Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

487 replies

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 13:07

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

OP posts:
UnaMujer · 22/09/2020 13:08

Not at all.

Dozycuntlaters · 22/09/2020 13:21

Nope, I would never and have never judged.

On the flip side, when DS was small and at primary school I used to drop him off, and I felt judged for being a working mum.

Horses for courses and all that, as long as it works for you and your family then that's all that matters.

HUCKMUCK · 22/09/2020 13:26

No - it's none of my business what anyone else does or why they are doing it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
BanditsBum · 22/09/2020 13:28

Nope, I was raised by one and am a huge supporter of women having the choice of going back to work or not.

But I did once have a bit of an argument with a SAHM (who had one child - relevant) who said that I couldn't possibly understand how much more difficult it was being at home with a child every day.....when I was on mat leave.... with my second child... and had a 3 year old at home at the same time. Yeah no idea because I work 24 hours a day, don't have weekends or holidays and have magic fairies who do the cleaning, tidying, laundry etc.

Tigger03 · 22/09/2020 13:28

None whatsoever - if anything I’m envious as I don’t have the choice.

Love51 · 22/09/2020 13:32

Only if they complain about it. Which they don't in real life, only on here.
Complaining about it is the time equivalent of 'my diamond shoes are too tight'.
But that's coz I'm envious.

Love51 · 22/09/2020 13:32

X posted with @Tigger03

Terrace58 · 22/09/2020 13:34

I’ve been both, so no.

I do worry about parents who have no job prospects or back up plan. I get very frustrated with people who put themselves in the position where leaving abuse is not financially feasible. This is because I grew up in that situation.

sarahc336 · 22/09/2020 13:34

Not at all, I go to work for a break, sometimes I feel sahm should judge me Grin

BoogleMcGroogle · 22/09/2020 13:34

Not at all. My 'mum friends' are a mixture of stay at homers and out to workers. Provided they are kind and funny, I really don't care. I'm also working on the assumption that my stay at home friends don't judge me for employing nannies, housekeepers etc so I can keep going out to work. I agree that there can be some internal judgement from both 'types'. A stay at home ( actually home educating) mum friend said to me the mother day that what I got up to made her feel 'inadequate' which is of course utter nonsense as she's brilliant.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/09/2020 13:37

Not at all - I do sometimes have the tiniest bit of judgement for SAHP's of teens who are at school all day and then come on here and tell us they're terribly busy with 'all the home admin and booking holidays' in answer to threads about boredom... But that's my problem.

I do worry about SAHMs though because so many of them are making themselves incredibly financially vulnerable.

ZaZathecat · 22/09/2020 13:37

One friend was judgemental towards me. She's not my friend now for that among other reasons.

Ifmusicbethefoodoflove · 22/09/2020 13:39

No, why would I? As long as they don’t give me shit for working full time. And then I judge them for different reasons.

ktsc89 · 22/09/2020 13:41

I am newly pregnant and was speaking to my mum and aunties about having a new born/toddler etc. They had a few children and didn't go back to work until after the last child (and for one auntie not for 8/9 years after). I was actually envious as I won't have that choice. I am the most stable earner and am having to way up how long I can afford to be on mat leave which is disappointing.

If you are in the position to do so, then no judgement at all. Rewind a few years (and I don't mean many!) and it would have been stranger to go back to work!

I have gone to school with some people however that have had a lot of children and have not worked since they left school (and do not have partners bringing in the money) and have relied on the state.

I am not even sure I can afford two children with the costs of childcare, so I do get frustrated at that position, but each to their own as I'm sure I have more luxuries then they do, like being a homeowner.

ReeseWitherfork · 22/09/2020 13:41

No judgement. I must admit I have a curiosity about people who do things differently from me/most of my peers which is working part time. So both SAHMs and full time working mums. (I also know a couple of SAHDs and part time dads.) I don’t tend to snoop or ask them to divulge personal details, and I certainly hope I’ve never made anyone feel like they have to justify their choice, but I may have queried aspects if I felt it was appropriate to do so.

anotherpersontoday · 22/09/2020 13:44

I don't work or have children (is stay at home wife a thing?) so if they judge you god knows what they'd make of me!

SexyGiraffe · 22/09/2020 13:44

I don't judge but I do worry about the number of women who gaily give up their independence and earning potential and I hope to doesn't turn round to bite them on the arse in years to come. Turns out if I had not kept up my career we'd be utterly screwed now (DH is not an arsehole fortunately, but did suffer a life changing injury which has left him unable to work). It's a big risk to take, but I do understand it is the right choice for some people, and some people don't have a choice.

doctorhamster · 22/09/2020 13:46

I've been a sahm for 12 years now and if people are judging me they're not doing it to my face Grin

Thatcouldbeme · 22/09/2020 13:47

Nope, I really don't give it any thought whatsoever to be honest, my friends are a mix of both. I probably have a little bit more to talk about with working friends but very little difference in our friendships over all. I've had a few judgy comments from SAHMs for working full-time so honestly I think you get judged either way.

MrsJBaptiste · 22/09/2020 13:51

I judge the ones who have older kids like mine (high school age) and waffle on that they just don't have time to do anything... Try commuting, working, cooking, cleaning rather than just pottering round having 'so much to do' and never actually doing anything!

JonasKahnwald · 22/09/2020 13:51

No but I do find the concept completely alien. I don't know (and have never known) any sahps. I can't get my head around relying on somebody else completely for money, having no influence on the amount of money coming into the household.

Crystal87 · 22/09/2020 13:53

I've also been both. I prefer being a sahm than a working one. With 4 kids I would find it so hard to fit working hours around my children and it must take a lot of effort. So I respect working mums who do manage, but I respect stay at home mums too because it can be full on being with your child 24/7 without a break and you're sacrificing your career, friendships and just generally being around other adults.
You can feel you lose a little piece of yourself as a sahm, but personally I believe it's worth it to be the one bringing my kids up and not to have to put them in wraparound childcare.

lazylinguist · 22/09/2020 13:53

I wouldn't judge anyone on how much or little paid employment they do. As long as it works for them (and their partner if they have one), then what is there to judge? It's true that some women risk being in a precarious situation if they don't work and then find themselves single, but that's their choice. No judgement from me.

Dee1975 · 22/09/2020 13:54

Not at all. I know how hard it is from being on mat leave! But I have felt judged in the past for being a working mum. In the ‘I am better than you because I don’t have to work’. When in fact, the mum doesn't have you work because of her partner, not because of her own Financial gain. (And as it happens I don’t need to work either, but I choose to. It gives me a break!)

AlexaShutUp · 22/09/2020 13:55

No, I don't judge. I pres that you're doing what you believe is right for your family, just as I'm doing what I believe is right for mine.

I do think that I would hate to be in your situation. However, I'm sure that some of you feel the same in the opposite direction. If you and your family are happy with your choices, it's really none of my business how you choose to organise your lives.