To think why bother anymore

[lasophie]

Without meaning to make this post come across as really miserable (which it's probably going to be) I just can't be bothered anymore.

I have a beautiful baby who was born two months before lockdown.

For those few weeks we had a brief encounter with normality.
We had family visit, I went to a local breastfeeding cafe and had coffee with other mums.
Now that's all been taken away.

I feel like me and my baby have both been robbed of this beautiful future we could've had.

Everything now seems so bleak and I just feel like what's the point.

We see friends once a week for a socially distanced garden meet up or walk but I feel
nervous and edgy whilst we're out, always paranoid about people being to close, or about what i may have touched, it's just no fun.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even feel like eating healthy anymore (which is something I've always done)
I just think why make the effort to look nice and be healthy if our lives are going to have to be like this forever.

I could scream and cry and shout all at the same time at the thought of this new "normal".
I don't want to go out to dinner worrying that I might catch a virus and die.
I love clothes shopping but why would I want to go wearing a mask feeling fearful of what I've touched. What's the point.

I'm due back to work in January and the thought just makes me so sad.
I feel like I'm grieving for this wonderful time I
had planned for my maternity leave.

It has been amazing and my baby is just the best, but I feel like I've not given her the best start because of everything that's going on.

Sorry I know my post is very ranty, but I don't know how people are just so happy to accept this way of life. I'm finding it so hard.

You are completely right to feel this way, who wants to have a baby in the middle of a pandemic of all things! I don't blame you at all for being upset, worried and deprived of what should have been a very very happy time.

I would be worried sick about my baby for sure with covid as a backdrop, new mothers always feel naturally very protective and a killer virus in the mix as well, it is not surprising that you might feel even more worried than usual. Who wouldn't feel very stressed by this!

You are both almost certainly going to be completely fine, and additionally your baby will not even remember this time, it will make almost no impact at all (the same can not be said for older children I have to say) Your baby only needs you to be there, and to be close to parents - they need nothing more than your love and security, so from that point of view I would give it no further thought.

However new mothers need support, the baby groups and clubs are so helpful to many and not possible currently, and this is where the focus needs to be. Making sure you are feeling supported and cared for. Can you run a garden baby club yourself with friends, I know you said you feel nervous being out, but maybe you would be all much more relaxed in a private setting. I would aim to continue your walks, and have people over to your house in the garden, so everything feels contained. Try to organise day trips with dh/dp or family members to empty national trust gardens with picnics that are quieter - Mondays for instance.

I think you can make this time just as magical, with some imagination and by letting go of what could have been, and focusing on the possibilities instead. Hopefully things will continue to improve and everything will be back up and running by August.

All those who were so rude, you should be ashamed of yourselves. A new mum, clearly stressed , anxious and low came on here for support and was assassinated. This was her ask for help, you are partly responsible if she comes to any self harm.

What she is struggling with is NOT insignificant. It is a serious mental disorder which needs urgent treatment.

OP, you will get better, but you need to get proper help now. You are not being melodramatic, you are not well right now, with a serious and real but very treateable condition (which is clearly, judging by this thread, very poorly understood, even on a furum comprising largely of mothers, which is surprising to me, and just another example of the simultaneous trivialisation and demonisation of mental disorders in general).

OP I’m going through fertility issues at the moment and I 100% feel you have every right to vent and state how you’re feeling at the moment with your baby.

Whataboutism is everywhere at the moment and if you listened to this, you’d never be able to discuss anything negative or worrisome in your life. There would be that one person always saying, “well there are children dying in Africa so I’m afraid you can’t moan about anything.”

Please don’t take these comments to heart, they’re born of keyboard warriors and the majority of people in real life would be sympathetic and understanding.

these are for you!

I get it Op. I understand how and why you’re feeling this way.What I don’t understand is all this nastiness directed to someone who needs some support. Lockdown is hard and anxiety inducing. Plus the anxiety that can come with a new baby to care for. Factor in the Feelings of loss for all those for plans you had during that small window of maternity leave. I think confiding in your HV is a good start as they may have seen this with lots of new mums during lockdown.

Echo @hellomissus

I'm guessing a lot, if not all, of the people posting nasty comments here aren't in your situation, so they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about, so don't pay them any mind. I am in your situation (although baby born post lockdown so we never got any 'normal' time) and I feel the same as you. It's miserable and very, very intense. No help from family or friends, very little professional support, minimal socialising, feeling very isolated and anxious about the pandemic. It's really tough.

Personally, I try to get outside for some fresh air at least once a day. It's not exciting, or anything like what I thought mat leave might be like, but if you focus on whatever brightness you can find in each day, it feels more manageable.

You've every right to feel upset and angry, I do. Make sure you keep talking to people in your life about how you feel. It will get better.

Taking into consideration the PPs who have lost babies in the same time it's highly insensitive for OP to be catastrophising, never mind the scores of MNetters who struggle with infertility

This comment is awful. Op, please ignore it. Yes, worse things have happened to people, but that doesn’t mean op can’t vent. As for catastrophising, that tends to happen when you’re in the grip of pnd, or dealing with depression or anxiety. As in, the way she’s thinking right now is out of her control. Why on earth would you chastise the op for that? It’s not bloody “highly insensitive”, it’s the way she’s feeling if her brain chemistry is out of whack.

Op, some of what you’re saying sounds exactly like I felt when I had pnd. I didn’t get help and had a full on nervous breakdown. Went to the gp, got some medication which really helped and now I’m relatively normal

@thepeopleversuswork

Radioheadrestart

Sorry, I don't know why you've identified me in particular among the gamut of fairly direct comments here, but I'll bite:

The comment about being "robbed of a beautiful future" is by any standard, a mahoosive exaggeration. People who have died in their 30s from COVID or have lost good jobs have been "robbed of a beautiful future". Someone who's not able to go to any organised mother and baby networking events has not been robbed of a beautiful future.
She is going to have a slightly depressing start to her baby's life and will be restricted in the support she will get, but she has not been "robbed of a beautiful future". Let's call a spade a spade.

It's totally understandable that she may feel like this now. But she also has to realise that framing it in this way is disproportionate, not healthy, not helpful to her own mental health or to her baby's start in life. If she genuinely experiences it like this and is unable to shake this on her own then she should seek professional help. If not, it may help her to step back and get a bit of perspective.

We are not doing her any favours by saying "yes, its so awful, your baby's future has been stolen by COVID."

Because you said you didn't want to be harsh - at least the other's who came on here to attack the OP, didn't delude themselves.

@lasophie ignore all the dreadful comments. You are completely normal to feel this way. I am on mat leave too (our babies are v similar ages!) although mine is #2. I loved the first few weeks and have found the sudden life change hard. I was diagnosed early on with PND after a chat with my HV and have just finished a course of CBT and I can’t explain how much of a difference it’s made. It’s helped me rationalise my worries, acknowledge them but also let go of ones I have no control over.

I have just been making the most of every new freedom available. Met friends in gardens, picnics in park, allowed family round at each new step. DH and I had a date night of dinner and drinks which was so so lovely. Yesterday tucked DC2 into a pram and went shopping (mask on) as wanted to get friend a birthday gift and actually it was lovely. Hand gel-ly and some queues but fine.

It’s hard when you’re so worried but the risk to children and healthy adults is incredibly low. The people I find who are still struggling are those keeping to self imposed rules (still mustn’t meet people, too dangerous to touch the swings!) instead of those getting on with life putting into place safety measures. We go to the park with the kids and all gel our hands before and after. My far more impressionable than the baby 3 year old doesn’t bat an eyelid and is just happy to be out at the park!

It’s not the mat leave anyone planned (!!) and I feel wistful thinking of my first one with my NCT group, coffees, lunches etc. But actually- it’s ok. And it’ll get better. And as a parent of a 3 year old they get SO much more fun as they get older the first year is pretty boring! I’m trying to be grateful that mine are young enough to not be hugely affected but can also say they lived through a pandemic!

Afternoon, everyone. Thanks for the reports on this thread. We've made some deletions. We know this is AIBU and we don't ask that everyone agree with every word people say but we do think it's possible to say someone is being unreasonable while remainging civil and pleasant, particularly when it sounds like that person might be struggling. Mumsnet's prime reason for being is to make parents' lives easier, so we hope that our members will post in the same way.

OP, we're sorry to hear you're feeling low. As other posters have said it's definitely worth giving your GP and/or health visitor a call to see what they think. There are also a few organisations listed here on our Mental Health Webguide that might be able to offer you some info and support. APNI in particular is very good and worth having a look at first.

Please do stick around and let us know how you're getting on, and if you'd like us to move your thread to another board for you just drop us a line. We'd be happy to do that.

You feel how you feel, all you can do is feel annoyed then try to move past it.

I have a baby the same age though and I don't feel much has been different. The point of mat leave is to take care of your baby. That's the one thing we can still do during this pandemic. It's those with school age kids I feel sorry for.

Don't think too much about how the grass is so much greener. Mum and baby groups? Sure, maybe we would have gone and had an amazing time and made friends for life, and on the walk home found the winning lotto ticket. Or more likely - we could have gone, meh it was OK and added people on insta then not talked again. Baby swimming - maybe we would have gone and had a laugh, maybe baby would have screamed and had diarrhoea in the pool and I would have run away in shame.

Things like meet ups with friends, walks in parks are still available.

Very worried about OP. Hope you're okay.

@laughingandcrying I hope you are doing ok. My DH and I have always said well at least it’s not our first and I’ve had a nice mat leave but my heart really goes out to people for whom it may be their only mat leave and it’s essentially been ruined by covid. Obviously there’s worse things in life. But to have that one experience spoilt and especially when they baby couldn’t see family etc it’s so sad. My in laws missed the baby being a tiny newborn and only saw her at 4 months. That’s time they will never get back. It’s ok to be sad about it.

Oh OP, I get it. The first few months with a new baby are relentless.

Lots of mumsnetters are quite dismissive of baby groups, I find. But for me they were a lifeline. They got me out of the house and gave structure to the day.

Rest assured that your baby isn't missing out on anything and won't know any difference. But I'm sorry it's tough for you. Mums need other mums sometimes.

Also to any new mums- I’ve made most of my ‘mum friends’ through DDs nursery friends, not when I was on mat leave at all. You’ll get there! Baby groups aren’t all that honestly a lot of them I used to HATE!

MN at its ugliest this thread. People should be ashamed of themselves.

I've said to my partner all along I am so glad I'm not pregnant or have just had a baby. You are absolutely right. You have missed out on alot. It's not fair. You won't get those early weeks back. I really feel for you because all you want to do is finally be a mum to your baby. Not being able to do a simple thing like wonder around the shops and go for a coffee at a relations house is rubbish. All the opportunities to mixed at groups are gone too. But also it means you have not had the support you deserve. You've not had the odd break whilst someone has the baby for a couple of hours.

I have struggled with my daughter being pulled out of reception six months in. She loved school. It was a happy, colourful, fun environment. She was going to parties and she was making friends. She was slow to settle in work wise. All through the winter I was thinking how lovely her first summer was going to be. Walking home and going to the park. Wearing her little gingham dress. Meeting friends in the summer holidays. But instead coronavirus has pulled her back to being at home like a toddler again. She's lost all social parts of her life. I've ended up with anxiety. It's not like me at all. But I'm scared for the future. I'm dreading September. She will be back but in year one. There's nowhere near as much "fun" in year one. No outdoor playground with bikes and stuff. No free play. Then there's aload of new rules. We have to go the long way to the back gates. So our walk to school will be longer. The hot dinners are cancelled. They can't eat in the hall. They can only play in their class. So they won't see alot of the kids from reception in the other two rooms. The whole thing is rubbish. We are not even allowed in the playground. We have to line up at the gate and do a one way system. Great fun for the nervous kids going back seeing their parents not being allowed to take them into class.

I read something the other day. It explained as humans we are "adaptable" and we have adapted to this new way of doing things. But many of us have got a lockdown depression/anxiety because our brains are giving off a panic feeling about the new way of life and getting back to our old lives. I know I'm feeling deflated like you. I think I can't see me ever doing anything normal again. Just simple things like taking my daughter to school and walking to town. My son going to nursery. I have no idea how to tackle any of that now. Will we ever go for days out again to soft play or the cinema. Will we enjoy watching our DD learn to swim? I even think will Christmas feel like Christmas this year. Will all the "magic" be cancelled?

I don't have much advice but I get you. I guess it has to get better and it will. Although i still question this virus and where it's from. It has never happened in our lifetimes before. Viruses don't cause this usually. This is a very horrible year and we don't have any answers or truth.

One beautiful thing about it is your baby isn't affected by it and will hopefully be able to enjoy all her childhood without having to worry about germs and dying. Hopefully she can have a normal school experience. It's definitely horrible that your children can't just run into school and hug friends. Lining them up apart is a very different experience to what I had.

Sending you a hug x

I think that everyone has an idea of what their life will be like with a new baby, and then they may find that the expectation and the reality are quite different. People have multiple births, they have premature babies, they experience post natal depression, they become financially more vulnerable, they find themselves less able to cope, their babies have health issues or disabilities. I don't know if this helps, but try not to think about what the pandemic has taken from you. You've also gained some things. Perhaps your partner has been at home. You haven't come under pressure to be looking perfect and jolly at baby groups. You've been able to save some money because you haven't been going out. Your baby has had you to focus on them. It may feel like it's the end of the world, and I am not underestimating the fear of your baby being vulnerable and financial concerns, situations of domestic abuse, etc. But in general a lesson you learn when you have children is that you need to make the best of what you're given. If you feel that you are down, perhaps you should try to call your health visitor or GP and ask for some support.

There was another poster who felt similar to you, OP. It was really sad to read and yes, her thread brought out some of the nastier-minded posters too.

You're not unreasonable to feel the way that you do. Believe PaulinePetrovaPosy (great username!) when she says that your baby won't mind a bit as long as they have you, that's true. They're babies and their mothers are their world. Acknowledge that and enjoy the reassurance that comes from knowing that your baby has all they need.

This won't go on forever. People will always find a new normal and however and whenever that comes, we'll adjust and make things as good for ourselves as we can do... and there will be enjoyment again and doing things that we did before, again.

As far as eating healthily goes... if this is something that you always do then cling on to that. It's not weight gain that is the issue, it's how eating poorly impacts your general health and feelings about yourself. If you're struggling at the moment (and many of us are) then you don't need that added pressure on yourself to let slide one of the things that a) has always served you well and b) will not make you feel good for the long term, it will cause you additional stress and anguish... as well as feeling like crap if your diet isn't balanced with what you need for your body's health. You don't need that.

Keep going on, keep posting, keep taking your baby out and do it all with whatever safety measures you feel comfortable with. This is not going to go on forever and far from losing your baby's future, you'll be enjoying the 'here and now' and making plans for your whole family's future.

It's going to be ok, it really is.

People need to understand, this is not about lockdown per se, it is about mental health. Lockdown is a red herring. I had no lockdown to contend with when I had PND, just some moderate life stresses (which I did completely "catastrophise", in the terminology of this thread), yet I too believed for a time that I had no future, that nothing was worth bothering with. Because I was not well. Please, this is not about being "annoyed" by lockdown, and it is unlikely that a few walks in a park will help her move past it. She needs proper help, which WILL take care of it.

Look at all the holes on this thread, not to mention the message from MNHQ. Why do people get their rocks off on being so unpleasant to people who are posting here because they're unhappy and struggling?

Maternity leave is a special time and it must be awful to feel robbed of this. With my DC6 I was on my knees through lack of sleep for the first 12 weeks in particular, and the breastfeeding peer support groups kept me grounded when I thought I was going crazy. Without that group, Water Babies, Baby Sensory, Story Time at the library and all the other fun things I did with my baby and other mums, it would have been a pretty isolating experience.

Of course it's easy to catastrophise when you have a tiny, helpless baby for whom you're 100% responsible. I was a neurotic first-time mum in the best of circumstances, constantly checking my DC wasn't overheating, was sleeping on his back etc, so can't imagine what it must be like to go through this in the middle of a major pandemic.

Or it might be PND. Other PPs have given good advice on investigating this possibility and seeking medical help if necessary. Don't struggle on alone.

Handhold if you want it, OP

Some pathetic people on MN today. If you can't be kind or helpful, just keep quiet.

[Flowers] for OP. However hard things seems, try and make some small changes for the better.

@lasophie

Don't worry, you just need some encouragement that everything will be ok. And it will! I felt very down and anxious after having my first baby, the smallest thing can set you off so totally get where you're coming from. You know what though - your little baby doesn't know there's a pandemic, all that matters to that little soul is that you're there and giving lots of cuddles/kisses. At this stage, the world could be spinning in reverse but as long as mummy is there nothing else matters!

It's very common to suffer with a bit of PND with the first baby, it's a bloomin' tough time anyway, and as well as being the most wonderful time it's also the hardest job going. Go to your GP and tell him/her how you're feeling and what you've described here - feeling over-sensitive and emotionally wired can be a sign of PND. And, don't be embarrassed or ashamed of discussing this with your GP - it's really more common than a lot of people let on.

Don't doubt yourself as a mum - you know best. Have faith in your ability and your mummy instincts! It will all be ok soon enough.

Oh yeah - and don't watch the news and log out of MN. There are some lovely people who offer wise advice and some idiots who have their own issues. Take what you need from here and do what you need to do to be happy.
xx

People need to understand, this is not about lockdown per se, it is about mental health

I really don't think we can assume that at all, I did not have any MH problems when I had a baby but still struggled with the long days, loneliness and exhaustion. I can't imagine what it must be like in a lockdown and with covid. Extremely challenging.

So I don't think we should simply assume it is mental health, it may not be, and may be just the horrible situation we are all in at the moment. Most/many people are struggling, not just new mothers I would add.
Just to blandly say it is not the lockdown is to discount the huge discomfort, sadness and struggles many people are experiencing, including those with young babies, especially those with young babies.