Honestly, if you're a working mum, do you judge a SAHM?

[SAHMparanoia]

.....or dad!

Hi,

Just that really. Have been a SAHM for a long time (over a decade) and whereas I do like the idea of going back to work - starting my own business maybe at some point, I do definitely feel a lot of pressure and judgements from other women.

I think there probably is an element of internalised judgement too. I often ask myself if it's wrong that I don't contribute anything to the family money pot, but then I obviously contribute in many other ways that my DP doesn't have time for.

If my DP didn't earn good money, I wouldn't be able to choose, so I understand that I am fortunate in that sense, but I do feel a bit like I don't "fit" anywhere now.

I don't know if that's because I genuinely want to get back to work for myself or for others. I get genuinely anxious, borderline embarrassed, when people ask what I do. There have been plenty of times my reply has been met by raised eyebrows and questions such as, "god, aren't you bored?".

I find myself almost excusing and explaining my choice, which I HATE! I shouldn't have to do that. I know I don't have to, but I feel almost cornered sometimes.

So anyway, if you're a working parent, do you look at women like me judge? Or are you also a SAHM and do feel judged?

I'm a working mum I'd love to become a Sahm but finance won't allow , plus I'd be throwing my years of training away . I certainly don't judge but I do have a bit of envy

I think there are likely to be a lot more in the near future, anyway.
It's awful the amount of redundancies and there's just more everyday.

@Devlesko

Hey, I never said sheeple and I didn't mean that either. I just think a lot of people think like this and it's not the only way to live.

Is it really difficult to understand that some people need very little money for their lifestyle choice and that both parents working isn't necessary for them?

Is it difficult to understand that both parents working is necessary for some people just to get by? Or that wanting a bit of extra money so that they're not living on the bare minimum isn't shallow or materialistic? Or that some people genuinely enjoy their jobs even if they're steeple who work for someone else?

When I was a SAHM I was judged mightily. One woman outside nursery came over chatting all nicey-nice and asked what I did. When I told her she looked horrified.

"Was that... was that a choice?" she gasped, like I'd been talking about amputation.

And I got a lot of "Oh, I could never..."

Anyway, soon as the kids started school I retrained, went back to work and probably out-earn them now, the silly sods.

DH and I also think it is vitally important to show our kids great work ethic and what can be achieved. Our hard work means we can see the floor under the laundry mountain every now and then.

@mypetEufy

DH and I also think it is vitally important to show our kids great work ethic and what can be achieved. Our hard work means we can see the floor under the laundry mountain every now and then.

A noble feat indeed.

No judgement. I was a SAHM for 13 years and have been working again for the last 5. I don’t care what other people do. What is there to judge? I don’t understand the interest in others’ lives.

The only thing I would worry about is whether stay at home people would be ok in the event of a divorce but none of my business so...

@HotPenguin has really hit the nail on the head.
In my experience it's a combination of circumstances that usually lead to someone becoming a sahp. In my own personal situation I was made redundant from a job I loved just after my first child was born (company shut down so I wasn't singled out or anything like that) and as the recession was in full swing at the time I didn't have a big choice in jobs I was able to get so I found myself roles that I was overqualified for and bring underpaid and it was soul destroying. Add in a massive childcare bill after DC2 was born and i was really starting to hate going to work so myself and DH decided that I would stay at home for a while as my eldest was starting school and we had just moved house and she was a bit overwhelmed so I decided that I'd like to be able to drop and collect her. Then we had DC3 and childcare for younger children is impossible to get around here these days so I'll stay at home full time for another year or two .
I will say though I do judge people who judge others without knowing anything about their circumstances. One mother at the school had severe pnd and had to be admitted to hospital for a bit and was telling me she could barely function for a while never mind also go to work so you really never know other people's circumstances.
I think those who are saying that they would automatically find a sahp "dull" without ever knowing them are the type of people who would usually find some other reason to judge anyway.

I don’t judge (generally) I’m quite envious of the lifestyle of the independently wealthy sahms but less so of the section who have been a bit trapped into it.

There are some amazing Sahms they do so much for our school, volunteer etc. They being a lot to the community and have a really important role. Where I do judge is those with school age a children suggesting it is much harder than a job or lamenting how busy their lives are with washing. I have to admit to a bit of eye rolling.

There's some very interesting comments on this thread. I am currently looking at applying for early retirement due to ill health. I've still got school aged children. So if I do give up work I could be described as a SAHM or as retired. I will be the same person, in the same circumstances either way, but I wonder if people's perception of me will vary depending on which label I use?

With the number of redundancies being forecast there may be changes in many families if the current working parent is made redundant so the SAHP has to return to the workplace. I imagine these conversations are already place with many parents.

I was a SAHM for 10 years and have been back at work for nearly 3 years (plus 2 years re-training). I love my job and I am so glad to be back at work but I can honestly say I was never bored as a sahm, even when the kids started school. I was active in the local playgroup and parish council, spent lots of time at the gym and had a lovely network of friends to socialise with. I hate wfh but with the lack of commute I have more spare time now after a full day’s work than I did back then. People can be quick to judge but there is value in being a sahp and I have no regrets.

Having a few years off while the children are babies and toddlers, good luck to you. 20 years not a day's work and no voluntary work in order to bring up spoiled boys who have no respect for women, not so much. Yes, I have someone in mind.

Does anyone enjoy listening to someone banging on about how busy they are all the time? Whether it's WOHM or SAHM sort your shit out - I'd have more sympathy for a single parent but I don't know any.

I didn't want my children to grow up with a family role model. Daddy goes out to work and earns the money. Mummy stays at home and cleans the house, cooks and changes nappies. No way.

@MrsAvocet

There's some very interesting comments on this thread. I am currently looking at applying for early retirement due to ill health. I've still got school aged children. So if I do give up work I could be described as a SAHM or as retired. I will be the same person, in the same circumstances either way, but I wonder if people's perception of me will vary depending on which label I use?

I’m not sure - interesting. You could write exam questions though, loved your contributions to the CV thread. You are very funny

I don't judge, I very much think of it as "good for you, not for me" but I am curious about what it's like to be a SAHM as I don't know any! I only know one mum who works part time, everyone else I know works full time.

No I think wow how did you wangle that ☺️ good on you 👍

Nope wouldn’t judge, but wouldn’t envy you either. I loved going to work (before lockdown).

I didn't want my children to grow up with a family role model. Daddy goes out to work and earns the money. Mummy stays at home and cleans the house, cooks and changes nappies. No way.

I'm pleased that you have done what you set out to achieve, well done. We need people like you for inspiration to others wanting your lifestyle, and I sincerely mean this.

But, as much as this isn't me either, some women feel just as strongly about their decision to be a sahm and cleaning/ changing nappies.

Choice is the main thing, and hoping that your own daughters have free choice.

Three of my friends are sahm and I don't judge. I guess sometimes I feel a bit curious? (our children are no longer tiny). Two of them threw themselves into volunteer positions e.g. school governor/PTA/community groups so effectively they did have jobs - and often quite a lot of stress - just unpaid.

I wonder if perhaps SAHP will do full circle and become more fashionable again soon.

I think the “what do you do all day?!” comments come from people who recognise (subconsciously) that appliances have replaced endless hours of housework and there’s been a huge market in convenience. However, I think an increasing amount of people are ignoring convenience: local butchers and milkman have been making a comeback, veg boxes are all the rage. Reusable nappies are seeing a surge in demand. All of these things take time.

Or perhaps we’ll continue to make strides with flexible working and that’ll be the future.

(That’s not to say I think SAHP are twiddling their thumbs just because they don’t have to manually wash their clothes!)

SAHM has never gone out of fashion. I probably have a different perspective as I'm forrin, but I'm from a culture where everybody works generally full time, and childcare and schools are set up accordingly. Child care is basically free and your local council has to offer full time child care for all kids from 18 moths of age. Schools all have after school programs. So in my opinion, UK clearly still assumes that the mum is at home, or maybe has this little part time around the school hours job.

I didn't want my children to grow up with a family role model. Daddy goes out to work and earns the money. Mummy stays at home and cleans the house, cooks and changes nappies. No way.

You don't have to do what your parents do!
If both parents work full time as a PA and an electrician the kids don't have to follow suit.

Just because someone doesn't work to look after their young kids doesn't mean their kids will grow up to think they can't work!! So bloody stupid.

I definitely don’t judge but I do secretly wonder what they do all day if their kids are school age....