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Original poster

Need advice, would you let your 16 yo dd do this?

289 replies

Loopylou6 · 20/07/2020 12:18

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.
Her boyfriend is not English and has gone back to home country for 2 and a half months to visit his other family. Dd had wanted to fly over herself for a week to stay with him, which I said no to. Anyway, shes told me last night that his family are flying over for 10 days to visit him im his home country, and have invited her to go with them, he will pay her plane tickets and she will stay with him in an apartment.
She's desperate to go, but I'm not sure, she's had an extremely rough couple of years through no fault of her own, didn't get to have a prom because of covid etc, and I think it'll be a lovely adventure for her, she gets on well with his family as she spends alot of time at his house.
But she's only 16, altho she's very mature, so i just don't know
WWYD?

OP posts:
alwaysscared · 20/07/2020 14:19

I had a 20 year old boyfriend when I was 16. We didn't sleep together until I was 17 though. I went on holidays, went to stay with him for weekends when he moved away etc. There was nothing wrong with it, he was a lovely guy (too nice for me in the end) and my mother trusted me 100%. It may have made a difference that I was the youngest of 4 so she had seen it all before.
I was very mature for my age and also went on a friends holiday to Spain when I was 16.
I think only you know your daughter and whether she is ready for this sort of thong. And definitely meet the family before you make a decision!

alwaysscared · 20/07/2020 14:20

Thing, not thong!

2bazookas · 20/07/2020 14:21

@PotteringAlong

Which country?

Is there any danger at all of her getting married when she is out there?

You haven't even met this family. Do they know how old your DD is or how vulnerable she is? Do they let the pair share a bed at their place? Do you?

If this was a genuine offer of hospitality in Italy by a reputable, caring family, they would OF COURSE have contacted you first, to discuss all arrangements, accommodation, health, covid in Italy , etc and assure you your daughter would be safe. They would have done that when their son suggested the FIRST trip ; but they didn't. And they still haven't contacted you about plan B, including her, and paying her expenses, on a supposed family trip. How many more red flags, blaring klaxons etc do you need?

I suspect the "loving, caring " briefly known 19 yr old has strung your vulnerable and naive 16 yr old as many fibs as he can think of, to over-rule you first refusal.

"Missed her prom" or the bribe of free flights sound like infantile arguments from a naive teenager.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Roselilly36 · 20/07/2020 14:24

I would no OP, I would be worried if they fell out etc, intense teenage relationships often break suddenly, how would you feel if your DD called you in tears and she’s a flight away? She is only 16.

Happynow001 · 20/07/2020 14:26

She has said that if another lock down occurred then because she is English, she would be allowed to get a flight home as an emergency (?)
How true is this OP? Has there been a definite Government commitment to this? I've lost track a bit..

Also a vote No from me, however. She may be desperate to go - of course she is - but that doesn't mean it's sensible to let her go.

Evelefteden · 20/07/2020 14:27

I don’t think it’s about trusting your dd. It’s about being able to trust the environment she will be in- which is actually out of her control.

BlingLoving · 20/07/2020 14:28

I don't think you can send your dd on a trip with another family unless you know that family surely? I mean, if the boyfriend is from school and you have a good sense of his family etc then I'd be inclined to say sure, let her go. But I wouldn't be sending my teenage daughter off to another country unless I knew the family she was going with and felt confident they would parent her as I would.

Also the age difference here is relevant - what his parents will consider appropriate for him because he's 19 may not be things you'd consider appropriate for her, because she's only 16.

BlingLoving · 20/07/2020 14:29

Also, with all due respect, he's a 19 year old man - if he thinks travelling around during Covid is okay, he could come back to the UK for a long weekend to see her.

Evelefteden · 20/07/2020 14:31

And actually yes what if they fall out. They’ve only known each other a few months. He could turn in to a complete dick whilst on holiday and she will be stuck.

When dd1 was 18 she went to Barbados with her friends family for two weeks. Two days in she had a massive fight with her friend and was in the phone wanting to come back. The didn’t speak for the rest of the holiday.

Scruffyoak · 20/07/2020 14:36

why are some people saying absolutely not? I am certain a 16yr old can go abroad without permission...and move out, so them sleeping over is not something the OP can do much about.

CuppaZa · 20/07/2020 14:37

No I wouldn’t let her

Scruffyoak · 20/07/2020 14:38

I have had a Google and seems you do need permission at 16....phew!

madwoman1ntheattic · 20/07/2020 14:40

When dd1 went to Mexico to visit her boyfriend’s mother, the mother emailed me in advance with what they planned to do, where they would be (also spending a few nights with an uncle outside of the city). She went above and beyond to explain and reassure that they would take great care of her. Dd1 was 18 and had been at university on her own for a year. Her bf was a year older at same university.
I think it is the age difference that is making me uncomfortable here. I also have a 16yo dd who has flown independently many times, but never to meet an adult man overseas during a global pandemic.
I’m kinda boggled that any of them are flying round the world unnecessarily if I’m honest. It makes me wonder about their risk assessment capacity.

Baaaahhhhh · 20/07/2020 14:42

Italy? Absolutely I would let her go. I went to stay with an Italian boy on Lake Como aged 16, had never met his parents before, and had met him the year before that on holiday, so my parents had met him. Slight difference being that my parents were already in Italy at the time, but I flew out of the UK on my own to Milan, caught a train to Bergamo, stayed for a couple of weeks, then trained back down to Rimini. Happy days.

InTheWings · 20/07/2020 14:43

Yes.

My children are / were sensible at 16, I can't for the life of me think why a simple trip to a European country when there will be adults she knows nearby and on hand would be any particular risk.

My main worry would be COVID infection on the plane.

sashh · 20/07/2020 14:44

I think you need to meet with his family and find out exactly what the proposal for the holiday is.

halcyondays · 20/07/2020 14:44

No absolutely not. Apart from anything else lots of people got stuck halfway round the world last time when countries went into lockdown. The government didn’t exactly rush to bring them back.

InTheWings · 20/07/2020 14:46

This time last year (and every year before that for a generation) a load of 16 year olds were gearing up to go to Reading and Leeds festival. This trip sounds eminently more civilised and risk free.

Her boyfriends family will be around.

If she has problems she can call you.

Don't infantilise her.

BillywilliamV · 20/07/2020 14:54

I have a very mature, responsible 16yo. I would let her do this.

sussexmum · 20/07/2020 15:09

op seems like many replies are from parents who have yet to have actual teens of thier own, and the one about forced marriage is just hilarious given its italy!! its your choice, but i would say 'do your homework', meet the parents, and as someone else suggested maybe pop out there too even just for the first 2 nights if thats an option. i would feel 'beholden' to bf's family and that would make me uncomfortable personally.

NiceTwin · 20/07/2020 15:14

Yes, I would.

cuntryclub · 20/07/2020 15:28

He could turn in to a complete dick whilst on holiday and she will be stuck.

Why would she be stuck?

cuntryclub · 20/07/2020 15:33

My experience was a lot of U.K. travel at that age. Mumsnet 16 year olds go to bed at 8pm though!

DD when she was 16 regularly flew the length of the U.K. and stayed in hotels alone. She loves to travel and explore. She was actually 15 the first time she took a flight to Spain alone. She was meeting her school friend who was over there with family. I had no qualms about her ability to both catch a flight and get herself home again if needed.

It fully depends on your 16 year old but if she is sleeping with a 19 year old she has only known a few months it seems a bit off of you to slam on the brakes re travel. She must surely be capable of planning and organising?

That aside, Covid would make travel an absolute no for me right now anyway. But yes when things were in the strictest phase of lockdown people were always allowed to return to their home country.

meow1989 · 20/07/2020 15:36

Probably not because of the pandemic risk to be honest. It's also quite young to be in an unusual country where the power dynamic is in his favour (ie he knows the area and speaks the language).

I also think it's odd that you and his parents havent met and they've offered to do this.

However, I think people need to calm down about the age thing. I was 16 when I met dh, he was 19. We've been together 14 years, married 6 and have a 2 year old ds. Yes we slept at each others (parents) houses and in the same room from a few months in. Girls do mature faster than boys and thought inknownthere are some bad guys out there there are also plenty of good, respectful and decent 19 year old men., I think the age gap at this age is towards the acceptable limit but the bf is being tarred a bit unfairly I think.

IAintentDead · 20/07/2020 15:37

I would let her go.

She sounds sensible in that she knows what would happen if they went back into lockdown whilst she was there. The chances of them going back into lockdown are low because no country can afford for it to happen again.

My brother and his wife have a home in Italy and they are there currently and say life is pretty similar to here. Social distancing and mask but other than that almost normal.

It will be a great experience for her and will help to make up for the last shitty 6 months to some extent.

There are countries I wouldn't be happy about going to but Italy isn't one of them.