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Original poster

Need advice, would you let your 16 yo dd do this?

289 replies

Loopylou6 · 20/07/2020 12:18

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.
Her boyfriend is not English and has gone back to home country for 2 and a half months to visit his other family. Dd had wanted to fly over herself for a week to stay with him, which I said no to. Anyway, shes told me last night that his family are flying over for 10 days to visit him im his home country, and have invited her to go with them, he will pay her plane tickets and she will stay with him in an apartment.
She's desperate to go, but I'm not sure, she's had an extremely rough couple of years through no fault of her own, didn't get to have a prom because of covid etc, and I think it'll be a lovely adventure for her, she gets on well with his family as she spends alot of time at his house.
But she's only 16, altho she's very mature, so i just don't know
WWYD?

OP posts:
ThinkingIsAllowed · 20/07/2020 17:27

I wouldn't let her go

Atadaddicted · 20/07/2020 17:27

Absolutely no
And can’t believe even considering

Atadaddicted · 20/07/2020 17:28

And nothing to do with Covid

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Atadaddicted · 20/07/2020 17:31

@Fanthorpe

** Fanthorpe

Yes, if she’s a savvy girl who can sort things out for herself. If she’s the sort who relies on you for everything then no.

Really doesn’t apply to a 16 year old.

Can’t drive
No money
Unlikely to ever faced a Bona fide challenge whereby expected to sort here self

quantumdog · 20/07/2020 17:31

I'd say yes. I was allowed to do similar things at her age, it's a non issue. They're serious about each other and she's with adults who will oversee the two of them. He's 19, not 29...so I don't get the weird comments about grooming and such. It's a normal age difference and she is above the age of consent.

Atadaddicted · 20/07/2020 17:34

@Vodkacranberryplease

* She will be 100% safe*

WTAF

cuntryclub · 20/07/2020 17:35

Because a 19 year old is a man and a 16 year old a girl. There is a gap in experience which creates a power imbalance. Why would a 19 year old want a girlfriend who isn't even old enough to go to the pub?

So basically it's inappropriate because you decide? Not because there is any law or guideline dictating so?

cuntryclub · 20/07/2020 17:38

Can’t drive
No money
Unlikely to ever faced a Bona fide challenge whereby expected to sort here self

Ok, she can't drive/. That's no big deal. Thousands of grown adults don't drive.

No money? What can't she have money? My DD has plenty when she was 16, hence travelling about the U.K. a lot, but in the case of an emergency surely she could be given some to get her home?

Unlikely to have faced a challenge to sort herself? I genuinely don't understand this. By the time they hit 16 they should be capable of sorting themselves out, even if they also needed to call home for guidance or money or whatever.

SunbathingDragon · 20/07/2020 17:39

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.

A few months is not very long so I don’t agree it can be very serious and considering lockdown, they can’t (or shouldn’t) have been staying overnight regularly. On that basis, no I wouldn’t let her go.

Fiftysixthnamechange · 20/07/2020 17:40

Definetely not after reading 'trafficked' The true story of a young English girl who went to Italy to see her Italian boyfriend and ended up forced into prostitution by him and his family. You don't know these people, you don't know where she'll be staying, you have no proof. Obviously, it's highly unlikely he's going to do that but why would you let your daughter do that at 16?! It's waaaaaay too much.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/07/2020 17:41

She will be 100% safe because It's Italy for gods sake.

That’s what Sophie Hayes thought when she flew out to Italy for a holiday with her boyfriend.

Fanthorpe · 20/07/2020 17:43

@Atadaddicted I’m not speaking hypothetically, I’ve got young adult children so I know what 16 year olds are and should be capable of. Give your children good manners, common sense and confidence and they should be more than capable of negotiating this sort of situation.

If things went wrong I’d go and collect her. My teenagers were flying to places by themselves to meet people, camping with friends, working, volunteering away from home, getting into trouble and then out of it again.

Obviously they’d be given an emergency fund. I’m not sure why they’d need to drive, they’ve got legs and can read a timetable.

But each to their own, you have to assess the risk for yourself. The OP asked for an opinion and I gave it.

Atadaddicted · 20/07/2020 17:50

Would you honestly think that a 16 year old, with a family that she hardly knows and barely speaks English, in a foreign country >2.5 hours by plane away, visiting a 19 year old man that she has been with for a few months is 100% safe?

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/07/2020 17:52

I have been to Italy numerous times (work). I know dozens of Italians and have been to some of their homes. It is more family focused and in many ways more respectable than here. There are a lot less murders especially of young women. A family who live in the uk are unlikely to sell her off into slavery. If they were even Italian and not from a neighbouring country.

If he is from a good family then she is just as safe there as anywhere. All of Italy pretty much closes for August and families decamp to their various holiday places - mums, dads, kids of all ages, grandparents. The older teens all tend to gather to show off and socialise in a safe environment. Compared to the binge drinking and drug taking here it's pretty tame.

I would say she needs to learn Italian and you need to speak to his parents. They will also be keen to know she's a 'nice' girl and will get shocked if you don't talk to them first.

PushyMeez · 20/07/2020 17:53

Absolutely not.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 20/07/2020 17:56

Why would a 19 year old want a girlfriend who isn't even old enough to go to the pub?

Exactly this. My DD and all her friends are 18/19. If one of the lads told them he was going out with a girl who was in yr11, I think they'd all call him a paedo tbh.

There's not a chance I'd let my 16 yr old go to Italy with a 19 yr old man. Maybe I'm a prude but I didn't even let my DD stay overnight at her boyfriend's house at that age either.

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/07/2020 17:58

Ok just checked. Sophie Hayes psychopathic boyfriend was called 'Kas'. Not exactly Mauro or Francesco.. in fact I've never even heard of a Kas. Or any name that could be shortened to that.

Meanwhile uk tv is positivily stuffed with home grown serial killers.

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/07/2020 17:59

Oh snd Italian teens don't go to the pub. Or binge drink. They go for pizza etc.

octobersky19 · 20/07/2020 18:01

Not at all, no. Too young

cuntryclub · 20/07/2020 18:02

My DD and all her friends are 18/19. If one of the lads told them he was going out with a girl who was in yr11, I think they'd all call him a paedo tbh.

That would be really bloody awful of them. I'm not sure why you would use this as a plus point. What a god awful thing to say.

bringbacksideburns · 20/07/2020 18:03

How many months have they been together?
What are the sleeping arrangements? Out of respect for the family she should be in a seperate room. Is she using contraception?

Not every single 16 year old is the same. My daughter was very different to me.

I would consider it. You like the bf and she sounds mature - but I'd have to meet the family first.
But for no longer than a week.

BurtsBeesKnees · 20/07/2020 18:07

At first I thought no, but looking back, I moved out of home and bought a house with my bf at17. You know your dd the best. She sounds mature and Italy would be easy enough to get back from should she need to.

StillWeRise · 20/07/2020 18:16

some very naive people on this thread
in the best case scenario, family are fine and have every intention of looking after your daughter...but she can barely communicate with the adults in the family- what if she is ill or has some other problem and bf is not there?or what if bf IS the problem?
I would test out the best case scenario by telling DD that you will consider it if bf's mum were to contact OP herself and explain what the holiday will entail
however the worst case scenario as outlined by PP would be at the front of my mind and I really don't think I'd let her go
plus, covid

HowFastIsTooFast · 20/07/2020 18:21

Wow some of these comments are wild! I highly doubt that she is going to be trafficked or forced into marriage in Italy for goodness sake, particularly by a family who live and presumably have a home, jobs, a stable life in the UK? It's not like she's met him on the internet and wants to fly out there. Italy is a very different culture to here, two of my best friends are Italy and their teen years were wildly different (in a more civilised and responsible family focused way) to mine.

I went to Spain twice before I was 16, albeit it with school, but largely we were dropped off every day in a new town/city we'd never been to before and just told what time to be back to the pick up point. Hordes of us running round Santander and San Sebastián, none of us with a mobile phone or much experience in foreign cultures. It's a wonder we all survived really Hmm

Only you know your DD (and her BF) OP so ultimately it's down to you and how responsible/savvy you think she is, but she could legally just go anyway, there aren't many airlines that would stop and question a confident 16 year old checking in alone.

IrmaFayLear · 20/07/2020 18:24

Thinking of my Italian family, it would be perhaps ok for someone’s girlfriend to visit, but to hole up in a separate apartment? Italians are quite prudish about their dcs (although of course the dcs get up to all sorts) and I can’t imagine the condoning of sleeping together under the parents’ roof or even off premises. I’m sorry, but they would consider her loose , irregardless of how sexist and outmoded this may be considered here. It’s just how it is still in Italy.