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Original poster

Need advice, would you let your 16 yo dd do this?

289 replies

Loopylou6 · 20/07/2020 12:18

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.
Her boyfriend is not English and has gone back to home country for 2 and a half months to visit his other family. Dd had wanted to fly over herself for a week to stay with him, which I said no to. Anyway, shes told me last night that his family are flying over for 10 days to visit him im his home country, and have invited her to go with them, he will pay her plane tickets and she will stay with him in an apartment.
She's desperate to go, but I'm not sure, she's had an extremely rough couple of years through no fault of her own, didn't get to have a prom because of covid etc, and I think it'll be a lovely adventure for her, she gets on well with his family as she spends alot of time at his house.
But she's only 16, altho she's very mature, so i just don't know
WWYD?

OP posts:
AudacityOfHope · 20/07/2020 13:01

A 16 year old has been seeing a 19 year old for a few months, and it's all very serious? No. No way.

ScrapThatThen · 20/07/2020 13:02

I did this at 16. It was lovely. The Spanish boyfriends mum wouldn't let us sleep in the same room, so intimacy was achieved elsewhere. My dad told me I needed to speak to the GP about contraception before I went. I told him I already had. I don't think it's an absolute no, OP, but up for discussion with you and your daughter. Would you say no next year? What would be different then? If valid worries, it's fine to say no.

user14234675325678 · 20/07/2020 13:03

Why the fuck have you been allowing your child to have sleepovers with an adult man?

And now you want to let her go to another country alone with him?

Do you know nothing about grooming or abuse?

If he shows his true colours when she is alone in a foreign country with him how do you think that will play out?

If he starts raping her while she's over there alone?

How will she get back if it all goes wrong?

Holy fuck, I can't believe what I just read.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
user14234675325678 · 20/07/2020 13:03

I hope this is a fucking wind up, because it is despicable if not.

Anordinarymum · 20/07/2020 13:04

OP. Say No

SoPanny · 20/07/2020 13:07

How well do you know him?

Have you had any direct contact with his family?

And - put bluntly; how do you feel knowing they’d be having loads of sex and in the event she came back pregnant you’d inevitably feel like you’d perhaps contributed to an avoidable situation?

Yes of course it could happen at any time but for me I’d feel really responsible if that happened as a result of the break away that I’d green lighted.

Whilst I travelled Europe myself at 17, it wasn’t a break away with a boy, it was because I really wanted to travel and had next to no opportunity to do so. I will be forever grateful to my mum for being on side but this really is different.

Randomfires · 20/07/2020 13:09

Absolutely yes. I went on holiday with my boyfriend at that age. What’s the issue?

CatherinedeBourgh · 20/07/2020 13:11

Yes I would. Treat her like an adult and she’s more likely to behave like one.

Randomfires · 20/07/2020 13:12

Only on Mumsnet would someone be called despicable for considering letting a 16 yr old go on what is essentially a holiday with her 19 year old boyfriend to a European country!!

TheVanguardSix · 20/07/2020 13:15

Have you actually spoken directly to his parents, OP?
All of this must be arranged with them, not the boyfriend. She's 16. She is not an adult and you really need to open a line of communication with his parents because of your DD's age, OP. He's an adult. But she isn't and your role here is to protect her as much as you can while giving her a bit of rope.
How well do you know the family? How well does SHE know the family?

CityCommuter · 20/07/2020 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoPanny · 20/07/2020 13:21

@Randomfires

Absolutely yes. I went on holiday with my boyfriend at that age. What’s the issue?
I think the critical issue here is that OP and the BFs family need to be in contact, that’s what could make this a success or disaster.
BlueJava · 20/07/2020 13:31

Yes, I would let her. My DS went to France for a 4 week course one summer when he was 15. I flew with him and stayed overnight then flew back. He stayed there himself and flew back at the end. No issues.

Evelefteden · 20/07/2020 13:31

No. You have no idea what his family are like.

I actually had a baby at 16 and considered myself as responsible but I still was put in to some not very nice situations through no fault of my own. So even if she is very responsible she can’t control the environment around her.

I allowed my dd1 to go on a girls holiday at 17

Also I’d be a bit Hmm at some one who is pushing 20 sleeping with some one that’s barely over the legal age of having sex tbh

I think at 16 girls still need a lot of protecting

Regularsizedrudy · 20/07/2020 13:33

No. It all sounds way too intense for a 16 year old.

TheSunIsStillShining · 20/07/2020 13:41

I don't get some things in this country. Kids from 16 can leave education (sort of) and start working. They can legally move out and start their life. So why not go?
On the other hand, my parents took my boyfriend of the time with us on a week long italy trip and it was great :)

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 20/07/2020 13:50

Its sort of irrelevent how mature she is though, its him youve got to trust

I think shes a bit young.

Theyve only been together a few months, 2 1/2 those hes not even been in the country and 4 of them were lockdown! How long have they actually spent together?

Its also not very serious really is it, she is 16, everything feels serious when you are 16 but the reality is shes a teenager whos been a relationship gor a few months. I also find it a bit concerning you let her stay over/him stay over with that age gap so early on in the relationship

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 20/07/2020 13:55

Not a feckin chance

Moonflower12 · 20/07/2020 14:01

I would say yes as long as you have spoken to the parents/family and are happy with their answers.

missingeu · 20/07/2020 14:03

My mum wouldn't let me do anything at 16..

but she let me go to Brazil to visit a family friend on my own and stay for 6 weeks. It was the most scariest, thrillling and wonderful experience I had in my youth and gave me great indepence. As well as graining a "Brazilian mum".

Speak to her calmy about your fears, and maybe chat with his family about your concerns. As they will probably have thier own concerns as well.

Wilburgh · 20/07/2020 14:06

No way.

And I say this as someone who at 16 had left school, got a job and was renting my own flat four hours away from ‘home’.

My son is 17 and I wouldn’t let him go away like that with a girl, especially at this time. And especially if I hadn’t spoken to her parents.

Climbingallthetrees · 20/07/2020 14:10

It’s Italy and his family will be there. He’s not trying to take her over the Turkish border to Syria. They’re already having sex. I think I’d want to meet his family and see what vibe I got from them. If they’re normal, caring parents and offer reasonable reassurances then I’d consider it. I’d buy her plane ticket and make sure it was a changeable ticket so she can leave if she needs to. Don’t let him control the ticket.

millymollymoomoo · 20/07/2020 14:15

What was your concern OP which made you start a thread? You obviously had one ?

Personally I don’t really see the problem here, ( other than possible small risk that there could be a local lockdown ( as anywhere )).

Other than that it sounds like a lovely trip

milveycrohn · 20/07/2020 14:17

My answer is No.
You have to ask, what would happen if something went wrong. Then she would be in a different country and would have to deal with it.

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 20/07/2020 14:18

I think I'm more relaxed than most - my 16yo ds has just been away for a few days with his 16yo girlfriend (in the UK) and he is flying to Spain (alone) in a couple of weeks to stay with a friend and his family.

I think the difference for me is the age gap and the fact that you don't know the family... it also feels wrong that he's paying for the flights, she/you should be paying so the power balance stays equal and she's not owing anything to him.