Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

Honestly, pink or blue clothes are the absolute least of your worries re gender issues.

If I were you I'd try to think a bit bigger picture - promote a loving relationship with grandparents and model behaviour to your child that you want to them copy. In the long run those things are far more important, and I say that as someone who has a 4 year old boy dressed in pink every day, and a 2 year old girl dressed in her brother's old clothes every day.

I'd just return the stuff you don't like, after having thanked them politely for it. If they ask where it is you can either lie or tell them the truth depending on how they'd take it and brave you are.

You've explained why you don't want it, it's up to them whether they listen or not.

I just politely returned items to shop for exchange until they got the message. I was fairly militant about it at first but gradually relaxed. We have focussed on bright colours and dd now has a rainbow obsession. We were lucky that mothercare was still trading and we dressed DD in a lot of Little Bird clothes which were unisex and brightly coloured. Now its boden sales, next and frugi with plain supermarket stuff.

I spent my maternity leave protesting for dinosaurs for all campaign run by let clothes be clothes. The let clothes be clothes and let toys..and let books... groups are great resources so is a mighty girl if you have a girl.

And its sex not gender. Dont be afraid to say the word

It's only early on that this is an issue as baby clothes buying peters out until a majority of it is things you've chosen.

My DM is a bit gendered in her approach to clothes. I just told her dresses were impractical and anything else I mixed and matched with other less gendered items.

I thought I was doing neutral for my first but when I pulled it all out the loft for my second it all seemed really blue and grey. I tried to go for brights from both sections but a lot of girl stuff is overly frilly and boys stuff is mostly blue/green/grey.

I think you just need to say you are happy with things that are white, red, yellow (or any other colours you like) as that makes if clearer but you absolutely appreciate if they would prefer not too buy clothes at all.

I do get it as I have 3 boys and the large majority of clothes for them feature dinasours or trucks.

I hate it as it’s boring and lacks imagination from the designers. Equally girls clothes are not great either as many are silly princess rubbish. My friends with girls who adore dinasours and trucks have struggled to get anything for them.

However please be aware that your child will most likely get to the point they will decide what to wear and what colours they like regardless of your thoughts.

DS1 loves dinasours and minecraft so wears them, DS2 loves pink and bright coloured clothes with Disney or animals on them so wears them. DS3 is still a baby but is rarely in blue and I will not put clothes with dinasours etc on him.

I buy all the kids clothes and don’t ask for them for birthdays etc.

Why don't you send them a website with the type of clothes you like. It can be hard to buy clothes that are not pink or blue. However to be honest I wouldn't worry too much about what your baby wears. Babies really don't care. When he /has just been sick or has a nappy explosion you will just be happy have something clean for them to wear without putting the washing machine on again. My GD wears clothes that you might say are designed for boys and also ones you might call girls clothes. At 2 she knows very clearly what she likes! And my GS has some pink slippers as well as clothes you might call boys clothes. It's not really important
As for toys just have a variety. If GP want to buy typical' boy or girl toys' then you can balance it by buying the opposite.
Good luck.

We avoided buying pink for our daughter when she was a baby, preferring neutrals and brights, but said a polite thank you for pink gifts and used them a bit. It's not that important really.

FWIW I am not particularly girly and spent my childhood climbing trees and riding bikes. I bought my daughter trains and dolls and everything in between. My daughter (now 5) is into fairies, unicorns and barbie. The trains were rarely played with. You are creating a new person. They will have their own ideas and be shaped by the society around them as well as their parents.

This is exhausting OP.

You do realise that nobody cares what colour or pattern your baby wears don’t you?
Least of all the baby.

If people buy you a gift do you usually specify what that gift is?

If someone buys you a gift and it’s not to your taste do you usually comment on it?

Are you expecting your parents to provide all the toys/clothes for your child? If not, are a few pink/blue items going to kill you or damage the baby irreparably?

I’m sure that you will find out eventually that desiring this level of control causes more damage than a few ‘incorrectly’ coloured toys/clothes would ever do.

Can u not just ask them to buy other things? Not clothes .. say you've got loads maybe books /soft toys /blankets/practical stuff..,if they want to spend cash
Or say you only want primary colours
Otherwise just send it back say it doesn't fit..
Children are individuals and will like what they like ..many little girls do not do princess stuff..and I do think it is up to you as parents to decide this sort of thing as time goes on your views may alter with child's interests so wouldn't necessarily make it a big ideological issue...

Part of being a parent is being happy and strong with your views and decisions... start now ... do in a diplomatic way if you can but repeated boundary pushing needs pushing back -hand the stuff back to them if necessary or say it'll go to the charity shop/you'll pass it to a refuge..

Children are not toys to be dressed up...if they want a tutu they can buy a barbie
If you choose for dc to wear later so what your choice...
My dc basically lived in plainish sleepsuits for months but I'm very practical-and a big fan of stripes so looking back nearly all clothes were plain/stripy primary colours !

My 3 dc mainly wore babygros for at least the first 6 months because they're practical. Another parent at the creche referred to ds1 as the child who is always in pjs. However, we didn't make a thing of it and if we were going somewhere that warranted it, we did put an outfit on. You might find one or two outfits are handy to have.

My dd wore mainly boys' and neutral clothes for the first 3 years of her life. No big decision. It was just what we already had from ds1. She did get some girls' clothes as presents. Ds2 wore her hand me downs, other than dresses (I think they're totally impractical for all babies).

I would go with the flow as you'll only stress yourself out otherwise. However, you could say that you want clothes that are red, white, green or whatever other colours you think are gender neutral. Tell them what type of clothes you want (babygros, vests etc). Ask would they mind giving you the gift receipts as you are getting a lot of duplicates so don't want to waste things. Anything too gendered you can exchange and maybe keep one or two things that aren't too bad.

I would advise not to be too rigid on this. Children are their own people and just as it's not fair to try to pigeon hole them into gendered roles, it's equally unfair to prevent them expressing any typical gendered traits they might have. Before I had my first, I thought it was all about nurture. I learned very quickly that nature plays a large part. All you can do is ensure you're not reinforcing gender stereotypes and allow your dc to take what they want from both or neither.

Definitely first baby. Wait till you get to number 3. You won't give a fuck.

Just don't dress baby in the clothes you don't like, they'll soon get the message.

@Limpid

I just said hell would freeze over before we'd put DS in that kind of baby clothes, and that they'd had a chance to sartorially impose restrictive gender roles on their own kids when they'd had them.

To your parents? You sound utterly exhausting, and pretty charmless to boot.

Children need a range of toys/clothes to choose from. Buying a girl trucks and dolly’s as well as a jigsaw are all good toys and encourage play try not to buy a boy just dolly’s and a girl just trains to be ‘different’ my youngest son loves trains but likes to push his dolly around the park too. He likes his George pig top but also his sparkling sequin top.

Agree Re directing then to things you like, rather than what you dint, then they can at least emulate what you're buying. Even from your post you've described lots about what you don't like, but have given no indication about what is OK.

Are you OK with stripes and stars and bright colours, animal prints, Dinosaurs on girl clothes or bunnies on boy clothes? Or do you just want plain colours? If blue isn't OK for a boy is it OK for a girl? Is green OK for a boy and purple for a girl?
I think focusing on that will help better than a princied lecture on the effects of a pink bunny Sleepsuits on your oblivious baby

You can say we want unisex clothes that we can keep for any future children etc.But I agree with others, the most realistic approach is to smile and nod, take a quick pic, and then pop the clothes in the desperation pile.
Have the gender stereotyping showdown with them in a few months time, once they are over the initial obsession with a tiny baby.
I managed to avoid it with my DS & DD, no interest in princess dresses or football kits here.

Here's an idea, why not just try and enjoy your child rather than worrying about clothes, toys, languages just now. When every last thing is covered in puke then you can resort to the stuff you don't like. You can educate their 1950's brains (yeah it is condescending) when kids starts to toddle. FWIW I can bet you the more you keep sparkles away the more they'll want them.

Tell them to watch this video:

It's not exhausting, fussy, or PFB. It's trying to have the courage of your convictions.

And putting girls in pink/boys in blue IS about gender not sex. Nothing in biology says people with vaginas wear pink.

I do like the 'we want to be able to hand them down' as a pp suggested as an easy way to get clothes you will want to use. It is pretty much impossible to get everyone on board with the gender thing though. My mum, a 60s feminist, bought my daughter a bright pink cleaning set for her 2nd birthday (and had managed not to do this for her preceding 4 grandsons) as an example.

It's also pretty hard to get rid of your own ground in attitudes tbh.

I think you need to accept that gender stereotypes and roles already deeply entrenched in society and instead of trying to battle society at large you can teach your child that those stereotypes aren't rigid. It's not going to be just clothes it's language There's so much. Instead make sure you're introducing them to a variety of toys and colours and books and movies etc.

@WeAllHaveWings

Why not just tell them you prefer neutral/plain/simple clothes and don't like anything with slogans/pictures on instead of trying to explain "concepts".

This sounds sensible to me. All the "Daddy's Little Princess" and "Mummy's Little Monster" shit can be explained away as just being tacky as fuck without having to explain anything about gender.

I was the same, no baby blue or girly pink for mine. Mine had dolls, prams, trucks and dinosaurs.
But people buy what they want anyway. If I didn’t like it, they wore it once and then it went to the charity shop.
Just let it go, there will be bigger hills to die on.

For the time being, just don't tell them the sex of the baby in advance. "We've decided to keep it as a surprise", repeat as necessary. (You don't have to say who it is that's being surprised...) I did this and somehow my relatives all managed to remember the existence of green and yellow.

Beyond that, why not identify specific things you'd like?

I was gifted so many baby clothes with DS that it seemed a total waste, I exchanged a lot of it for bigger sizes and of course then I could pick what I liked.

I agree with PP to point them in the right direction to unisex clothes or brands that cater towards a more unisex look.

Again say you don't want to be wasteful and intend to reuse baby clothes for the next one

Try to reiterate that if they do buy gendered clothes it goes against your ethos and they will be exchanged

To be hoe at, I think it’s just easier not to explain. Just say you prefer neutral colours and leave it at that. If you receive anything that you really can’t get on board with, put it in the bottom of the wardrobe and chuck it out when they go up a size. - ‘oh dear what a SHAME baby didn’t get a change to wear this one.’ Babies often have so many clothes they never get to wear regardless of the colour and style And with yours being a summer baby, you’ll have them in vests and a nappy only for months yet.