Friend called my kid a brat and us bad parents

[Boymom377]

We have a four year old son who can sometimes be a handful. We have very close friends who have a two year old little girl and the two of them often play together pretty well. Every now and again my son will push or do something like that ( not sharing , typical 4 year old behavior). Well the other day son threw something at the little girl. Her father screamed at my son very loudly to the point that he was hysterical. Then started yelling at us that he was out of control and we are bad parents and all sorts of horrible things that his little two year old would never do and he is a better parent and on and on. I am so hurt by this!! Not only that he screamed at my son like that but that he is one of our best friends and should be helpful and understanding not judge mental and mean. It’s not like we don’t discipline my son, we do we do not ignore his behavior but he is strong willed and we are struggling and now I know our best friend thinks our kid is out of control and thinks we are bad parents. Am I wrong here? Does he have a right to yell at my son and us about this?? This isn’t horrible behavior like punching or really hurting her, it’s two toddlers fighting over toys and making messes and not always listening. I’ve been in tears for days over this. I don’t want to hang out with them and have him judging us all the time. I’m having a hard enough time as is. Parenting isn’t easy. I don’t know what to even say to him when I see him. Does he have the right to yell at my kid and yell at us? I feel he was way out of line, am I wrong???

And I do think while I would be wary of someone who had spoken to me like this that this may be a wake up call to think about how other children and parents will think of your dc in future unless this behaviour is really dealt with, hard as that is.

Having had a very physical child I’m completely aware how hard it is, but the way ahead is to focus and deal with it consistently and firmly and it is highly likely to stop

What did you do when your dc threw something at his kid?

It’s a tricky one op I can see both sides...

For now I’d suggest finding other 4 year old boys for your son to play with.

Being a handful is probably your blinkered phrase for a 4 year old that’s out of control

Trip to the library for some reading material on how to deal with this

Perhaps you don’t ignore the bad behaviour, but possibly you aren’t achieving prevention of the bad behaviour being repeated constantly and you need to. Whatever method you’re using now isn’t working

It depends on the REALITY of how your don behaves and how you respond. He's not a toddler. Is his behaviour out of control? Has there been a history of your child hurting others? Is the dad at the end of a very long tether? He shouldn't have screamed like he did though. But again, what did he ACTUALLY say? Did he scream or speak loudly? It all depends on whether you have a distorted view of things where you pretend your son is not as bad as he is and if you perceive any discourse as the other person 'screaming' or if you are being honest and rational.

I think you arenwrong, yes. They are probably sick of their little girl always getting hurt. Was he put of order to shout at your son? Well it depends if he actually screamed at him, like you say, or he just told him off.
Also, your son is NOT a toddler, he is 4. Going by your post I can imagine you let him away with friends too much.

What was/would have been your reaction to him throwing if your friend hadn't shouted?

Throwing something AT someone is not acceptable and would have warranted a time out for my 3yo.

I think he should have let you handle it as you are the parent but if you were going to let it slide then I can see why he jumped in (albeit OTT).

Far too much, not friends too much

This is difficult. Obviously the way the man behaved was unreasonable. However, I have lost friendships due to the type of behaviour you describe. A four year old throwing things at/ pushing a two year old would be intolerable for me on a regular basis. I have stopped seeing a family due to this type of behaviour as it wasn’t fair on my child. It is not two toddlers fighting. They are not two siblings. I have three children and it is not normal for 4 year olds to hurt 2 year olds ( other than maybe siblings sometimes).
You need to tackle this type of behaviour as others will distance themselves over it, even if they don’t confront you directly.

I should add that parenting is really hard, and it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. Everyone struggles with different things. However, now it the time to research and find a sanction/ reward system that works for your son, and use it consistently.

It seems likely this is something they've discussed at length and this incident was a 'last straw' situation.

Should he have shouted at your son? Absolutely not! He should have had an honest discussion with you about it. Offered support even. Instead it sounds like your friends sat on it until finally - boom!

While exploding at your son was out of order, you could use this as a reason to look again at your 'handful' and see if there are things you can change.

And stay away from this bloke for a while. It would probably be a good idea to halt the visits for now.

4 is not a toddler and let's be honest throwing is for certain toys and outside only, all 4 year olds can and should have already learnt this.
The other parents reaction is irrelevant really you are failing your dc. Your little boy is going to be very, very unhappy at school unless you change your parenting style.

Three things, as others have said:

• of course he should not have shouted. I'd not feel like I wanted to see them again
• children who are described as 'a handful ' by their parents are often just a nightmare to be around
• four is a little old to throw things at other children I feel

I had to lose a regular playdate once, in the end we couldn't meet up because her son hurt my son every time, with ineffective prevention/discipline from the parent.

I'm sorry you are upset. I'm sure you're not a bad parent, but it is possible you could do more to stop the rough behaviour.

Also don't believe any girl/boy rubbish - boys are taught (either actively or passively) to be rough, it isn't inate.

Four year olds don’t “typically” throw things at much younger children, push them, fight with them etc. One of mine is currently four and has a few little friends the same age. None of them behave how you are describing. Very few of the children I’ve known at this age were constantly behaving in this way. If we routinely socialised with a family whose older child was behaving like this towards my two year old and their parents failed to deal with it because they thought it was just ‘what four year olds do’ yes I probably would reach a point when my child nearly gets hurt for the zillionth time and the kids parents do sod all, that I would lose my cool. I wouldn’t worry about how/if you’ll socialise with them again OP because they may have already taken that decision themselves.
If you’re struggling with DC’s behaviour you need to take steps to address it or maybe seek outside help. I get that it’s hard, but you can’t allow them to bully other children and expect other parents to be Ok with that.

I think this is a build up of various incidences where his daughter has got upset or hurt and he snapped. I’m not saying it’s right to scream at a 4 year old. Perhaps you should have a break from socialising with the children for a while
This.

You describe your 4 year old as a toddler. You describe him as a 'handful', then say he sometimes pushes, doesn't share and other typical behaviour. You've said he makes a mess and doesn't listen. He's then thrown something at a child half his age. You've minimised this because it punching or 'really hurting' her, which suggests that his behaviour does hurt a 2 year old .

Generally adults keep their opinions of friends' children to themselves so for an adult, who is a good friend, to suddenly lose it like that it sounds like they've got fed up of their child ending up in the firing line.

It doesn't excuse shouting, but I can absolutely see why a parent might go into protective mode of yet again their 2 year old is on the receiving end of a child twice their age throwing something at them.

It does sound like you're struggling and could probably do with some support, but the first step has to be looking objectively at your child's behaviour as a lot of your phrasing sounds like excuses and euphemisms for being rough and badly behaved.

You call your 4 yr old a toddler but isn't that school age? So are you also over egging your friend's response? Did they really scream and rant at your child or did they raise their voice and tell them to stop. Because my 11 yr old will cry even now if someone else tells them they have over stepped the mark and they realise they are being a brat, even if they've been ignoring me.
Telling you there is a problem with their behaviour sounds like it was a good response. Better than telling your son off - you are the one who needs to deal with it and it sounds like you are minimizing your son's behaviour on a regular basis. Why had you not discipline your son for throwing something at another person? Why did the dad feel the need to step in? What had your son already done that you had possibly ignored as 'toddler behaviour'? Because another adult getting angry out of the blue is unusual, especially if they haven't for the last 4 years. Either your son threw something very dangerously or it wasn't a solitary event that day.

He was unreasonable to shout at your ds regardless of what had happened. He sounds like a nasty bully.

What do you do when your DS hurts someone?

Yes, the dad shouldn't have yelled, but it sounds like he was at the end of his tether. I do think a 4 YO knows not to do these things.

I can understand why you're hurt, but he might have done you a favour by telling you this isn't normal. You really need to address his behaviour asap.

Sounds like the other parent lost his teather with your child and you. Your 4 year old shouldn't be hurting another child and you should be teaching him that. I doubt he laid into your child. I suspect you are seething because you are embarassed that another parent had to step in so you are looking for validation here. Not once have you admitted your fault in this.

It depends. I stopped seeing a friend because she seemed to think it was ok for her toddler to terrorise my baby. The behaviour was "normal" but she did not address it properly at all. Started with small things. Taking the babies dummy/feeds when she tiny. Running off with filthy hands all over the teats. Yes I was a first time mum and more careful with germs. Then it turned into ripping bibs of her neck. Screaming in her face. Leaping on her bouncer or on her playmat so my baby couldn't lie anywhere. Shouting mine in her face. Pulling toys out her hands with force so she pulled her over. My friend never once got up, removed her child from the situation and gave a firm no. She never explained anything too her. I stopped meeting her because my baby was going to eventually get hurt or be scared of her. This went on for 10 months!

But I also understand your side. When my DD was 3.5-4.5 she was abit difficult. Jealous and not great at playing with kids on playdates. I always felt embarrassed by her behaviour. It got me down alot. But I do did everything I could and she's come out the other side fine.

My honest opinion is playdates in toddlers and preschoolers rarely are a dream! There are in that stage of life where they can be selfish, possesive and stuck in a stage of mine! I noticed with my DD that under the age of 5 she had 45 minutes of patients on a playdate. maybe a little longer. Then whether we was at a park or walking with friends, the problems started. She was tired, emotionally she had had enough. I think we expect too much of young children.

Also two year olds are annoying (only half serious) I own one myself and he can really be irritating to my eldest. He's mostly a happy, bouncy, boisterous thing. But he can be frustrating to her. Especially if she's trying to do something and he comes in like Miley Cyrus, on her wrecking ball.

They are probably not the right age to play together or your son has a cut of point where he has had enough. But you are not a bad parent if you correct and deal with bad behaviour/choices. X

I'm wondering if because your son, who isn't a toddler, and is old enough to be at school, has done things in the past to their little girl (who is a toddler). I do think he's over reacted, but I wonder if you'd missed him doing anything else and not been checking his behaviour .

A four year old understands the difference between good and bad behaviour and knows not to throw things at other children. Or will do if he's given appropriate boundaries and discipline.

The dad over reacted for sure, but it may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I hope you work on your son's behaviour. It might get difficult at school if you don't.

No he shouldn’t have shouted at you.

When Dd was young we were friends with a couple with a son the same age who was a bit of a handful. I’m sure they thought they were disciplining him every time he attacked Dd. They’d certainly tell him off and say if you do that again we’re leaving or that he’d go to his room, etc. 5 mins later he’d do it again and not get the consequence he’d been warned of previously.....just another telling off.

I didn’t think that was great parenting but I never told them. However we distanced ourselves from them as I had to protect Dd. Chances are if you don’t sort your ds behaviour out you will see less and less of them.

I’m sure my friend thought Dd wasn’t really hurt and that she was making a fuss when she cried when she was pushed over, etc. I thought her ds was a bit of a sociopath however he has grown into a nice young man now so it does all pass.

He shouldn’t have screamed at your son but your child is no longer a toddler and I would have probably lost it too if a 4 year old threw something at my 2 year old.

As others have said, it’s probably not an ideal play scenario anyway.

I wouldn’t be socialising with you again until his behaviour improved, sorry.

Four year olds, as people say, are not toddlers. I think many parents would react harshly if a bigger child attacked their smaller child and the parent dismissed it as ‘normal’.

It is not normal for parents to minimise a four year old hurting someone else. He probably overreacted but since you seem to have an out of kilter base line, it’s impossible to know the reality. Accept the child was not under proper control and work on that instead of blaming others for dealing with it badly. The root cause is your allowing your child to be wilful and hurt others.