Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[SAHMparanoia]

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

@GlovesAndBoots

I didn't want my children to grow up with a family role model. Daddy goes out to work and earns the money. Mummy stays at home and cleans the house, cooks and changes nappies. No way.

You don't have to do what your parents do!
If both parents work full time as a PA and an electrician the kids don't have to follow suit.

Just because someone doesn't work to look after their young kids doesn't mean their kids will grow up to think they can't work!! So bloody stupid.

I agree. My mom was a SAHM (and childminder) until I was in secondary school, and then she retrained and went back to work. I went on to achieve a masters degree from a really prestigious university. My sister is an A&E nurse. Yes, I am now on maternity leave, I may take time off after that and then begin a new job when my DD is about 2, but I am highly qualified, experienced, and intelligent.

My mom taught me that hard work gets me places. She stayed at home with us, and she was and is the hardest worker I have ever encountered. She never said I had to be a SAHM but she showed me if I wanted to, that it was an important role and a hard one that I should take seriously.

@ReeseWitherfork

I wonder if perhaps SAHP will do full circle and become more fashionable again soon.

I think the “what do you do all day?!” comments come from people who recognise (subconsciously) that appliances have replaced endless hours of housework and there’s been a huge market in convenience. However, I think an increasing amount of people are ignoring convenience: local butchers and milkman have been making a comeback, veg boxes are all the rage. Reusable nappies are seeing a surge in demand. All of these things take time.

Or perhaps we’ll continue to make strides with flexible working and that’ll be the future.

(That’s not to say I think SAHP are twiddling their thumbs just because they don’t have to manually wash their clothes!)

I think the comments “what do you do all day” comes from other parents that do what you have listed! Washing and so on... plus go to work as well I suppose from the SAHM it can seem mean or thoughtless... but from working parent who has just finished their shift and then had a friend that’s moaning how exhausted they are it would make anyone wonder what are they doing? Especially once the children are in full time school.

Probably a case of thinking the grass is greener.

@Littered5 I haven’t listed anything?

Not at all! If you want to do it, and can afford it, then that's really great for you.

We could certainly afford it now (not so easy in the past), but now with the kids being teenagers, and having a good job, I'll stay working for now. Extra money is handy, and I (most of the time) like my job.

I dont judge but I find it insulting when ones I know claim to be so busy and are so stressed and dare to think my life of juggling is all peachy.

Sqidgebum - exactly. Your mum sounds fab. Why do you have to be in paid employment to be a good role model and teach your kids work ethic? There are many types of unpaid work that are vital to our society - caring for young children included. Teach them respect for that and empower and support them to make their own choices in life.

Nichynoo - ask them instead making assumptions and stereotyping. It’s not all yoga classes and housework. Volunteering, caring for elderly relatives, studying...

You don't have to do what your parents do!
If both parents work full time as a PA and an electrician the kids don't have to follow suit.
Of course they don't have to have the same jobs as their parents, but it's just as valid for someone to decide they don't want to model a traditional man works and woman stays home as it is for another couple to say they want to model a traditional set up.

Neither me or DH want to model the traditional approach to DC for various reasons, but mainly because we both believe that shared parental leave, flexible working, equal allocation of childcare and maintaining careers are important options for men and women.

We want DC to see that a more equal way is possible that doesn't mean the sort of false equality where mum can have her career but still does all the wife work because dad has a big and important job so needs the woman in his life ironing his boxers and carrying all the mental load for the family.
We both work part time, allocate wife work fairly and it works for us.

@nicknamehelp

I dont judge but I find it insulting when ones I know claim to be so busy and are so stressed and dare to think my life of juggling is all peachy.

Why does anyone what to hear any how busy you are on a constant basis- it's so dull. I'm busy sometimes - I don't plan to be, who does? sometimes other things are happening in your live that you have not control over - often elderly relatives and you need space to deal - whether you work or not.

@NichyNoo

I definitely don’t judge but I do secretly wonder what they do all day if their kids are school age....

Or do you secretly judge that they don't do something worthwhile in your opinion.

Choice is the main thing, and hoping that your own daughters have free choice.

Absolutely this, providing it's an informed choice and you are happy, it's as valid as any other choice.

I do think about SAHM "how do you do it?" But also I think that about full time working patents as well.

I'm only part time with 2 kids and I struggle being home with them all day. Its much to challenging for my mental health.
But also im stretched to breaking point and I dont understand how parents working full time do it.

No, not judgement , don't think it's something I would have chosen . However as a single parent who a has always worked full time , sometimes I would have liked the option .
Balancing everyone's needs and work was pretty exhausting but I imagine being being a SAHM is exhausting sometimes too.