Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

"What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"?

While I totally understand, they do have a point with this.

I’ve had a boy and a girl and wow, have they both been totally into the stereotypes regardless of how they have been brought up.

I’m not ‘girly’ at all yet I’ve had a six year old who ever since a small toddler loves to dress in pink, loves princesses etc. It makes me feel slightly sick inside but it’s what she likes.

My son was always into anything with wheels from a young age, always wanted bob the builder clothes from a toddler.

This despite me not being into gendered roles and play etc.

You’ll find your child just likes what they like.

I think there’s a difference between Princess shit and wearing stuff with dinosaurs on

I’m laughing a bit because you are a bit PFB and we all know that when the kid is 2 you’ll have a huge tantrum as they won’t even get dressed.

I’d just leave it and be grateful you have two sets of loving grandparents.

There is no quick way.

IME the easiest thing is to accept a couple of items, dress the baby in them, take a photo, send to adoring grandparents with a thank you.

Alternatively just forget about the items/keep them for emergencies.

If it's becoming a flood of clothes then just say you've got enough.

I'd also keep giving them a sense of what you like rather than what you don't like. Eg 'ooh, MIL, I really love this little stripy onesie' or 'mum, I'm thinking of getting this lovely frog-print t-shirt'.

That way they can start thinking 'ah, @NewbieMumma loves animal prints/stripes/stars for the baby' rather than it being a battle.

Plus. You’re not giving it to your baby. They are. Chill out.

Of course when they are tiny they don’t have a preference so it’s totally up to you. Just don’t dress them in things that your parents buy that you don’t like.

I don't think you can stop them buying them but you can refrain from dressing your baby in them and when they ask why just say you prefer neutral clothes until the child is old enough to make a choice and that the charity shops will welcome them. But I bet by the time it's been sick over the 5th outfit of the day you'll be grabbing anything that's vaguely clean.

Just politely rebuff as much as possible i think is all you can do.

It's so so hard not to gender socialise your own children- much harder than I expected. I would worry more about that!

Hi OP

Congratulations on your imminent arrival.

YANBU unreasonable re clothing but having been there I do think you just need to smile graciously, esp in the early days when emotions are running high. I would try not to make enemies of anyone in the early days. My mum rushed out and got DS a gorgeous, premium brand, blue sleep suit the day he was born, and you know what, it’s was cute and smart and not overly fussy.

Could you point them subtlety in the direction of brands you like as baby gets older - Fred and Noah, kite, blade and rose, little loves Cornwall are all good for fun prints of leggings and sleepsuits that can be worn by either gender. Next, H&M good for single colour basics.

I do think this is more of an issue with clothing directed at girls, so as the mum of a boy perhaps I’m speaking out of turn.

Lots of places have good exchange policies (well in normal times anyway) so a less subtle way would be to exchange the clothes if they insist in buying.

We’ve found the novelty of buying cute clothes wears off pretty quick so by 6-9 months you have to buy all your own anyway.

I'd suggest just dressing baby how you wish until they are old enough to pick out and dress themselves.

If this is about them wanting to buy stuff then why not send them links and point them in the right direction? They are probably never going to understand your point of view and you'd do better pointing them towards things you do like and approve of than stressing them out going on about the stuff you don't like or want.

You do know you don’t have to put your child in clothes they’ve been given that you don’t like? My dd returned lots of items she was bought, most places give a credit note or exchange things without receipts. I agree that it’s hard to get neutral clothes, it ends up with girls mainly wearing ‘boy’ clothes. My dgs mainly wears leggings and t shirts / sweatshirts. It’s interesting though that most people wouldn’t put a boy in a skirt, yet would put a girl in pants in an effort to be neutral.

I just said hell would freeze over before we'd put DS in that kind of baby clothes, and that they'd had a chance to sartorially impose restrictive gender roles on their own kids when they'd had them.

Politely thank them and then exchange most of it, keep a few pieces so they can see them in if.

Also, you are being kinda PFB. My son spent his third year dressing as a princess wearing nail polish, but apart from that he has turned everything into a gun from as soon as he could hold stuff. You're not in charge of this new person any more than the grandparents are, realistically.

Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live

If this is true, and they were typical 1950s, then you are inventing the issue. For in the 1950s, nearly everything (except maybe one outfit for best) was unisex and expected to be handed on through several DC (siblings, cousins, neighbours)

Just ask them to get unisex, as you hope to get plenty of use from the items.

We didn't know the sex of my sister's baby and bought bright coloured babygros and onesies (summer born) and then more neutral, white, grey stuff for when they were a bit bigger to go under clothing.

I haven't bought baby clothes for a while but once your baby is born and they are either a boy or a girl then clothing is separated into those catagories in the shops and in catalogues. So people are automatically going to shop in those sections and it does make it more difficult to pick out things without a leaning toward a specific colour.

Why not just tell them you prefer neutral/plain/simple clothes and don't like anything with slogans/pictures on instead of trying to explain "concepts".

Hmmm, surely all clothes are non-gendered.

Why not just say you don't like slogans or character stuff? Plenty of people don't. There's no reason why girls can't wear dinosaur t-shirts or boys wear stuff with unicorns though.

I dodged it with DD, and framed it as ‘I hate pink’.
I was also ready to push my mum’s ‘raging snob’ button by suggesting overly pink and frilly was ‘a bit common these days’ but didn’t actually have to use it.

You sound rather rather rigid and inflexible and also quite disparaging about your DM and Mil, almost as though your ideas are far superior to theirs.

Anyway just tell them there aren't girl clothes or boy clothes, just baby clothes.

People will buy you the gendered stuff. You’ll need to just accept that. It’s your choice whether to put the outfit on your child.

I haven’t been buying everything pink because I know I’m having another DD. I’ve been buying clothes I like. I like Disney and pink and blue and stripes and green and... We have a big range.

DD1 is now 6 and loves things with unicorns and Disney princesses. She also likes superheroes and Lego sets. I just buy her clothes I think she’ll like.

Is this your first then?

It really depends how much stuff they're going to give you? If it's just one outfit, it's important to teach children that things "for girls" (pink, princesses) aren't silly and stupid, otherwise you reinforce the message that girls' things are frivolous. So one pink tutu outfit alongside other more practical clothing won't do her any harm. When they're older you can reinforce that decisions about clothes are made on practicality/aesthetic, not gender/sex ("the pink tutu is nice for twirling round and round, but your trousers and wellies are better for puddle stomping").

Realistically, you're going to be buying the majority of what your children wear. So if they get one outfit, do as PP suggests and take a photo and send it to grandparents and then don't use it much. If asked, claim they grew out of it / did a poonami on it. If it's really hideous and you can't bear to put your child in it, just say thank you and put it in a cupboard.

IME (I only have a son) you will receive much more pushback at dressing a boy in anything with a hint of pink/flowers/swirly pattern than at a girl wearing dinosaur wellies. So if you're trying for gender-neutral clothes, make sure that includes a nice wide range of styles if you have a boy. It's easier to get "tomboy" stuff for girls.

Congratulations OP 💕

I think you might be overthinking it a bit. Just nod and say thank you. Take a few pics of baby in the odd outfit and pass on or donate the rest to baby bank if you're not keen. It's not worth the upset TBH.

Also, you are being kinda PFB.

There's nothing whatsoever 'PFB' (an expression which is used tiresomely often on Mn to ridicule first time parents) about wanting to combat a world in which boys are conditioned to think their psychological world is allowed to stretch from navy blue to khaki and from dinosaurs to diggers.

DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days)
Ahem. You won't know the gender for a few years yet. Did you mean to type biological sex?

You won't convince the parents if you yourself are getting confused over terminology.