If you dont take DH's name or arent married to DC's father

[UltimateWednesday]

How did you decide which surname they have?

A discussion with some middle aged colleagues. Most said they'd got married when they had DC, at least in part because they wanted to have the same name as their children.

Obviously the children could have taken mother's surname but then father has the same issue, that he doesn't share the family name, unless he takes hers.

Hypenating is an option but how do you choose which order? IME people seem to drop the first one as they get older and even if they don't surely would if they tried to amalgate two surnames when they marry themselves?

I originally double barrelled, I dropped mine after about 5 years as I preferred his even though I have to spell it. When DS came along it was logical that he would match us. He has DF first name as a middle name so my side is represented that way.

Love the middle age jibe.

My dd has both our surnames. No hypen. Why would I have given her a completely surname different to mine? She's 23 now.

DD has OH's surname because her name would've sounded stupid with mine.

For the same reason , when we get married I'll be keeping my surname and not taking OH's.

Not married but gave DC partner’s name . I didn’t know what to chose really. It’s the first name that you use everyday. It hasn’t caused any problems . My mum thought that if you give the baby your name , you’re planning to leave your partner in the future ?!! -

I’m not married and all my kids have their dads surname.

Really doesn’t bother me at all

If means nothing to me , it’s just a name

If we do ever get married , I’ll take his surname

But it’s a completely non issue to us.

Each kept our own surnames at marriage (neither of us particularly wedded (ha) to the names. A couple of years later when I was pregnant with our first, we both changed our surnames via deed poll to a completely different one. It was important to us that we would all have the same surname as a family.

To add to my earlier post, I am middle aged too. In my teens and twenties I never felt the compulsion many of my peers did to have a boyfriend, get married, change my name and have children. I was quite happy to be me
When I met DH it was never even a consideration that I would change my name. When we had DC it was never a consideration that they would take only his surname.

I didn’t change my name. Our DC has my surname as a middle name and DH’s surname as surname.
DH didn’t care which surname she got and I thought having a shorter, easier to spell name (I have a long foreign surname that people in UK can’t pronounce or spell) will be easier for her. That’s the only reason she has his surname. I would do the same for a second DC.

Also it’s never caused any confusion and DD knows I don’t have the same surname. Doesn’t make us less of a family!

Legally I can't take his surname when married. Our baby has both our surnames his-mine.

It had to be that way as the baby is a dual citizen and he can't just drop one surname thus the hyphen

Do you live in Quebec Fressia123? I'm sure there are other places that have legislation about keeping your own name, but Quebec is the only one that I know of.

It's interesting what someone said above about men owning their name and women just borrowing them. I remember a thread several years ago about a woman living in France divorced from a French man. She had to change back to her maiden name because she needed his permission to use his surname post divorce and he hadn't given it. He was constantly harassing her by finding entirely unconnected women on social media who had her first name and his surname and then taking her to court claiming that she was still using his surname.

No, I'm Mexican :) by Mexican law you have to keep your maiden name and children always have both surnames

I am over 60 and didn't take my first DH's name when I married - mainly because I didn't like the name.
I did take my DH's name when I married the second time and our DS has the same surname as both of us.

I don't personally get that 'your name = your identity' - in most cases women are using their father's name anyway. For various, complicated reasons my 'maiden' name wasn't even the name on my birth certificate .

My personal identity is far more than what I am called.

Destroyed - agree it is so tedious when people make comments about middle aged women - we are the generation of fighting for equal pay, Spare Rib, Greenham Common, burning your bra etc .

DC have DH’s name (I use it occasionally but professionally and on official documents I have my maiden name). My name is ridiculously long so there was never an question of giving them my name let alone hyphenating.

I've never understood the whole 'it's your father's name anyway' thing. It's my name, I got it at birth, I own it, it belongs to me. Other people also have the name, it doesn't make it any less mine. My eyes are the same colour as my father's, I got them from him, but they are not his eyes, they are mine. I got my surname from him, but it is mine.

Weird how people have told me quite a few times that my surname is my dad's name anyway, but no one says that to DH?

We both kept our names when we got married, and DS is Firstname DHname-myname. It sounded better that way round but I had also noticed that the first name in the hyphen often seems to disappear, but that interestingly that seems to happen less when it's the man's name. However, I do try not to be precious about it - DS and I both have birthdays coming up and we're currently getting cards for a wild assortment of names that are not our names and I'll grit my teeth and say thank you for them all equally!

Kids have my dps name as I'm not in contact with my fathers side of the family. ......I'll get round to switching mine one day. 🤨

The norm seems to be to take on the dad's surname for whatever reason, each to their own and all that although I was surprised an acquaintance not only took on the surname ' Gaylord ' but also lumbered her poor DC with it.

Another 'middle aged' woman here . Married in the early 90s and didn't change my name. Due to marry again this year (who knows when) and won't be changing my name. You seem dismissive of this homogeneous group of middle aged women you refer to but they did a lot for the feminist cause in far less enlightened times.

Not married, my children have my surname hyphenated his surname. I insisted when DD born, DP wanted just my surname. Over 20 years ago now. Never been an issue for any of us. Will be offsprings decision what they do for GDC.

I'm 48, always knew that I would never change my name if I got married. A view that was cemented in the 80's when one of my school teachers got married and kept her name. It's not a new concept.

I married in 2005, didn't change my name, dc have my surname.

Have never changed my name, I'm 52. DC do have their dad's name, because he was abusive and I was coerced. They are old enough to decide whether they want to change their names, and have said that they wouldn't, now. They don't speak to their dad, but they reckon it'll be too much hassle. They would have preferred having my surname, they reckon it's cooler.

If I had my time over, I'd not give in to using his surname. And double barrelling was never an option due to the names themselves.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I've never understood the whole 'it's your father's name anyway' thing. It's my name, I got it at birth, I own it, it belongs to me. Other people also have the name, it doesn't make it any less mine. My eyes are the same colour as my father's, I got them from him, but they are not his eyes, they are mine. I got my surname from him, but it is mine.

This, completely. I have a name I was given, that's on my BC. That makes it my name, and I won't be changing it.

@metalkprettyoneday

Not married but gave DC partner’s name . I didn’t know what to chose really. It’s the first name that you use everyday. It hasn’t caused any problems . My mum thought that if you give the baby your name , you’re planning to leave your partner in the future ?!! -

Actually, the legal default in this country is that children have their mother's names. Yes, if she's changed her name on marriage, it may also be the dad's name, but it's the mother's name being used.

The trend for unmarried parents using the dad's name is fairly recent.

Married but didn’t take his name.

Gave DC’s his name with mine as a middle. Various reasons for this but I have to admit ingrained sexism is probably one of them.

Most women I know haven’t changed their names on marriage but almost all children have taken their father’s names so I think things maybe are changing but it will take another generation or too.