I was stealthed last night

[Anon00]

I had a drunken one night stand last night, it was really really stupid but I’m only 20 and I’m sure everyone’s been there at some point.

We had sex twice however it was only halfway through the second time I realised that he was lying about wearing a condom. I feel so terrible. I’ve taken the morning after pill (I’ve never done that before I always have safe sex )and he’s in the army so that means he doesn’t have HIV. I don’t think you can get other STD tests at the moment but hopefully it’ll be fine. Is it normal to feel so freaked out by it though ? I’m not really sure what to do I feel a bit violated

[Bluntness100]

It is technically rape as you didn’t consent to unprotected sex. You consented to protected sex. However there is some argument about it, and victims charities are calling for it to be classed as rape.

Stealthed is a terrible name for it in my view and minimises it.

What happened when you found out half way through he wasn’t wearing a condom, did you both stop?

He’s a piece of shit op and just block him, you’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s highly unlikely he’s got hiv, so don’t panic yourself. 💐

[BashfulClam]

If you tell a partner to wear a condom and they don’t they have changed the conditions of that agreement and consent is then null and void. It isa sexual assault. If you speak to rape crisis they won’t make you take any legal action, they may suggest it but you will not have to. You can even use a different name, they will give you advice re STD testing.I hope you are ok.

[ReceptacleForTheRespectable]

You won't be forced to report it to the police if you tell a medical professional - they will respect your right to choose.

You can find out where your nearest referral centre is here:

www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape%20and%20sexual%20assault%20referral%20centres/LocationSearch/364

[Anon00]

@Bluntness100

It is technically rape as you didn’t consent to unprotected sex. You consented to protected sex. However there is some argument about it, and victims charities are calling for it to be classed as rape.

Stealthed is a terrible name for it in my view and minimises it.

What happened when you found out half way through he wasn’t wearing a condom, did you both stop?

He’s a piece of shit op and just block him, you’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s highly unlikely he’s got hiv, so don’t panic yourself. 💐

When I found out I was like what the fuck why aren’t you wearing a condom and he said that he’d told me he wasn’t (but he hadnt) and I said that I wasn’t doing anything else so I grabbed my stuff and left. I was meant stay at his but obviously didn’t want to

[MintyMabel]

You didn't consent to that. Calling it 'stealthed' detracts from what it really is.

I get that people perhaps want to make it clear how much of an issue this, but to come on to a thread where an OP has gone through something like this, how about letting her call it what she wants to, rather than immediately jumping in to tell her she has been raped. If I were in that position, the only thing that serves to do is to make me feel a million times worse about it.

Jesus, it wasn’t even done with any tact. Is this what we’ve come to now? Blurting out things like that ostensibly “to educate” victims rather than dealing with it a little more sensitively.

[Kanaloa]

This is an awful thing to have happened. You mentioned being worried about having to press charges if you tell a medical professional but medical professionals won’t pressure you to contact police if you don’t want to do this. You are able to get STD testing at some sexual health clinics - a lot of walk in centres have these.

[anotherhumanfemale]

Hey OP, what he did is awful. It's been named and I know either of the terms that have been used can seem quite scary, but don't worry. Medical professionals are there for your medical health, they're not police. They have to report things like suspected child abuse, or (I think) domestic violence, but they're not obligated to report this.

Think of it this way, if it helps, you haven't done anything wrong, you're seeking medical help (if you want) and they don't know who did it. Even if they were going to report it, what could happen? Nobody can force you to say his name! You're in control now, nobody else.

[Squiffany]

OP, I’m sorry you’ve been raped. Whilst you don’t have to report being raped to the police, at the very least you need to get yourself tested.

Don’t blame yourself. Getting drunk and having consensual sex is fine. Him removing the condom without your knowledge and consent is not, regardless of how much you had drunk.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

Don't feel guilty or ashamed, Anon00. I've had one-night stands, so have lots of people, no big deal.

But he played a dirty trick on you, not using a condom. So you do need to get checked for STDs and of course pregnancy. Don't panic, but just get the checks done as soon as possible. You were very sensible leaving when you did and not seeing him again.

Best of luck with it all.

[S111n20]

“I may destroy you” covered a lot of issues what is ok and what’s not. Op I hope you are ok 💐

[WeirdlyOdd]

That's sexual assault/rape. What a bastard. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Try one of the helplines people have mentioned - some have email help too, if you're worried about being overheard. They might be able to advise on what tests are available at present and help you access emotional support to process this.

Re: Morning after pill. Whether it works or not depends on where you are in your cycle. No one ever told me this, but it stops ovulation, so if you've already ovulated, then you can still get pregnant. However you can have an IUD fitted to prevent this, although unfortunately this is obviously more invasive.

Also they won't insist on reporting to police. That's entirely up to you.

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

He is a scumbag.

I wonder if you could report this to the Army, if you wanted to pursue it. Which you don't have to, you are in charge of what happens next.

FWIW, it happened to me too, 25 years ago. I was fine, and I didn't report it - no evidence.

He was a moron who eventually landed up on the sex offenders register. Which is where he belongs.

[Anon00]

@WeirdlyOdd

That's sexual assault/rape. What a bastard. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Try one of the helplines people have mentioned - some have email help too, if you're worried about being overheard. They might be able to advise on what tests are available at present and help you access emotional support to process this.

Re: Morning after pill. Whether it works or not depends on where you are in your cycle. No one ever told me this, but it stops ovulation, so if you've already ovulated, then you can still get pregnant. However you can have an IUD fitted to prevent this, although unfortunately this is obviously more invasive.

Also they won't insist on reporting to police. That's entirely up to you.

It’s been so kind of everyone to suggest the helplines and websites but they’re all for England / London and I’m in Scotland . I’m trying to find something for Scotland but I can’t seem to. There’ll be something tho I’ll keep googling

[Squiffany]

@Toomuchtrouble4me

Fuck off.

[Justaboy]

Poor you!

I think at least you have one thing out of the way, this is a very bad situation that has happened but at least with the morning after pill thats a possible unwanted pregnacy and all the problems that would entail out the way!

In my opinion that counts as rape, as you consented with a condom then matey didnt use one. However it seems from what you say you don't want to make it worse by your parents being involved which if you were to lodge a complaint of rape to the police I suspect that one way to the other that infomnation would leak out.

Best bet is to phone a or the local rape crises centre and tell them what happened and what You now want to do ie make a offical complaint ot accusastion of rape or be advicesd on what to do. I think that STI tests really ought be done he may or not have anyhing that serios maybe he's carrying chalmidia we or you just won't know so press for that to be done that my set your mind at rest more.

He may say he has has no or any STI's i very much doubt he knows even he can a be a carrier but not be exhibing symptoms the mere fact he's army dosnt make him immune in any way!

So best to get on the phone to rape crisis tell them what ahppened and then do your best to get tested.

Hope it all works now for you!.

[PolkadotsAndMoonbeams]

Are you at one of the universities? They'll have someone you can speak to confidentially who can give advice and point you to the right people.

[stripeyd]

@sociallydistained

The show "I May destroy" you covered this issue recently. This is sexual assault, he needs reporting it could stop him doing it to others if the police contact him. What a prick though. I hope you're okay, OP you're feeling odd because you were violated. This makes me so mad.

I was going to put the same thing

[Anon00]

@PolkadotsAndMoonbeams

Are you at one of the universities? They'll have someone you can speak to confidentially who can give advice and point you to the right people.

I’m worried they’ll kick me out. I study nursing and we’ve been explicitly warned the standards for us to stay within the lockdown rules is much greater than other students and there will be big consequences if we break to them. Last night was the only time I’ve broke them but it’s still bad I know

[tenlittlecygnets]

Op, there is nothing wrong with having a one night stand. You did nothing wrong.

This man, on the other hand, did. What a bastard. If you don't want to go to the police, could you talk to someone? Rape Crisis?

[MsKeats]

This is assault. Please don't let him get away with it. Please report it to the police -you are a VICTIM here

[Betty12331]

Sorry op . You can get these self test Sti kits on the nhs in a lot of areas . Or speak to a rape charity etc . You did nothing wrong .

[TheVanguardSix]

Oh I am so sorry! I was being such a 'Londoner' giving you a London only site! I am so sorry I was that person. How stupid of me.

This may be better!

www.nhsinform.scot/care-support-and-rights/nhs-services/sexual-health/sexual-health-services-online-appointments-booking-system