To think why bother anymore

[lasophie]

Without meaning to make this post come across as really miserable (which it's probably going to be) I just can't be bothered anymore.

I have a beautiful baby who was born two months before lockdown.

For those few weeks we had a brief encounter with normality.
We had family visit, I went to a local breastfeeding cafe and had coffee with other mums.
Now that's all been taken away.

I feel like me and my baby have both been robbed of this beautiful future we could've had.

Everything now seems so bleak and I just feel like what's the point.

We see friends once a week for a socially distanced garden meet up or walk but I feel
nervous and edgy whilst we're out, always paranoid about people being to close, or about what i may have touched, it's just no fun.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even feel like eating healthy anymore (which is something I've always done)
I just think why make the effort to look nice and be healthy if our lives are going to have to be like this forever.

I could scream and cry and shout all at the same time at the thought of this new "normal".
I don't want to go out to dinner worrying that I might catch a virus and die.
I love clothes shopping but why would I want to go wearing a mask feeling fearful of what I've touched. What's the point.

I'm due back to work in January and the thought just makes me so sad.
I feel like I'm grieving for this wonderful time I
had planned for my maternity leave.

It has been amazing and my baby is just the best, but I feel like I've not given her the best start because of everything that's going on.

Sorry I know my post is very ranty, but I don't know how people are just so happy to accept this way of life. I'm finding it so hard.

I fell foul of mumsnet when my son was tiny too and yes the comments aren’t that easy to brush off.

OP, your feelings are valid. They may well be a result of PND so please go to your HV/ GP for support. You won't be the first, you won't be the last.

PND can happen anyway, with a trigger or without, and the last 4+ months have been a whopping great big trigger for depression and anxiety for anyone regardless of circumstances.

In the first year of a baby's life they change so rapidly. Mine are school age now and have their own issues, but aren't missing out on whole stages of their development.
The good news is that baby has the most important person for this stage of development- you. So please seek support and you will find perspective and life will get back to something recognisably normal in the not-so-distant future.

It is fine to regret the loss of baby groups, not for baby's wellbeing, but for your support.

I promise you, this is not forever. Things will be normal again. The Spanish flu passed in a few years and this will too, hopefully with far less deaths because of the measures taken. It’s just a matter of when, and it won’t still be a problem when your baby is an adult - I’m sure other things will arise as is life.

I’ve seen loads of mums and babies/toddlers meeting up so it appears other in your position are getting out and enjoying life.

Have a chat with the HV or GP and look for apps and videos on managing anxiety. Mindfulness is good. Create a productive routine to make the most of what is possible. It doesn’t have to be perfect - I sense a touch of perfectionism may be under this and is strongly linked to anxiety. And keep the perspective that lots of us are suffering similar feelings even if others are going through worse. It doesn’t matter the age of the child as they are all losing out, a baby is not going to realise and it will be over before he is able to remember it.

OP - hope you feel better soon.xx

Hi OP. I agree with your wording 'robbed', I had a baby in the NICU for 3 weeks at the start of lockdown and felt robbed of that time and that feeling extended (to a much lesser extent of course) when I got him home and I couldn't see any of my family etc.

There will always be people worse off but it doesn't make your feelings less valid.

I do however feel confident about the future and see the end of lockdown in sight and am happy to go for walks or to a cafe so I do think you should speak to your health visitor about any anxiety/negative feelings you have there. Congratulations on your baby.

As others have said.. This thread, at least the start of it, is bloody horrible and I'm really sorry you had to put up with that.

I get how you are feeling. I have a 6month old too, and a 2.5 year old. I found lockdown horrible and I'm really struggling with my mental health at the moment, but I'm not sure if it's 'enough' to be PND. How do you know?!

I'm lucky now in that as things have lifted, we now go out for park dates, play dates etc regularly, and my toddler goes to nursery one day. However these are all things that I only can do because I made great connections and friends in my eldests first 2 years of life. I'm quite a social person but had no friends in the area I lived at all, and none with kids so my first maternity leave was full of coffee dates and playdates which were such a lifeline.

If you are still reading.. My advice would be to try and get out as much as you feel able to l. Put the baby in the pram and just walk and walk, listen to music and podcasts etc. Try and meet other mums you may have met before, and just walk and chat. The excessive compsumption of biscuits is completely O. K. you're likely not getting anywhere near enough sleep, you might be breastfeeding. In my experience, anyone not eating half a packet of hobnobs regularly in tbe first year of their babies life if very much the exception.

Try looking at the peanut or mush apps to make friends with kids the same age. Please feel free to PM me too.

@Thenosleepclub

As others have said.. This thread, at least the start of it, is bloody horrible and I'm really sorry you had to put up with that.

I get how you are feeling. I have a 6month old too, and a 2.5 year old. I found lockdown horrible and I'm really struggling with my mental health at the moment, but I'm not sure if it's 'enough' to be PND. How do you know?!

I'm lucky now in that as things have lifted, we now go out for park dates, play dates etc regularly, and my toddler goes to nursery one day. However these are all things that I only can do because I made great connections and friends in my eldests first 2 years of life. I'm quite a social person but had no friends in the area I lived at all, and none with kids so my first maternity leave was full of coffee dates and playdates which were such a lifeline.

If you are still reading.. My advice would be to try and get out as much as you feel able to l. Put the baby in the pram and just walk and walk, listen to music and podcasts etc. Try and meet other mums you may have met before, and just walk and chat. The excessive compsumption of biscuits is completely O. K. you're likely not getting anywhere near enough sleep, you might be breastfeeding. In my experience, anyone not eating half a packet of hobnobs regularly in tbe first year of their babies life if very much the exception.

Try looking at the peanut or mush apps to make friends with kids the same age. Please feel free to PM me too.

If you are worried about your MH please speak to a professional and get checked out - the sooner you speak to someone the quicker you can be helped. With PND, I am a firm believer of a stitch in time.

@Fournaans

I suggest you seek some therapy, possibly a unique form of intensive therapy for people who are Fucking Rude. May you have to pay an extraordinary amount for it too. If you've got nothing positive to say perhaps, ya know, fuck off???

*@Ticketyboop she had the baby 2 months before lockdown so she’s probably 6 months or so now. Hardly ‘just had a baby’

Six months was when my PND started. I had all the appearances of coping inside I was falling to pieces. Admitting how I felt was hard - not easy when people dismiss how you feel and tell you to grow up or pull yourself together - you already feel like you are failing you baby, you don't need to be told that your sadness is ridiculous by anyone!

Op even if you start talking about this with someone you trust it will help. I'm sorry that a website like MN, which should be supportive was so awful to you - it is not your fault.

but I'm not sure if it's 'enough' to be PND. How do you know?!

You know by being assessed by a mental health professional. Please do.

You sound as if you're having a tough time.
Giving birth and having a tiny baby during a global pandemic with all the restrictions that has brought couldn't have been imagined by anyone.

Please remember, this time is for you and your baby to bond. Your baby doesn't know about all the plans you made - they won't remember any of this, but you're being able to give your baby the absolute best start by being there and loving them.

Also, I found most mother and baby groups pretty awful - horrendous competitive behaviour. Only went to 2 for about a month then realised I was much happier doing my own thing.

God mumsnet is a nasty nest of vipers sometimes. Certainly could never be described as particularly supportive, that's for sure.

Hope you're okay OP, life can feel isolating and completely upturned with a newborn at the best of times. I wish I could send you a big hug and try to reassure you, that it will be okay and you'll come through this and you're beautiful baby will be fine. Try to take one day at a time rather than looking too hard at the future or mourning the moments you feel you've missed out on. Try to take more pleasure from more simple things such as going for a summer walk with your baby. Some of the fondest memories I have of my babies was walks with just me and them! Sending you