Friend called my kid a brat and us bad parents

[Boymom377]

We have a four year old son who can sometimes be a handful. We have very close friends who have a two year old little girl and the two of them often play together pretty well. Every now and again my son will push or do something like that ( not sharing , typical 4 year old behavior). Well the other day son threw something at the little girl. Her father screamed at my son very loudly to the point that he was hysterical. Then started yelling at us that he was out of control and we are bad parents and all sorts of horrible things that his little two year old would never do and he is a better parent and on and on. I am so hurt by this!! Not only that he screamed at my son like that but that he is one of our best friends and should be helpful and understanding not judge mental and mean. It’s not like we don’t discipline my son, we do we do not ignore his behavior but he is strong willed and we are struggling and now I know our best friend thinks our kid is out of control and thinks we are bad parents. Am I wrong here? Does he have a right to yell at my son and us about this?? This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her, it’s two toddlers fighting over toys and making messes and not always listening. I’ve been in tears for days over this. I don’t want to hang out with them and have him judging us all the time. I’m having a hard enough time as is. Parenting isn’t easy. I don’t know what to even say to him when I see him. Does he have the right to yell at my kid and yell at us? I feel he was way out of line, am I wrong???

It's hard to say because there are two sides to this story, yes? You call your son a "handful", while others may call him a terror. Unfortunately, I have know many parents who have blinders on when it comes to their child's behaviour. This man definitely shouldn't have screamed at your son, but I can understand if your son's roughness brought him to the end of his tether. Given that these people are close friends and not strangers, and that they see you frequently, could what he said have some weight behind it? Might there be behaviour you ignore and wait to discipline until your son really crosses a line? Also, your son is not a toddler.

Kids can be pretty rowdy sometimes. Mine fight all the time. I tell them off, but they still do it. As long as you are disciplining your son and teaching him right from wrong, then I think you are fine. It sounds like the dad isn’t used to that kind of rowdy behavior and over reacted. Maybe he’s stressed about something. I’d cool off the friendship. It’s hard being friends with other parents sometimes when your kids have different personalities or you have different parenting styles.

Don’t hang out with that family again.

He yelled and verbally abused both you and your son. In front of both kids. It’s not okay for him to do that, unless your child did something super dangerous that could have caused real injury and he lost his temper as a knee jerk reaction and then apologized immediately after for the loss of control.

I would worry about how he behaves to his wife and child.

He should apologize to you and your son before you can move forward.

He is the bad parent in this situation because he used verbal abuse to intimidate. It’s a terrible example for the kids.

Maybe his child behaves differently to yours because she is “walking on eggshells” and scared of his reactions.

if something was thrown at his daughter and he was taken aback and fearful she may have suffered a severe injury i can understand a person loosing control.
so for a one of, in stressful circumstances yes i understand his behavior.

He shouldn’t have yelled but 4 is not a toddler and throwing something at a 2 year old is not on. It sounds like he is protecting his child. And I get the impression that you make allowances for your 4 year old because you think he is a toddler when he isn’t.

But he should have handled it better. I think if I was the parent of the 2 year old I would be avoiding the kids playing together. I get he is just 4 but until he has stopped throwing and pushing etc I wouldn’t find meeting up enjoyable.

This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her,

Read this back. Of course throwing something at someone is horrible behaviour. He could have really hurt her. At 4, he should know better. What was your response? Mine would have been time out next to me, make a fuss of girl, if it was the first thing he'd done that play time. Else we would have left.

Listen to your friends.

It’s difficult to say. Ideally no he shouldn’t shout at your son, but if it’s the first time he has done this then it could be the end of his tether seeing his 2 yr old pushed around by someone bigger.

You haven’t said if you discipline him when these things happen.

You describe him as a handful, maybe this guy doesn’t feel you keep a close enough watch on your son if these sorts of things happen.

There’s a couple of things that are happening here:
At the minute, your 4 year old is likely to be a lot bigger and stronger than his 2 year old. So any throwing of toys may cause hurt. As a dad he is really worried by this.

Also at the moment, he sees a “big” child who he thinks shouldn’t do that. Those of us who have had 4 years know get are still very young and won’t always be able to stop themselves from throwing toys when cross. But he hasn’t got to that point yet. (I used to hate groups if teenage boys, thought they were loud and loutish- I now own one and realise they are loud as they haven’t developed volume control on the big voices and they definitely aren’t all loutish!)

So while his reaction Was excessive, there was some logic- to him- about where it cane from. The bit about being bad parents makes him sound like a smug dick though.

However, you do say your son is a handful, strong-willed and you mentioned that you are struggling. This suggests that things are pretty tough. Is it worth asking for support with this? If he is 4, has he started school? Might be worth finding out what their take is.

I agree with pp your 4 year old isn't a toddler and he should know better than to throw something at a 2 year old. That's a big age difference at a young age and he ought to behave accordingly.
The friend sounds like he got to the end of his patience with the situation and it's not good to have gotten to that point without dealing with it more appropriately.
Does your son go to nursery? I imagine he's been off and at home during lockdown etc it's tricky for them too.

It's never, ever ok for a grown man to yell and scream at a 4 year old, so in that sense yes, he is in the wrong.
Having said that - your four year old put his toddler in danger. His behavior is unacceptable. The fact that you refer to your 4 year old as a toddler (he isn't, don't some children start reception at 4 in the UK?) does signal that you are not placing age appropriate expectations of his behavior on him. That combined with your statement that he is a handful does suggest that you need to step up your parenting game.

It's all irrelevant. You can't be around an adult who will scream at a four year old.

You obviously cannot allow your child to go through the stress this adults will cause. Those saying you should suck it up because your Four yr old acted like a four yr old would change their tune pretty quickly if an adult made their kid cry.

Why do so many of you believe terrorising a four yr old is akin to teaching them or parental concern? His child was ok, until he started screaming.

OP he will be screaming at home as well. That isnt something you switch on and off, you're either ok screaming at an under five or you're not a cunt.

Does he have the right to yell at my kid and yell at us? I feel he was way out of line, am I wrong???

No he did not have the right to behave in a frightening and abusive manner. No you are not wrong.Your son is Four. He was out of order.

Out of interest. What did he throw? If it was a small soft toy where she'd come to no harm, I'd think differently than if he threw something dangerous like a pair of scissors or a metal toy car or something. It's never ok to throw anything, but sometimes kids forget. But, easier to understand his reaction if it was something serious.

Four year olds can be a handful but they tend to grow out of it.

A grown man screaming at someone else's small child and then shouting at the mother is completely unacceptable. He wouldn't be welcome in my house again.

You shouldn't be feeling hurt, you should be offended and disgusted.

I can see both sides.
Your friend definitely shouldn't have yelled at your son like that though. Reacting to a small child who you think is out of control by losing your own self control isn't going to help anyone and claiming to be a superior parent is mean. He has a different child. She may have a naturally gentler and more compliant nature rather than perfect parents! And of course it may not last. I am put in mind of an ex colleague of mine who was very smug that her baby slept through from an early age whereas mine woke frequently. She was always telling me where I was going wrong and that if I parented like she did I wouldn't have such a "troublesome" child. Then she had a second child, a non sleeper this time and her magic parenting did nothing. I admit to feeling a bit smug myself then! It really isn't nice when your child is shouted at by another adult and your parenting is criticised, especially by a close friend. That must really hurt. I understand why you are upset.
But on the other hand, it does sound like there might be a bit of a problem. It sounds like this isn't the first incident and maybe your friend has reached the end of his tether. Its not an excuse for scaring a 4 year old like that, but obviously he was worried about his own, much younger child, and presumably didn't feel you were acting quickly enough or firmly enough. A 4 year old could really hurt a 2 year old by tgrowing things, depending on what the object was of course, so it is potentially serious. You do say tgat your son is a handful and that you struggle at times so maybe you need a bit of extra support? I know a lot of stuff still isn't happening yet, but maybe you could ask advice from school/nursery or your HV? Or there might be other services that can help. Its a very long time since mine were young but if I recall rightly there was something called Sure Start that could help parents - i dont know if it still exists though. Or maybe there are online courses? There is no shame in needing a bit of help with parenting from time to time. It is a hard job, we get no training, and this year has been particularly tough, so its not surprising that some children are testing their parents a bit. Talking it through with someone might give yiu a bit of reassurance and confidence and maybe a few new tools to help you deal with tricky behaviour.
I hope you feel better soon and manage to sort things out with your friends as its horrid when people you care about behave like this,

Is your child at school now? They'll help with creating hard boundaries for your child, work with them so his behaviour improves and he understands boundaries, Kids need strong boundaries. My son is a bit difficult also, my brother (no kids) regularly tells me I'm too soft, perhaps the child's dad thinks the same, perhaps this has built up over time and he's afraid your child is really going to hurt his DD, hence losing control perhaps?

My son is loads better than he was, he's 8 now, but it's perseverance to help support him, but also hawkish behaviour yo try to intervene in situations like you describe, it's hard tho as you want to interact with other parents also so you lets your guard down a bit then they seem to act up - think this is where my brother gets the hump with me, my son acts up more when he's not getting attention so if I'm distracted my seeing my brother then he's more of a handful IYSWIM
Speak yo your sins teacher for help moving forwards

Totally unacceptable on his part. I've had much bigger boys push or hit my 2 year old in the playground and I don't scream at them, I remove my son from the situation and might say a stern "hitting is not nice!" if the parents aren't around to sort it. Your son didn't deserve this. He was wrong to throw things, but he deserved age-appropriate consequences and that the adults around him should actually behave like grown-ups. Disciplining at this age can be a hard slog and you need to do things over and over again, but I'd never judge other parents (and make shitty remarks about being the "better" parent ) so long as they were dealing with it appropriately.

I'd definitely take a step back from the friendship. You can't really have someone with anger issues around your child... You never know, he might lose it and physically hit your DS the next time he misbehaves.

It is really hard for us to judge because we didn't see what happened. Your description of his "normal 4 yo behaviour" could be wildly out of step, or maybe your friend exploded into a fit of rage over something silly.

A 2 year old little girl and a 4 year old typical boy are not ideal play mates IMHO.

Um, depends completely (imo) on what he was throwing and what's happened previously.
2 is really little and 4 is school age. If your son has form for this and his dd has been hurt before then I can understand him saying something. Although sounds like he completely lost it which isnt on of course.

From your friends behaviour it sounds like it's not the first time he and his daughter have had to put up with your son's behaviour and he reached his limit of tolerating it.....also since he called you a bad parents, I'm guessing he has witnessed your lack of dealing with the behaviour each time and is fed up of having his daughter around your son....it's not enjoyable being around a poorly parented/disciplined child where th parents think their little darling can do no wrong while in reality the little darling is a brat thwt runs wild.in front of them and girls stuff at other kids....I dont blame him for losing his temper, he's 0robwbly had enough of you not disciplining your son wnd writing it of_ as toddler behaviour (he is not a toddler, he is school age)

*hurls stuff

It’s really hard to judge here. Did he shout at the child aggressively OR raise his voice and tell the child that hurting others isn’t ok. I think if there is a dangerous situation it is acceptable to raise your voice which is different to shouting aggressively.

Your child is not a toddler

Your child should understand that a 2 year old is much smaller and be more gentle

However, 4 year old boys have a surge of testosterone and they will be more rough etc.

It’s YOUR responsibility to be ontop of your son when playing with others if he has a history of being too rough. Boys need boundaries and need to be taught that hurting isn’t on.

Sounds like the Dad has let a few home truths out in the midst of his anger. Does he just shout in general when things annoy him, or was he majorly upset by the incident?

I'm pretty sure that him attacking you over being a bad parent means that, yes, he's been judging you over the course of your friendship and has come to that conclusion (if not in person, then anecdotally from his partner).

It's hard to know for sure, but perhaps you do need to reconsider your child's own behaviour. I'm afraid that "handful" or "lively" or "just a normal boy" are all adjectives that also mean "naughty".