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Original poster

Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

487 replies

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 13:07

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/09/2020 15:13

Honestly not at all and I would live yo be a sahm. Well I technically am because I work from home and do all childcare for my own children, but I would love to not have to work at all. I do think other people judge though, which is one big reason I don't do it.

FrancesFlute · 22/09/2020 15:15

Before I had DS, yes I would admit I did a little. Just because growing up, not many of my friends had SAHPs, they mostly all had careers out of the home. My MIL was a SAHM and loved it.

I work one day a week now and also hate not having a 'career' when someone asks me what I do. I worry what people think of me.

Dogsandbabies · 22/09/2020 15:17

Honestly, I do. And would be very sad if my DD decided to be a SAHM.

I would never judge out loud any of my friends but I think it is an insane decision to be dependent on another person financially.

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CleanandJerk · 22/09/2020 15:19

No. In fact I am very envious! I often have felt judged for working full time (can't afford otherwise) so no matter what you do, some people will always judge. Ignore them.

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/09/2020 15:29

@SexyGiraffe

I don't judge but I do worry about the number of women who gaily give up their independence and earning potential and I hope to doesn't turn round to bite them on the arse in years to come. Turns out if I had not kept up my career we'd be utterly screwed now (DH is not an arsehole fortunately, but did suffer a life changing injury which has left him unable to work). It's a big risk to take, but I do understand it is the right choice for some people, and some people don't have a choice.
This. I have always worked - part time when my dc were young but always worked. So glad I did as when I found out my ex husband was having an affair, it meant I had options.

I also find it hard to get my head around asking for money or having an 'allowance'. I know not all SAHP set ups are like this but I do hear a lot of it on here and it saddens me.

I don't judge any mother as long as they look after their children because there is enough judgement being a woman and a mum as it is but it wouldn't be a choice I would make for myself for the reasons above and more.

southparkroses · 22/09/2020 15:30

@Dogsandbabies

Honestly, I do. And would be very sad if my DD decided to be a SAHM.

I would never judge out loud any of my friends but I think it is an insane decision to be dependent on another person financially.

I'm not insane. You are really judgement
southparkroses · 22/09/2020 15:30

*Judgemental. Doesn't bode well for your daughters being able to make their own decisions

Starlight39 · 22/09/2020 15:32

Nope, I don't judge it at all.

I do have friends who have given up much loved careers that they studied hard for and I hope they never regret that and that their DH's appreciate the sacrifice. I don't judge them for making that decision though.

Zebrasandfairytales · 22/09/2020 15:32

No.

I’ve been both - both bring their own challenge (and joy!)

SqidgeBum · 22/09/2020 15:32

NO!!!! Being on maternity leave, at home all day, no break from a little human who is constantly demanding, is really friggin hard. If anything, I look and say 'the poor woman. She must be knackered'. My life got considerable better and easier in many ways once I went back to work.

Marmunia1975 · 22/09/2020 15:33

I do feel sorry for them not having any personal spending money. Some SAHMs seem to have appearance issues too - jogging trousers and ever-increasing bellies from eating all day. Professional working women tend to be slimmer and take pride in their appearance.

TheArtOfStoryTelling · 22/09/2020 15:34

Maybe I just need to work on my confidence and be proud or at least not embarrassed, of who I am

Probably. A lot of people are judgmental because they've been brainwashed into thinking work is the most important thing in life and that if you choose not to work, there must be something wrong with you. Screw that. If you don't NEED the money, then working is a total waste of time unless you're one of the lucky few who really love their job and would choose to do it even if they had no need.

LuckyAmy1986 · 22/09/2020 15:34

Isn't it better that people who can afford not to and don't want to work leave more jobs on the market for people who need them? I honestly don't get the judgement.

LuckyAmy1986 · 22/09/2020 15:35

I do feel sorry for them not having any personal spending money

Why would they not have any personal spending money?

Marmunia1975 · 22/09/2020 15:38

Where does the money come from??? The DP?? My DP would chase me if I wanted to be a SAHM.

ulanbatorismynextstop · 22/09/2020 15:40

I'm very jealous, I've worked full time for years and never had a man reliable enough or earns enough to allow me to be a stay at home mum.
I feel really stretched looking after my family, home and also working full time and wish I could go down to 3 days a week.

Some will be jealous.

MrsNewtS · 22/09/2020 15:42

No judgement but if I’m honest I don’t really understand people who enjoy it. But that’s just because I would hate to be a sahm. I need the adult interaction and intellectual stimulation I get from work.

I do also worry about women who are happy to give up their financial independence. It’s not just about trusting your partner but about what you will do if anything happens to them. It was drummed into me as a child that I should never be financially reliant on anyone but myself. And this came from my parents who are still happily married.

I do know a couple of sahm who I think have given up on their own careers to enable their partners to have little to no responsibility for the kids. And I don’t get that. Me and my DH are equal partners in all respects. We share chores, childcare responsibilities and cooking etc. And we share financial costs evenly (but we do earn the same).

bluebluezoo · 22/09/2020 15:42

Honestly? Yes and no.

Giving up work is a choice everyone is entitled to make, and I don’t judge that.

What I do judge is when women, because it’s always women, give up work because their salary “doesn’t cover childcare”, with no thought to the long term.

Lets face it, many relationships break up. And these days women are expected to support themselves after divorce or separation. Spousal maintenance is rare.

So don’t give up work without thoughts to how you will manage long term. Your partner will be paying into a pension, what about you? Ideally you should be able to afford to still contribute to a private pension.

Childcare is short term, financially is it better to pay childcare for a few years and still have a salary at the end of it, or save the childcare and know you may struggle to get back into the workplace?

What if you do split? Have you thought about how you will support yourself? Pension again?

Sahp is a choice and a right. But 20 years down the line when your earning potential is drastically reduced, you’ve no pension or savings, and are either soley reliant financially on your partner or struggling alone, that is something women need to think about before they make that choice. I don’t think many do .....

ExclamationPerfume · 22/09/2020 15:42

I've been a SAHM since my kids were born. I get two school parents constantly ask me if I have a job yet. I hate it. It's nothing to do with anyone else. My Practice nurse asks me every time I have a blood test too. It's irrelevant for her to ask me each time.

TheArtOfStoryTelling · 22/09/2020 15:43

Where does the money come from??? The DP?

Yes. What does that have to do with having "no spending money"? My DH is a SAHD and spends money however he pleases and chooses.

unmarkedbythat · 22/09/2020 15:45

For being a sahm? God no, full time childcare is hard. For remaining a sham when all DC are in school and pretending that what they do then is a full time job? Yes. Most people don't do this, but there are a handful who try and say that all the life admin and housework others have do to in addition to paid work are a full time job. That I judge, but to be fair there aren't many of those around.

theruffles · 22/09/2020 15:48

I've never judged. I've sometimes been a bit envious of SAHMs who have more time potentially to take their children to groups/classes only on in the week (in normal times) but I also understand that it's probably not all it's cracked up to be and will have its downsides.

I am the main wage earner in our family and always knew I'd go back to work f/t after having DD. I intend on doing the same if everything goes OK with my current pregnancy. I like going to work and having some space away from domestic/home life to use my brain a little. I really like my job so I think that helps.

MrsAvocet · 22/09/2020 15:48

@Marmunia1975

I do feel sorry for them not having any personal spending money. Some SAHMs seem to have appearance issues too - jogging trousers and ever-increasing bellies from eating all day. Professional working women tend to be slimmer and take pride in their appearance.
Not where I live! The SAHMs at my children's primary school were always the ones who were immaculately turned out, went to the hairdresser/got their nails done regularly and were off to the gym or for a run once they had dropped the children off. The working mums were mainly like me - still wet hair, no make up and odd socks at drop off time and screeching to a halt outside school with seconds to spare whilst consuming a bar of chocolate and can of diet coke for "lunch" at collection time. Ok, its not the case for everyone - depends on finances and age of children of course - but the thing I envy most about the majority of my SAHM friends is that they have time to look after themselves.
Marmunia1975 · 22/09/2020 15:49

If you are a sahm and want to buy, for example, a new handbag, what do you do? Ask DP for the money? Just curious!

southparkroses · 22/09/2020 15:49

@Marmunia1975

If you are a sahm and want to buy, for example, a new handbag, what do you do? Ask DP for the money? Just curious!
Obviously mention it out of courtesy, then use the joint account card