I was stealthed last night

[Anon00]

I had a drunken one night stand last night, it was really really stupid but I’m only 20 and I’m sure everyone’s been there at some point.

We had sex twice however it was only halfway through the second time I realised that he was lying about wearing a condom. I feel so terrible. I’ve taken the morning after pill (I’ve never done that before I always have safe sex )and he’s in the army so that means he doesn’t have HIV. I don’t think you can get other STD tests at the moment but hopefully it’ll be fine. Is it normal to feel so freaked out by it though ? I’m not really sure what to do I feel a bit violated

@MintyMabel

You didn't consent to that. Calling it 'stealthed' detracts from what it really is.

I get that people perhaps want to make it clear how much of an issue this, but to come on to a thread where an OP has gone through something like this, how about letting her call it what she wants to, rather than immediately jumping in to tell her she has been raped. If I were in that position, the only thing that serves to do is to make me feel a million times worse about it.

Jesus, it wasn’t even done with any tact. Is this what we’ve come to now? Blurting out things like that ostensibly “to educate” victims rather than dealing with it a little more sensitively.

This. Have some empathy.

Chances are you probably don't have an STI, OP. But understandable you'd be worried. I don't know if there are any emergency services - seems crazy if there aren't. But otherwise all you can do is wait until you can get a test. I hope you don't have to wait long. Don't feel bad - you didn't do anything wrong and don't need to feel guilty, or feel any pressure to treat this as a crime or do anything about it. Just take care of yourself.

Google Rape Crisis Scotland, they have a helpline number you can ring.

Oh babe, not your fault at all. Most of us have had a ONS in youth. Very normal. But lying about the condom is rape.

The MAP is nothing to be ashamed of and I believe you can order testing kits through the post for other STIs. Look up your local sexual health clinic, they will have guidance on what to do for tests right now (I just went to mine for contraception and they are seeing patients).

Call rape crisis or the Samaritans if you can. You don't have to pursue it legally. You could even see your GP and discuss some counselling.

www.nhsinform.scot/care-support-and-rights/nhs-services/sexual-health/sexual-health-services-online-appointments-booking-system

What a bastard.
This happened to me once and it was such a shock.
I agree with PP tho - I'm not sure how helpful it is to be saying to OP that YOUVE BEEN RAPED. I personally didnt see it this way despite what it might legally be. It is a totally scummy and abusive thing to do but I wouldnt have personally found the rape discourse very helpful.

Your university will absolutely have some form of counselling/advice service and it will almost certainly be completely confidential - they only notify if you or someone else is in danger. No-one else will be told on your course without your consent.

Best place to look is on your university website, it will pretty heavily advertised (especially with all the new starters). It will also set out the terms of their confidentiality.

Please do speak to someone, no matter how drunk, this is not your fault.

And obviously OP it goes without saying that it was in no way you're fault. Look after yourself and keep your anger xxx

Your *

This is not your fault, you only consented to safe sex. Report him or he'll do this again and again. The sexual health clinics are open, do go and get yourself checked out. Hope you are ok.

@Toomuchtrouble4me You fail to see how it's rape, unfortunately the law doesn't under 74 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 [SOA]). He's committed a crime.

She does not have to report him if she doesnt want! FFS.

Some of you need to work on your empathy.

I've found the one at Edinburgh, but all universities will have one. Check, obviously, but generally they are designed to be completely impartial and won't disclose anything to the University without your permission.

You've had a trauma. You have been violated by someone you don't really know. That's a very uncomfortable feeling for you. The trust you place in this man has evaporated and left you feeling scorched. He did not honour his end of the deal. That's a terrible feeling for you.
Look after your mind (counselling). Look after your body (get your tests done). Take time to heal. Love yourself! You are human. You are 20. Sex is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! Explore it with joy and don't let this asshole ruin it for you! But first heal. Take your time to understand what has happened to you.

You can't self refer for therapy in Scotland the way you can in England, but this number/website was recommended on the NHS site for those living in Scotland. breathingspace.scot/

Hello,

Sorry what should have been a fun time ended up being shitty

Just to reiterate (through personal experience) the point a PP made that the morning after pill only works before ovulation so that it is possible to get pregnant after ovulation even with taking the pill

Get a IUD from the GP if there is a chance you have ovulated

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. None of it is your fault. As others have said, speak to Rape Crisis Scotland - www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk - call on 08088 01 03 02 they're available between 6pm and midnight. Email: [email protected]

You can get tested at the moment, but you should wait 2 weeks after the unprotected sex as some stis won't show up immediately.

Google your nearest sexual health clinic. Mine is not allowing walk ins, but you can book appointments so just call in a week or so and say you need a check and explain the situation. If you feel uncomfortable telling them what happened, you could just say it was a one night stand and the condom split and you are very worried.

Good luck

OP I'm sorry this happened to you. Is it possible to get him to admit in text messages that he didn't wear a condom when you specifically asked him to? If you can that might come in very useful, you never know how you will feel in a week or a month's time.

You did nothing wrong. Having a one-night stand does not hurt anyone else. On the other hand, having sex with someone without a condom when they have specifically requested you wear one is a crime. The two actions are nowhere near the same.

@redlockscelt

Why is it rape because he didn't wear a condom ?

I dont get that either. She consented. How is it rape? Imo, that is a huge leap.

OP, the counsellor will usually be attached to the student medical/wellbeing service, and they have to be entirely confidential, except where there's a child at risk. They absolutely wouldn't go round telling your academic supervisors. Alternatively your GP practice might have a counsellor, or one of the advisory services will have specialist counsellors.

Here's an example of an Edinburgh uni page, with links to Scottish support as well as uni support.
www.ed.ac.uk/students/health-wellbeing/crisis-support/sexual-violence/support

You can order an at home STD test kit online. I've never done it, but you can find them here:

sh24.org.uk

OP, I feel very sorry for you, particularly as you are so young.

I won't comment on my opinion on one night stands (I never had one), but please, please, have more respect for yourself in future. It is so dangerous to go to a stranger's place and have sex with them, not knowing anything about their medical, mental or social history.

Hope you will be OK.

You could also try the NHS Scotland booking system and see what happens:

nashonlinebooking.com/onlinebookingsystem/en/?hbref=7303126

@neveradullmoment99 It is Rape as she consented to sex with a condom - she did not consent to unprotected sex. And consent is not a one time thing, you can remove consent whenever you want.

@gypsywater

What a bastard. This happened to me once and it was such a shock. I agree with PP tho - I'm not sure how helpful it is to be saying to OP that YOUVE BEEN RAPED. I personally didnt see it this way despite what it might legally be. It is a totally scummy and abusive thing to do but I wouldnt have personally found the rape discourse very helpful.

Yep. People are getting ahead of themselves and allowing their anger with this bloke to take over, rather than actively being helpful and empathetic to the OP. I can feel her getting more distressed rather than less as people ramp up the fury.

Can we all focus on her rather than him for now?

OP, please don't blame yourself, and follow the Scottish link that someone posted. You don't have to do anything more than you want to regarding this. Take the tests you need, and then look after yourself. It's entirely your choice whether you take it further, so don't feel pressured in either direction.

I mean DO follow the link!