I don't like my daughter

[Noodlepopps]

Ok, so posting here for traffic. I have 2 daughters, aged 2 and 4. I adore my 2 yr old and I strongly dislike my 4 yr old. She's awful to me, never listens, hits me, throws things, cries and screams constantly, pushes her sister over, she's even told me she wants me to die so I never come back. I am inconsistent with how I deal with her, I've tried ignoring her, being calm, holding her, naughty step, sending her to bed, taking toys away. But a lot of the time I end up shouting at her, which I know is wrong but I get to the point of frustration that I can't take it anymore. I would never hurt her. I've said some horrible things to her though and I go to bed and cry my eyes out because I know I'm ruining my future relationship with her and I think things are verging on verbal abuse. I've spoken to my HV, she comes out to see us every few weeks but she just says I'm 'doing a good job' and I need to focus on myself a bit more. My husband works away and he comes home every few weeks for a week at a time. I'm getting to the point where I don't think I want my 4 yr old anymore, as awful as that sounds. I can't cope with her behaviour, I can't cope with my emotions (I have possible, undiagnosed PTSD). I don't know what to do. Nobody knows how I feel or how difficult things are apart from my husband who is amazing, but can't be here all the time. If anyone has any advice, I would be so grateful.

Op it's been asked a few times but what does your DH think and does he know how bad you feel?

the youngest hates going out since lockdown and the eldest usually runs away from me at any opportunity buggy and reins?

Firstly, truly abusive, toxic parents often are oblivious to their behaviour

Not in all cases. Some of the most toxic, dangerous parents are capable of paying lip service to their problems - they manipulate SS into believing that they have insight, and all is well. Peter Connelly's mother was a classic example. But what they do in practice is to repackage their problems as being someone else's. That's why labelling a child with a diagnosis needs to be challenged (though I accept that the OP is saying that she does not intend to do that).

What is great about the OP is that, on an anonymous forum, where she gains nothing from being truthful, she is being honest about how bad things are. As long as she seeks help, she can turn this round.

I'm a bit overwhelmed at all the advice I've received on this thread! I really didn't expect so much. I need to sit and read and re read it all and write it all down to see what I think will work best for us. I've started to make changes today, and have had a few positive interactions with DD1. I've got in touch with someone who will have DD2 for 1 day per week and I've made a list with DD1 of all the places she wants to go for her 'Mummy & Me' days.

Do I think I'm an abusive mother? No I don't. I think I had the potential to spiral out of control though, but thanks to a bunch of strangers on the internet, I feel like I have a lot of options now.

Is DH an amazing father? Not really. He's a workaholic. He was a workaholic when I met him and he still is now. I won't change him and I won't try. He knows I'm struggling and he gives me as much advise and support as he can. We FaceTime him 2/3 times a day. He's as present as he can be at the moment.

Thank you again for all the support ❤️

Well done, OP . Let us know how it goes.

So long as you are positive, consistent and affectionate, that should go a long way towards addressing your issues with DD1. Great that she'll be having some one-on-one time with you so that she feels like she matters too.

So happy for you OP, the first steps are often the hardest, as is being honest with ourselves about when it's all getting too much. It sounds like a great plan.

Good luck, OP! Just take it one step at a time. Be kind to yourself.

Don't forget to put some self care on the list, too, please. That's essential. Oxygen mask on you first, so you can help your kids.

Amazing to read OP... Well done on taking that first important step. Things can only get better now. We can all remember a pint that things could spiral the wrong way.
Strangers are often the best people to ask and there has been some great suggestions on this thread.

Almost a shame it is in chat so it will disappear as I am sure people would find it useful for years to come.

All the very best and keep going with the little steps.

Good luck

Aaah OP, I have two daughters with the same age gap, and especially when my husband was working away there were times when it was incredibly, grindingly hard. I look back and know that my older daughter seemed so much bigger and older than my little one, that I expected too much from her at times.
I have had an easier time with each at different stages, and what I have learned is that love is behaviour rather than feelings. When you are exhausted, trying to juggle the care for two different, very small children, at time you just have to act in a loving way and tell yourself that they will be asleep soon !. Children can be really annoying. A constantly misbehaving child is hard to like. You have to find positive things or it becomes a horrible feedback loop of bad behaviour. You have to be affectionate even when you are being firm about naughtiness. It took me a really long time to learn this. I have teenagers now, and I am better at it than I used to be and much less shouty. I was completely exhausted when they were little, and that was a big part of it. I did have a short fuse, by about six in the evening I had just had enough. I also had no family around, or any friends as we had relocated. I would have been a different person if I had been lucky enough to have my Mum nearby, fit and well and happy to bake a cake with a small child for an hour.
Apologise if you do respond to things in an over the top way. Explain. Do things with each child alone, when your DH is at home. Remember that this is a stage and will change, that at some point your younger child will be the more difficult one. Tell yourself that your daughter is very small and loves you very much but feels angry. It is really common for the older child to start to play up when the smaller one becomes more of a person, talking etc. As then they feel more of a threat.
Like a pp I would give myself time out, count to ten etc. Even a very short walk into another room can be enough.

Humans are designed to live in extended family groups and small communities. Child care is much harder when you don’t have family around to take the heat out of a difficult time.

I did find that getting out of the house kept me sane. Just getting them both ready to go out was hell, but being outside, seeing them running around or splashing in puddles, that was nice.

I found filming my child and watching it later, reminded me how tiny they really were. When you are up against a big personality it can be hard to see it, while feeling cross and frustrated, but when you see this very small child at a distance, it puts it in perspective. i found it amazingly helpful actually.

Speaking to my children on the phone has that effect, SirVix. I think of them as so big and then hear this tiny baby voice. It's bewildering!

Yes , the distance somehow gives a clearer view.

Watch her while she’s sleeping for 10 minutes a day, and do nothing else. No phone, etc. She’s an innocent child, which you obviously know, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of this. Hope it gets better for you. These are difficult years.

@Eeyorehoney

Look up Positive Parenting Spend at least 10 mins a day doing a lovely activity (mindful colouring, playing with toys, going for a walk, playing a game) with your child no matter their behaviour to build up your relationship Go overboard on praise and ignore unwanted behaviour Reward charts etc She will pick up on your dislike and act accordingly so try to build up positive experiences Take some time for yourself- you can’t pour from an empty cup

What she said.

Your child is having to deal with sharing you. You need time together to make her feel special

I clicked on thinking you were going to talk about a teenager, I work with teenagers so was going to give you advice. I cannot believe you are feeling this way about a 4 year old!

I’m not going to make you feel worse so I’m going to try and help you. I have a 5 year old daughter so a little older than yours.

Firstly where is she learning this language of “hope you die and don’t come back”? Are you by any chance saying this to her? If so please stop. Think about it in your head but never repeat these things to her

Secondly I know it sounds difficult but when she’s having a meltdown just give her a hug and hold her and shush her. Believe me I’ve been through moments with my 5 year old that last thing I want to do is hug her! She would constantly tell me that grandma (MIL) is better than me in everything - cooking, doing her hair etc. I would just say “yes darling some things grandma is good at and some things mummy is better than”. I’d Get her to think of some.

My youngest is crying so have to dash off but I will come back and write more things that have helped me! Forget past n concentrate on now

@Alison421e No I have not told my daughter I want her to die and never come back! She has had to learn about and deal with death at a very young age unfortunately, therefore she knows that when someone dies they don't come back.

Sorry to hear this @Noodlepopps.

I’m sorry if I came across harsh. I also suffer from PTSD, honestly cbt didn’t help BUT might for you. For me body keeps score book helped and edmr videos on YouTube. I suffered really badly for first few years and used to fantasise packing my daughters bags and leaving her with MIL. I didn’t go back to work when she was born so it was hard having no routine I found. Things are so much better now as I don’t take her little tantrums to heart. She still hurts me with her comments that grandma is nicer than you and I wish she was my mummy. It wouldn’t upset me if I wasn’t so insecure that I’m doing a rubbish job as a mum.

It takes practice and you obviously want things to change otherwise wouldn’t be posting here. Start fresh today. What 3 things will make u both happy? Maybe water balloons outside? Blowing bubbles, hide and seek etc

OP, I am so glad that you have, quite rightly, defended yourself at times on this thread. However, I fear that you probably don't defend yourself to your own internal criticism, which is probably harsher than that of some of the posters here. It might be worth trying to catch yourself when you tell yourself negative things, imagine that someone else has said them to you and the defend yourself. Perhaps write some of the things down that you tell yourself each day and then write down your 'defense'. A really good book( and I rarely recommend books) is The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr R Burns. It's a practical easy to follow book with some written exercises to work through. It is CBT based and is used by the NHS and The Priory. It's a sort of DIY CBT home learning book with mini sessions in it. It's really good for tackling negative thoughts and makes the connections between what we think and how we feel. It's very simple and straightforward to follow.

Op I struggled massively with both of mine age 4!the age of no reason, hard to please etc.
Be kind to yourself.
It's gruelling with a more challenging child.
But break throughs do happen.
Hang on in there.
Some great tips here and I'm going to use some on my older dc!! 8 year old.

And... I think a 2 year old and 4 year old would have pushed me to the very edge.
I have larger age gap.

Firstly where is she learning this language of “hope you die and don’t come back”? Are you by any chance saying this to her

Do you know many small children, Alison? It is totally the kind of thing a normal 5yo will come up with. Along with "I hope the lions eat you" and "I'm going to find me a better mummy".

How many of us packed our bags as dc to leave? I know I did a few times!!

Op I've not ploughed through. You'll get there.

Read 'Conscious Parenting' by Shefali Tsabary.
Watch her you tube clips.

Sending you hugs OP. It’s hard when you’re on your knees trying work through to a situation you never thought you’d be in. You’ve done a great thing by acknowledging it, asking for advice and taking notes from the varied responses.

I’ve got three boys. 2.4 years between the oldest and middle, 20 months between middle and youngest.
My husband loves our children, and me, very much but found the intensity of a (now diagnosed asd &adhd) first born hard and we thought we’d been given a pass with such a easy(ish) second baby!!

My now almost 7 year old middle son was ok up until he reached 2/2.5yo and my youngest could climb and walk. He changed in to a rigid, angry, very physical little boy. Maybe it showed in little ways when he was a baby, I don’t know. All I know is that he is chalk and cheese to his older sibling who never lashed out or raged.

I’ve done Parent Gym, Incredible Years (provided by CAMHS), 1-1 Theraplay and ds2 has had group Theraplay.

‘Lovebombing with firm boundaries’ is my middle name. It’s had limited success, every time we think his behaviours have reduced they morph: going from pushing tiny 9 month old over to giving now 5 year old a proper kick(ing) because he irritated him/in his space. We’re now on the waiting list for assessment. Sometimes they grow out of it, respond amazingly to some different structured boundaries and intense 1-1, and sometimes they don’t. Giving the suggestions a go mean that you’re armed with the knowledge that you have ticked all the ‘improve things/trying to sort it out/fix it’ boxes and can show (more) professionals if you go that route.