Would you allow your elderly parents to move in with you if

[Lardlizard]

They used their money to either build an annexe into your existing house

It used their money so you could buy a much larger house
Which would have. A separate annex

No. Me and my husband both work full time so wouldn't be around if their health declined. We wouldn't be able to give up work. I applaud anyone who does look after their elderly parents personal care etc but no, not happening. Know your limitations. I have a sibling who is the Golden Child, he can deal with it when the time comes.

Absolutely not, I love my parents but having personal space and an opportunity to be alone is important for me.

That said @BostonCalling I am appalled by your comment, which is not only imposing your personal opinion on other people, but is also blatantly sexist. I hope other posters report it as well.

..."In these cultures dc have a responsibility for the care of their elderly parents", except @BostonCalling, it is the female children you have allocated for this task. Why should 3 sisters have to care for a parent? Why not 3 brothers?

@Reedwarbler

Of course it shouldn’t just be female D.C. responsible for caring, but it does tend to be women that take on the brunt of caring responsibilities in families.

My grandma used to say you would need money in old age which was odd to me at the time as they couldn't spend it anywhere but when she became really old, she sold one of her houses and used it to pay for a full time carer who looked after her, took her out and became close. My parents and other family members used to also take her out which was then a bonus but now I understand why you would need money when you are old. Save,save and save otherwise you would be like a ping pong ball of who is going to take care of you next. I love my parents but it's really difficult to take care of someone as you need to give up a lot of things.

You could set up whatever rules you like - doesn't mean they will last.

And yes as someone has suggested if you pool your money to move in together (annex or otherwise) and then your parent(s) need to go into care you can be told you have to sell the house to recover their share of the money. Even if this makes you homeless.

So you could have a situation where say 3 sisters and a SIL agree to care for an elderly parent, each doing one or two days per week.

This assumes a family of at least 4 siblings, which is usually considered an abnormally large family in this country. Are you saying we should drastically increase our childbirth rates to allow for this?

It also makes "get on your bike" in a period of recession a bit difficult, doesn't it? So presumably more families would end up living off benefits: you can hardly split granny in four when jobs dry up in one end of the country.

The other issue is that most people in the UK do not go into care homes until they need very specialised care, either because of dementia or because of severe physical disability and by this time, your average English house is not dimensioned for their needs anyway. I live in a standard Edwardian semi and there is no way you could have got the hoist required to wipe my MILs bottom fitted into any of the rooms, nor a stairlift big enough for her body up the narrow staircase. She would have been confined to her bed, suffering increasingly from bedsores. Instead, her lovely nursing home not only allowed her to go to the toilet with some dignity, but also to go on excursions and sit in the garden.

If I had been caring at home for a parent with her condition, or with severe dementia, I could never have left them alone to pick up dc in an emergency or take them to a hospital appointment.

And this is before we consider what a lifetime of part-time work does for a woman's pension.

Mum yes, dad no

But in your example @BostonCalling why didn’t you say 3 sisters and a brother, why would the sister in law need to be involved? And what happens if all 3 sisters work FT what happens to the parent in working hours?

@ineedaholidaynow

Clearly it’s impossible to give a universal timetable that will work for everyone. Each family is different and will have different combinations of those working full and part time.

Any decision to take on caring responsibilities has to be about collaborating and balancing commitments- so if one sister doesn’t work, she could do more care than a brother who works part time for example.

What I would say is that i think caring for family will become a lot easier now because of more flexible working and working from home.

I would give it serious consideration. When my parents were younger many times they told me that no matter what they say when old should I feel they need it I should put them in a home and that they never want to be a burden to me. So they would probably not agree. I will be telling my children the same.

That's great @bostoncalling, if you have enough people prepared to put their life on hold. I note, it's still the females expected to do it. What happens if the couple have no children or an unmarried son?

When my DH WFM he shuts himself away in a room. I can’t see how well a Zoom meeting would go with a parent with dementia bursting into the room semi naked screaming that they need the loo, slightly different from when it is a toddler who does that.

I think it all depends on what money is left to have carers for them. I could not be a full time carer for my parents or my FIL. Maybe not even a part time one. I could do their shopping and check in on them. I could not cook all meals for them and wash them or take them to the toilet.

Not a chance in hell.

What I would say is that i think caring for family will become a lot easier now because of more flexible working and working from home.

Your employer is paying for you to work, not look after your relative.

No. Absolutely not. My mum is a nightmare - more so as she gets older. I'll never share a house with her again.

What I would say is that i think caring for family will become a lot easier now because of more flexible working and working from home.

If you're working from home, you should be working, not caring for elderly relatives

My parents would hate this idea and never ask. In any case I don't own a house and if I ever do it won't be big. Plus I will be working full time until retirement so won't be able to be a carer and having seen my nana when she had dementia, I wouldn't be able to cope with that anyway.

So basically, no. And I don't feel the slightest guilt about that.

What I would say is that i think caring for family will become a lot easier now because of more flexible working and working from home.

If you are working from home, you will be expected to present as professionally as if you were working in an office, so no responding to plaintive calls from an ageing parent while on Zoom meetings or taking a call from clients- indeed, you'd have to arrange sound-proofing so those cries are not heard at all (which also means your parent is not safe) and you'd have to make sure your dementia-suffering parent can't suddenly wander into the room.

If caring for a parent who cannot safely be left (which is usually the situation where people start looking at nursing homes), then you also cannot leave the house for your own medical appointments, dental appointments, a child's trip to A &E or anything else you would normally take time off work for. Caring in the home for an incapacitated parent means no time off.

Just hopping on to say thanks for the reports about our visitor from Boston. No prizes for guessing he was a previously banned poster.

We've shown him on his way, but we'll leave his posts up, partly because so many people have quoted/disputed them anyway, and partly for the comedy value.

Cheers

So sad how so many people view their parents.

@damnthatanxiety

So sad how so many people view their parents.

Can you expand on that? It's all sad people have the correct realisation their parent needs appropriate 24 hr professional care?

So sad how so many people view their parents.

You mean, not wanting them to die from infected bedsores? Yeah, people are funny that way.

I am very aware that the only reason my MIL could afford the nursing home that gave her a decent quality of life for the last 7 years was because she had not sunk her money into a shared home that she would have had to make us homeless from to pay for her care.

My parents do actually share a 2-family house with my db, but that is because he was wealthy enough to buy them out (and has, in fact, done so).

So sad how so many people view their parents.

Some people view their parents badly for very good reasons.

I get on really well with my parents, but they would absolutely do my head in if we lived together! Actually they suggested it some years ago, that we could buy a big house together. When we said 'Ummm... no thanks', they tried asking dsis, who said exactly the same!