Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

Obviously it doesn't have a direct influence on the child how they are dressed as a newborn!

But it's possible to recognise these patterns in society, recognise that it starts there (or even before - gender reveals and such) and make the conscious decision not to participate in that for your own child/ren.

What it's not possible to do is to make other people stick to that. But yes, certainly if you receive clothing that goes against your principles in any way, whether you find it offensive, think it's uncomfortable/cruel to the child, unsafe (e.g. giant suffocation risk headband, no flame retardants, too many chemical flame retardants, allergens) or it goes against an ideology or you just consider it ugly, you are under NO OBLIGATION to actually put it on your child. You can even return it to the shop or sell it on, if you want to.

But I wouldn't tell the person you're doing this personally - I just think that is mean. I would make positive comments about gifts you receive which you like, and when possible make comments about what you like without the ideology bit. So "I love animals/bright colours/rainbows" or "I love dinosaur stuff for girls!" "I love flowery stuff for boys!"

For me as a parent being green was more important than pink or blue. I bought most of my clothes from charity shops and car boot sales. I was given loads by various relatives as well. For our first child we didn't know his sex till he was born and as his first action as he was born, was to have a pee, he announced himself.

We had a lot of white babygros, and the grandparents bought "boy," clothes and as Ds was a constantly drooling, projectile vomitter I was grateful I had enough! They poo so much and it smears up the back especially when you are using reusable nappies! I barely got dressed myself for the first three months. So enjoy the time you have now to worry about the colour of your babygros as in the end they all get messy and outgrown very quickly!

My daughter's followed in quick succession and as they were long bodied and chunky babies I found "boy" clothes were often better fit and much more practical but I was given a lot of glittering pink stuff and they were happy to throw up and poo in them so whatever. By the time I had 3 aged 4 and under gender stereotypes were not uppermost on my tired frazzled mind and I don't control the world.

Now they are all age 11 and up and very woke, they dress how they like use the correct pro-nouns and everything and are very disparaging of their gender critical mother. So if it ain't woke don't fix it as it all come out ok generally.

Congratulations and good luck.

Anyone who interacts with your baby in a meaningful way will know their sex making the clothes they wear irrelevant to the child.

But the 'non meaningful' but constant messages stick as well. The same BBC experiment for starters. And I noticed it a lot with my DS and DD, whom I didn't dress in overly gendered clothing, so DS was often mistaken for a girl, and vice versa.
When the child is assumed to be a boy, perfect strangers on playgrounds are happy for their children to play rough, for the child to climb and jump and whatnot. When it's assumed the child is a girl, they are told to be careful and not to fall and treated like a delicate flower.

@Jellybeansincognito

I really don’t understand this?

It’s a bit hypocritical?

You want non gendered clothes but at the same time are creating illusions that pink is for girls and blue is for boys.

No clothes are for any gender really, I think you’re being a bit precious.

I agree. In the distant past, boys wore dresses until they were out of toddlerhood and pink was a boy’s colour - who knew the 17th century was so gender right-on!

"What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"?

All girls are "girly girls" because they are girls. A girl not liking pink doesn't mean she's less of a girl.

A boy or girl can wear a pink tutu and play with a truck.

I can completely relate to the poster who said their son spent much of his 3rd year dressed in a pink tutu and nail polish but turned everything he could into a gun! Sounds exactly like my son! During his 4th year I couldn't peel him out of his Spiderman pjs for love nor money because he WAS Spider-Man. When he turned 5 he became a velociraptor and would actively run around making dinosaur sounds. And then he asked for a baby and pushchair for his birthday. Which he got.

My point is kids will like what they like, you don't really get ownership of that, they do. When they're tiny it doesn't matter what you dress them in, it isn't going to shape their entire gender role!

So if you have a son and he wants dinosaurs on his bedding will you say no? And if you say no, what will your reasoning be? Dinosaurs aren't gender specific any more than cows or sheep.

My parents and in-laws bought some horrific clothes for my DC when they were born, but the gesture was kind and well meaning. They wore them maybe once or twice and nothing bad happened!

Tell them anything they buy before birth the child will wear regardless on whether it is a boy or girl and you will tell anyone that asks that the child's gran bought it.

@sashh

Tell them anything they buy before birth the child will wear regardless on whether it is a boy or girl and you will tell anyone that asks that the child's gran bought it.

Surely that's exactly what the grandparent's intentions are??

This will only be an issue if you make it one. Dress your child, or not, in the clothes you are given. It will really not be that much of an issue.
The behaviour you model in the house, the roles that you take and how you talk to them about gender differences- that will be key.
Clothes? Trust me, not so much. You might be grateful for a clean frilly dress when you are tired and everything else is dirty.

It drives me up the wall that girls' clothing seems to need frills and bows, whilst boys' clothing has pockets. The same at baby level: very stereotypically gendered clothing where girls are pretty and love cuddles and unicorns, but boys like being little monsters, with trucks.

Rather than explaining gender neutral to your mother and MIL, just say you dislike slogan or heavily motifed clothing because you prefer more muted clothes (or bright rainbow if that's more you unisex style) . Then give some examples of the sorts of things you like.

I've found it much easier to say 'DH and I prefer unisex clothing for babies' than get into why we think the 'pink and blue-ification' of children is limiting for boys and girls.

Indi oco- I am sorry but that stuff all looks like it was made during the great depression from sacks.

I’m so glad you said that @Prettybluepigeons, they’re not nice colours at all. I’m not sure avoiding pink frills and baby blue means dressing your child in sludge colours instead, they look awful.

And £44 for a play suit isn’t my idea of inexpensive.

I can’t think of anything better to spend £40 on than a grey t-shirt for a baby. Cheers for the link.

😂😂

Controlling much !! Calm down. It's a baby.

My career terminated when DD2 arrived. It’s difficult to make any other economic choice when DH warned 10 times as much as me. I did miss my career but not the juggling of childcare and my day around the childcare. I’m afraid it’s wishful thinking to think a men earning a lot is able to share equally in childcare. Or indeed a woman earning a lot! Everyone makes choices that suit their circumstances and I’m totally fed up with other women having a go at me for it. My choice, and that of my DH, was that he would continue to earn highly and I would enjoy spending the household money and I wouldn’t kill myself by trying to “have it all” but in truth being totally frazzled! I had plenty of money but I just didn’t go out to work to earn it. Lucky me! It just landed in the bank account.

warned! Earned.

OP all the stuff you think is sooooo important before you have your first baby is not that important at all.
Just accept the gifts gracefully and move on.

OP all the stuff you think is sooooo important before you have your first baby is not that important at all.
Just accept the gifts gracefully and move on.
It's not good for anyone or the planet to encourage people to continue buying lots of stuff that others don't want or need.

Is it really so bad to buy something a paper wants or needs for their child, instead of deliberately ignoring then to buy whatever you think is cute?

Imagine an OP wrote a post on here saying:
' I was discussing Christmas plans with MIL and said I don't like X. I made a few suggestions of what I'd like, but on Christmas day it turns out she went and bought me X after I said I didn't like it. AIBU to feel a little put out and irritated as I she knew I didn't like it'
People would rightly say the MIL was wrong because she knew you didn't like X. Some would suggest you distance yourself from her as she is deliberately ignoring you.

Yet when children are involved parents should expect reasonable wishes to be ignored and be grateful that relatives who know parent preferences choose to ignore them?