Would you allow your elderly parents to move in with you if

[Lardlizard]

They used their money to either build an annexe into your existing house

It used their money so you could buy a much larger house
Which would have. A separate annex

Just read some of the pp 'hell no', 'not a chance', 'my mum is a nightmare', 'jesus no chance', 'I need my space'.....Some parents are abusive but most are not but it is clear that many people feel that their parents are a burden and inconvenience. Just as well their parents didn't feel that way about them when they were growing up.

Maybe the parents did @damnthatanxiety and that is why the posters are saying no way. I love my DM but I couldn't be her carer. Also I don't think it is fair to ask DH to live with my parents and the same for me with his parents. We helped DM to move closer to us when DF died but it was never on the cards for her to move in with us or for us to buy a bigger house so we could have an annex. The same applies to the in-laws as well.

And my DM wouldn't have wanted to live with us anyway, she wouldn't want us to change our lives so much for her.

It depends;are you going to be expected to do their cooking/cleaning/shopping/laundry and personal care as they get older and older?,is an alternative to a potential care home or paid for care assistance in their home?

Just as well their parents didn't feel that way about them when they were growing up.

And you know this because?

I should imagine a good many of the posters who post this are the children of parents who without being outright abusive did make them feel they were a burden.

I am actually fine with my parents and never felt a burden to them, but I would not want to live with them because I think they would be uncomfortable about a good many things about the way we live:

they are teetotallers so seeing us drink even a small glass of wine on a Friday evening would upset them

they would be deeply shocked if they heard me utter even the mildest of swear words

they would be shocked it they overheard some of the very open discussions I have with my (adult) children on matters like sex

they would be shocked and uncomfortable with the television being on several evenings a week for frivolous things like detective series- in fact, they would be uncomfortable with any violence that wasn't Shakespeare (though my mother also gets upset when Shakespeare is not in traditional costume)

my mother also gets very unhappy when she overhears anyone discussing politics so we'd not be able to do that while she was awake

they wouldn't like our cooking, particularly not as we do a lot of vegetarian

They are lovely, lovely people, but they would be unhappy in my home. Ds and I can just about get through 6 weeks summer holidays spent together because we keep a check list of things we mustn't do or say and ds is extremely good-natured. For 6 weeks a year.

Nasty little post @damnthatanxiety.

My parents were provided with a house when they had DC to help bring us up. DM was financially supported by DF to care for the children. DC at school all day from ages 3-17. Parks and leisure set up to cope with children, who got in cheaper. Children were only physically dependent for 15 years.

None of this applies to elderlies.

I applaud anyone who is willing to look after elderly parents in their own homes. But things can change if they end up suffering from alzheimers. My fil is 93 with alzheimers. He is still in his flat in a retirement complex and has carers 4 times a day. As parents age, so do you. It is fine to think about running around after your sweet elderly mum or dad while you are in your forties and fit and strong. It is a different kettle of fish as you age. My dh is the main carer for his father (in addition to all those other visits, which are for medication, food etc). He is 67. He didn't envisage his retirement would be spent caring for his father, after all, he is no longer a young man himself. It's hard work.

You would happily wipe the arse of your parent? Your Dad? Or change his adult nappy? It isn't something I could do

No, I would t do this and I'm a nurse. My dad would be absolutely mortified if either my sister or I did it.

Yes, I’ve had the conversation with them already.

No way. As a child my grandfather lived with us for several years and my mum his full time carer. She was shattered and had very little time for the rest of the family. Nearly ruined her marriage too beat my grandfather was a manipulative git.

My parents are elderly and has had falls but are refusing carers. We begged them to move to a bungalow years ago but they refused and now have to sleep downstairs and use a commode that they empty in the outside loo. They have to wash using a pan of water.

I do the shopping and cleaning but refuse personal care because if they can manage without professor carers they can manage themselves. Sounds harsh but the more you do and the more they expect. I work full time so there are limits.

Nope. No way. Not a chance.
I get a hotel when I visit because I won’t risk being stuck in a house with an alcoholic.

How do you manage this, tho, without causing mortal offence? I would far prefer to stay in a hotel due to similar issues plus fag smoke billowing into my bedroom at 3am, but omg, she’d be so offended. The wider family would not understand. I’d be crucified.

Yes - with an
annex

Shizzlestix

Once I had a child a realized that I had to protect her from my parents. It’s brutal, but it’s true. As far as she is concerned, they are perfectly lovely people because the second my father acts up, we leave. I had 18 years of training to be able to spot the warning signs. They do take offense, but I don’t care. It’s my job to protect her so I do. Over time it’s gotten better because they know grandchild access is dependent on good behavior.

I know my MIL in the end had to insist on moving out from caring for her MIL and get a professional nurse instead, not because her MIL was a nasty person but because she was having a bad effect on her grandchildren, turning her grandson into a very anxious and worried little boy through her own anxiety and fussing. In the end my MIL had to prioritise the wellbeing of her child.

I think all the people saying in a heartbeat have never read the threads here with daughters on their knees with mental and physical exhaustion caring for elderly parents.

I agree SBTLove and I don’t think they have even had the merest glimpse of seeing what dementia really does to someone, and their family.

Entirely agree that a lot of people on this thread waxing lyrical about caring for elderly parents have a somewhat rose-tinted viewpoint of what this entails. I’d be more convinced if there were posters coming forward to say how fulfilling it is looking after their parents with advanced dementia.

My mother suffered from dementia and she didn’t even live with me - it still nearly broke me. It’s made me a bit tearful reading the poster upthread (maybe tears?) with the description of the WhatsApp messages, as it brought back to me the sheer grinding desperation of trying (and failing) to cope, when every problem dealt with just meant that the next day threw up a different problem that you hadn’t foreseen.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

I agree SBTLove and I don’t think they have even had the merest glimpse of seeing what dementia really does to someone, and their family.

I agree about dementia; someone with dementia needs 24 hour specialist care (my aunt did). However not everyone has dementia when they become old, there are plenty of conditions that need care but the patient is sentient and can co-operate. My mother in law was like that, she was 'nice' to look after. We didn't have to do it on our own though, had help.

@damnthatanxiety

So sad how so many people view their parents.

So selfish what so many elderly people would do to their busy young families.

damnthatanxiety while parents chose to have children, children didn't choose to have parents.

I notice a few people mentioned a separate annexe.
My friend has the luxury of a lot of land. They got mobile homes for each of their parents, my friends Df and her husbands dm
Dm was already showing signs of Early dementia When she moved . At the beginning it was just supporting her with food, admin, social stuff although being very rural there wasn’t a lot going on in the area. It didn’t take too long before continence problems started.
At first it wasn’t fairly easy to contain, trousers and pants, bedding was easily washed but then again it all got really messy. It started to affect my friends health.
They were always worried about what she was going to do next.
They were adamant she wasn’t going into a home. In the earlier stages they managed a few breaks away as their older children took up the slack but it was impossible when it got messy.

Eventually they decided on a full time live in carer. It had limited success. As part of the contract she had to have 2 hrs downtime a day, which meant my friend and her dh always had to be around. Sometimes friends dad managed her for those two hours for at the time he was very active for someone in his early to mid 80s.

Things soon got to crisis point and dm became very ill. They were then thinking of a care home . Dm had to go into hospital and passed away in there.

My friend got a couple of years respite and then her df started with dementia. He was already coming over each evening for dinner. Not a problem. He really was a lovely man but as his problems increased he had to move in with my friend.
Again, he lived with them for about a year before he passed.

It’s a huge commitment and like I said, they had the facilities to do this and even so it took its toll on their lives and freedom and their health and in the case of my friend she did far more than her share with her mil than her dh

That wouldn't work for me

I agree SBTLove and I don’t think they have even had the merest glimpse of seeing what dementia really does to someone, and their family.

I took a year off in my 20s to look after my terminally ill grandmother until she passed. I know it is not easy. It is difficult and much harder as you yourself age

I also don't think your parents living in an annexe means you are solely responsible for their care particularly if you can afford high quality in-home care and the annexe is specifically built to adapt to their needs as they get older. Personally I prefer a team of carers working 2 or 3 shifts a day as opposed to live-in care. It would be nice to have them around while healthy and before their health deteriorates. Also, because I don't expect to use their money, their money can actually go to their care needs. I think the willingness to accept care and the ability to pay for it provides a really different outcome to the daughter/in-law being expected to provide care for her parents/in-laws.

And there is always the option to move into a care home if the needs become too complex

All the folk saying they'd commit suicide if they needed care - not likely. LOADS of people say this, almost none go through with it. It's human nature to want to live. Please don't kid yourself that you'd actually follow through.