To think why bother anymore

[lasophie]

Without meaning to make this post come across as really miserable (which it's probably going to be) I just can't be bothered anymore.

I have a beautiful baby who was born two months before lockdown.

For those few weeks we had a brief encounter with normality.
We had family visit, I went to a local breastfeeding cafe and had coffee with other mums.
Now that's all been taken away.

I feel like me and my baby have both been robbed of this beautiful future we could've had.

Everything now seems so bleak and I just feel like what's the point.

We see friends once a week for a socially distanced garden meet up or walk but I feel
nervous and edgy whilst we're out, always paranoid about people being to close, or about what i may have touched, it's just no fun.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even feel like eating healthy anymore (which is something I've always done)
I just think why make the effort to look nice and be healthy if our lives are going to have to be like this forever.

I could scream and cry and shout all at the same time at the thought of this new "normal".
I don't want to go out to dinner worrying that I might catch a virus and die.
I love clothes shopping but why would I want to go wearing a mask feeling fearful of what I've touched. What's the point.

I'm due back to work in January and the thought just makes me so sad.
I feel like I'm grieving for this wonderful time I
had planned for my maternity leave.

It has been amazing and my baby is just the best, but I feel like I've not given her the best start because of everything that's going on.

Sorry I know my post is very ranty, but I don't know how people are just so happy to accept this way of life. I'm finding it so hard.

Why are people being so nasty? This is a first-time mum in the middle of a global fooking pandemic who's struggling with health anxiety, ffs. Please don't think that everyone on here is judging you harshly, OP. I hope you get some help and find a way to navigate the current normal more healthily.

Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with people?

The OP is struggling. Would you respond that way to a friend, or to your children when they are adults? If you would, you’re a cunt.

Everyone has unique challenges, OP. Yours are no less valid than anyone else’s. I can’t say much to help you, but you’re not alone.

Normally I'd say that counting your blessings, reading accounts of survial from people who've been through much worse and positive meditation is the way to go. But I also think that thos could be PND and you are at the point where you need to ask for help.

Crikey, there are some nasty pieces of work on here this morning. They should take their bitch fest elsewhere.

OP has recently had a baby and could possibly be suffering from Post Natal Depression. Things can feel very overwhelming and isolating when you have recently had a baby, especially if it is a first baby. I know I struggled big time and the language I would have used to describe it at the time would probably have reflected that.

OP, chat with your GP and Health Visitor about the way you are feeling. You may be becoming depressed. You certainly aren't alone. I was much the same when I had DD1 25 years ago now. There wasn't even a pandemic or lockdown that I could have blamed then either, and I am sure that those issues today help no-one.

Get out for a little while each day with your baby and try to enjoy the time you have now. Getting out and about regularly was what helped keep me sane.

Things will return to normal. Slowly but surely. In a few months time we could be in a very different situation from today, and I think that there is a limit to how much of this "new normal" people are really going to take over the longer term. It will be a slowish process though. Rome was not built in a day.

Enjoy your beautiful baby. Ignore the arses on here.

There are always people worse off, OP but this doesn't negate your feelings or make them any less valid.

What’s the HV going to do? Cancel the pandemic for you?

@Fournaans, can I suggest a hobby that isn’t picking on strangers who are finding things difficult, but preferably not one relying on reading comprehension. As another poster has pointed out, some of OP’s current feelings and behaviours she’s describing are markers for PND, and should certainly be investigated by her HV.

OP, I get what you mean, particularly if you had really strong ideas for how you wanted to spend your mat leave. The current situation is rubbish - my SIL is in your situation and I know she’s sad for all the things she had planned that can’t happen now.

A coupe of reassurances. First, all that stuff is for you and will make little to no difference to your baby. And it’s just fine that it’s for you and it’s ok to be sad about losing it! But don’t worry about your baby missing out. She’s got you. She’s all good.

And second, this will end. It feels fucking interminable now, but there will be an end point, even if none of us know what it is yet. Other countries only a little ahead of us are closer to normal - we’re going on holiday abroad next month and the swimming pools and activities are open, restaurants running, and larger groups allowed.

But - I think you do need help with some of your feelings, some of which do sound like you’re teetering on the edge of depression, and to be able to put the current minuscule Covid risks to you and your baby into perspective. One of the bright shining lights of this shitshow for me is how well protected our children - and even babies - seem to be from the virus. It both makes my life easier and less stressful, and gives me hope that there may well be an immune response or transmission mechanism to this thing that our kids have in spades, and that may be able to be synthesised for the adult population.

Some of you really are such absolute fucking heartless bitches. What a way to speak to someone who sounds very much like she has postnatal depression. Shame on you.

Sometimes I wonder how the average person would cope with my life. The very same people that judge me for not being able to work or be a 'normal' person. Some people don't know they are born. Currently i'm just trying to walk to the local shop via exposure therapy without having urges and intrusive thoughts to run infront of the cars.

Feel exactly the same OP.

I feel suffocated and like I am a hostage in my own life.

All the things I planned to do, want to do and need to do for my health and sanity have been stopped, restricted or changed to have any joy sucked out of them.

I have two DC under 5 who are bewildered, bored and emotional because they don’t understand the changes to their lives, nor why the adults around them are hesitant and tense.

I have parents who have aged 10 years since lockdown and both are thin, frail, pale and their minds wandered from isolation and lack of stimulation and activity.

I look around and see half the people I know are on a beach in Spain and the other half are bringing 2m skipping ropes to our outdoor meetings So that everyone knows exactly how far to stay away from each other.

I see a government trying to push through huge changes to our education, financial and economic landscapes that ordinarily would require a longer and more democratic process to implement. Socialism through the back door.

I see people around me suffering immensely. Two with serious and aggressive cancers that need active treatment right now to halt the march.

Three suicides have rocked our social circle since lockdown. One was a teenage child of a friend.

It’s absolutely desperately tragic and our lives are seemingly in the palms of bumbling politicians who have seized our civil liberties and removed free thinking and freedom of speech.

Where is all this going? It’s just hard to believe we are where we are.

Watch out for possible PND or general depression, OP. On Friday a new mum posted on this subject and thankfully did not get any "just get a grip" comments or swearing. You've been a bit unlucky; the attitudes expressed here are not typical of the kind of response given here when a new mum talks about everything feeling pointless or the future being bleak. Don't let these comments depress you further.

OP you are allowed to grieve for the maternity leave you hoped for but never had and to find things hard. It is ok though to leave the house and socialise in a socially distant way. Hope things improve for you soon.

@Fournaans

What’s the HV going to do? Cancel the pandemic for you?

What a cuntish remark. Health Visitors are amongst the professionals who advise in times of difficulty and if PND is suspected.

Some real pricks on this thread - hope it made you feel better to attack a woman who has just had a baby. I know who I think needs to give their heads a wobble.
Op I'm sorry you cam on here for support, having a baby can feel very isolating at the best of times, nevermind have to go through it with social isolating rules. Take each day as it comes - and maybe have a chat with your HV or GP if you continue to feel a bit overwhelmed.

Op, ignore the nastiness. They’ll get bored soon.
Be kinder to yourself, speak to your GP or HV about possibly postnatal depression. Having a baby is hard enough, I’m not sure how I would have coped if mine were tiny now. You are all that your baby needs right now and you can do this.

@thepeopleversuswork

I don't want to be harsh: you've just had a baby and clearly its been an awful time to be dealing with a newborn. I do sympathise.

But you do come across as massively catastrophising what's happened. You haven't been "deprived of a beautiful future", you've had a less than optimal start to your baby's life. Which your baby won't remember and which you will come through. You have a healthy child and things will get back to normal. In the scheme of things, missing out on a few breastfeeding coffee mornings isn't going to make any difference.

I'm assuming you don't have PND: if you think you have then you should seek help. Otherwise, I think you need to pull yourself together a bit.

News for you - you've been harsh, I know you didn't want to, maybe you need to try harder!

As hard as this may be to do, please, take the kindness and support you have received on this thread and ignore the unhelpful and unkind comments. Your baby was weeks old when this all happened and it must have felt like a sucker punch. It's hard to find your feet with a baby as it is, but with this uncertainty on top it must be very overwhelming. Maybe have a talk to your GP. There's no shame in getting extra help. If you broke your leg, you'd wear a cast, in the same way, if you're struggling to cope, ask for a bit support in whatever form. Please take care and be kind to yourself.

I don’t know if as a society we now expect too much. For me as someone with fertility issues the dream is having a healthy baby. For those who don’t struggle to conceive it seems like they assume they should get a healthy baby, a natural birth, heading shopping with baby sleeping in the prawn peacefully, outings and day trips and meeting other new mums for fun and chats and making baby friends for their babies, baby swimming where their baby Frolicked in the water happily etc.

My good friend recently had her second healthy baby. She said it was her ‘worse nightmare come true’ as her lovely baby came a week early via c section. Personally I find that ridiculous.

I do think people need to lower their expectations a bit and be more grateful for what they have. If expectations weren’t so high (and dare I say unrealistic) it might not be as bad if they don’t materialise.

What you dont realise OP is maternity leave is never like you expect it. I do think you sound a bit depressed but you also sound like you had an unrealistic vision of what maternity leave might be like. Taking babies swimming is a relatively recent thing, our own mothers never did it with us!

I've been on my second mat leave through this and actually it's not been that different.

Your baby doesnt give a shit about any of the following

• baby groups
• cafes
• other babies

Until a baby is at least 1 they really are blissfully unaware of any of this stuff. They just want mummy and her keys and her mobile phone.

Baby groups are for you, not your baby. Yes, it is quite boring but lots of mums find their baby screams through baby massage so they jack it in, or their baby never bloody sleeps at night so they are too tired to meet friends for coffee. Makeup/appearance was the last thing on my mind in either mat leave.

It wont be forever, swimming pools are reopening so you can take your baby swimming if you want to, cafes are open, you can meet friends in parks. Try to see the positives - you are alive and well and things are getting better.

OP things will go back to normal. It may take six months, it may take a year, it might, god forbid, be two years. But its not going to take over the rest of your DC's natural life.

I totally understand that its stressful and awful right now but you do for your own sanity need to start to put things into perspective. I don't want to trivialise but you do have a healthy child. I am currently working 10 hours a day with my DD at home playing Minecraft, unable to do any homeschooling or domestic work, let alone go and and actually do anything. It's shit and I feel rotten about it a lot. But I can (usually) see that this isn't going to be forever.

Separately, someone else was right to flag that your reaction to this is with sympathy quite disproportionate and it suggests you may be struggling. I do think you should talk to a HV or GP urgently to get some support.

Well, you haven't been robbed of a future - that's just hysterical.

But I do sympathise that your maternity leave has been largely ruined. Yes, that you and your baby are healthy is the important thing, but if you're restricted and not really able to socialise, I'll bet it's a pretty miserable time. I spent my maternity leaves doing as much socialising as I could because I found sitting alone at home breastfeeding really boring.

I too had a baby in lockdown and tbh, we are making the most of it

Sitting on the sofa eating hobnobs and watching films isn’t all bad you know

Otherwise, we are spending loads of time out with our NCT group - doing walks, meeting in parks, spending time doing baby sensory at a distance, we have got a PT we see. Then we are also seeing people too - just texting beforehand to say we only feel comfortable meeting outside, at a distance of 2 metres and no one to hold the baby.

It’s tough not seeing our parents as much but really isn’t all bad.

Radioheadrestart

Get off your high horse, will you? My comment was pretty gentle by the standards of some here. I've tried to cushion this as far as possible and acknowledged that the OP is struggling.

But talking about "being deprived of their beautiful future" is pretty melodramatic stuff. It suggests that the OP may be depressed, in which case she needs to seek help. If not its time for a wee bit of a wake-up call. She's had a tough start and will struggle for the next few months but its not the end of the world and she needs to realise that things will improve.

You are allowed to feel how you feel @lasophie but you also have to accept that people are allowed to disagree.

We have ALL lost a lot in recent times (and I am not talking about people who have lost loved ones to CV:19).

My kids have lost 35% of this years school education, they will have been out of the classroom for 6 months when (if) they return in September. My disabled toddler has lost all of her usual services (physio, speech therapy, SEN placement). I have been WFH and managing 3 kids.

No-one has been having a fun or easy time!!!

I am in a very similar position. My baby was 3 weeks old when lockdown started so all plans of being surrounded by family/friends, baby groups and coffee outings were suddenly off the table. I was very sad and angry at the situation. Since then, I have tried to reframe it in my mind. I am not having a bad experience, just a different experience to what I imagined. I also try to find the positives - my husband has been WFH the whole time so has spent every day with me and baby. He would of only had 2 weeks at home in normal times. There has been no pressure to have any routine or live by a timetable of activities so I can follow baby’s lead of when she sleeps/feeds etc. I have been able to get the hang of breastfeeding without worrying about having to be discreet or visitors being embarrassed by bare boobs. I am being the best mum to my baby by being with her and tending to her needs. We don’t been baby yoga to do that!

We are now starting to meet with friends and family and I have a group of mums from antenatal group which I have been able to share my worries and frustrations with.

So I do sympathise with the loss of planned experience, but if you can try to change how you think and feel about it, it might make it easier

"You've commented once. You're not here to help or offer advice - move on"
OP, you have come and asked whether you are unreasonable to think why bother anymore. I can't see where you have asked for advice.
I think the PP and several others are just pointing out your terminology is OTT, catastrophising which is true. You are either really struggling mentally and need to contact your GP for help or are being extremely melodramatic. Without knowing you, it is difficult to know which it is.

What do you actually want advice about?

From your very negative post, my advice would be:

1. Speak to your GP, in case you are suffering post-natal depression.
2. Think about your terminology and what you wish to convey. Stating "Everything now seems so bleak and I just feel like what's the point.". What's the point in what? Are you really thinking what's the point of living? If so, refer to point 1 above, otherwise properly explain your meaning or moderate your terminology.
3. Cafes were allowed to open from 4th July. We can mix with up to 6 people from 6 different households. Have you contaced the other mums and the breastfeeding cafe (whatever that is) to see if a meet up is possible now?
4. Things aren't going to be like this forever.
5. Think about who you usually make the effort to look nice for. It shouldn't be for others, it should be for yourself. (No-one else really cares that much about your appearance).
6. Why can't you be bothered to be healthy if you are so paranoid about catching the virus? The healthier you are, the higher the chances of surviving it if you do catch it. The healthier you are, the better position you are in to cope with the pressures of motherhood.
7. How does all your OTT terminology fit in with "It has been amazing"?

I hope you can find some way of coping. Things aren't going to be like this forever but they will be for quite a while. We can't control what happens but we can control how we respond to it.