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Original poster

Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

487 replies

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 13:07

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

OP posts:

ellentree · 22/09/2020 15:49

No, I'm jealous! I'd be a SAHM if I could. Technically I could but I enjoy meals out/a holiday every year/lots of extra curricular activities for the children which my salary means we can afford.

I do have one friend whose husband earns well (and so did she until she stopped to take care of their children) who describes everything in terms of his money - ie he's getting nervous of how much this decorating will cost him, it's the phrasing (all the time) if that it's his money and not theirs. I don't think he makes her feel that way though from what she's said. It makes me sad for them with that mentality.

badlydrawnbear · 22/09/2020 15:51

No, why would I judge? Being a SAHM isn’t for me, but I don’t judge others for choosing it.

TheChosenTwo · 22/09/2020 15:51

I was a sahm for a good 10 years after I had my first.
Went back to work as I was just beginning to feel a bit lost.
I don’t judge anyone but I had financial independence from my dp at the time (only because of a large inheritance which was and is still safely put away to one side and protected) and I worry about those who are reliant solely on their partner/husband for financial security. So many relationships break down for various reasons, and from what I’ve seen it’s usually the woman left juggling the dc and struggling on very little money.
But no, I have friends who have been SAHMs for longer than me and some who hated every minute of it and couldn’t wait to go back to work! I always said I would work while I enjoyed it and the minute I didn’t I would retire whatever my age

Interested in this thread?

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Families

MynephewR · 22/09/2020 15:52

I know a couple of SAHP who have school age kids and a partner who earns a low wage so they receive universal credit. Always moaning about being skint. I do judge that if I'm honest.

But if a family can financially support themselves (after school age) with one parent staying at home then I don't judge them at all. I'm a bit jealous if I'm honest

HamishDent · 22/09/2020 15:53

No, not at all. I do raise an eyebrow if they moan about not being able to get back into their career at the same level they left off though. Career breaks of more than a year do have an impact in most industries unless you have done some freelance work to keep your hand in.

MrsJBaptiste · 22/09/2020 15:54

@Marmunia1975

If you are a sahm and want to buy, for example, a new handbag, what do you do? Ask DP for the money? Just curious!

Go to the shop and buy the handbag?

However we have and always have had a joint account where everything goes in and we buy whatever we want. If this isn't the case then I don't know but then joint/separate bank accounts is a whole other thread...

sticksandstone · 22/09/2020 15:55

Absolutely not.

I used to be a little bit jealous of SAHM before I had my DS (5 months old now). Now, I commend them for having such a demanding daily role, it takes so much out of you being at home with your LO all day. I don't think I could do it personally.

Major respect for SAHM.

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 22/09/2020 15:57

I don’t judge at all, but having had a lovely, successful “family man” DH leave me with no warning for someone at work I would always caution that all women need their financial independence, and more to the point some part of their identity not tied into home and family .

anotherpersontoday · 22/09/2020 15:57

I'm a sahw and in terms of money we just each buy waht we need/want from our joint account where his wages go. We might discuss a larger purchase but then he would do that with me if he wanted to buy something as well.

Original poster

SAHMparanoia · 22/09/2020 15:58

@minipie, I know what you mean, but I think on the whole it's unintentional. I also have a dc with sn and although mild, I do feel like I was sort of put on pause for a while and all my time and energy went into them. Perhaps when it didn't always need to, looking back.

OP posts:

babbi · 22/09/2020 15:58

I dont judge .. horses for courses etc ..
Though do think some women don’t think about their financial status when they do this .. can be a risky business ...

Also I have a friend in a group of about 12 of us who hasn’t worked since first being pregnant 19 years ago ..
Her DC are 17 and 18 .. off doing their own thing and her DH is working long hours ...

She is just so sad and lost , without purpose and I fear bordering on depression.
She has lost all confidence to do anything ... won’t even do a volunteer job as she’s “ nervous “

I think being isolated can also be a risk ..

SqidgeBum · 22/09/2020 15:59

@southparkroses same! When on unpaid maternity leave, I never ever asked DH if i could buy something. We have a joint account, so I just bought it. I will admit, I am in no way a spender. But I went for lunches, coffees, days out, got a few bits of clothes for me and DD, and I never ever asked if I could do it, and DH never said anything. My job was to look after DD. His job is an electrical engineer. We both had jobs, and we both had the access to the one account. To us, that's what marriage is; there is no 'his money' and 'her money'. Its ours. Financial independence wise, I am actually trained and experienced in a career where I could very easily pick up a well paid job. I am not in some sort of state of dependence. Me being at home is what WE chose as a pair, so the money is our money.

MrsAvocet · 22/09/2020 16:00

I think that low income families are often between a rock and a hard place though *MynephewR". Depending on the SAHP's earning potential and their child care options, they may be little better off, or even worse off with both parents working. If you are building a career and your earnings are likely to increase significantly then it may be beneficial to take a short term hit, but if you don't have much prospect of pay progression then its understandable that you wouldn't want to.

VettiyaIruken · 22/09/2020 16:01

I don't give a shot what other families arrange. Everyone does what works best for them and it's rather arrogant for anyone to think their way is the best way for everyone.

Lonoxo · 22/09/2020 16:01

No. Looking after a child all day is hard. I bet you some CEO wouldn’t be able to hack a week of what you do. Raising the next generation is important. I’ve seen too many people messed up by poor parenting.

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/09/2020 16:01

I've always WOH and have never judged a SAHM. Why would I? I think lucky you if you're married to a high earner or manage to get by on benefits.

However I have been the recipient of comments like "I don't know how you do it" accompanied by head tilt and tinkly laugh and "I would hate to leave them in a nursery all day" and such like.

So it goes both ways.

Marmunia1975 · 22/09/2020 16:01

Do SAHMs not feel guilty about spending your DP's money? If I want something I buy it myself with the money that I have earned.

snowqu33n · 22/09/2020 16:02

No. Being a SAHM isn’t for me, but I understand that some people enjoy it and do it well, are fascinated by every stage of their kids’ development etc.

I wouldn’t be comfortable relying on a partner for income. I also wouldn’t want to feel like my life revolved around household tasks and childcare as my primary responsibility.

When DC are small it’s probably better to be at home for a while for them, however, I didn’t enjoy that time. I was on my own a lot of the time and I felt like I existed only to meet the needs of everyone else in the household. I understand every individual experience is different but it wasn’t the joyous time society makes it out to be.

If I were independently wealthy then I would pay a housekeeper and fill my time with interests, vanity projects and health goals. I still wouldn’t regard myself as a SAHM.

ElspethFlashman · 22/09/2020 16:05

Lol to everyone who finds work to be a break what kind of job do you have?

I'm a nurse and still find work to be easier than being a SAHM!

But its less about the job and more about your personality. I get claustrophobic very quickly in the home. The walls would be closing in on me and it'd be terrible for my mental health.

Some people are whirls of domestic energy though. I am always overawed and intimidated by perfect SAHMs.

snowqu33n · 22/09/2020 16:06

I mean I was alone with small DC

kittykat35 · 22/09/2020 16:06

Nope because I was a sahm for 6 years and now I'm back full time. So nothing is set in stone...we only do what we have to do, when we have to do it or when we want to do it. Each to their own it's nobody else's business.

Pangwin · 22/09/2020 16:08

I couldn't care less about other people's family set ups- everybody should be doing what's best for their own personal situation. I've been a SAHP since my second dc was born. It works for us for a whole host of reasons that I won't bore you with, and ultimately it makes mine and my dh's life easier having one person at home in charge of most house and child related stuff, and the other person in charge of earning. I have full access to all money and I don't need to ask to spend money on myself. The only time I would mention buying something is if it was a big purchase costing hundreds or thousands. But I would also expect him to do the same if he wanted to buy something expensive. In the extremely unlikely event that we divorce, or if something happened to my dh, then I have a career that I can return to.

However, I agree with the pp about feeling sorry for any SAHP who has to beg for money, or who only has £10 a month to spend on herself whilst her dh has hundreds to spend on himself. That's a crap situation that no one should put themselves in.

babyinthacorner · 22/09/2020 16:09

Absolutely no judgement here! All women should be able to make that choice, if they are able to. I sometimes feel like I wouldn’t cope being a SAHM as I find household organisation difficult. Other times I wonder if I’d be better at it if I actually had the time to focus on it! Women who are great at being a SAHM or working parent or both have my full admiration! I feel like I’m failing in all areas most of the time!

southparkroses · 22/09/2020 16:10

@sticksandstone

Absolutely not.

Major respect for SAHM.

As a SAHM, I love you!

Pangwin · 22/09/2020 16:10

@Marmunia1975

Do SAHMs not feel guilty about spending your DP's money? If I want something I buy it myself with the money that I have earned.

No because it's our money that he's earned for our family.

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