Friend called my kid a brat and us bad parents

[Boymom377]

We have a four year old son who can sometimes be a handful. We have very close friends who have a two year old little girl and the two of them often play together pretty well. Every now and again my son will push or do something like that ( not sharing , typical 4 year old behavior). Well the other day son threw something at the little girl. Her father screamed at my son very loudly to the point that he was hysterical. Then started yelling at us that he was out of control and we are bad parents and all sorts of horrible things that his little two year old would never do and he is a better parent and on and on. I am so hurt by this!! Not only that he screamed at my son like that but that he is one of our best friends and should be helpful and understanding not judge mental and mean. It’s not like we don’t discipline my son, we do we do not ignore his behavior but he is strong willed and we are struggling and now I know our best friend thinks our kid is out of control and thinks we are bad parents. Am I wrong here? Does he have a right to yell at my son and us about this?? This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her, it’s two toddlers fighting over toys and making messes and not always listening. I’ve been in tears for days over this. I don’t want to hang out with them and have him judging us all the time. I’m having a hard enough time as is. Parenting isn’t easy. I don’t know what to even say to him when I see him. Does he have the right to yell at my kid and yell at us? I feel he was way out of line, am I wrong???

You’re son is 4 so not a toddler. Yes throwing things isn’t acceptable and needs correcting. No the father shouldn’t have behaved like that. He should have disciplined your son in a more appropriate manner - not shouting. Shouting is utterly crap discipline. And he should have had a discussion with you rather then having a tantrum himself. However if their DD has been on the receiving end of lots of this type of poor behaviour with little effort on your part to correct your son I can why he lost his wrag.

If your son hurts the DD I would end the play date immediately. Let him learn the hard way, he’s old enough to comprehend that he needs to be kind. Warn your son of the consequences of poor behaviour

Yelling isn’t acceptable but sometimes understandable, we all loose our temper at times,

You say you’re struggling with your child, having a hard time with him, that he’s a handful, and use words like strong willed, And allude to the children fighting, making a mess, not listening, But only one of them is a toddler. The two year old. Your son is not.

I think you need to accept if you’re struggling with your child’s behaviour others will struggle more, and be less accepting. Because they don’t have the same bond, they are watching it cold. It’s hard when someone points it out to you. However in this instance I’d think hard about whether shooting the messenger is the way forward.

I’d not socialise with the kids together for awhile until you’re over this hurdle with your child. Socialise without them.

Are you disciplining him? If so how? How are you addressing this behaviour when he displays it? With small children there needs to be immediate consequences for the bad behaviour and immediate rewards for the good behaviour. It’s how they learn as they are too young to reason.

However, 4 year old boys have a surge of testosterone and they will be more rough etc

No they Don’t, that’s a bit of a myth.

I’ve known other parents who are so blind to how their children treat other children and pass it off as ‘being a 4 year old’. Step back and look at this objectively. They shouldn’t worry that they’re daughter might be hurt each time they see you. They must feel they’re letting their girl down. What are you saying? A 2 year old getting hurt is just part and parcel of meeting up with you? What if your 4 year old was being attacked by a 6 year old? Is that ok? A 2 and a 4 year old is not ‘two toddlers.’

Best course of action is to apologise, admit you’re struggling and ask how they see it from their point of view. Tell your 4 year old until they can behave they will have to be with you, have you with them like a baby when around other children. Make them realise there is zero tolerance for hurting someone else. Show them you’re taking it more seriously. Good luck x

What did you do during his tirade? Sounds like he went on for ages from your post, long enough to make your ds cry.

4 is not a toddler, are you allowing your son to do things he shouldnt because he's your 'baby'?

Other parent sounds like a bully and it's totally unacceptable to yell at a child like that. However, I've met many a parent who sit there benignly, passively allowing their child to create havoc thinking everyone loves it. A "oh he's a handful, no stop that toddlerTommy, don't grab that for the hundredth time from so and so" whilst doing that kind of 'what can I do' shrug

Maybe he's not right or justified, merely fed up of you not be effective as parents. Impossible to know without knowing any build up

It sounds like they might be fed up with your sons behaviour and the dad just snapped when your DDs daughter. A friend of mines DS once scratched me hard, I yelped and she gave a half hearted dont do that, its not kind sort of 'telling off.' I had a bleeding scratch with a big bruise around it. She uses words like lovely or cheeky. Sorry, but its being naughty and whilst the dad shouting was wrong, I understand his frustration.

Meant to sad DDs daughter got hurt.

I think this is a build up of various incidences where his daughter has got upset or hurt and he snapped. I’m not saying it’s right to scream at a 4 year old. Perhaps you should have a break from socialising with the children for a while.

@pilates

I think this is a build up of various incidences where his daughter has got upset or hurt and he snapped. I’m not saying it’s right to scream at a 4 year old. Perhaps you should have a break from socialising with the children for a while.

This.

What did he throw?

I'm guessing your son is a lot bigger, and at 4 he should not be throwing stuff at a toddler. You admit he's a handful, I suspect they have been biting their tongues for a while and his behaviour is being more inappropriate. You need to stop making excuses, at 4 it isn't typical, he needs to be taught not to, and if it persists seek proper advice as it could be he has underlying issues

No he didn’t have a right to yell at your child, however it does sound like you’re minimising you’re child’s behaviour. 4 is not a ‘toddler’

Children are wildly different, the problem comes when we begin to think it is something we have done which makes this so.

For example, a lot of parents think they have a 'good' child because of their parenting. It feeds their ego.

When you have experience of a lot of children you find this idea is a big fallacy. Some are naturally eager to please and so are naturally 'good' at following rules, some children are naturally wilful and so harder to control.

All children need stability, consistency and an idea of wrong and right, but how they react to those things is not parenting , it is nature.

The adult should not have screamed at the 4 year old. That is bullying and out of control behaviour

The 4 year old should not have thrown something at the 2 year old. That is bullying and out of control behaviour

He shouldn't have shouted at your daughter, but there is a huge difference between a 2 and 4 year old, they are not ideal playmates. Your son is not a toddler, he is a young boy.
It sounds as though you are making excuses for your son's behaviour, you need to sort this before it becomes worse.

It’s a bit rich for a grown man to shout at a 4 year old calling names etc.

However your son’s behaviour sounds bad. It doesn’t sound typical to me. Please find some parenting support and take this as a wake up call.

He shouldn't have shouted however it maybe he's frustrated with your child's behaviour. 4 is not a toddler, and it really depends what he threw tbh. If it was something that could have been dangerous had it hit her then I'm not surprised he snapped. The children are not the same age, one is a toddler and one is a child, maybe you need to take a step back from them playing together

I have an ex friend (ex friend for other reasons) who has a son who is out of control. He is aggressive, try's to get other children into trouble with adults and us quite manipulative. He's been like this for a long time and he receives hardly any attempts at discipline. Her younger child is also mimicking g these behaviours. I'm relieved I no longer have to find excuses for them not to play with my children. Other parents in our circle confided in me that they were doing the same to keep this boy away from their children. The mother and father can't see it at all. They describe him as strong willed and spirited and say they are 'gentle parents'. No he's out of control and they are shit, lazy parents. I even approached school to ensure my child wasn't in the same class as mine to give mine some respite from him.
The other parent in the OP's situation was out of order but I suspect that he has had a build up of incidents that has finally tipped over and the OP is a bit oblivious to their child's behaviour and impact. Too much minimising i think.
The friendship is dead now anyway so maybe focus on getting help with your sons behaviour and turning things around before he has no friends at school and becomes a bully.

There’s something very revealing in that you refer to your 4 year old as a “toddler”. He’s not. If you are treating him as one, there’s your problem. He’s school age, or almost. Your friend does have the right to defend his daughter from a boy who is two years older than her.

I would expect throwing (if it wasn’t something like a pile of leaves) to be met with a pretty stern approach. This is what I would do if my four year old did it:

1. take him slightly away from the other child - day very firmly ‘we NEVER throw anything except balls and other things designed for throwing. We NEVER throw anything at others because it is dangerous and can hurt them. We have to be very careful with younger children and x is only two and a LOT younger than you

2. make him apologise to the other child

At the age I would also sit him down and say from now on if you throw anything at someone at home no tv that day

if you throw anything at someone else’s house we go straight home and no more play dates that day AND no tv

I had a very similar dc and the above is how I got through to them

There’s something very revealing in that you refer to your 4 year old as a “toddler”. He’s not. If you are treating him as one, there’s your problem. He’s school age, or almost. Your friend does have the right to defend his daughter from a boy who is two years older than her.

^this

I remember when my ds turned 4 and I had to switch out of this mindset because I was treating him as if he was 2. He changed so much and my parenting needed changing as a result.

We had zero tolerance for throwing generally I should say so Rules were clear. Throwing was for balls and frisbees in the garden only and that was it

I would cool the friendship for now. Find a 4 year old boy for your DS to play with.