My life is completely fucked

[Blanketyblanket]

And I’m at the stage now that I’m just giggling at the entire ridiculousness of it all. So far this year

• my marriage has broken down, I have become a single mum and stbxh is showing no interest in the kids that he asked me to destroy my career to raise
• I have found out stbxh has spent a 5 figure sum on prostitutes during the last 3 years but has also been earning 5 times what he told me he was
• stbxh has installed either spyware on my phone or spy cams in the house as he is aware that I slept with someone a couple of nights ago
• the man I slept with a couple of nights ago (who has been lovely to me for months despite me making it very clear I wasn’t after a relationship) blocked me about an hour after sleeping with me
• my children have gone completely feral during the last 5 months of school
• I have found out today that I have more abnormal cells on my cervix despite having half of it burnt off a few weeks ago
• it’s dc1’s birthday on Friday and I’ve got him hardly anything and don’t have time to get him anything without him also being there
• my best friend has post party’s psychosis and has been sectioned as she was threatening to mill herself. She is convinced her family want her dead as they were the ones who requested the assessment that resulted in her being sectioned so I am the only person she wants to communicate with
• my dm kindly took the kids for an hour this morning so I could have a swim and clear my head and I got bitten by a cunting seal

I don’t know what to do. I’m drinking gin at my kitchen table right now and alternating between giggling at the complete wreckage of my life and sobbing.

@Blanketyblanket yes, and it’s bloody scary when it all comes out at once!

Not that I want to be that kind of irritating inspiring person, but I went on tinder for a shag after XH left and ended up meeting my now DP totally by accident as it was not what was meant to happen!

I’ve just finished Schitts Creek - def watch it. Very good ending, and it made me laugh.

I also like that each episode is short - attention span of a gnat but I will sit and watch 4 or 5 at a time because they’re short. Yes I know. Go figure 🤷‍♀️

Love Schitts Creek and that’s where I got my name change lol. I think Shag Guy sounds pretty decent and wanted you to know he wasn’t ignoring you but he also has someone now.

There's some brilliant comedy around at the moment. The Other One, Frayed and if you have Netflix a world of highly un PC ones like trailer park boys and it's always sunny in Philadelphia (Danny devito as you have never seen him before). Anything with Julia Davies for sheer . One Will Farrell has been involved with Eastbound and Down. Step Brothers (film).

A new one called Mandy from philomena Clunk comedienne. Nothing featuring seals getting their just desserts sadly.

I bet you wished you had gone shopping for birthday presents instead of swimming! You'd have two less problems. Not helpful now I know.Your divorce sounds like a blessed relief! What a bag of crap he must be! Ad for the guy you slept with, you are in no place for a relationship so just be glad he won't be around complicating everything further, but could your ex have got to him somehow?
I'm sure someone will have helpful advice re. Spyware.
Just enjoy your children, find yourself and it's never too late to start back on your career path.
You sound like things can only get better now, I truly hope so!

So he slept with you a week ago and now he's seeing someone and going out of his way to contact you?
Hmm he's playing games..

A new one called Mandy from philomena Clunk comedienne. Nothing featuring seals getting their just desserts sadly

Mandy does feature piranhas though

Apologies if anyone has already suggested this but how about you start writing OP? You could easily write a book or go straight to script writing. This thread is full of gems, you have been going through a rough time but your awesome sense of humour still shines through! Never mind watching comedy write some of your own!

I’m sorry to hear Mr Shagtastic didn’t work out. I’m certain that it won’t be long before you find someone right for you. How about any friends who know decent guys who might be interested in a FWB type arrangement? Until ‘the one’ turns up of course.

Parks & Recreation is also a good one if you’re searching for comedy.

A pinky ring? I’m sorry, but NO.

"Punch the seal" and "bitten by a cunting seal" go down with "jump the shark" in the all time top 3 marine life sayings...you have a wonderful black sense of humour OP.

I'm glad DS had a good birthday and STBXH a miserable one. Meh about PinkyShagman..cervix and spywear check next on the list 💪
Rooting for you OP

If it's any consolation I want to be your friend OP because you sound hilarious. If you want to go find the cunting seal for revenge I've got your back. And as your new friend I will also be banning you from shagging anyone else with a pinky ring. Next you'll be telling us he's got a standing order to seal protection charity - he's clearly a wrongen.

I know, I should’ve ran at the first sighting of the pinky ring. But I hadn’t had sex in years so I was prepared to let some things slide. Pinky rings were always my line in the sand though and I wish I hadn’t let that rule slide.

I’ve been shopping today and bought myself some new clothes. I’m now drinking gin from a can and my friend (a non mad one) is coming over shortly to take photos of me in my new clothes and tell me that I’m pretty and that anyone would be lucky to shag me. Then she’ll go home and I’ll cry again.

Your friend should be able to get over this, she's not mad

Please don't call your friend mad.

Crying is meant to be good, but overrated in my book as a) I wear makeup and b) once I start I can’t stop so it freaks me.

New clothes are good! New bedding cheered me too. And it’s great you have a friend coming over. Mad friend will be better soon too 💕

She calls herself mad when she’s being herself. She will definitely get over it though, she’s just having a tough time at the moment.

OP how are you?