Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[SAHMparanoia]

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

I don’t at all but I have a job that I mostly enjoy (I do moan about it but love it really!!) and I find SAHM’s I meet feel they have to justify themselves to me, often talking about previous careers or degrees as if to prove themselves. So they obviously feel judged (hopefully by society in general and not me!). For me, working is about more than money but whatever works for you and makes you happy, just go for it!

No judging here.

No judgement at all from over here. If anything, I feel like I'm the bad parent as I want to go to work and could literally think of nothing worse than being stuck in the house all day with my child 🙈 All power to women who do and enjoy it!

No I don’t judge, if we have a second child I may take a career break for a few years myself. The school day especially is very short and restrictive I think it makes life a whole lot easier for the family.

I work 3 full days a week currently. I have a friend, that I was complaining to (as you do with friends) that DD has a cold (runny nose) that made her cough. She was sent home from nursery with a cough and I was just venting that I don’t think the situation can continue as it’s too hard on working parents. She didn’t understand and gave me a list of reasons why I’m wrong.

Just little things like that it can be harder to relate to friends who are SAHM’s right now or don’t use childcare.

Please don’t worry about what others think. If you are running the home, then own it- I’m sure you’re doing a great job and if you want to work in the future then things with plan out.

I’m not sure if what I feel is judgement. I feel that SAHMs who have given up a career and can’t possibly envisage that they may one day need to earn a decent living are naive. I find it hard as an outsider to their relationship to have the same faith that they do that their DH will not leave them, demand half the assets and pay only the minimum child support. I am hyper aware of the power imbalance in a relationship where one partner has all the financial power because I grew up with a mum who didn’t work and therefore couldn’t afford to leave a miserable husband.
For women without a career, earning minimum wage in a demeaning job I totally get why they stay at home though.

I don't judge, except for one couple I know where the one isn't really happy about being the only breadwinner (lies awake at night worrying about money) and the SAHP couldn't give a toss as long as they don't have to work. But in the main, no, I'm a bit jealous if anything (never had the option myself), and I quite often feel judged for working full time - asking if I couldn't budget better to afford being a SAHM, and my DC's school is a bit sneery of working mums. We all do whatever we need to do for us, I think some people forget not everyone is in the same situation.

I don't think so, but I have definitely felt that I am judged for working. But I guess that's human nature - we are all more sensitive to things that relate to us personally. However I know that my sense of being looked down on by a particular relative was not over sensitivity as she went to the trouble of putting it in writing, many times over. However, over the years I have come to the conclusion that most judgemental people are insecure. They need to validate their own choices by putting down those of others. People who are really confident in their own decisions rarely make a big deal of other people choosing something different in my experience. Unless they are attacked for their choices anyway - I think most people will hit back if faced with abuse. I may have said a few things to my relative that would never have entered my mind had she not been so unpleasant to me.
But generally, no. If someone asks me why I chose to work I will tell them, and some of that will inevitably involve talking about what I see as the downsides of staying at home, but I can see there are advantages too, and that different people have different circumstances and priorities - doesn't make one of us right and the other wrong.

No I don't judge. I feel admiration but not jealousy. I am content with my decision to work.

I do judge my sil a bit as she has never worked and does not ever intend to but that's different.

No I don’t.

If SAHM love staying at home then fair play. I wish I’d had enjoyed it more.

I fucking hated it. I found it incredibly boring, it wasn’t stimulating enough and the amount of house work I was expected to do fucked me right off. I didn’t get satisfaction from cleaning my house.

Back at work again now and my life is hectic but I have sense of purpose that is centred around my kids or my ex.

For me, the possibility that I could be pennyless at the whim of my ex was too much of a risk in the end.

No judgement in fact I think fair play I’m not sure I could do it! I go to work because I love my job and It keeps me sane. I personally wouldn’t be happy not working even if DP was a huge earner but to each their own! We have found a good balance between part time/compressed hours etc.

No judgement. More admiration as it’s something I could never do personally, but we’re all different so each to their own and what works for them best.

Never!
I am however sometimes jealous of SAHMs with school age kids. I know there’s not much time between drop off and pick up but specially if you think of all the shopping, cooking and cleaning that might be expected. I do imagine that they might have 1 hour just for themselves in a day.

I am jealous just because I don’t like my current work and do it only for the money. Before I loved my job and wouldn’t be jealous at all.

No judgement from me - we all make our choices and live with the consequences. My DDs are 17 and 19 now, and when they were little, I got a fair amount of judgement for working full time. So I'd never do that to someone else who made a different choice, because I know how it feels.

SAHM would not have been for me, but we're all different and all just making it work.

No judgment so long as they’ve made that choice with their eyes wide open (so I know some who have an investment property or other source of income). I fret about those who don’t have a Plan B but it’s none of my business to judge them.

But yes, I’ve definitely been openly judged for working FT e.g. ‘I couldn’t leave my DC with a stranger just to earn money’. At that point I’m judging them but no because they don’t work!

Not at all.

I’ve only ever felt self conscious of me working 4 days a week and that others might judge me for not spending more time with my DD.

I personally feel that spending time with and raising children is perhaps the most important job and has profound impacts on our society. I just wish parents had more respect and support for when they do this full time and more flexibility and opportunity for other parents to do this around another salaried job if they want to.

Not at all! It is bloody hard work being a SAHM. My mental health couldn't cope with it, I tried.

I'm a Sahm with 3 kids under 4. I don't ever feel judged but maybe a few comments how I'd be better off going to work "for a break"
I'm lucky that my husband and myself both feel that he's out working ( hard i might add) i work hard at home. One bank account and we don't feel the need to justify our spends. Ie I get my hair done without asking etc. We both agree that's how it should be

I will go back when they are in school. I didn't have a career before I gave up my job so I'd pick up any job and be quite happy.

I think maybe we all feel judged whether we are a sahm or a ceo. Everyone had is hard. Noone has the easy life

No judgement here. I have 2 DC, 5 and 3, i work part time and that is my break! I find the school mornings and run relentless an i can't wait for DP's days off and my days in so i don't have to do it! But for now i'm glad one of us is around all the time for any sickness/accidents and a child needs to be collected. Especially now, waiting and wondering when they'll be sent home to self isolate!

I don’t judge people for not working (if they can afford not to) as such, but I do wonder why people (women or men) leave themselves open to being so totally reliant on someone else for money, I can’t fathom it at all and would continue to work even if my DP earned loads. It just wouldn’t feel right living off someone else’s earnings. However we do things differently to how most on MN seem to do it - whilst we pay our bill money into an account (that also covers food shopping and most stuff that kids need) the remainder of our income stays firmly in our own accounts. We earn a fairly similar amount so it works out.

I do wonder what SAHP who have all their kids in school do all day though? There’s loads of house stuff to do granted, but we have to do all these things and work full time.

Nope, no judgement.

However...I do get a bit annoyed with SAHM friends who are 'soooo busy', they're unable to have a cuppa with you on your one day off a week, or volunteer to help at school events, when the PTA is often manned by parents working FT.

I'm a sahm have been on and off for 18 years now. I would love to go back to work but with a partner in who works irregular shifts and home educating a child with sen whilst we wait for a school place I'm stuck. Not all who stay at home do it through choice.
But no I don't judge you I don't judge those that work full time either although them I am envious of

Nope. Each to their own. But it’s certainly not for me. I enjoy the break of going to work.

I used to envy SAHM's to be honest but my first husband was not trustworthy so I knew I had to be employed and I was right, divorce followed and I'd have been buggered without a job.

I don't judge as long as it is a family decision. I do roll my eyes when I hear moaning/complaining of sahm, like 'I would love to be able to just relax, drunk coffee and having chats with my colleagues' instead of constantly looking after children without any break.

Some interesting posts.

I do get why some might wonder or worry about financial reliance. It is something I think about myself, but I'm not worried, personally. That doesn't mean I'm naive, but I suppose if someone has personally witnessed loved ones or even themselves, being screwed over financially by a partner, then I can understand why you would be fiercely independent.

I also get that it might just naturally be who you are.

Maybe I just need to work on my confidence and be proud or at least not embarrassed, of who I am.

Just don't want to appear smug. I'm certainly not! There are definite sacrifices that I make, just as a working mum does. Just different sacrifices I suppose.