Would you allow your elderly parents to move in with you if

[Lardlizard]

They used their money to either build an annexe into your existing house

It used their money so you could buy a much larger house
Which would have. A separate annex

I couldn't. And I feel selfish and ashamed because of that. But it would finish me completely.

I think we should be more like Asian cultures where parents and grandparents move in with their DC and live in multigenerational households.

This would solve the social care crisis and avoid elderly parents being abandoned in care homes.

In many cultures, it is simply expected that the women of the family take on caring responsibilities for the elderly- this would be a great idea here.

I assume you are a man @BostonCalling

If I could get a decent house with an annexe with its front door, or one which had a big enough garden to have a large garden studio with its own shower and loo, yes.

I'd be happy having my mum around (my dad is dead) as long as she had her own front door and wasn't sharing my kitchen and bathroom. She wouldn't like it, either. But she would be happy to be "on site" as it were and do her own thing, but know we were nearby to help out eg with a lift to medical appointments.

I did think of getting my mum to stay with us during lockdown but our house is too small and she needs a warm house, and we had problems with our heating as lockdown started.

This would solve the social care crisis and avoid elderly parents being abandoned in care homes

People are in care homes because they need care which their families can't provide. There is a big difference between doing shops and giving lifts to medical appointments, and wiping peoples' bottoms for them.

Many people can’t care for people with advanced dementia at home

No, @BostonCalling this wouldn't solve a social care crisis. It would create a care at home crisis. Largely felt by women. Are you a male MP?

Anyone here who knows someone with dementia..if they live alone they are not liable for council tax if they own their own home.

You aren’t told this.

I found out purely by accident. You can claim it back retrospectively for up to 6 years. They should be eligible for attendance allowance, even if you didn’t know about that and have never claimed it as long as they tick the boxes that’s fine and they must have a gps / consultants diagNo sis of dementia.
I got about £2.5k back after mum died and told my cousin as my aunt is still alive and she got £8k.

If the person with dementia is in a couple , so mum and dad for example then they are eligible for a council tax reduction and should be taxed as a single person occupancy. In other words the person with dementia does not count in determining how much tax they have to pay.

Hope it helps someone.
I only found out from a saga magazine, that was left behind in a pub.

@BostonCalling

I think we should be more like Asian cultures where parents and grandparents move in with their DC and live in multigenerational households.

This would solve the social care crisis and avoid elderly parents being abandoned in care homes.

In many cultures, it is simply expected that the women of the family take on caring responsibilities for the elderly- this would be a great idea here.

@BostonCalling why do you think someone being in a safe, appropriate environment for their 24 HR care needs is abandonment? Esp at a cost of £1k+ a week!

@BostonCalling

I think we should be more like Asian cultures where parents and grandparents move in with their DC and live in multigenerational households.

This would solve the social care crisis and avoid elderly parents being abandoned in care homes.

In many cultures, it is simply expected that the women of the family take on caring responsibilities for the elderly- this would be a great idea here.

Sure, it will just create a problem with female poverty as women will stop working and can’t pay into their pension.

Then a marriage breaks down and hell breaks out.

The last thing I want in my old age is my DD sacrificing her life to help me. Not everyone is abandon in a care home, lots are very good and encourage independence until illness takes it away. At that stage most families aren’t equipped to care for elderly parents anymore anyway.

Unless you lived in such a scenario or seen your parents struggle with that I would say keep such advise to yourself.

No. No. And no again.

What happens if women work, how can they do the caring too?

My mum was a horrifically abusive drunk (dad died when I was a teen). Dh's parents are also poisonous drunks. I wouldn't.

@BostonCalling that's a stupid idea and would lead to much greater inequality between the sexes as well as female poverty.

No. No way. Never.

We were going to do this with my grandma. But she died before it could happen. Which I suspect she would have been glad about.

I am 76 and dh is 84 so we have had this discussion. As long as we are both alive we will cope paying for care if needed. When one of us dies it will be different. We don’t have any joint dc but our dc have said that if it came to it his son and wife will look after dh and my dd and sil will have me. My lovely sil discussed this with me about 10 years ago.
However should I be very much in need of personal care I will plan suicide rather than go into a care home or be a burden to my family.

@BostonCalling

I think we should be more like Asian cultures where parents and grandparents move in with their DC and live in multigenerational households.

This would solve the social care crisis and avoid elderly parents being abandoned in care homes.

In many cultures, it is simply expected that the women of the family take on caring responsibilities for the elderly- this would be a great idea here.

It's an absolutely bloody shocking idea!!

Have any of the people saying yes they would ever cared for a person with dementia?
It’s not just helping out for a bit, or even a few hours a day, it’s literally 24/7 as they don’t often sleep at nighttime. It’s literally like caring for a newborn baby except they are bigger and often aggressive.
So yes if your parents are in their 70’s and just need a bit of support it might seem a good idea. In their 80’s with dementia it’s a living nightmare. There is no social care help if they are living with an able bodied person.

In many cultures, it is simply expected that the women of the family take on caring responsibilities for the elderly- this would be a great idea here.

You mean a great idea in order to thwart women's independence and keep them financially dependent on men, I presume? Because if you can't work due to caring responsibilities, then you are reliant on someone else and have no money to pay into a pension. And then the elderly parent dies and you are nearing retirement age yourself and trying to find work when you have been out of the jobs market for years. And then you retire and are widowed and live your life out in poverty because most of your income disappeared with your husband and meanwhile people tut and talk about their selfish elderly mother/aunt who was too lazy to plan financially for her retirement and can't afford to pay for her own care.

@tearinyourhand

No one is saying that women have to quit work altogether. In many Asian families, women work part time and share responsibility for elderly care.

So you could have a situation where say 3 sisters and a SIL agree to care for an elderly parent, each doing one or two days per week.

The difference is that in these cultures, DC have a responsibility for the care of their elderly DParents rather than abandoning them in care homes alone.

I was deleting WhatsApps off my phone this morning and there were conversations that went back a couple of years to when I was nursing my terminally ill father along with my sisters. It was horrific. Hundreds of messages where we were worried because he was confused, had tried to escape, hadn't taken his medicine, had hidden his oxygen tank because he didn't want to use it etc. Middle of the night messages asking who could get up and drive to their house because he had fallen. Reading it in the cold light of day was very sobering because I didn't realise the strain we were under when we were actually doing it.

I'm glad we did it, but it's not just making the odd cup of tea and throwing a few clothes in the washing machine. We were dealing with a six foot tall man who was doubly incontinent and not strong enough to stand up. It was horrific, for him and for us.

Why does it have to be the women doing the caring?

100% yes. I'd let them move in even without an annex but we'd be very cramped.

However, I don't think DH would be as onboard as I would be, same if it were his parents, I think I'd be a lot more hesitant.

That said, I love my parents and my PIL and I wouldn't see them struggle if I could help

[quote BostonCalling]@tearinyourhand

No one is saying that women have to quit work altogether. In many Asian families, women work part time and share responsibility for elderly care.

So you could have a situation where say 3 sisters and a SIL agree to care for an elderly parent, each doing one or two days per week.

The difference is that in these cultures, DC have a responsibility for the care of their elderly DParents rather than abandoning them in care homes alone.[/quote]
Abandoning in a care home is very emotive language. You're only abandoned if no one ever visits.

Also, you haven't actually answered my question as to how women are meant to provide for their own retirement if they are only working for a couple of days a week.

I've done the caring. I've taken a hit financially. I know first hand that my long term future has been compromised by the sacrifices I have made.