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Original poster

Would you allow your elderly parents to move in with you if

210 replies

Lardlizard · 05/09/2020 20:10

They used their money to either build an annexe into your existing house

It used their money so you could buy a much larger house
Which would have. A separate annex

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 05/09/2020 21:32

I would much rather not i suppose I'd consider it if there wasn't another option that would mean they could be looked after ok.

I'm a nurse and am completely happy to do personal care, but I would hate not having my own space.

sitckmansladylove · 05/09/2020 21:33

No. I didn't have supportive parents growing up. My mother was critical and quite horrible. Its fine now but i would get very down/ depressed if i had to live under her shadow again If i did have a recent relationship i would. Mil might need support soon so dont know what will happen. She has attention seeking behaviours but is a nice woman.

SuitedandBooted · 05/09/2020 21:34

No. I didn't do that to myself or my children. I helped with arranging care etc, but would not assume the role of nurse - and that's what you have to consider, even if they are fine atm.

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Dementia & alzheimer's
Supersimkin2 · 05/09/2020 21:34

No.

25 years' care from me is way longer than it takes to bring up a child, indeed two.

I need to earn a living.

EstherLittle · 05/09/2020 21:34

Nope

It’s bad enough being mansplained from 300 miles away let alone next door.

jessstan2 · 05/09/2020 21:35

It never happened, there was no need but we did consider it for both our mums (dads died earlier), as long as we could ensure they had self contained accommodation. Being a carer for them would not have bothered us and I was a carer for my mother in law, with help from paid carers, but at her house.

I do not want that for myself though! It's my intention to stay in my own home (not necessarily this one, I might downsize), on my own until I pop my clogs. I know we cannot see the future but it's not a bad ambition.

GoldenHoops · 05/09/2020 21:37

Yes we would. Looked after MIL [she had Vascular Dementia] and would care for my mum.

tearinyourhand · 05/09/2020 21:37

You would happily wipe the arse of your parent? Your Dad? Or change his adult nappy? It isn't something I could do

I can't say 'happily' but I did this sort of thing for my father when he was dying because the alternative was that he was left lying in his own urine until the next time the carers came.

I think people vastly overestimate the help that is available to the elderly. People talk about getting carers and paying for care if necessary, but unless you are wealthy enough to be able to afford 24 hours a day care then your options are fairly limited. My father cried the first time I had to shower him (and I'd only ever seen him cry once before in my life, at a funeral) as he was so humiliated. But I loved him. I couldn't imagine leaving him lying in his own urine and excrement for 12 hours or whatever just because I didn't want to clean him.

tearinyourhand · 05/09/2020 21:39

I couldn't have a parent live or in law live in my house with me, but I could cope with them living in a separate annex.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 05/09/2020 21:40

Yes. Well, we did, 2 years ago.
My parents sold their house, we sold ours, moved into a house together - with an annexe for them.

When considering pros and cons I didn't factor in "pandemic" but it has been good having them close during lockdown - although that has its downsides too as teens about to go back to school.

Supersimkin2 · 05/09/2020 21:42

*You would happily wipe the arse of your parent? Your Dad? Or change his adult nappy? ...

... I’d consider it a privilege.*

I wouldn't.

Supersimkin2 · 05/09/2020 21:44

'You would happily wipe the arse of your parent? Your Dad? Or change his adult nappy? ...'

'I’d consider it a privilege'

I wouldn't.

Beamur · 05/09/2020 21:47

My Mum - we looked into this and would have done it, but events overtook us. But she did live with us for 3 months before she died and we cared for her and had carers in to help.
My Dad - absolutely no chance.
PIL - we discussed all of us moving to somewhere else so we could live closely but independently. They decided against this (but hugely regretted that) FIL died after a short illness and MIL no longer able to live on her own due to dementia. She stayed with us for about 6:weeks and it was dreadful. She couldn't be left for more than a few minutes, wasn't continent at night, fell several times and was incredibly vulnerable despite our best efforts. It was a huge relief to find her a suitable care home.

Branleuse · 05/09/2020 21:50

Yes i would

catfeets · 05/09/2020 22:03

My (soon to be) MIL asked us to buy a house with an annexe. We considered it as it would help us buy a larger home.
What put us off was the state she left the house in when she lived in my DPs empty house while it was being sold. She also didn't pay him a penny for the 5mth stay, leaving us with hundreds of pounds worth of heating bills despite the hot summer we've had Angry.
We predict that she'd soon stop paying her part of any bills incurred, she only contacts my DP when she wants something and has already stated she won't do any child care, ever. She will, however, expect us to look after her in her old age.

Original poster
Lardlizard · 05/09/2020 22:12

Personally I couldn’t do this

OP posts:
Elsiebear90 · 05/09/2020 22:12

No and they wouldn’t want to either, not because we don’t have a good relationship, we have a great relationship, luckily they’re young and both in good health now, but because we saw how hard it was to care for my grandad when he had dementia and my mum and dad have said they wouldn’t want to inflict that on us.

I neither have the time, money or capacity to be a full or even part time carer for anyone and I can’t see how that would change in the next 20/30 years.

My fiancée’s nan has Alzheimer’s and it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to care for her, luckily she has a granddaughter who doesn’t work for various reasons and has moved in to live with her, but she’s refusing to shower and eat, waking up at random times in the night trying to leave the house, and she was only diagnosed last year. I’m not sure how much longer it’s sustainable before she either needs to go into a home or have professional carers. I think people vastly underestimate how difficult it is to be a carer for people with dementia, it’s not just helping them with daily activities, it would be much much easier if that was all it involved.

Echobelly · 05/09/2020 22:13

I would, but then I get on really well with my parents.

lljkk · 05/09/2020 22:21

I don't get along that well with my parents.
You can get social care for arse wiping, you know, even if your parents live next door and become so needy. There are such options.

Funny enough, now that DD works in a care home & has to do the actual arse wiping... of strangers who can do some pretty unpleasant behaviour (unhygienic or violent)... I used to think that care from offspring would violate my dignity, but now I feel "meh" at the prospect of her doing that care for me. She threatened to throw us in the cheapest nastiest nursing home possible this evening (so we can grovel at her for money, this was a JOKE gals!) but actually... I think she'd get me a good carer. Or even do some physical care herself. It's no big deal.

My young adult brothers did (paid) physical care for our elderly grandfather, back in the 1980s. My mother trusted my brothers more than random care staff she could have hired instead.

BlowingmyJets · 05/09/2020 22:31

Why are people assuming the op would be doing the arse wiping?

Carers could come in but it simply means op can keep a eye on them if they become vulnerable.

FinnyStory · 05/09/2020 22:33

I think taking their money to improve our house makes things "complicated". I'd prefer to pay for it myself if possible. I have a plan in my head that converts our garage into a bed sit and the utility room (on the back of the garage) into a bathroom.

BlowingmyJets · 05/09/2020 22:33

Op I would have done this for one parent, easy going, sweet, adorable...

The other, as much as I loved him... No. Too belligerent, awkward... Difficult and too many issues!

In laws, not a f+++ chance in hell.

londonscalling · 05/09/2020 22:35

Yes for my mum. No for my in-laws Wink

londonscalling · 05/09/2020 22:35

@Kreacheriscleaning

For my parents l, yes. They are lovely, kind and considerate people that I actually like.

For the in-laws. Not a fucking chance.
I’ve just checked with DH and he is in complete agreement.

I could have written that myself!
SpeedofaSloth · 05/09/2020 22:38

Why are people assuming the op would be doing the arse wiping?

Because you have to work quite hard to make sure it's not you doing it, in my somewhat bitter experience.