can get an std test there

This is a good idea. As another poster mentioned STIs have window periods where a recent infection would not show up on any tests so there would be no point getting tested at the moment. If you were to contact your nearest sexual health service (another option and they’re totally non judgemental) they would tell you this. sh24.org.uk/sexual-health/stis/sti-testing

However, it is worth contacting either to let them know that you had unprotected (condomless) sex as they might want to take you through a risk assessment and possible give you PEP (like the MAP but for HIV). This would need to be started within 72 hrs and the sooner the better to be effective.

Sorry you’ve experienced this and absolutely your choice not to take what happened any further.

FWIW Seems there is some case law on this now re implied use of condoms..

Conditional' Consent

Section 74 has recently been considered by the High Court and the Court of Appeal in a series of cases where ostensible consent in relation to sexual offences was considered not to be true consent, either because a condition upon which consent was given was not complied with or because of a material deception (other than one which falls within section 76 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 [SOA]). The resultant judgments identified three sets of circumstances in which consent to sexual activity might be vitiated where the condition was breached.

In Julian Assange v Swedish Prosecution Authority [2011] EWHC 2849 (Admin), an extradition case, the President of the Queens Bench Division considered the situation in which Mr Assange knew that AA would only consent to sexual intercourse if he used a condom. Rejecting the view that the conclusive presumption in section 76 of the SOA would apply in these circumstances the President concluded that the "issue of materiality ...can be determined under section 74 rather than section 76".

On the specific facts the President said:

"It would plainly be open to a jury to hold that if AA had made clear that she would only consent to sexual intercourse if Mr Assange used a condom, then there would be no consent if, without her consent, he did not use a condom, or removed or tore the condom ..... His conduct in having sexual intercourse without a condom in circumstances where she had made clear she would only have sexual intercourse if he used a condom would therefore amount to an offence under the Sexual Offences Act 2003...."

“and he’s in the army so that means he doesn’t have HIV.”

What on Earth gave you that idea?

There’s no routine testing for std’s in the army. It’s encouraged but they have the same rights to not consent (ironically) to being tested as the rest of us.

If I tell a medical professional does that mean I’ll have to pursue it legally ? no you don’t have to but it would be good to give yourself the option by writing down what happened while it’s fresh in your mind and getting as much evidence collected as possible.

As he’s army you could also report to their authorities. I’ll be honest this may not get you any immediate satisfaction but could impact his promotion prospects at least.

I’m in Scotland too op there are avenues and organisations you can access

https://www.mygov.scot/rape-assault/support-for-female-victims/

https://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk