If you dont take DH's name or arent married to DC's father

[UltimateWednesday]

How did you decide which surname they have?

A discussion with some middle aged colleagues. Most said they'd got married when they had DC, at least in part because they wanted to have the same name as their children.

Obviously the children could have taken mother's surname but then father has the same issue, that he doesn't share the family name, unless he takes hers.

Hypenating is an option but how do you choose which order? IME people seem to drop the first one as they get older and even if they don't surely would if they tried to amalgate two surnames when they marry themselves?

@Destroyedpeople

No need to be snide about 'middle aged' women. I am 55 and never changed my name , ditto my stepmother who is in her 70s. Yawn.

Exactly. Where I work, the only women who changed their name when they got married are the younger ones. Pretty much everyone over the age of 40 kept their name. Some of the younger ones kept their names originally but then changed them when they had kids.

None of the men I work with changed their name.

My kids took my husbands surname.
I just thought that as I got my name from my father , they may as well take their fathers name.

I really wish I'd kept my name I have never felt that I am a 'husbands surname' it has no connection to me other than it's a name whereas my maiden name was my genetic history. I hate double barrelled surnames on kids when they've clearly been made up recently - it's a bit chavvy

I just told my partner that as we are not married ( no wish to be!) the children will have my surname.

We chose his name because sexism runs deep, I guess.

I'm sure there was a "good" reason at the time.

I sort of regret it now, but their names are their names so it's too late.

This expresses my situation perfectly.

The kids have DH’s name even though I kept mine after marriage - I didn’t want to upset lovely m-i-l.

I wish we’d used mine as a middle name though, as if I travel without him I have to get a sodding notarised letter with his permission to travel with OUR kids. Which is a faff and expensive. And even then, the kids get asked rather more detailed questions at immigration than they usually do, which is a not so minor inconvenience after a long flight.

@Destroyedpeople

No need to be snide about 'middle aged' women. I am 55 and never changed my name , ditto my stepmother who is in her 70s. Yawn.

Same here. I’m 67 in August and had no intention of changing my name. Why does everyone think feminism was invented in 2010?

I'm having this dilemma.

DP and I not married.
I have 4 children and have the same name as them.
Now pregnant with DPs baby.
I want to keep my name and have same name as children.
DP wants us to have same name like a 'family'
DP won't take my name. Lots of reasons including his identity and my name is my late husbands name.

Don't know what to do. Hyphenated doesn't really work.

Both DC have their dads surname. We were told (wrongly I now believe) that if they had my name he would have to adopt them when we got married.

We joked when I was pg with DS1 that we would double barrel our names. They sound awful either way around. Now I sometimes tell people that we made a 'new' name by taking the 1st half of mine and the 2nd half of his. Which makes his name

Split up 10 years ago and I've never been bothered that we have different names. They are very similar though. I've even been asked if I've misspelled one of them on forms

Married. Child has my name as I was adamant that I grew them so they get my name. Husband didn’t want to double barrel. He’s since changed his tune although we haven’t changed it yet but probably will. It feels fairer to take both names then the child can pick one later.

My DD has my surname-herdads and my DS’s have DPsurname space my Surname .

Wanted it to be just mine but compromised

Mine has DPs surname as I grew the baby so baby can have his surname as a compromise. Also because we intend to get married one day as well.

So passthemustard your dp doesn't want to lose his name and identity, but wants not only you but all 4 of your children to lose your name and identities, even though the last name in question is the one remaining connection the children have to their late father?! Are you sure you want to marry him, he sounds awful! Give your baby your name and he can either get over it or change his. But really, have a good hard think about how his behaviour is in other ways, because I find it hard to imagine that someone with such a disrespectful and sexist demand is a Prince charming and staunch feminist ally in every other area of his life.

Partner is double barrelled already. Child is mine + second half of his. She has his grandmother's middle name as a middle name. I'd have not bothered with middle name, but he wanted it. If we were married, I'd still keep my name.

I kept my name and DCs have my name. DH was abandoned by his father and his family as a baby , whereas I had a great relationship with my DF who died before we were married. DH was quite happy for the DCs to carry my name on as he feels no connection to anyone with his name.

Youngest DC has now asked if he can add DHs surname to his so he has both our names. I guess it is important to him as he gets older.

We're not married and DC took DP's surname. We never thought about using just mine, not sure why, maybe because it's a boring name. I think I briefly considered a double barrelled surname but couldn't be arsed.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I can kind of see @passthemustard ‘s partner’s pov in that the new child would have the late husband’s surname. It’s his child.

If it had been op’s maiden name, fair enough. But why would you want your child to not have their mum or dad’s name, but someone they previously had children with?

I know it’s her name now, but the children have their fathers name. I can see why he’d be upset that the new child doesn’t have his fathers name too...

Unmarried and now not together and the 3 ds's have his surname. I have my mum's surname (who has her dads). My grandfather was very worried about "his" name dying out as he had a daughter and convinced my mum to keep hers. My mum then had me and giving my children their dads name was the ultimate payback for my dgf being such an awful, vile man.

It meant a lot of exDP too, so everyone was happy. Except my grandfather, whose "unique" surname will die with me.

The woman's name should go first. That's the standard, there isn't a choice but some people don't know that and go for sound

What???

Married, neither I nor DH changed our names, Dc have hyphenated.

I wouldn’t have adopted any patriarchal bollocks about changing my name because it is the ‘standard’ so why on earth would I take notice of any so called rules about whose name goes first? We chose Hisname-Myname because it sounds so much better this way.

OP I second dropping the snidey ageist middle aged women shit. I am in my early 60s and I am pretty aghast at the young women today still not thinking twice before naming themselves and their kids after their partner. Active choice is fine, everyone must do what is best for them. But until it is as equally likely that a man will change his name, the kids will be named after their Mum, and men’s names magically become as hard to spell, pronounce and match to first names as women’s surnames, then this remains a feminist issue.

@bluebluezoo I completely agree with what you've just said re the pp

Married but we kept our own surname. Kids have two surnames not hyphenated both used at school at moment, they can decide what they do when older. Mine is first, DH second. Can't recall why we did it that way. Kids love that they have both our family names

Same as @forevercurious - dd's name is double barrelled, mine first then DP's as its what sounded best, will double barrel mine when we get married

I chose DH’s name as mine was made fun of when I was at school.

Not married. We have the kids a double barrelled name - both our surnames.

Not in a relationship with a man but a woman and our kids have her surname. The kids have my genes and her surname, I thought that was a fair trade. Eventually when we marry, I will have her surname as well.