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Original poster

Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

487 replies

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 13:07

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

OP posts:
Original poster
SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 16:11

@Marmunia1975, so, blatant judging there! Well at least you're not wrapping it up in bow, I guess.

Thing is, it's our money. It's our house. It's a partnership. We both bring different things.

OP posts:
anditgoeson · 22/09/2020 16:14

I dont judge at all. It's up to individuals choice and circumstances at the end of the day and none of my business. As a lone parent I am envious of couples helping each other and supporting each other to raise a family. I wish I had that, but mainly I just do me and let other people crack on.

katycaterpiller · 22/09/2020 16:15

I have total respect for SAHMs (and Ds). The ones in my village help us working parents enormously (and I try to give back, but it's in other ways ). Our community would be far poorer without them. I couldn't do it, as I need the intellectual stimulation of my job, and like earning my own money, but I know my kids would have much preferred a SAHM than a working one. I am loving working from home now (and my kids are high schoolers now so don't need me much). I love being there when they get home from school.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
MrsAvocet · 22/09/2020 16:19

Marmunia apart from when I've been on maternity leave i have always earned more than my DH - over twice as much for a lot of the time. Do you think be should feel guilty if his expenditure relative to mine is not in direct proportion to our earnings? Shoukd I prevent him from spending any of "my" money? Mind you, he's just painted the outside of the house. I suppose he should have left two thirds of it for me to do, that would be fair. Hmm

Babysharksmom · 22/09/2020 16:20

@Marmunia1975

Do SAHMs not feel guilty about spending your DP's money? If I want something I buy it myself with the money that I have earned.
No I don't. I'm at home minding our 3 children. Saving huge amount of money in childcare. This was decision we both made.
Bluntness100 · 22/09/2020 16:22

No I don’t judge but I also wouldn’t wish to do it myself.

However one thing I have noticed is that many women are like you, embarrassed by it and scared to own it, either they are down on themselves and quite negative about themselves when asked, or they come up with something a bit bullshit like I’m a blogger, when they’ve never blogged in their lives, as they don’t want to say they don’t work. It’s always basically when the kids are older, so no real need to not work any more.

I think if you genuinely wished to get back to work or start a business you’d make an effort in that direction. So I’d advise just owning it. “I don’t work” end of.

SqidgeBum · 22/09/2020 16:22

@Marmunia1975

Do SAHMs not feel guilty about spending your DP's money? If I want something I buy it myself with the money that I have earned.
Nope. My job is to raise his kids, and I do my job well. He has admitted (especially after lockdown) that he wouldnt do my job.

Also, there have been times where he relied on me working as he quit his career and went into a new field, meaning he had to retrain and was unemployed for a while. Then his pay was much lower for a while. My wages and career kept us going, and paid for a wedding.

Part if marriage for us is money is shared, and one relying on the other is also shared. I will be going back to work when DD2 is a certain age, and no doubt in the future I will be the main earner again, if not the only earner.

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2020 16:23

All women should be able to make that choice

I’m sure that’s a typo and you mean all parents right?

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2020 16:24

My job is to raise his kids, and I do my job well

This is slightly different though since they are not your children and he basically pays your living expenses and you raise his children in return,

SqidgeBum · 22/09/2020 16:28

@Bluntness100

My job is to raise his kids, and I do my job well

This is slightly different though since they are not your children and he basically pays your living expenses and you raise his children in return,

Huh? No. Sorry. They are our kids. Not just his. It was just a turn of phrase.
MrsAmaretto · 22/09/2020 16:29

I’ve been both and although I’m not sure 😂 🤦‍♀️ My mother definitely judged me for not working for a year!

I think meeting people who are stay at home parents I’d assume we didn’t have much in common? It makes me question their value systems and level of education?

I was intellectually bored and felt that I wasn’t using my education etc. to the fullest. I did more voluntary work etc to fill my days.

We don’t need the money but I’m now working full time in a professional role And it’s good to have money for savings and family fun.

I’ll probably get flamed for responding but it’s how I feel.

Imloosingmyshit · 22/09/2020 16:30

I’ve been both, but not through choice. And not in the way I would have wanted! Full time working mum when I had my two babies. Now they’re at high school and due to circumstances out with my control I’m now a sahm. I’ve never judged. But if anyone, man or woman said they were sahp when kids were much bigger, I’d wonder what they do all day. And now I know. Clean tidy shop for dinner and BORED OUT OF MY MIND.

Hotelhelp · 22/09/2020 16:30

Only people with school aged children who rely on benefits to top up their income.

cookieschocchip · 22/09/2020 16:32

I've been both and find both difficult for different reasons. Working when you have kids is difficult because you've still got all the jobs to do when you get home and end up doing house work at the weekend. I felt very stressed working and trying to keep on top of things at home. We didn't have as much time for leisure and I found my kids really missed me when I wasn't there to drop of and pick up from school.

Being sahm was difficult as I found it very isolating and lonely at times and dreaded the times when everyone was out and the house was so quiet. I did enjoy feeling less pressured and having time to do all the jobs at home and have more quality family time.

I retrained whilst being a sahm and now run my own business so it worked out well in the end.

cookieschocchip · 22/09/2020 16:32

Oh and yes I did feel judged for being a sahm... I never heard anyone say anything but I did feel that way

Shinyletsbebadguys · 22/09/2020 16:33

I genuinely don't, mainly because I know for a fact that every family has different circumstances and I will never know the reasoning behind it. I have been both. I have been that parent that has to drop them at nursery at 7am and not be able to pick them up until 7pm. I am currently the parent able to be at home to do three school runs a day (reception settling in times Hmm). I've been the parent unable to attend the 54726 Christmas events every winter term but I've also been the parent with time to devote to the PTA. I've also been the traditionally married mum that looks like she practically wears twin set and Pearl's, I've been the single mum and I'm the mum now that noone is really sure where DP fits in.

Different , at times dramatic incidents backed up every situation. There was always a story behind each time that was noones business and I didn't share. Except when I disappeared for weeks and then turned up in a wheelchair. That one I explained.

So i firmly am of the belief everyone contributes in their own way but more importantly why the hell would it be for me to judge other peoples choices. It doesn't make them better or worse than me because I don't scorecard people. I also taught myself not to give a shiny wotsit what other people thought of me. Be me for 1 week and then you may comment. OP remind yourself of everything you do contribute to the world , try not to focus on what you think you don't.

Redcups64 · 22/09/2020 16:33

Judge, no. Envy, yes! (Only if they have school age children though)

FucketyFucketyFuck · 22/09/2020 16:46

No.

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2020 17:05

Huh? No. Sorry. They are our kids. Not just his. It was just a turn of phrase

Ah, ok normally folks say our kids. Not really seen anyone just say they were their partners like that, and am trying to imagine a father coming on here and saying my wife loves staying at home and does a great job raising her kids. When in fact they were also his. Odd phrasing but if that’s your words that’s your words.

Chociefish · 22/09/2020 17:07

I haven't and would never judge a sahm. If it works for you then great. I once got judged for only working part time. I have 2 dc both primary school age and one is special needs. How very dare I only work part time!!!!

legalseagull · 22/09/2020 17:17

@Snog

Lol to everyone who finds work to be a break what kind of job do you have?

I've never known anyone in RL say this other than as a joke!

I'm a solicitor. Work is hard but the old saying is true "a change is as good as a rest". Part time working has me feeling fresh for both work and home.
Crownofthorns · 22/09/2020 17:38

@JonasKahnwald

No but I do find the concept completely alien. I don't know (and have never known) any sahps. I can't get my head around relying on somebody else completely for money, having no influence on the amount of money coming into the household.
Why do you make the assumption that every SAHP will rely on their partner for money? I am currently a SAHM (did go back to work last year but had to stop due to family ill health) and have always had my own money. DH and I have been together for 12 years but have always had separate finances including our own investments. I know this isn’t typical but it does irritate me that people may assume I live off my husband’s income.
Crownofthorns · 22/09/2020 17:40

Just to add I have never and would never judge anyone for this reason. Everyone has their own circumstances and it is not for me to make assumptions about what choices they make.

Crownofthorns · 22/09/2020 17:42

@Shinyletsbebadguys

I genuinely don't, mainly because I know for a fact that every family has different circumstances and I will never know the reasoning behind it. I have been both. I have been that parent that has to drop them at nursery at 7am and not be able to pick them up until 7pm. I am currently the parent able to be at home to do three school runs a day (reception settling in times Hmm). I've been the parent unable to attend the 54726 Christmas events every winter term but I've also been the parent with time to devote to the PTA. I've also been the traditionally married mum that looks like she practically wears twin set and Pearl's, I've been the single mum and I'm the mum now that noone is really sure where DP fits in.

Different , at times dramatic incidents backed up every situation. There was always a story behind each time that was noones business and I didn't share. Except when I disappeared for weeks and then turned up in a wheelchair. That one I explained.

So i firmly am of the belief everyone contributes in their own way but more importantly why the hell would it be for me to judge other peoples choices. It doesn't make them better or worse than me because I don't scorecard people. I also taught myself not to give a shiny wotsit what other people thought of me. Be me for 1 week and then you may comment. OP remind yourself of everything you do contribute to the world , try not to focus on what you think you don't.

Agree with this completely.
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/09/2020 17:45

No don’t judge as I tend to think whether you work or don’t, lots of women on both sides don’t have a choice. I envy choice and I envy part time working/ flexible employers.