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Original poster

Need advice, would you let your 16 yo dd do this?

289 replies

Loopylou6 · 20/07/2020 12:18

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.
Her boyfriend is not English and has gone back to home country for 2 and a half months to visit his other family. Dd had wanted to fly over herself for a week to stay with him, which I said no to. Anyway, shes told me last night that his family are flying over for 10 days to visit him im his home country, and have invited her to go with them, he will pay her plane tickets and she will stay with him in an apartment.
She's desperate to go, but I'm not sure, she's had an extremely rough couple of years through no fault of her own, didn't get to have a prom because of covid etc, and I think it'll be a lovely adventure for her, she gets on well with his family as she spends alot of time at his house.
But she's only 16, altho she's very mature, so i just don't know
WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 20/07/2020 12:20

Oh and the country is about a 2 hour 30 minute flight

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 20/07/2020 12:20

Which country?

Is there any danger at all of her getting married when she is out there?

DuckyMcDuck · 20/07/2020 12:22

It would depend on which country for me at the moment. If we, or they, go into lockdown or she falls ill, I would be much happier if she was in Germany, rather than Argentina for example.

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NeutralJanet · 20/07/2020 12:22

Would it just be the two of them in the apartment or would an adult be staying with them? If there was an adult staying I would consider it under normal circumstances, but with covid I don't think I'd let my daughter take an unnecessary flight anywhere, aeroplanes are bound to be hot spots for infection.

SpillTheTeaa · 20/07/2020 12:23

No. Not at 16.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 20/07/2020 12:23

What country, I think the culture of that country would factor in my decision.

I would have let DD and her BF go away together for a week or so I think.
This is slightly different.

Is she mature enough to deal with x, y, z worst case scenarios?

cakeandchampagne · 20/07/2020 12:25

I’d say no.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/07/2020 12:27

It's hard to say because there's no way I'd be letting her have her boyfriend sleep over at 16 or her to sleep over at his. It's not the sex (they'll find a way to do that anyway), it's how much 'deeper' & intense the relationship becomes. I feel it's too much at 16.

Also, Covid, no way would she have been doing this during lockdown.

I think you're treating her like a much older daughter, personally.

So, no, my daughter would not be going.

However, considering how things have been in YOUR house, I would let her go, yes. (After speaking to his family myself! I'd want to know a lot more about the arrangements.

FunTimes2020 · 20/07/2020 12:27

No not at 16 and they have only been together a few months also. 17 (closer to 18) would be the earliest I would agree.

NoKnit · 20/07/2020 12:27

If it was just a female friend would you allow it?

How well do you know her boyfriend's family?

What is your financial situation if you needed to go to her or needed to fly her home at short notice? Are you in a position to do that?

I think based on the answers to the above I would probably say yes

Trika · 20/07/2020 12:28

How old is he and what country?

KaptainKaveman · 20/07/2020 12:33

No way. What happens if she gets ill? If another lockdown occurs there or here? Is it a ruse to get married? Which country is it?

IrmaFayLear · 20/07/2020 12:36

I have a 16-year-old dd and the answer would be no. Sometimes you have to be the parent - and believe me, I know it’s difficult when faced with an angry thwarted teen!

The reasons for no are a) she’s 16 b) Covid (could be a sudden lockdown or someone in the party or her could become ill) and c) lack of maturity to deal with all sorts of situations.

Obviously it’s all extra difficult at the moment. I don’t know what her past troubles have been, but missing prom is no reason to let your dd go on this trip!

Scruffyoak · 20/07/2020 12:39

I would want to say no but I'm sure at 16 they can go without permission?

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 20/07/2020 12:39

Thank you for replies.
It is Italy
I don't have concerns about them planning on marrying
I have never met his family, but I would be doing so if I let her go there
She has said that if another lock down occurred then because she is English, she would be allowed to get a flight home as an emergency (?)
He is 19, but he's a very caring person who obviously completely adores her

OP posts:
2155User · 20/07/2020 12:41

No no no

OverTheRainbow88 · 20/07/2020 12:43

Personally no, could you go with her?

Scruffyoak · 20/07/2020 12:44

I would maybe acknowledge her frustration but convince her to wait till next year?

noimkaren · 20/07/2020 12:45

The red flag for me would be if his parents haven't spoken to you about the possibility that she could go with them, laid out the arrangements in detail and, crucially, asked your permission. It isn't for you to go to them to find out the details- that's tantamount to accepting that she's going. If they've approached you and you're still uncomfortable, go with your instincts and say no. If this boy's parents are reasonable, they'll back you up. if they're not, then your misgivings are justified.

NeighbourPooNameChange · 20/07/2020 12:46

Definitely not if he’s 19. He’s an adult and I doubt his parents would be acting in loco parentis. It would also be a no from me if the bf was 16/15/14 etc. She’s 16. 16 year olds haven’t learn to assert themselves properly yet and she’s not on home turf. I’ve got a 16 year old and NOTHING has prepared me for their capacity for dramatic situations and things getting ballsed up. Good luck!

DariaMorgendorffer · 20/07/2020 12:50

Not a chance.

feelingfree17 · 20/07/2020 12:53

The parents should be contacting you directly to discuss the possibility of her joining them. I would be concerned this hasn’t been done. I would also want to meet the parents

Trika · 20/07/2020 12:53

No way with him being 19, they haven't been dating long, you haven't met the family and he's older and paying for the flight which puts a strained dynamic on it for a new young relationship

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 20/07/2020 12:53

i would say yes. she sounds very mature and i think, a lot of posters have commented on family's lack of communicatiion but tbh this is just how italians do things. they operate on a much more casual basis than us brits, in general. it doesnt sound suspicious and there's no cultural issues that I'd have. but, in the end, it doesnt matter, as she is 16 and can go wthout your permission OP! How would you feel if you said no, and she decided to go anyway? would that be worse than letting her go but setting out some conditions (e.g. she must contact you everyday, etc).
i think by not letting her go, you might create a barrier between you both, causing further tension and making her not want to talk to you about stuff and ask for your views.

sunshineandlollypops · 20/07/2020 12:59

No way.