Good-looking people who don't know they're good-looking

[EoinMcLovesCakeJumper]

Do they really not know? I know a friend of a friend who is absolutely stunning - tall, slim, perfect complexion, naturally curly waist-length hair etc. Men go gaga over her, but she always seems to be surprised when it's pointed out.

I just don't understand how someone can be that oblivious. We live in such a looks-orientated world, and people who don't meet the approved standard are certainly told about it often enough. I tend to think that everyone has a good idea of where they stand, and if they say otherwise it's because they think it would be seen as boasting or a lack of humility.

So does anyone know someone who appears to be genuinely unaware that they're gorgeous? I'm sure I've seen a few examples on threads of "my painfully handsome DH who looks like a long-lost Hemsworth brother thinks that all the women throwing themselves at him are just being friendly and he's bemused when I point out that they're coming on to him". Are they for real?

I think the barrage of advertising/you’re not good enough destabilises everyone however lovely they look, they will notice the imperfections and have insecurities.

I think DH is incredibly handsome. he looks like a young Charles Dance. Women do fall over him (right in front of me sometimes). He genuinely cannot see it, and is even less interested. I used to be quite insecure about it, but he is always a bit perplexed. I have seen women literally proposition him in front of me.

Strangely- despite the fact I am quite plain and 3 stone overweight he always thinks he is punching above his weight with me. Totally wierd. He's lovely, 20 years together now.

I don't get it either. How can you not know?

Aren’t people just being modest though? When pointed out what might you expect them to say? ‘Oh yes I realise I’m attractive’ or similar?

Well, not constantly act shocked and perplexed by all the attention!

Maybe because they look in the mirror and only see the faults? I can't judge myself against other people because I don't look at myself as a whole, I focus on individual bits that I judge to be awful. It's probably due to my childhood.

We know

We are told often enough usually from childhood

But do we believe people actually like us that’s a different matter (and I don’t mean the women not liking other pretty women because that’s a load of rubbish)

I suppose they do know but there'd be a backlash if they said ''yeh I know I'm good looking''.

Also, so often, women particularly, instead of comparing themselves to the NORM or the average level of attractiveness, they will compare themselves to Scarlet Johansson or somebody like that!

You know I have always considered myself fat and average looking. My sister was "the pretty one".
Looking back at photos of myself in my early 20s, I was nowhere near as fat as I thought I was and I look pretty. I was quite lovely really, but as no one in my family ever said I think I grew up thinking I wasn't attractive. I feel bad for that young woman I was, who had no idea.

I don't think this is uncommon.

I think @Dogsaresomucheasier hit the nail on the head in the first reply. Women are constantly being told we're not "enough". Attractive people are not immune to insecurity and focusing on their own perceived flaws.

@Flyinggeese

Aren’t people just being modest though? When pointed out what might you expect them to say? ‘Oh yes I realise I’m attractive’ or similar?

Very true as well as Dogsresomucheasier.

I always think I look awful in photos but I've started (occasionally, I'm not obsessed ) critiquing other people's pictures as if they were mine. I.e. if that was how I looked today, would I be pleased with the picture?

I find that whilst I know a couple of stunning truly photogenic people and most of my friends are perfectly lovely to look at, if I was looking at their picture as me, there's often something I'd be critical of. The hair isn't sitting quite right, the lipstick doesn't suit, the outfit doesn't flatter but I don't see that at all when I'm looking at it as them. I hope that doesn't sound too weird but it has helped me to understand that others probably don't see me the way I do either.

Some people are insecure and don't see their own beauty.
I've been told recently by a straight talking friend that I am beautiful and 'can have any man' (in context because we were talking about a mutual friend that I am having sex with and she thinks I can do far better).
She told me I am 'conventionally pretty and have a symmetrical face' which is a nice compliment but I have never considered that to be true, but very much wished for it.
I have dysmorphia due to a narcissistic, critical mother and I'm only just coming to terms with this aged 30.
Until fairly recently I thought I looked like a potato that got run over.
Not saying that's everyone's story, but it can happen.

Grottyfeet, I've done that to test myself too. Same result.

I think it’s an insecurity thing. My weight fluctuates (a LOT).

When I’m thin, I’m not all that happy with how I look and can be insecure. I’m not that happy when I look in the mirror and will focus on my flaws.

However, when I’m in a fat phase I look at my skinny pictures and think I looked amazing, but when I’m thin I just cannot see it like that when I look in the mirror.

I think people just focus on their flaws, which everyone has, no matter how gorgeous others think they are.

People (women) are also conditioned not to be arrogant / think too highly of themselves in general.

I do think however that people have a rough idea of whether they are attractive or not.

Someone I know was overweight as a child and teen, lost weight around 20 and was really attractive. She knew she looked better but really didn’t know that she was very good looking and always seemed embarrassed and awkward if men approached her or she got compliments.
I’m sure some people have had childhoods where they weren’t made to feel attractive so it must happen.

YY, my SIL is beautiful but was the most awkward, plain looking teenager with frizzy hair and acne.

She’s also got the dark haired, dark eyed classy look which I don’t think is really appreciated by younger people, especially as her best friend is very tall and blonde, so usually gets more attention.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and Charles Dance holds no appeal for me at all.
The likes of Grace Kelly, I think she was probably perfection.

STBEXH is incredibly good looking. Like a previous poster women flirt and proposition him in front of me and DC even. He did win the genetic lottery, is pretty fit, tall, incredibly smooth skin but also extremely vain, takes hours for personal grooming daily (habits ageing well but I'm sure scared he is the wrong side of 40, that he will lose his looks) and very much aware of his looks which makes him actually quite unattractive.

He also boasts of women approaching him, has a rating system and is constantly telling me how ugly and unattractive I am. Besides the insane grooming(which was a turn off I overlooked and told myself it's nice to have a man who takes care of himself) he kept this side of him well hidden until a while into our marriage otherwise I never would have married him because he is a big jerk and has no idea how ugly his behaviour makes him.

One of DH's friends is very handsome, he also seems like a really nice bloke. His wife on the other hand is incredibly plain and a bit humourless. But they're very happy and have 3 lovely kids. Beauty can be in the eye of the beholder!

Of course she knows but is being modest, also it's irritating to be judged for your looks ALL OF THE TIME.
I was only noticed for my looks when I was younger and it really pissed me off. Constantly having blokes letching over you and attracting the wrong kind of attention and people groping you when all you want is just to blend in like everyone else.
I don't need to worry about it any more at my age and its a blessed relief.

I've been told many times that I'm attractive and I'm also completely certain that many people find me ugly because I don't think I'm stereotypically attractive. Some days I think "you look pretty," and others I can only see flaws. I imagine it's the same for most women?

I think on average, there would be a general consensus whether someone is attractive or not. I won’t give examples because that would be hideous.

When it comes to using words like stunning or beautiful, I think things become more uncertain.

For example (and again I’m not using real examples as I feel it’s awful) celeb A is attractive and most people wouldn’t disagree that they are nice looking, but they wouldn’t necessarily describe them as stunning.

That’s the epitome of perfection and imo there’s very few people I would describe as such. In the same was as being described as beautiful. It’s the top award shall was say (imo) and so I wouldn’t use it in the same was as I would use attractive/pretty.

I would describe lots of people as attractive, good looking or pretty, but again imo beautiful I’d the crem de la crem and most people don’t fall in to that elusive category.

So my definition of beautiful is quite narrow and wouldn’t be the same as the next persons defining of the word.

So whilst you may think your friends is out of this word stunningly beautiful, there’s a good chance the next person wouldn’t think so- although can see they are attractive.

In my experience of really good looking people who are unaware of their good looks, it’s usually because they have an even better looking sibling or mother. (Stands to reason as beauty is mostly genetic). So they think of themselves as being “the plain one” as opposed to what they really are, which is much better looking than 99% of people.

If it isn’t this, it’s because they’re overweight. They become so fixated on their shape that they don’t realise everyone else is just looking at their beautiful face.

When I was younger (in my 50s now) I used to get a lot of male attention and other girls and friends would go on about how pretty I was, so there was definitely a part of me that was all smug and “I’m gawjus” etc. BUT, I was still also incredibly insecure and thought I looked hideous in photos and when I caught glimpses of myself in a shop window or something. I hated my teeth, hated my smile, hated how skinny and pale I was. I spent ages on my make up because I was convinced I looked ugly without it.

So yes, I think you can be confident in your looks but at the same time incredibly insecure. And when somebody pays you a compliment it can still come as a genuine “what, really?” moment iyswim.