If you dont take DH's name or arent married to DC's father

[UltimateWednesday]

How did you decide which surname they have?

A discussion with some middle aged colleagues. Most said they'd got married when they had DC, at least in part because they wanted to have the same name as their children.

Obviously the children could have taken mother's surname but then father has the same issue, that he doesn't share the family name, unless he takes hers.

Hypenating is an option but how do you choose which order? IME people seem to drop the first one as they get older and even if they don't surely would if they tried to amalgate two surnames when they marry themselves?

We chose his name because sexism runs deep, I guess.

I'm sure there was a "good" reason at the time.

I sort of regret it now, but their names are their names so it's too late.

DH would not have minded in the least.

I sort of feel like he tricked me by being so right on. If he'd argued for his name over mine, I would have resisted. But he didn't and so I didn't and somehow the sexist default won.

I am married

My husband is Mr London Underground and I am Miss New York Subway.

Our small person is first name middle name Subway Underground

Two surnames no hyphen

We chose my surname for the children because it was nicer than his. I also kept my surname. He kept his as it was "part of his identity". We were married for 20 years.

Chose his as it went better with the first name.

Chose his because I liked it better and felt it gave us better options for first names

Also it makes no odds to me if my children have the same name as me or not -I know I gave birth to them

Also in some cultures it's not the norm to have the same last name as your children anyway -it's a non-issue for me

No need to be snide about 'middle aged' women. I am 55 and never changed my name , ditto my stepmother who is in her 70s.
Yawn.

My surname as I already had a child and I wanted them to have same name.

DS has got dps name because the only other person with mine is my dad who I have absolutely nothing to do with. If this was not the case, I think we would have double barreled.

We are getting married next year and I will take dps name then.

Two surnames and no hyphen.

The woman's name should go first. That's the standard, there isn't a choice but some people don't know that and go for sound.

DD uses DPs as it's an easier English surname. I've always hated mine but it's important she legally has it as it's rare.

I gave my children their dads name because his is plain (think Smith) whereas mine is something that is unusual (like Gherkin) and was used to make fun of me in school. Plus I can never just say it 'yes my surname is Gherkin thats G H E etc'. I'll keep my name when I get married though. I think its an outdated concept. Plus I'd have to do a load of shitty admin.

I am married, didn't change my name and our kids have my surname-his surname with a hyphen. It sounded better in that order. When they are older they can choose to drop part of it if they want - it's their name now.

Don't know or don't care **

I am married - but I wasn't I would choose mine.

People find this scandalous. I didn't realise it was so deeply ingrained into our culture that if an unmarried couple have a child it takes the fathers name.

I have not changed my name and have zero intention in doing so. It was interesting that my now DH thought I would be rushing off to change it. We got married in a hurry last year after 20yrs together...my eldest has my surname....sadly most people i know still take on the mans surname on marriage even those with no DC, I find it odd that woman dont question it..

"The woman's name should go first. That's the standard, there isn't a choice but some people don't know that and go for sound."

Eh what? Of course there is a choice. There is no rule or even convention in the UK about this.

OP, We are married but we both kept our own names. My daughter's surname is hisname-myname.

We did not get married until after our first child was born. My DH was adamant that the baby should have his name. I thought that a child wants a name that connects them to people who love them and that they feel is their's for as long as they want to use it. Both of our names fulfilled these criteria. Our names would sound ridiculous hyphenated, so DC1 was given DH's name and I changed mine when we got married to allow me to have the same name as my children. I have never felt entirely comfortable with it, but struggled to find a better solution that would please everyone.

Two surnames no hyphen. DC can choose to drop one or use one as a middle name later if they want.

I kept my name when we got married. Baby due next month will have both surnames, mine then his as it’s alphabetical and that’s the way it sounds best. It will probably get dropped at some point, depressing though that is.

I don’t feel like it’s an ideal solution, I’m not sure what that would be for us. I don’t want to change my name, I don’t want him to have to change his, I’d like us both to have the same surname as our child but those 3 things can’t all happen so this is the compromise. I’m already tired thinking about the passive aggressive comments just doing this is going to garner from the inlaws (they insist on referring to me as Alias theirsurname and acted all faux surprised when they overheard me on the phone to the vet referring to the dog (who I had for 7 years before even meeting DH) as having my surname. I just can’t be arsed with the debate so I smile and go ‘mmmmm’).

My friend married a man with the same surname as her. I should have done that.

Married, kept my name. Gave the kids his because that was really important to him and it wasn't at all important to me to have the same name.

In fact traditionally children of unmarried couples take the mother's name....

If I were using two surnames, and there was a multi-syllable name and a one-syllable name, I'd put the shorter name second. It sounds better.

We chose dh name.

We discussed my name, double barrelled ( not going to happen with two 4 syllable surnames!)

We chose dh’s as he already had children, who had his surname. When she kicked him out she tries to remove him from communicating with school, dr, sports clubs etc. As it was we ended up with a solicitors letter quoting parental responsibility law to everyone who refused to talk to him about his own kids

He felt very strongly that without the same name he would have had even more trouble, would likely have had to carry birth certs round, travelling would be a nightmare etc

Women with a different name is not thought that odd, divorce, remarriage, not changing name etc. A man is automatically assumed to be step dad.

Having been through the divorce experience and realising that when it comes to resident parent, he pretty much had no chance, having had several
Solicitors and a barrister tell him that given two fit parents, residency always goes to mum.

It made sense to “future proof” that link to the kids should I prove to be a Crazy ex wife .

I'm married but didn't take DH's surname, out of laziness rather than any kind of principle. We gave DH's surname to DD, which is a bog standard Western surname. Mine is very clearly ethnic and always needs to be spelled, and I wanted her to avoid the racism I've experienced.

I've never had any issues with not having changed my name or DD having a different surname to me. It's never been anything people have discussed with me or have been scandalized by.

Just to add- in many ways i like having a different surname. He gets added to all the shit whatsapp and facebook groups, as they can’t find me, and also I feel I retain my own identity, i’m not automatically wife and mother defined by my name....

@Nihiloxica

We chose his name because sexism runs deep, I guess.

I'm sure there was a "good" reason at the time.

I sort of regret it now, but their names are their names so it's too late.

DH would not have minded in the least.

I sort of feel like he tricked me by being so right on. If he'd argued for his name over mine, I would have resisted. But he didn't and so I didn't and somehow the sexist default won.

What nihiloxica said. Sexism runs deep, back in 2003 when we had dd1 we didn't even discuss what surname she would have even though we had no intention of getting married.

I also regret it tbh, I wish the dc had my, Scottish, surname, I wish I had been right on enough to consider using my surname. Ex-dp would definitely have had issues though, he has a massive ego and this would have been preposterous at the time!