I don't like my daughter

[Noodlepopps]

Ok, so posting here for traffic. I have 2 daughters, aged 2 and 4. I adore my 2 yr old and I strongly dislike my 4 yr old. She's awful to me, never listens, hits me, throws things, cries and screams constantly, pushes her sister over, she's even told me she wants me to die so I never come back. I am inconsistent with how I deal with her, I've tried ignoring her, being calm, holding her, naughty step, sending her to bed, taking toys away. But a lot of the time I end up shouting at her, which I know is wrong but I get to the point of frustration that I can't take it anymore. I would never hurt her. I've said some horrible things to her though and I go to bed and cry my eyes out because I know I'm ruining my future relationship with her and I think things are verging on verbal abuse. I've spoken to my HV, she comes out to see us every few weeks but she just says I'm 'doing a good job' and I need to focus on myself a bit more. My husband works away and he comes home every few weeks for a week at a time. I'm getting to the point where I don't think I want my 4 yr old anymore, as awful as that sounds. I can't cope with her behaviour, I can't cope with my emotions (I have possible, undiagnosed PTSD). I don't know what to do. Nobody knows how I feel or how difficult things are apart from my husband who is amazing, but can't be here all the time. If anyone has any advice, I would be so grateful.

Look up Positive Parenting
Spend at least 10 mins a day doing a lovely activity (mindful colouring, playing with toys, going for a walk, playing a game) with your child no matter their behaviour to build up your relationship
Go overboard on praise and ignore unwanted behaviour
Reward charts etc
She will pick up on your dislike and act accordingly so try to build up positive experiences
Take some time for yourself- you can’t pour from an empty cup

I don't really have an awful lot of advice but didnt want to read and run.

OP, it must be very tough for you at the moment. I understand to an extent as I have 3 and went through stints of my husband working away. It is really bloody hard being the sole carer ALL. THE. TIME. Life feels like a constant battle.

You are not a bad mum, you're just struggling through a really difficult time.

Lockdown has been horrible, in so many ways. Trapped indoors with not much to do, no break from eachother. Is your 4 year old starting school soon? I think things will get a lot easier for you once she's at school.

Hang in there!

I have no real advice but I know you will get lots on here.
It is a really brave thing to admit and I think recognising it early stands you in great stread to improve things.
Could she have felt put out when younger sibling was born?

Oh my goodness. OK, you realise you’re doing things which will screw her up and that’s good because you can now change it. Go back to your doctor and make them take the PTSD seriously. Your health visitor isn’t taking this seriously but you must. Your DD1 must have people who love her around her for her to thrive. You’re not doing well and your DH is absent. Who else is there? Grandparents? Can you find her a loving childminder? She needs support and encouragement from someone. And psychotherapy for you. Find the money if you possibly can.

Show this to the HV, or write it down. She needs to take this more seriously.

Look up hand in hand parenting.

What help can you get for your PTSD? I'm sorry that's hard for you.

Don't allow yourself excuses for abusing your daughter through your words and actions. As the adult, you need to find a way to manage your emotions. When you feel the words coming, or your anger rising, imagine you were being filmed for a documentary. What would you do/say if others are watching? You need zero tolerance for you using harmful words etc

Take out some photos from when your DD was a newborn. If you knew then how you would be treating her now, what would you do to change things?

Remember, she is little more than a baby. Her words and actions don't have the intent that an adult's do. She is testing the world and learning where she fits.

Spend some time focussing on your daughter, playing with her, reading, bathing or watching tv. She may act up at first, be ready for that, but the positive attention will pay off.

Well done for taking action.

@chocolatespiders yes her behaviour got worse when DD2 came along, but I've tried so hard to make sure they have the same attention and love etc but recently it's almost impossible. I also find that I'm talking to DD1 as if she's about 10yrs old sometimes. Because she's the older sister I seem to expect too much of her. I have to constantly remind myself that she's only 4.

OP you sound exhausted. Parenting is increasingly hard and no-one gets it right all (or even most) of the time.

I didn't like my son when he was 4. It was the hardest parenting year and yes I said things that I would never say normally.

I used to spend a lot of time at the library and local woods just being out made it easier. Plus clubs, activities where I could get a break. Without that it would have been so tough. Lockdown has made everything harder.

Focus on the good, no matter how small, that you appreciate in her. And build from there.

School will start soon so you will get some more space.

(My son is now 14, love him to pieces and like him too. It was just a very tough stage)

That sounds really tough for both of you. It’s good that the HV is aware and is keeping an eye on how things are coming along - I’d listen to her when she says that you need to take some time for yourself and are doing a good job.

Children thrive generally in a consistent, secure relationship with their primary caregiver that both are finding mutually enjoyable. She will obviously be picking up on the fact that you’re not happy (in yourself and with her) and that will make her unsettled and more likely to ‘act up’ - hitting, kicking, screaming. She’s almost recreating the behaviour she sees in you when you say horrible things to her?

What was your relationship with her like before her little sister came along? It can be tough for everyone to adapt when the new baby arrives in the household.

Does your eldest go to nursery? How does she behave there?

The Philippa Perry book on parenting might be a useful read. It’s great on focusing on building good relationships.

Tell us about some of the good times you have with her. Looking at that might help to figure out how to rebalance it.

She is FOUR YEARS OLD...you are the responsible adult.

For the sake of your kid and your own seek help from a charity/counsellor/GP.

Your daughter is probably aware that you prefer her sibling and don't really like her, which is only going to make her angrier and you responding with anger is only going to make her act up even more.

Where is your partner in all this? work is fine but when you have kids you also need to be here to care for them.

Seriously, seek help or you are going to screw up this little girl...a 4 year old deserves better than this from both her parents.

I really recommend a book called ‘Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting’ it is all about applying the positive parenting approach. The changes can happen very quickly if you are consistent.

But it does sound like you should see GP too and look after yourself.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers she's absolutely perfect at nursery, they look at me like I'm a lunatic when I tell them about how she can be at home.

I agree with Eeyorehoney, maybe try and say lots of affirming things such as “I’m glad you’re my daughter”, “I like getting time to play with you” etc even if you don’t feel it. So you’re building her up. It sounds like you’re in a negative cycle with her, and she’s picking up on it and feeling like she’s always wrong. She’s trying to get attention and love and is seeking out negative attention at the moment. I’ve been in a similar negative cycle and found my ds kept acting up more and more, as though he was living up to my expectations that he’d be difficult and naughty. But it helped if I started off the day sounding enthusiastic even if I didn’t feel like it - “I’m so glad I get to spend the day with you! Will we go to the park? I want to watch you go down the slide really fast again!” Lots of positivity and getting the mood and tone right. Negative self talk can be detrimental here, like if you’re always telling yourself that the child is difficult and that you’re being rubbish (although I totally understand sharing your problems here and I’m not saying you shouldn’t be open about your struggles of course!) but what I mean is, try and change the self talk to “my child is going through a difficult phase but she won’t always be like this” and maybe think of 2-3 positive things about her and repeat them in your mind. Also be positive about yourself as a mother. To have two children under 4 is difficult and challenging and draining at the best of times. And I found 4 a very challenging age with my dd. She had the worst tantrums and was constantly difficult. I was so tired and felt like I was failing. Things got easier when she got a little older. It is a tough age and 2 is hard too.
It really doesn’t sound like your HV is very helpful unfortunately. She’s trying to make you feel better but she’s not really hearing you and is kind of denying your problems. But at the same time she probably recognises that it’s just tough with two young kids and she’ll be able to see that you’re a loving parent who’s trying to do her best. You wouldn’t be posting here otherwise. I hope you get all the support you need and maybe try and insist on more support somehow and perhaps tell the HV you’re feeling quite down.

There is specialist help in the UK for issues with parent/child attachment but demand outstrips supply. Try asking your GP and HV for a specialist service. If you cannot access one, the next best thing would be therapy for you to get to the bottom of why you struggle with your bond with this child and advice on how to improve your relationship. You can usually self refer (look up IAPT). If you can't find anything, can you afford private therapy? Psychodynamic psychotherapy can be life changing, but it tends not to be available on the NHS.

Try not to worry too much about what's been already. You were doing the best job you could. Try instead to think about from this moment on. As the adult it's your job to provide a safe space for your daughter, contain her emotions - show her she can throw anything at you and it won't phase you. That's not to say you need to be a punching bag. It's your job to accept her emotions in their crazy form - she doesnt know how to deal with them, digest and then regurgitate them back to her in an acceptable way. If you can do that at least 50% of the time then you'll be a "good enough" mother. This is the ideal we're all striving for. But no one is a saint. And there will be many things from your own past that get in the way of you being able to do this effectively - reasons why you reach for the shout approach rather than the calm approach. This is where seeing a therapist can help as they can help bring these factors into your awareness so you can try and recognise and avoid falling into their trap in the future. Good luck. And don't be so hard on yourself. And ignore the people here who seem outraged at your behaviour. Show me one person who says they haven't done similar from time to time and I'll show you a liar. You're a very brave and already in many ways self aware person to even post this message.

Try to look for things to praise her for. Even if they are tiny things "you were so good having your socks put on" even if she had a meltdown over every other item of clothing. "Well done for eating all your chicken nuggets, what a good eater you are!" Even when she's left all the broccoli.

Try and find ways to enjoy her company. Read, bake, paint, craft, play. She needs more of your attention not less. That's what she's asking for.

The way I see hitting/pushing/kicking is that is a child who needs physical contact. They are telling you what they need. Obviously discipline appropriately, but also take notice, and respond later with hugs, tickles, chasing games, lots of touch. A child who is shouting and screaming and stomping Their feet, often really need to sing and dance.

What are you doing to enable and nurture a healthy sibling relationship between your girls? We think they can work that stuff out themselves, but often they need some help to play well together. If they don't you end up with children becoming polarised from one another, one the good child being overly good for attention, the other being the bad child and being overly bad for attention. That is good for neither child, or for you.

You want to vary your time between their needs as individuals, and their needs as a pair. Try to do some activities with them individually, their "special time" with you. And also time where they need to work together, eg. making a birthday card for somebody together or building a Duplo tower with all the blocks.

It's easy to get frustrated and shout. But try not to take it personally and try not to react emotionally. Respond calmly, discipline appropriately, if your child gets a strong reaction good or bad they will repeat the Behavior. So if you really want them to not do it again, then try to de escalate the situation, not for it to become a bit of theatre.

Noodlepopps my DD was hard work, now 12 she is a beautiful human but at 4 she often nearly broke me. A diagnosis of ASC certainly made sense of everything but hey hindsight is a great thing. When I felt feelings of dislike for her I would bath with her, it was a reminder of how vunerable and "mine" she was. That time together was a perfect way to reconnect and those feelings of stress would dissipate. My tip aside from that as I appreciate that's a bit random is to offer her choices look up PDA and try those methods of parenting they worked miracles for us and things got a hell of a lot easier.

You need to get some perspective about what is and isn't age appropriate behaviour, and also need to make it clear that you are the parent and she is the child. She doesn't need a friend, she doesn't need you to like her per se, she needs you to make her feel safe and loved. She needs boundaries not a friend. With the right boundaries then she can hopefully find a friend and play mate in her sister. If you are struggling to know how to treat her treat her like the 2 year old. She is much closer to 2 years old than she is to being a grown up

Agree with @JadesRollerDisco
Children need to make connections with you. If they feel they’re not making ‘good’ connections, then they will make bad ones, because bad connections are better than no connections.
Connections need to be physical and verbal. A mixture of serious and playful ones are good.
so lots of cuddles, kisses, stroking hair, little bit of tickling and playful grabbing/swinging that kind of thing.
Connections are also verbal so yes to lots of praise, and ‘wow that’s an amazing picture’ ‘you’ve done that so well!’ ‘I love you so much’ ‘you’re the best 4 yr old in the entire universe!’ Etc etc

You need to get support. Can you afford to go private for therapy with your PTSD? You need to prioritise your mental health for the sake of your little family.

@JadesRollerDisco @missl1 thank you for taking the time to reply at length. I will read and re read your comments as they make so much sense to me.

I struggle to find the time to do things with her away from her sister, and I struggle to get out the house with both of them as the youngest hates going out since lockdown and the eldest usually runs away from me at any opportunity, so I usually look like THAT mum with the screaming, out of control kids.

Sounds like classic attention seeking. Having a younger brother or sister often triggers this kind of response in kids. She's looking for your attention in whatever way she can get it - even shouting or you screaming at her is getting your attention. Focus on her. Do some nice things together, just you two. Make it all about her. Have some time where it's just you and her. Echo re. positive parenting as well.

@CanIGetARefund thank you, I will definitely look into your suggestions. I could afford to go privately so I will see what's available in my area.