Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[SAHMparanoia]

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

No, but if the SAHM is not married to the father, I would think she is foolish

No, I don't have the time

Not at all. I do know some people who do though. And I know some SAHMs who judge working mums.

Some people just like to judge.

Nope, not at all. And because I work part time for not much money, I would be financially screwed if DH left me. That doesn't just apply to SAHM!

I sometimes wonder why someone wants to be a SAHP but everyone can make their own decisions. I don’t know any SAHP. I don’t need to work but enjoy my career and the benefits it brings me and the family . I’d be bored at home.

If I'm honest it depends on the ages of the kids.

If they're pre-school or primary school then no. I have toddlers myself and I've returned to work PT BECAUSE the kids are so hard! Work is a break.

However, I do judge SAHP of teenagers and worry how vulnerable they've made themselves. I couldn't imagine being financially supported and watching DH working that hard whilst the teenagers are in school/hanging out with their mates and I'm just doing my own thing.

They're welcome to judge away and I don't care what their opinion is.
DH and I discussed, and revisited along that way, what we wanted for our children and having a parent at home was one of them.

We are both fully aware that each of our roles is there to support the family and, at times, my not working has been a g-dsend being able to deal with situations - unexpected hospital stays, MH issues with family members, etc.

Whilst, on the outside, we live a very traditional lifestyle it's through discussion and choice.

Not judge exactly. I am looking after my own kids full time at the moment but viewing it as maternity leave as my youngest are under 1. I will be happy to go back to work though and I would even if we could afford for me not to. However I am going back to a good career and my income should more than pay for childcare (and also a cleaner!) I understand that economically it's a difficult decision for many. I also think being a full time carer for pre-school kids and babies is the hardest bloody job there is! After kids go to school though, it would kind of puzzle me unless I understood there was a financial or practical necessity. That's just me though.

No, I've done both. I was a better parent as an SAHM and vastly preferred it to my current full time work, but wasn't able to financially maintain it, as I was main earner and now a lone parent.

Given that, though, I do get frustrated by some of the SAHMs at our school who either classify themselves as 'full time mums' and make the rest of us feel crap, or complain endlessly about how busy and exhausted they are when their kids are school age and they have a cleaner (we have a lot of these in the PTA, often wondering why the full time working mums won't take a turn running the summer fair, though somehow never seem so worried about the dads).

I have also employed a number of women returning to work after years at home, and have found that often they are still on call for all things domestic - it's a blind spot, and I think that the partner of an ex-SAHP needs to be ready to step up more, otherwise the returning mum (or dad) ends up being called out every time a child is sick, and going to every school event, and half-arsing it during school holidays, and it's frustrating for the rest of the team and fuels stereotypes.

I’m the same as you OP. SAHM with very conflicting feelings and a dollop of embarrassment about it.

I never intended to be a SAHP and it only happened because DC1 has SN and we just had too many crises at the same time.

So it wasn’t a choice iyswim and I don’t think I’m much good at it (compared with my old job which I really was) so find it hard to be proud of my role as a SAHM.

I notice a lot of these replies are essentially “No judgment... BUT...”

Just jealousy from me, wish I could afford not to work.

Lol to everyone who finds work to be a break what kind of job do you have?

I've never known anyone in RL say this other than as a joke!

I too have been a SAHM for a long while .With older DC even more people seem to judge you! I dont really take any notice TBH! AnotherPersonToday Why is everyone else so invested in our choices I wonder? If you are a stay at home wife then be proud of it! There is always something women do "wrongly" Going out to work /not going out and being at home .Too many children ,only 1 child and so on.Conversely my DM worked back in the 60s/70s ansd was asked "how she found time to work?" by her friends who were mainly SAHMs then

Not really. I think for me it was a mixture of envy that they could afford to stay home and, not pity, maybe concern that they were so wholly dependent on their DHs. I knew that if things went tits up I'd be fine because I was financially self-supporting and would be able to start over easily if my marriage had ended. And if I had had to issue an ultimatum DH would have known that I was 100% capable of carrying it out. Having your own income even if it's not a huge salary gives you at least a modicum of independence. And independence means safety.

My DSis was a SAHM and my BiL is a wonderful guy. She was very lucky and she knew it. But so was he and he'd be the first to admit it. He always treated her with respect and love. But I had SAHM friends whose DH were 'not so nice' including one who dumped her with 3 small children for a younger model. The divorce was horrible and if she hadn't had support from her family she would have been left in poverty. Yes, the DHs of working mums can be shits too, but at least the woman has options.

No, but I am irritated when sahms say 'I'm so lucky I can choose not to work' - i can afford not to work, i WANT to work for a whole host of reasons. The assumption that we all would like to be in their position if we could.

I have been a WOHP and a SAHP, and I believe that parents do what they believe is best for themselves, their family and their circumstances, and that is not going to be the same for everyone - so I don’t judge either stay at home parents or working parents.

I was a SAHM (apart from one day week) until I left my ex-husband. It's not true about financial protection if you're married. I'm extremely gratefuI had a career I could pick up again so I could put a roof over my kids' heads and keep them fed. Never, ever rely on a partner!!!

Not at all. I don't really know where the idea that SAHP are judged. It can be difficult to keep up with everything and I have honestly never considered other people's childcare or working arrangements!

I judge both on some level, I'll be completely honest.

I judge SAHM who are fulfilled staying at home, happily running around cooking, cleaning and doing wholesome activities with the kids.

I'm half jealous, as I'm not naturally good at any of that stuff, and find it tedious. If you're winning at it you're making me look bad but more power to you.

I am a stay at home mum, it's not something I chose or ever wanted to be, but it is what it is. Load of my friends are stay at home mums. Some spend time picking up skills, starting side hustles, and are marking time on some level until they can resume paid work. Others really relish staying at home and don't have any real plans for the future, wonderful friend that I am I judge them more.

I also judge working parents on my kid's class WhatsApp group, with their breakfast club, after school club and holiday club. They're all glossy professionals, they're not reusing tea bags. I feel sad that the kids don't even get to spend half term with mum and dad, but also jealous that the parents get to spend 40 or 50 hours a week away from their kids.

I've not figured out sufficient grounds for resentment with the part time parents, but I'm sure I'll find something so I can alienate the whole broad sweep of mn in one go.

I don't judge them but I do wonder why they would want to be financially dependent on someone else, that would make me uncomfortable.

I don't mind at all what other choices people make in life, but it does irk me slightly when SAHM complain about lack of money (especially once DCs at school).

You can have one or the other (stay at home, or earn money), make your choice and don't complain about it is what I say.

I imagine it works both ways OP.

No not at all. Even in he slightest. Sometimes I judge some of my male friends/colleagues who have SAHM partners because, some of them say things that make me think they do not appreciate/value their SAHM partner eg ‘I don’t know what she does all day’ or ‘she has so much free time but has let herself go’. Makes me so angry and I always pull them up on it. Of course NAMALT.

When DCs were younger my SAHM friends were so supportive and helped me out - I felt grateful and thankful to them for using their time to help another family.

Yes, sometimes. I’ve met plenty of SAHMs who have wealthy husbands and employ cleaners, housekeepers, gardeners, car valet-ers, dog walkers, you name it and rarely have to lift a finger. At the same time, they have no problem spending a small fortune on expensive gym memberships, yoga retreats, trips to London for shopping and hair appointments, beauty treatments etc. Then I confess I do judge; I’d feel terribly guilty and lazy if I did the same.
Where a SAHP does it all herself (or himself) and runs a tight ship then it’s a different matter. They are working hard and contributing to the team as it were.

I don't care. Why would I care? If we lack things in common the difference won't be as simple as SAHM bs. WOHM.