My life is completely fucked

[Blanketyblanket]

And I’m at the stage now that I’m just giggling at the entire ridiculousness of it all. So far this year

• my marriage has broken down, I have become a single mum and stbxh is showing no interest in the kids that he asked me to destroy my career to raise
• I have found out stbxh has spent a 5 figure sum on prostitutes during the last 3 years but has also been earning 5 times what he told me he was
• stbxh has installed either spyware on my phone or spy cams in the house as he is aware that I slept with someone a couple of nights ago
• the man I slept with a couple of nights ago (who has been lovely to me for months despite me making it very clear I wasn’t after a relationship) blocked me about an hour after sleeping with me
• my children have gone completely feral during the last 5 months of school
• I have found out today that I have more abnormal cells on my cervix despite having half of it burnt off a few weeks ago
• it’s dc1’s birthday on Friday and I’ve got him hardly anything and don’t have time to get him anything without him also being there
• my best friend has post party’s psychosis and has been sectioned as she was threatening to mill herself. She is convinced her family want her dead as they were the ones who requested the assessment that resulted in her being sectioned so I am the only person she wants to communicate with
• my dm kindly took the kids for an hour this morning so I could have a swim and clear my head and I got bitten by a cunting seal

I don’t know what to do. I’m drinking gin at my kitchen table right now and alternating between giggling at the complete wreckage of my life and sobbing.

How old is DC? I’d prioritise birthday. Is he old enough to wait at the front of the shop while you buy stuff? Or young enough for you to move the birthday to Saturday and do it on amazon for delivery tomorrow?

@Vodkacranberryplease I found it! My dad fishing off the Shetland islands managed to have the end of his finger pulled off (rather than bitten) by a seal. He was wearing a glove at the time and his mate had to fish the finger out of the glove 🤮 he went to the local hospital to get it sewn back on, but they didn’t know if it was gonna take. Funny thing was he went back to the hospital a few days later for a check up and when the doctor saw it he shouted ‘YES!!’ and asked to take a photo of it. Turned out he had a bet with another doctor whether they’d have to take the finger back off or not. The finger was actually improving and he’d won the bet (needed the photo as proof)

Can you set the cunting seals on stbxh?

"Cunting seal" must be one of the finest phrases ever written.

"and I got bitten by a cunting seal" is the lifesaver of that post.

I totally understand your near-hysterical reaction over everything, it sounds awful!

And I agree that the guy you slept with may well have been a set up by your ex, somehow - it makes no sense for him to have blocked you hours afterwards unless it was for that reason. If your Ex has been using prostitutes, it's just as likely that he found a male escort willing to make a bit on the side as well.

Do get the seal bite checked though, if it broke the skin at all. :(

At least with the cervix, they've found it so should be able to fix it before it gets too serious - I know it's the second time, but there are other "fixes" which can be done.

AS for the rest - big ((((hugs)))) and just let it all out. I hope your friend with post-partum psychosis is getting the help she needs, it's a horrible condition, but treatment usually works really well.

and for you

I'm imagining the person at the maginary seal bite database HQ sadly sitting there waiting for a case. Best report it OP. Seals are nasty. As are squirrels.
I'm sorry you are having such a shit time OP..

@Itsjustabitofbanter Oh. My. God. Hilarious the doctors were betting over it taking though.

Glad it did - not a nice thing to have happen. Little fuckers are off my 'cute list' for good now. I know otters are bite-y but doubt theyt could pull a whole finger tip off.

What a shit your ex is!! Hope you take him to the bloody cleaners.

Amazon prime for presents!

Cunting seals😏

At least now you know what your stbx is earning and he's not having the dc at night you'll get more child maint out of him.

Seriously tho, I'm sorry you're going through this. I was where you are a fair few years ago, nothing, and I mean nothing seemed to go right, it seemed to be one thing after another. But I'm now the happiest I've ever been. 'Just keep swimming' in the words of Dory, just avoid the seals. Oh and where there's seals, there might be great white sharks - glass half full and all that

Oh my gosh... I’m so sorry OP . There are no words for having such an unfair amount of awful stress and hurt to deal With but it will get better. This is only temporary. Sad times have to pass, nothing stays the same

Awww OP I'm so sorry for all that you are going through but cunting seal is an epic phrase. Seals have form for pretty poor behaviour. I recently read that they often try to have sex with penguins ? Thankfully they didn't try this with you.

A seal bit you? Dear god! Get onto cms, get a claim in, drink copious amounts of gin and take your phone to a shop that can check for spyware. My word, you deserve cake, booze and a child free day if your dm would be so kind.

Jesus wept OP I nearly cried myself at all the shit you're putting up with then nearly peed myself laughing at your cunting seal.(sorry, I know it's not funny but ...).

I don't know what to suggest about the rest because I'm not in a good headspace right now, but I do think you're pretty awesome.

@backseatcookers

Oh love, fucking hell what a bastard of a time you've had. I'm sure some people will be along with some grown up advice but I wanted to say that being able to use the amazing phrase 'bitten by a cunting seal' at such a shit time makes me think you're probably an absolute fucking legend

What she said. .

Yea but think of the bullet you dodged regarding your ex! Raise your glass of Gin and enjoy, your life is about to get a lot, lot better.

itsjustabitofbanter bloody hell! That’s terrifying, I had never heard of seal finger. All the swimmers I know have just ended up with bruises from seals. Fishermen hate them round here though, I guess they’re more aggressive towards them. I’ve double checked and definitely not got any broken skin. It would be just my luck to have my torso fall off though.

burtsbeesknees I’m not quite at the point yet where the possibility of being eaten by a shark is a silver lining . I’ll see what the next few days have in store though.

I’ve got an hour to go to Sainsbury’s tonight to try and scrape some bits together for dc1’s birthday. All he really wants in Minecoins for Minecraft but I feel bad that he won’t have much to physically open. I’ll get him some chocolate and Lego which should do the trick.

Stbxh was supposed to be getting him a tablet but there’s no way I’m going to let him set that up in my house now that I know he’s been spying on me. So DS will just have to keep that tablet at his dad’s and carry on using mine to play Minecraft on.

STBXH is joining us for a day out for his party tomorrow and I know he’s going to bloody love taking the piss about the fact I got blocked by the first person I’d had sex with in years. So that’s something to look forward to.

The very second he mentions a fucking thing you say to him "well at least I don't have to pay for it. And that x thousand you spent on hookers is coming out of your settlement"

As well as slipping on things like "the policeman I was talking to the other day tells me that the surveillance you had me under is highly illegal"

But actually what the fuck is he doing there. I would have him nowhere near me after that. Fucking psycho.

STBXH is joining us for a day out for his party tomorrow and I know he’s going to bloody love taking the piss about the fact I got blocked by the first person I’d had sex with in years. So that’s something to look forward to.

Wait how will he know this?! Don't tell him anything about it!

Wow, I thought this couldn't get any worse and then I reached the part where you got bitten by a seal! Drink all the gin. Tomorrow is a new day. At least you know what your stbxh has been up to now and he can no longer continue lying to you. You have all my sympathy but it sounds like you are dealing with this wonderfully and with an excellent sense of humour! You will get through this, maybe just stay away from the sea and online dating for a while.

How will your ex know about you having sex with someone?

Surely he won't know about you being blocked?!😱

The "cunting seal" bit made me giggle like mad; you sound funny and resilient.

Things will get better x

I’m sorry it’s so shit

I also laughed at bitten by a cutting seal

What did exH actually say to you about to spending a night with the man?

You are wonderful and you will be fine - resilient and funny as a PP noted.

Anyone who takes on a fat tourist-fed seal and then snarks “log it with 101” has got moxie in spades.

Feral kids? Who’s counting? Oh yeh... seals. 😂

Wow.

I hope something, actually anyfuckingthing starts going your way.

The seal is just rude. The universe is really adding insult to injury with the cunting seal.

I'd be swimming in a vat of wine at this point. . .actually quite a few points earlier! You are an amazingly strong person who is showing so much grace under fire. I hope your STBXH gets his willie bitten by a ferret, it goes gangrenous and falls off.