Would you allow your elderly parents to move in with you if

[Lardlizard]

They used their money to either build an annexe into your existing house

It used their money so you could buy a much larger house
Which would have. A separate annex

Never. Under any circumstances. We 'save all our lives' to buy in care. Not put upon our nearest and dearest.
And any decent parents wouldn't impose themselves on their adult DC and their families in this way. As an ex district nurse I've seen what this can do to marriages and families first hand. Usually the women.

We planned for this. But due to circumstances it won't happen now.
We bought the large family home from my parents and they gifted us a very large deposit on paper. They kept a room and officially lived with us but went off to travel the World and just came home for holidays. The plan was that when they felt themselves slowing down they would build an glorified chalet in the garden so they would live with us full time but have their own space. Sadly Mom never made it home and after a while Dad started traveling again alone and now lives in another county. He has a room with us still but rarely uses it and is quite firm that he will not be looked after by anybody when the time comes.

If it is to provide care then there may come a time when the level of care required is too much for you to provide and if you then get carers in or they move to a care home the funding issues around this could get messy.

I would with mine because it would be easier than visiting twice a week and they would appreciate the company.
However, I know that would lead to me becoming a carer, and I’m happy with that.
If you don’t want to be on call and a carer then, no.

Make the most of your parents whist you still have them.

Making the most of your parents shouldn't involve sacrificing your own happiness, health and life, though. I would happily do things like shopping, taking them to doctors appointments etc. but there is no way on earth I would provide 24/7 care and unfortunately when you live with your family, that's what becomes expected of you.

The council are highly unlikely to fund outside care when there is someone young and fit enough living on the property who can do it for free. Also if your parents co-own your home and require a care home, you could be forced to sell your house to fund that care.

Worth thinking about the long term financial consequences too.

No fucking way.

My dad has been trying to move in with me since I was 26 and he was 70.

He tries to take over my life enough as it is and his antics ended my first marriage - if he had moved in with us like he wanted to back then we’d have all been fucked when we split.

I get guilt tripped constantly now that he’s 84 but never.

You also have to think of what would happen if your marriage ended and you had to sell the house. Anything can happen and elderly relatives bring added pressure to a relationship.

Yes without a doubt

I see this fairly frequently at work. Invariably as the person gets older and frailer the daughter (bar one or 2 exceptions it's a daughter) is providing increasing levels of care so they can no longer go on holiday or go out spontaneously or for too long. I've seen carers under huge amounts of strain, with marriages that are breaking down as the husband didn't realise the level of commitment it would require.

If you can try to make sure there are funds set aside for good private domiciliary home care when you combine the properties. Otherwise statutory services will offer home care if needed but it won't be as good as what the family carer can provide and then they often cancel the care package due to the guilt.

Yes, but at the moment they would probably find our house too small. I’m used to living in smaller places and I’m ok with it.

What happens if you need to provide a home for all parents?

What happens if you split up?

What happens if they live for another 20/30 years? You could end up in your late 70s looking after elderly relatives. If they end up with dementia and/or personal care would that mean you need to be around 24/7, you would never be able to leave them on their own. Could stop you going on holiday, having a life of your own

It depends on so much. If we had a decent relationship then probably but there would need to be some agreement on using some of their money for a once or even twice a day carer if that was needed. I guess I’d be willing to do a decent amount of work with them (actually in my case more likely I end up caring for my PILs) but I would not be willing to do it all. They’d also need to move into a home or get a LOT of home help if they got dementia and got to the point that they were unsafe.

My dsis and I both agreed that neither if us could live with our dm, she was the sort of person would just bulldoze her way through and take over, she would probably have driven me to a nervous breakdown or my dsis to murder.

We both loved her and she loved us but our relationships with her were definitely better when we weren't under thr same roof

I would not have contemplated either of my parents or my FIL, my Dad had complex needs and my Mother and FIL were horrible people. I would have MIL live in an annexe and I know I would end up main career if needed however though not perfect she has been lovely to me after a bit of a rocky start for donkeys years now.

Not a chance in hell would that be happening. They may be my parents, but I couldn't stand them in close proximity to me every day.

No.

I don't think people realise how hard it is to care for the elderly when their own parents or inlaws are well.

My mum (and dad when he was alive) lives in a detached annex. It was there when we bought the house but they spent £60,000 extend and remodelling There house is rented out and we have half each of the rental money. Works for us. Dad needed care mum not so much. We shared care

Yes

When hell freezes over.

Annex isn't always practice for elderly parents unless it's all on one level.

We brought a house with parents. They have a bedroom, shower room, lounge and study. We share the kitchen.

It's not easy but it works.

We looked so many houses, so many were not quite right, many had large master suites and small other rooms, many had no garden etc.

Everyone needs their own space.
You need to think about inheritance, cost of care etc if required, how the house is owned and division of assets. So if care is required you aren't required to sell your home to pay for it etc.

A double story annex or single,
what if their health degrades to the point you can't care for them at home.

I would take good legal advice op before you venture into this step .
I loved my mum to bits and vowed she would never go into a care home.
I think we all have the fantasy, probably portrayed by the adverts..that old age would just be slowing down a bit , a few aches and pains but in mums case
She was as fit as a butchers dog...but the dementia was something else.

Anyone who has to see a loved one suffer in this way will know exactly what I’m talking about.

You are continually fire fighting. Every time you think you’ve sorted out a problem..putting a Locked gate acroSS the stairs , so she had to use her downstairs that was like a ground floor flat with ensuite bedroom and not risk slipping on the stairs.
Mum, would then go walkies at all hours of the day or night..
So, we had a system whereby if she opened the Front door her Telephone would ring . If she didn’t answer then a car would be sent up to check on her.
She pulled out the phone cord.

On and on it went.

So, yes you need to look into all the legalities of sharing a property and what happens if the loved one has to go into social care.

Care homes vary from around £500 pw, that was 4 years ago to £1500 in my aunts case in London.
It’s a lot of money to find if the LA wants their portion of cash out of your home.
I honestly would tread with caution. There are so many pitfalls it’s like a nuclear bomb waiting to go off.

When I first met dh we agreed in the future no way would be accommodating any aged relatives...

Yes I would - an annexe though as we have a four year old who would wear her out too much!

Yes, although if they needed actual nursing care they would prefer to be in a proper nursing home with people who could provide care properly. But if it was somewhere for one or both of them to live fairly independently (or maybe needing taken to appointments or to see friends the odd time, the reassurance of having "someone nearby" and meals etc made) then yes - but my parents have always been great, supported us, helped out when they could etc, and I know they would be careful not to impose too much or expect us to provide a constant social outlet for them.

With my in-laws, I don't think I would (and DH would agree with me). They'd want to come and sit in our living room every evening, drive them everywhere, sort out all finances etc and generally it would be a rather one-way street (which is fine if they're incapable, but they're not). They also haven't been massively supportive of us along the way. We wouldn't see them stuck or living on the streets or anything, but living with us certainly wouldn't be our first choice!

You need to find out what happens if she needs more care than you can provide in the future. Giving you money to extend your home could be seen as deprivation of assets and someone might come looking for the cash to pay for fees.