Need advice, would you let your 16 yo dd do this?

[Loopylou6]

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.
Her boyfriend is not English and has gone back to home country for 2 and a half months to visit his other family. Dd had wanted to fly over herself for a week to stay with him, which I said no to. Anyway, shes told me last night that his family are flying over for 10 days to visit him im his home country, and have invited her to go with them, he will pay her plane tickets and she will stay with him in an apartment.
She's desperate to go, but I'm not sure, she's had an extremely rough couple of years through no fault of her own, didn't get to have a prom because of covid etc, and I think it'll be a lovely adventure for her, she gets on well with his family as she spends alot of time at his house.
But she's only 16, altho she's very mature, so i just don't know
WWYD?

Is she nearly 17? Or just 16. This would make a difference to me

some very naive people on this thread

Naive or just have more able DD's?

in the best case scenario, family are fine and have every intention of looking after your daughter...but she can barely communicate with the adults in the family- what if she is ill or has some other problem and bf is not there?or what if bf IS the problem?

What if she is ill or has a problem and he is not there? Surely she can deal with it like she would at home? The language barrier can always be worked out using google, anything else, so long as insurance etc is in place then she will be fine. Ok nobody wants to be ill in a foreign country but it's a risk any of us take when we go abroad. It's not a barrier to travel regardless of age.

@StillWeRise some very naive people on this thread I don't think I have ever been called naive. Cynical yes. Jaded even. But naive? Nope.

I'm not sure if you've ever been away from the UK apart from bucket and spade little Britain's in Spain etc - but most Europeans look at us with our tatts and binge drinking and sleeping around and revolting outfits and shudder. No Italian parent would let their child go to Benidorm. Ever.

Italians are quite prudish about their dcs (although of course the dcs get up to all sorts) and I can’t imagine the condoning of sleeping together under the parents’ roof or even off premises. I’m sorry, but they would consider her loose , irregardless of how sexist and outmoded this may be considered here

She is 2 years over the age of consent in Italy so I hardly think she will be considered 'loose' for staying with her actual boyfriend

Also this may shock some of you but many people in Italy speak English. Especially doctors.

@cuntryclub

My DD and all her friends are 18/19. If one of the lads told them he was going out with a girl who was in yr11, I think they'd all call him a paedo tbh.

That would be really bloody awful of them. I'm not sure why you would use this as a plus point. What a god awful thing to say.

Not really. I would wonder about a 19 yr old MAN's intentions with a CHILD because a 16 yr old is still a child.

Not a chance in hell, shes 16..think your treating her a lot older than what she actually is..

Not really. I would wonder about a 19 yr old MAN's intentions with a CHILD because a 16 yr old is still a child.

Emotive language doesn't change the facts of the law. A 19 year old is NOT a paedophile is he is in a relationship with a 16 year old. You can say 'man' and 'child' as much as you want but at 16 she is above the age of consent. Using the word 'child' to try and infantilise a 16 year old simply so you can justify calling a 19 year old a paedophile is pretty bad tbh.

Let's save the term for those who truly deserve it.

FWIW when I took my family to Italy I asked a native speaker to translate some vital medical information for me in case my DD had a particular medical emergency. She was unable to exactly translate the condition (she was highly educated) and I found ordinary people also did not understand me when I showed them a written statement about DDs condition.
So I'm not particularly confident about accessing medical care abroad, no. Although I doubt Italian doctors would ignore and English patient in favour of natives as someone suggested.
Not at all sure what Benidorm or buckets and spades has to do with it really.

FWIW when I took my family to Italy I asked a native speaker to translate some vital medical information for me in case my DD had a particular medical emergency. She was unable to exactly translate the condition (she was highly educated) and I found ordinary people also did not understand me when I showed them a written statement about DDs condition.

Presumably if OP DD has a condition they can prepare by finding out what they would need to know prior to travel. Again, that's a pretty standard thing to do if you have particular medical needs. Age isn't a barrier to it.

I have a 16yrar old DD ,I would be apprehensive about this , but at 16 they will rebel and if you tell them no and might go anyway.
A lot depends on how well you know the BF and his family.
Personally i would be tempted to use covid as my get out of jail free card!
Can you invite him on your next family holiday instead?
Also at 16 with BF I would sort out contraception pronto .

Oh here we go! The mumsnet pearl clutching! These are the women that will still be wiping their kids' bums at 30!!

She's 16 not 6 and by your accounts very mature. Seriously mumsnet is not the best place to ask a question like this!

I'm why are you worried about letting her go alone? Covid? Safety reasons?

Chat to his parents, well as much as you can, and see if that helps you decide.

I'd hate it if my 16 year old daughter wanted to do the same but it's what's best for her. I'd let her go if she was mature enough.

Making independent well thought through decisions is part of being an adult.

You have met his boyfriend: do you like him? Does he seem sensible and decent?

She has met his parents, does she feel comfortable with them?

You say she is capable.

16 year olds get planes all the time.

What is your own worry and hesitation?

@Vodkacranberryplease

Ok just checked. Sophie Hayes psychopathic boyfriend was called 'Kas'. Not exactly Mauro or Francesco.. in fact I've never even heard of a Kas. Or any name that could be shortened to that.

Meanwhile uk tv is positivily stuffed with home grown serial killers.

Did just try and do a racial profile based on a nickname?

Maybe I’m a pearl clutcher, but there are some “swing your pants” parents on this thread.

These are not normal times, for a start. They’re just not. I’m not paranoid about coronavirus, but I am wary and would not be happy about my dd heading off to Europe. The family presumably are holidaying by the sea. Is it a crowded resort or do they have a fancy villa?

And Covid or no Covid, I am my ds’s parent not her friend (well, sometimes, I hope!) and saying hell, yeah, anything goes is not always going to go well. I had a school friend with “modern” parents who were happy about boyfriends staying over etc and she says with hindsight she wishes there had been more guidance and less enthusiasm for her having sexual relationships under their nose.

And, as I previously said - and with some knowledge - I can’t imagine your average Italian family condoning their son shagging a 16-year-old English girl on their holiday. And most Italians are crap at English. Go beyond the tourist hotspots and outside the higher echelons of society and business and you will struggle to find anyone who can string two English words together. Scandinavians they ain’t!

Would you let her go even though you’d had nil contact with the BFs family though @TheGodmother

I’m genuinely curious x

I agree some people are naive. The OP knows nothing about older “boyfriends” family. Never met them. Never spoken with them. The boyfriend has gotten “serious” with the teenage DD in only a few months during a pandemic lockdown. To me, the come to my apartment in Italy by yourself could be the “Isolation” step in grooming. It’s too quick and the fact DD is “desperate” to go is worrying. Why can’t she wait the two months until he is back in U.K.?

@StillWeRise FWIW when I took my family to Italy I asked a native speaker to translate some vital medical information for me in case my DD had a particular medical emergency. She was unable to exactly translate the condition (she was highly educated) and I found ordinary people also did not understand me when I showed them a written statement about DDs condition

It can be hard to know the specislist words. I often ask an Italian staff member the meaning of specific words and he knows what they are - but can't say it in English! He can describe it and we get there in the end 😁 hes been here years!

If she can learn some Italian and get some of the pronunciation right it's easy as the words can be similar when you say them/say them a certain way. I needed nail polish remover without acetone and eventually got there but of course it's acch-eh-tony. The c to a ch is a good one to remember.

Sometimes dropping the h works too. Eg hospital is ospedale. Said without the h, and with an Italian accent it's pretty easy to understand.

Plus google translate!! Available on any smart phone 😉.

Now, Brazil, that is a country you can't get around very easily in! Unless you speak fluent Portuguese! Even then 😮😮.

I would also be very suspicious that your dd asked to go on her and was told no then suddenly she is able to go with "family". Maybe im just cynical but i would be questioning this

Ha I do agree .. that's why just as you would anything you need to check with the parents! Is she going with the whole family? Or is it just her and bf..,

He is already there until october, she will be flying over with his mum step dad, and little sister

I'd say yes, depending upon whether I could get a feel for the family. It'll be an interesting experience for her if she goes, and it's only 10 days.

Presumably if OP DD has a condition they can prepare by finding out what they would need to know prior to travel. Again, that's a pretty standard thing to do if you have particular medical needs. Age isn't a barrier to it.
but that's exactly what I did! if you have ever used google translate in a situation where accuracy is important, you would know not to trust it. Waving your hands around and pronouncing english words in an Italian accent won't do.

Anyway, this is not the main issue. The main issue is OP does not know this family and if you consult the graphic kindly posted by PlanDeRaccordement, you'll see that OP's DD's situation is not a million miles away from what is described there.

But all those accusing us of pearl clutching must know better and trafficking is not a thing at all.

Must be more cool.

I was going to say I would think it was ok until I found out the bf is 19. I think 16 yos can be mature and travel themselves - I went overseas to do voluntary work at that age. I imagine she would manage of something unexpected happened (and could call you for advice).

But the age of the bf changes the dynamic a lot. At 19 is expect the bf to be reading for a more mature and intense relationship than a 16yo would be ready for. They aren't really peers. I'd be worried to expose your dd to that without guidance, so no, I wouldn't agree.

I'm also not convinced that a child travelling abroad without a trusted family member is a good idea right now due to the lockdown risk.

@Loopylou6 she will be flying over with his mum step dad, and little sister oh come on! Does it get more safe than this? Seriously?