I don't like my daughter

[Noodlepopps]

Ok, so posting here for traffic. I have 2 daughters, aged 2 and 4. I adore my 2 yr old and I strongly dislike my 4 yr old. She's awful to me, never listens, hits me, throws things, cries and screams constantly, pushes her sister over, she's even told me she wants me to die so I never come back. I am inconsistent with how I deal with her, I've tried ignoring her, being calm, holding her, naughty step, sending her to bed, taking toys away. But a lot of the time I end up shouting at her, which I know is wrong but I get to the point of frustration that I can't take it anymore. I would never hurt her. I've said some horrible things to her though and I go to bed and cry my eyes out because I know I'm ruining my future relationship with her and I think things are verging on verbal abuse. I've spoken to my HV, she comes out to see us every few weeks but she just says I'm 'doing a good job' and I need to focus on myself a bit more. My husband works away and he comes home every few weeks for a week at a time. I'm getting to the point where I don't think I want my 4 yr old anymore, as awful as that sounds. I can't cope with her behaviour, I can't cope with my emotions (I have possible, undiagnosed PTSD). I don't know what to do. Nobody knows how I feel or how difficult things are apart from my husband who is amazing, but can't be here all the time. If anyone has any advice, I would be so grateful.

i am sure she needs extra attention op.
can someone take your youngest so the oldest can have your undivided attention,
quietly be with her, no forced activities, just quiet games. listen to her. praise her.
ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good.

Your husband needs to come home TODAY to take care of your children.
The fact that your little girl has no behavioural issues at nursery is actually worrying. How on earth have you allowed the situation to get so out of control? Posting here needs to be your wake up call. Your child is at risk of serious emotional and psycholigical damage because of your behaviour.
Send your husband a copy of your OP and get him home now.
Contact your GP on Monday and ask for a different health visitor.
I know this sounds harsh but she is a baby and you have NO right to treat her in this way. None.

I think you've done a very brave thing to admit to yourself how things have become, and to post here. Well done for reading the advice. I hope things improve soon.

Hey, I was like you. I then realised that at 4 they need your approval constantly but you are busy watching the 2 year old to really give both. It’s tough. You should tell Dh that when he is home you need to spend time with the bigger one, reinforcing your love etc. I am not going to say it gets easier but you then have time to really be with the older one. He isn’t going to understand that he isn’t the light of your life any more, you have two lamps now. Just didn’t want to read this and walk by.

the youngest hates going out and the oldest runs away,
classic attention seeking.

be light and cheery, even if you dont feel like it op.

Agree with everyone else. Behaviour is communication, and your daughter is commuicating her unhappiness.

You sound like you need help too. Your HV sounds useless, she isn't listening to you. Go to your GP for your own MH.

There may be parenting support, where you can get one to one support.

I totally agree with the suggestion of telling your eldest you love her and saying positive things about her. I have done this. IN fact I started when my eldest was a baby and screamed constantly, I didn't love him but I would hold him and sing to him that I did as he screamed. I feel it helped me to develop feelings for him.

I used it to when there was an incident with my eldest (who also has behavioural issues) which made me realise that he was deeply insecure about how I felt about him, and probably deeply conflicted in his own feelings about me. I really started to ratchet up telling him how much I loved him, and how I always loved him, no matter if he was sad or happy or angry or calm I always love him, and the same that no matter how I feel, whether I am happy or sad or angry or calm i always love him, and how much I liked being with him and spending time with him, lots of detailed positive comments about him. It really turned things around with him and with our relationship.

I think you need some help OP. This is an awful lot to deal with on your own, which is what you're doing most of the time.

I would definitely reach out to some of the agencies that PP's have suggested. It would also help if your husband was around more - is that possible? Could he do something where iisn't away so much? I appreciate that might not be a viable option but it's worth thinking about.

@Noodlepopps

We are nearly all THAT mum at one point or another. My kids seem to really enjoy pushing boundaries in public! We usually sing songs, play games like I spy, take regular breaks, give them opportunities to run a little bit ahead, to press the button at the crossing lights, little bits of responsibility. On bad days it's the bribe of a bag of sweets/chocolate, an ice cream at the park or their choice of TV when we get home. But I have definitely stood on the pavement with my child lying on the pavement refusing to move, or trying to run in the road, or run in the opposite direction, more times than I would like to admit to!

We are none of us perfect parents, I have days where I am just burnt out by parenting. I shout and cry and stamp my feet like a child and then get cross with my kids when they do the same. What I have found though, is that on those days when I think I just want to be left alone, connecting with my kids has a positive effect on me too. Just as my hugs calm them, their hugs calm me. I also put myself in time outs! I go take five minutes, take some deep breaths, and try and gain some perspective. Sometimes it's not just about parenting your child, but about parenting yourself in a way too. We tell our children that if they feel angry they need to walk away and calm down, well so do we. Mostly I find I'm upset something has got broken or someone has got hurt, and recognising my feelings and separating them from disciplining my child, means that I don't feel the need to shout at all. I used to feel like all I did was shout and my kids were so naughty and horrible. Now I feel that they are lovely wonderful little humans, who need help to learn how to communicate and regulate their needs, wants and emotions better. I am in the role of parent/teacher/nurturer not jailer/judge/jury

I remember my DD1 being particularly difficult at 4. Same age difference.
I agree about giving her one to one time. And finding another adult to be in her life. Can she go on weekend visits to grandparents or similar? A break for you too.

@Dominicgoings yes excellent advice! We will all be much happier when we're homeless because we can't pay the mortgage and we have no money to eat because DH had to leave his job

Dominicgoings - seriously? Did you really think that advice was in any way helpful?

[quote Noodlepopps]@Dominicgoings yes excellent advice! We will all be much happier when we're homeless because we can't pay the mortgage and we have no money to eat because DH had to leave his job [/quote]
By your own admission you are verbally abusing your child. No one is suggesting he quits and you’re but someone needs to step up and protect this little girl, immediately. Does he know what’s going on? What do you think he would think/say if he saw this going on?

No I don't believe sending her away would be beneficial, she needs more time with you rather than less, more positive calm time, listen to her

• seriously? Did you really think that advice was in any way helpful?

When a parent admits that their behaviour towards a four year old ‘verges’ on abuse?
Absolutely. The OPs husband needs to know how serious and potentially dangerous the situation is.

[quote Noodlepopps]**@JadesRollerDisco* @missl1* thank you for taking the time to reply at length. I will read and re read your comments as they make so much sense to me.

I struggle to find the time to do things with her away from her sister, and I struggle to get out the house with both of them as the youngest hates going out since lockdown and the eldest usually runs away from me at any opportunity, so I usually look like THAT mum with the screaming, out of control kids. [/quote]
Do you have any family/mum friends about?

How long have you felt like this with her? Has your relationship always been tricky? (I sympathise, I had a 'difficult' child. We have a very close adult relationship now)

Please get your GP to take your PTSD and attachment difficulties seriously. You can get help and you can fix this.

@Dominicgoings have you even read the OP?? I very obviously know that what I'm doing is not ok. Reassurance that others have experienced similar is welcome though. Practical advise is also welcome. I'm very grateful for all the advise on this post. You, however, are not one of the helpful ones.

Obviously your dh can't just drop everything and leave his job, and I appreciate that we're pretty much in the middle of the worst set of circumstances for him to change jobs, but might there be scope for that in the future? It doesn't help you today, but is there other work he could start looking for which meant he'd be doing a normal 9-5 from home? My dp used to have a job which required us to move country every few years and after our first baby came along I put my foot down and he changed careers. It was sad for him because he'd worked hard to get into that career, but I'd made lots of career sacrifices myself (like giving mine up entirely) so he understood that it was a reasonable sacrifice to improve our family life. Would your dh be open to that kind of conversation? Sounds like you and your children could really benefit from a more active second parent around.

Consistency in everything for both kids. How you act, react, bedtime routine, meal times. Both need attention. Take both to the playground. Play at home, painting, colouring in etc. Take time out to read bedtime stories. Make both feel special. Watch super nanny with Jo frost ones in US are on E4.

What was it like with her before your DD2 was born? Do you have happy memories to draw upon from those times? Could you spend some with her looking at photos etc. of when DD1 was born and how excited you were, how happy etc. I know my two love (even now) hearing about how much they were wanted and loved. It might help you both.

@Dominicgoings when a parent posts and admits they’re having difficulties and have become aware of them, they are seeking help and support to change things.
That’s what most posters are trying to do.

This sounds terrible but at least you recognize what is happening and want it to change.

I think you need to keep going back to the Doctors and your HV until they listen.

Have you any relative who could move in and help you. My Mum would have if I had been in your situation. How old are you?

Can you put your 2-year-old in nursery or with a childminder sometimes so you can focus 100% on DD1?

The problem is that her challenging behaviour is all to get your attention, and love, but when she behaves that way you can’t give her what she needs because it’s triggering you so you ignore/send her away/punish/take away toys.

You need to love bomb her instead, but I appreciate when single-parenting 2 preschool children that is extremely hard to do.

She loves you and you love her. This stage with a 4 year old and a 2 year old was one of the hardest I think. School will start soon, and if you can make time just for her as much as possible- and give yourself breathing space too by looking for a childminder for DD2 for a little while - then things will improve.

@Dominicgoings - your advice is unhelpful because OP already knows that her behaviour is completely unacceptable and is looking for support and help and signposting from other mothers.

I have a friend who is a child psychologist (works in NHS) and she says that the most important thing is for parents for feel confident in their ability as parents. Telling someone they are shit and incapable, as you are doing, is damaging. Congratulating someone for the insight they have shown and reaching out for help is constructive.
My psychologist friend has never made me feel useless or judged. She has offered extremely helpful advice and I have been able to hear that and take it on board as the way she talks to me makes me open to hearing what she has to say, and more importantly, makes me feel able to keep talking as I know I am not being judged but supported.

Having a good and supportive relationship with an adult is very important. It's not vital that it's the mother. I'm a single mother and I've made a big effort to enable relationships between my children and other caring adults. My DCs don't have any grandparents. I've put effort into filling that gap with other adults who care about them. They have holidays with those adults. If we're not getting on, they have other people they can talk to, other adults who appreciate them. I really recommend that in the OP's circumstances. Don't expect to get any practical help from the state, and involving social services is likely to add extra pressure.