To think why bother anymore

[lasophie]

Without meaning to make this post come across as really miserable (which it's probably going to be) I just can't be bothered anymore.

I have a beautiful baby who was born two months before lockdown.

For those few weeks we had a brief encounter with normality.
We had family visit, I went to a local breastfeeding cafe and had coffee with other mums.
Now that's all been taken away.

I feel like me and my baby have both been robbed of this beautiful future we could've had.

Everything now seems so bleak and I just feel like what's the point.

We see friends once a week for a socially distanced garden meet up or walk but I feel
nervous and edgy whilst we're out, always paranoid about people being to close, or about what i may have touched, it's just no fun.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even feel like eating healthy anymore (which is something I've always done)
I just think why make the effort to look nice and be healthy if our lives are going to have to be like this forever.

I could scream and cry and shout all at the same time at the thought of this new "normal".
I don't want to go out to dinner worrying that I might catch a virus and die.
I love clothes shopping but why would I want to go wearing a mask feeling fearful of what I've touched. What's the point.

I'm due back to work in January and the thought just makes me so sad.
I feel like I'm grieving for this wonderful time I
had planned for my maternity leave.

It has been amazing and my baby is just the best, but I feel like I've not given her the best start because of everything that's going on.

Sorry I know my post is very ranty, but I don't know how people are just so happy to accept this way of life. I'm finding it so hard.

@thepeopleversuswork

Radioheadrestart

Get off your high horse, will you? My comment was pretty gentle by the standards of some here. I've tried to cushion this as far as possible and acknowledged that the OP is struggling.

But talking about "being deprived of their beautiful future" is pretty melodramatic stuff. It suggests that the OP may be depressed, in which case she needs to seek help. If not its time for a wee bit of a wake-up call. She's had a tough start and will struggle for the next few months but its not the end of the world and she needs to realise that things will improve.

But talking about "being deprived of their beautiful future" is pretty melodramatic stuff. It suggests that the OP may be depressed, in which case she needs to seek help. If not its time for a wee bit of a wake-up call. She's had a tough start and will struggle for the next few months but its not the end of the world and she needs to realise that things will improve.

But this is really how I feel. I never thought my feelings were "melodramatic".
I just don't honestly see an end to this current situation.

WOW what a bunch of nasty vipers.

Your feelings are completely valid op. Everyone has had to cope with their lives being different, why are you feelings any less valid just because people clearly think being sad about your maternity leave is trivial? I can really imagine the disappointment of not being able to enjoy maternity leave the way you planned and hoped to. You only get this opportunity once with your baby! It’s not like you could postpone it is it.

I had a baby just before lockdown. After a very very long time going through fertility treatment and thinking I'd never conceive. Guess what? It was still very difficult, and I did become depressed. Recovery was hard, sleep deprivation was hard, the inability to leave the house made it much much harder.

I really don't understand all the 'well I just wish I had a baby so be happy'. Op isn't happy, she's a new mum, dealing with a pandemic, health anxiety, overwhelmed and feeling depressed.

Speak to your gp. They will be much more helpful than the 'be kind but only on Facebook on a meme' mob on this thread.

@thepeopleversuswork

Radioheadrestart

Get off your high horse, will you? My comment was pretty gentle by the standards of some here. I've tried to cushion this as far as possible and acknowledged that the OP is struggling.

But talking about "being deprived of their beautiful future" is pretty melodramatic stuff. It suggests that the OP may be depressed, in which case she needs to seek help. If not its time for a wee bit of a wake-up call. She's had a tough start and will struggle for the next few months but its not the end of the world and she needs to realise that things will improve.

Which bit of advice to take - either your ill or you're being ridiculous - you're a great help!

*I don't want to be harsh: you've just had a baby and clearly its been an awful time to be dealing with a newborn. I do sympathise.

But you do come across as massively catastrophising what's happened. You haven't been "deprived of a beautiful future", you've had a less than optimal start to your baby's life. Which your baby won't remember and which you will come through. You have a healthy child and things will get back to normal. In the scheme of things, missing out on a few breastfeeding coffee mornings isn't going to make any difference.

I'm assuming you don't have PND: if you think you have then you should seek help. Otherwise, I think you need to pull yourself together a bit.*

Exactly this. This is not harsh, it's realistic. Taking into consideration the PPs who have lost babies in the same time it's highly insensitive for OP to be catastrophising, never mind the scores of MNetters who struggle with infertility. This is AIBU, you don't post here without knowing you might get negative answers. In the absence of PND I think YABU.

"I don't want my baby to grow up in a world where she can't even go to swimming lessons and splash in a pool as the baby swimming we had planned is now so full of restrictions and it sounds absolutely no fun."
Are you sure the restrictions can't be coped with? It is good for babies to learn to swim as early as possible. You might not think it is fun but your baby may love it.

Fournaans

You sound like a bit of a twat.

I feel like me and my baby have both been robbed of this beautiful future we could've had'

You haven’t been robbed. You can still have a fantastic time with your baby. Yes it’s a little different but it’s not like you’ve been robbed of your child.
You do sound very depressed OP maybe a trip to the doctors is in order.

And going off some of the stuff you said in your op and your thread title, I think you may be feeling a little bit depressed? Would a chat with your GP or health visitor help?
I don’t mean that to sound patronising, I’m just trying to help.

OP I have no idea why there are some real arseholes responding to you in such a harsh way. I also don't see the point in people telling you 'oh I've had a miscarriage so you should be grateful for what you have'. Bollocks. Should people with cancer not complain because they aren't actually dead yet? FFS.

Anyway, I understand that you had an idea of Mat Leave in your head, and unfortunately it hasn't panned out that way. It's really bloody hard with a new baby at the best of times, and it sounds like you might need to think about whether you have PND. You might not, you might just be a tired, worn out new mum. All I can suggest is, try and get out each day, even just for a walk. Eat healthily, if not for your sake then for your LO. Are you breast feeding? Even if not, you need to look after yourself and it will make you feel better.

Maybe try looking at things a bit differently too. In many ways it is crap being stucj at home, but in other ways it's nice that life is less busy and if you want to snuggle up with your LO all day then you can do that.

Have you looked for any online baby classes? I've seen a few advertised, for baby massage and things like that. Maybe you could do a couple of those to give a bit of structure to your day?

thepeopleversuswork nailed it. Supportive and kind, whilst pointing out that the OP is in fact being fairly melodramatic and catastrophising

Definitely speak to your HV, she (unlike some of the more unkind posters on this thread) is actually trained to assess whether you may have PND or PNA (post-natal anxiety, also very common) and to help you access support if needed.

Do you have friends in your area you could meet up with? Are any of the baby groups like Hartbeeps or Baby Sensory doing online versions? Are there any online coffee mornings you could join? Local Facebook groups seem to be good for advertising this kind of thing.

Oh, and you’re not alone. My baby is the same age as yours and I was really looking forward to my maternity leave so I certainly identify with some of your feelings. But a pp is quite right: this will affect you far more than your baby. I remind myself that mine is lucky as he has a noisy and entertaining older sibling to watch!

The playgrounds are open near me too - is your baby ready for a first swing?

@lasophie

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and that you’ve got so many horrible comments.

My biggest advice to you is get of Mumsnet... I’ve decided I’m going to do that from today. It’s just full of bitchy unhelpful people, yes not everyone, but too many! Leave MN and don’t come back!

Could you meet more friends social
Distanced In gardens so you don’t have to worry about randomers coming close.
When I’m out and touch something like a gate handle I think lots of people have touched I put some alcohol Hand gel on my hands.

Don’t forget if you’re outside the chance of catching it are very very low and even if you do you are more than likely will recover.

I feel for you having a baby at this time. My sister had one during lockdown and she said she doesn’t mind it as she’s not got FOMO and knows all her friends aren’t out having fun while she’s at home breastfeeding!!

I've been on MN a very long time, but even I'm pretty shocked at some of the posts on this thread. Despicable.

OP, you're entitled to feel how you do, I think it's totally understandable. Please reach out and get some help though if you think you might have PND.

Jeez this thread is the pits. So much vitriol.

OP can feel how she want, it’s only natural in these times to feel this way. Yes everyone is in a similar boat but why does that mean that OP can’t vent. I haven’t had a wedding cancelled like people I know or had many inconveniences due to this virus but I’ve gone through days when I’ve cried and been down - we are all getting used to our lives being different at the moment and 1 person’s feelings is just as valid as another’s.

I do wonder whether the posters posting nasty replies would say the same if OP was someone they knew in real life and were talking to them face to face. My guess is no, because everyone is emboldened to be a dick behind a keyboard.

I understand. My LB was 4 months when we went into lockdown. He's had an amazing time with both of at home with him 24/7. The bond he has with DH is amazing and this is thanks to lockdown, however, I feel robbed of opportunities we should have had, music classes, swimming lessons, play dates. He's barely met anyone from my family as we live all over the country. But remember our babies won't remember this, life adapts and change, so when they remember it's going to be so different from what we are living through.

@laughingandcrying women who have had fertility struggles are more prone to PND. I hope you have been getting some help and things are getting easier.

I take your point re what I said about having a baby. I suppose the question is would you prefer to still be mired in fertility struggles with no end in sight or to be where you are now struggling but hopefully temporarily and with a baby.

Radioheadrestart

Sorry, I don't know why you've identified me in particular among the gamut of fairly direct comments here, but I'll bite:

The comment about being "robbed of a beautiful future" is by any standard, a mahoosive exaggeration. People who have died in their 30s from COVID or have lost good jobs have been "robbed of a beautiful future". Someone who's not able to go to any organised mother and baby networking events has not been robbed of a beautiful future.
She is going to have a slightly depressing start to her baby's life and will be restricted in the support she will get, but she has not been "robbed of a beautiful future". Let's call a spade a spade.

It's totally understandable that she may feel like this now. But she also has to realise that framing it in this way is disproportionate, not healthy, not helpful to her own mental health or to her baby's start in life. If she genuinely experiences it like this and is unable to shake this on her own then she should seek professional help. If not, it may help her to step back and get a bit of perspective.

We are not doing her any favours by saying "yes, its so awful, your baby's future has been stolen by COVID."

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

*From your very negative post, my advice would be:

1. Speak to your GP, in case you are suffering post-natal depression.
2. Think about your terminology and what you wish to convey. Stating "Everything now seems so bleak and I just feel like what's the point.". What's the point in what? Are you really thinking what's the point of living? If so, refer to point 1 above, otherwise properly explain your meaning or moderate your terminology.
3. Cafes were allowed to open from 4th July. We can mix with up to 6 people from 6 different households. Have you contaced the other mums and the breastfeeding cafe (whatever that is) to see if a meet up is possible now?
4. Things aren't going to be like this forever.
5. Think about who you usually make the effort to look nice for. It shouldn't be for others, it should be for yourself. (No-one else really cares that much about your appearance).
6. Why can't you be bothered to be healthy if you are so paranoid about catching the virus? The healthier you are, the higher the chances of surviving it if you do catch it. The healthier you are, the better position you are in to cope with the pressures of motherhood.
7. How does all your OTT terminology fit in with "It has been amazing"?

I hope you can find some way of coping. Things aren't going to be like this forever but they will be for quite a while. We can't control what happens but we can control how we respond to it.*

1- Well perhaps the GP will just tell me I'm being melodramatic.

2- Everything does seem bleak.
I have a beautiful baby and I feel guilt that I can't give her the life I wanted her to have.

3- The BF cafe is a mum & baby group and isn't allowed to open and at the minute I'm
most comfortable with outdoor meet ups.

4 - You don't know this- no one does!!

5- I can't really be bothered making the effort for myself.

6- Because eating a pack of biscuits with my cup of tea makes me feel so much better and comforted than an apple.

7- My baby's beautiful smile, laugh, giggle, her personality, cuddles, watching her play. They're all amazing and I love being her mummy.

Good heavens, what nastiness on this thread? And what lack of sensitivity and understanding! I am both a mental health professional and someone who suffered from PND (and you CAN be suffering from PND when the baby is six months old, mine kicked in at about four months and lasted more than a year, also partly fuelled by exteranl circumstances beyond my control which increased anxiety, not a pandemic obv, but a big personal stress). The OP is very likely to be suffering from PND, by her description. She needs proper help, and support and encouragement to get it. Everything she desceribes, including what is being characteristed as "catastrophising", are symptoms of depression.

OP please urgently your HV and/or GP and mention that you feel you may be suffering from PND. It is treatable and you will get better.

I would think it’s really normal to feel sadness for what we’ve lost during lockdown.
And healthy to express it.

I don’t understand why folk get upset by that.

OP, of course you are entitled to feel the way you do. We are all owners of our feelings. They are there and part of us. The question is why we feel this way.

Something you seem to hold to is a hang on to what you call normality and the anxiety of feeling to have loss a sense of normality is often a sign that people have had little experience of coping with change in their life.

Its a huge luxury in life to never or rarely had to adapt to change, which is great, but it means that it comes as huge chock and stress when you are faced with a change most people just accept.

In light of things, what you are struggling with is quite insignificant, hence getting a bit of lashing here, but clearly huge for you.

In away, it is helping you realise that there are many things we can't control but that we can make the most of what situation we can't control or imagined it would be.

You are in many ways very fortunate and it's just a question of changing your mindset, and not comparing your life with what it could have been if everything was as it was but what could have been if circumstances were much worse.

Just to point out. I wasn't sure where to post this. Sorry it's not in the right category.

I think I will log out and never return.

Thanks for the move comments, but in my current frame of mind I'm more hung up on the negative ones.

Guess I'm just melodramatic and shouldn't moan about feeling like giving up because there are people who don't have babies.

Sorry about that, I really really am.
But I can't just forget how I'm feeling because of what others are experiencing.

I understand what you mean, what you envisioned this time to be is not what it is.

Acceptance is the key here, once you move past grieving for what you 'lost' and accept that this is the new normal you will be able to see the other opportunities that there will be in life.

We are in Aus so still fairly free but even I feel sad that my 3 year old is not getting the same experiences as my eldest, so no playgroup, no mainly music, no story time at the library, no seeing any other children apart from our eldest etc and every day he asks for these things and it hurts that he has lost them all with no chance of them coming back in the near future.

Try not to let it get you, if you are feeling really crappy, reach out to friends or a help line and perhaps seek some counselling as this time post partum can be hard at the best of times but even harder at the moment.