Friend called my kid a brat and us bad parents

[Boymom377]

We have a four year old son who can sometimes be a handful. We have very close friends who have a two year old little girl and the two of them often play together pretty well. Every now and again my son will push or do something like that ( not sharing , typical 4 year old behavior). Well the other day son threw something at the little girl. Her father screamed at my son very loudly to the point that he was hysterical. Then started yelling at us that he was out of control and we are bad parents and all sorts of horrible things that his little two year old would never do and he is a better parent and on and on. I am so hurt by this!! Not only that he screamed at my son like that but that he is one of our best friends and should be helpful and understanding not judge mental and mean. It’s not like we don’t discipline my son, we do we do not ignore his behavior but he is strong willed and we are struggling and now I know our best friend thinks our kid is out of control and thinks we are bad parents. Am I wrong here? Does he have a right to yell at my son and us about this?? This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her, it’s two toddlers fighting over toys and making messes and not always listening. I’ve been in tears for days over this. I don’t want to hang out with them and have him judging us all the time. I’m having a hard enough time as is. Parenting isn’t easy. I don’t know what to even say to him when I see him. Does he have the right to yell at my kid and yell at us? I feel he was way out of line, am I wrong???

He shouldn't have said that to you and definitely not yelled at your kid.

BUT... "handful", "typical for his age", strong-willed", to me are the same as Highly strung, high-spirited, energetic, boisterous and other such descriptions which to me, all mean the same thing. The kid who hurts others and not the one that always gets hurt.

I'm a strict disciplinarian and I don't think I was 'lucky' to get 3 well behaved children who didn't pull that shit, even as toddlers.

Your response to knowing that your your son is a handful should be to want to watch him carefully whilst playing alongside, to monitor his play interactions especially with a much smaller child, - and to guide him and demonstrate to him how to play nicely and how to handle his emotions.
It would have been a better scenario for you to have stepped in before or at least as soon as your son threw something at the toddler to take hold of the situation firmly. That would have been good parenting and may have prevented the shouting.
You need to recognise the signs in your son to prevent him from hurting others.
He really is old enough now to know not to hurt any other child.
Ask yourself why he doesn’t know this and the answer could be that you both need support for his behaviour which it’s now your job to seek out.

The man should not have shouted and screamed or lost his temper. After all, he too, could have recognised the warning signs in your son and could have been playing alongside to guide him and his daughter to play nicely especially if he knew your son was a handful. Why wait for his daughter to get hurt and then start shouting and screaming the odds. He too, could also easily have intervened kindly to prevent the incident.
You need to know that your son is safe. Safe from others but also safe from making poor choices for himself that result in shocking outcomes like the scenario you describe.
Play with your son and show him what’s right and wrong and talk to him about it kindly. Don’t be afraid to show your own displeasure and disappointment when he does something he shouldn’t. How else will he learn good behaviour. You need to be really close to your little boy to help him now that he is forming his will.

Don’t be upset any more about what happened. Use your energy now to play with your your precious little boy more if you can. Then there will be lots of opportunities for guidance and firm, loving discipline.
Wishing you well.

No he shouldn't have shouted at your son.

A four year old shouldn't be pushing or throwing things at people though. I'd have been annoyed if that was happening to my 2 year old.

Did you react instantly when your four year old did this? I would probably have made quite a big deal out of it, taken him to one side, and ask him to apologise.

I have a four year old and a two year old, it's definitely not unheard of for my four year old to push, throw or snatch a toy (but much more likely the of two year old to throw toys). So I wouldn't say it's unusual behaviour, but I would definitely be making it 100% clear that it's not on.

He was totally wrong to shout and I totally get you must feel so embarrassed, hurt, indignant.

The issue is I always watched my dc and they never hurt or pushed any child. It upset me when someone else's dc did however and left their dc to do so.

I had one mum friend whom I really liked but I had to stop seeing her because she had a massive blind spot on her ds behaviour.
He was really violent and cunning... She never pinned him down, walked him out, took him home and once in a public place another dm of a child he injured did shout at her.

Needless to say.. Sadly he was the naughty boy of the entire school, out of control and disliked. I never ever saw the mum deal with him as I would have.. Ie apologies and home..
Consequences etc.

Be careful op, watch him.. Help him, give him consequences, follow through. As painful as this was, take it as a huge warning that you and he have to change.

• pinned down as in verbally, not physically, she accepted his lies! Eg... Why is splendid dd crying? Well she hurt her head in the door..

Oh OK...

Hmm what did he actually say or do? Because in my experience the parents who describe their DC as strong willed and spirited are exactly the same parents who think anyone who tells off said child is in the wrong / screaming / abusive.

I’d be very interested to hear the dads side of it.

Well it sounds like your friend was dragged up if that's how he responds to rough & tumble from a 4 yo, so he has no room to criticise another's parenting. He was bang out of order for how he responded & should not be screaming at small kids full stop, let alone one that isn't his. I get his worry for protecting his toddler, but the way he's dealt with it makes him a twat

He shouldnt have yelled like that but you should get a handle on your childs behaviour too. If your son throws and is rough sometimes you remove him from the situation before he can harm another child. Think you need to step up a bit OP on sorting your son.If you don;t then sadly parents will keep their kids away from you. You do not want your child to be known as that kid who everyone avoids and avoid they will.Its not hard really its not you need to learn to spot issues before they arise.

People parent differently and yes, you may need to wind your son in. I’d definitely have told him off for hitting etc. However, it does sound like normal toddler/young child stuff. Wait until his 2 year old princess gains another year, he may see just how difficult kids can actually be.
I would drop this family. It’s a shame as you were all so close but I wouldn’t be spoken to like that by a “friend”. I’d also be mortified. I bet he’s a bastard to live with.

Pushing and throwing without warning is not typical behaviour at 4. Were you not watching him?

he screamed at my son

Remind me @Boymom377 who the toddler is. The adult behaviour is pretty toddler like here. Surely the other parent can see he is out of order.

My DH is a very mild mannered chilled out person but he was a bit PFB with DD. She was about 2 and playing with her 4 year old cousin who could be a bit rough when the cousin poked DD in the face with a pencil and almost caught her eye. DH really lost it and snapped the pencil and threw it and shouted at DNeice, who ran away and hid she was so scared.
Huge family row and DH was absolutely devastated he had over reacted so badly.
If it was a one off over reaction to their smaller and probably more fragile child by your older boy who has “form” you could maybe see if you can find a way past it but if you don’t feel that’s possible or you don’t want to then you need to accept you have lost these friends or at least only see them child free

So did you just sit there passively whilst your friend screamed at you and your DS? I am assuming your DP wasn't there too? Crying for days is a bit of an over reaction. Sounds like your very passive with your DS, you excuse his behaviour by stating it's 'Normal' for a 4 yr old. He pushes a 2 yr old and throws stuff at her and could cause injury. Instead of crying perhaps reflect on why your close friends have stated your bad parents.

I wouldn't have shouty aggressive dads in my house, full stop. What your child did is immaterial, nursery teachers don't yell like that at children who hurt others (as often they do!)

He could have and should have ended the playdate, said firmly to your child 'that hurt' and got up and left. He could then have said it's not working out those ages playing together, let's give it a rest.

It wasn't one sharp reprimand even, he went on and on, called him names, not ok.

Your child may well be too rough with the two year old, and that's on you, but shouting so badly at a small child is on him and I wouldn't allow them round again.

I think this is the end of your friendship so no need to torture yourself over what to say to them next time.
The man was out of line to react in that way , but it does sound like you need to work on your 4 year old's behaviour.
Sorry this has happened ,.but you really shouldn't be crying for days .

It’s hard to know when we only have your side of the story. Maybe your child is out of control and you’re not effectively dealing with it. Throwing things is pretty bad behaviour for a four year old. It’s behaviour you’d expect more from a two year old.

I don’t blame your friend for yelling at your son. I wonder whether your upset is more embarrassment because your son is so poorly behaved and his behaviour has been witnessed by someone else. It sounds like whatever you’re doing isn’t working and maybe you need to re think how you deal with him. We always found time out and taking the toys she loved away from her when she was naughty very effective. Don’t threaten anything that you’re not willing to carry out, ie, if you do that again we’ll go home. Good luck going forward. These are the realities of parenting you never see on social media when parents are posting about their lovely day with the kids.

rough & tumble from a 4 yo

You think throwing something at a 2 year old is "rough and tumble from a 4 year old"? It isn't.

No wonder his kid behaves if thats how dad reacts

As many have said it's never ok to yell at a child like that. However, your narrative comes across as victimy and vague. You downplay your son's behavior. You call him a toddler when he isn't. You don't say what he threw or whether it hit or hurt the girl. (I had a metal truck thrown hard at my head as a kid which could have blinded or scarred me if it hadn't missed by a couple of inches). You say you discipline him, but don't say how or what your response was with this instance or any other.

And You cried for days as a result? That really doesn't sound balanced or what an empowered adult would do....

The fact that this was a friend who lost it - who would have a big investment in keeping the peace or saying things more diplomatically (and you don't suggest any history of this guy being unreasonable) suggests to me that either your son's attack was quite extreme, and/or they have been getting more and more irate for months over his roughness and seeing your lack of action.

The guy was wrong to shout, the child wrong to throw & the Op not to step in-either to discipline her son or get him away from an adult who shouted so much he became hysterical & then began berating Op.

Who hangs around ti engage or listen to that shit?

If you knew your 4 years old can push 2 years old etc, and you still wanted them to play together, it's your responsibility to teach your dc not to do that, make sure it doesn't happen, especially to 2 years old.

There's a very easy way to make sure he never yells at your child again...You need to start properly disciplining your child.

He should not have shouted and screamed.

Echoing what PP have said - your child, at 4, is not a toddler and I would expect him to have stopped lobbing stuff at other kids by now. While ‘hysterical screaming’ at someone else’s child really isn’t on, I can only imagine that he got a fright and/or it was an accumulation of and behaviour that just made everything bubble over.
An honest chat with them about why you feel upset and an apology from both sides would be the idea outcome for me.