If you dont take DH's name or arent married to DC's father

[UltimateWednesday]

How did you decide which surname they have?

A discussion with some middle aged colleagues. Most said they'd got married when they had DC, at least in part because they wanted to have the same name as their children.

Obviously the children could have taken mother's surname but then father has the same issue, that he doesn't share the family name, unless he takes hers.

Hypenating is an option but how do you choose which order? IME people seem to drop the first one as they get older and even if they don't surely would if they tried to amalgate two surnames when they marry themselves?

We've double barrelled until we get married

I didn't take DH's name, was happy for kids to have his surname as mine is very boring and his is more interesting!

DP and I are engaged. When we get married I'll keep my surname. I'm 6 months pregnant currently. Baby will he first name middle name his name my name. No hyphens.

@DonaldJTrumpet why should the woman's name go first? We are putting DP's first because it sounds better and I know it's more likely to be dropped than mine at the end. I'm the one growing and birthing baby.

Amazing how many women "hate" their name or "his name sounds better". I always wonder what your mother's names must have been to be happy to take on these awful names of their husbands.

Anyway, his name my name, not double barrelled, known by my name.

Fascinating how many women just automatically take their husband's name when they get married. I am middle aged, OP (it happens to all of us), and I have never given a single toss about feminism, asserting my rights, etc, etc, etc. I just liked my surname and didn't like my husband's surname, so wanted our children to have mine rather than his (even though we were married).

Its quite sad that I'm even admitting this but my daughter has her Dad's surname because mine isn't an English surname and I was horrifically bullied about it all throughout school - I didn't want her to go through the same thing

Not married, my sons have DPs surname because I'm foreign so my name is unusual and I always have to spell it out and tell people how to pronounce it. If we had brought them up in my country they would have had my name.

We both changed our surname to something entirely different when we got married, as neither of us wanted to keep our surnames. The children then got our new surname when they came along.

Married, kept my name, ds is myname-hisname, and ds at 14 really likes that he has both names and even hyphenates his initials

Me and DP have been together nearly 17 years and expecting our first child but we are not interested in the institution of marriage. Baby will have his surname alone because I don't feel much of a connection to my surname (it is my mum's ex-husband's name, whom I have no relationship with) and I feel it shows to the outside world that he is acknowledging paternity and parental responsibility, which in my experience is only every questioned on the male side - there can be no doubt this is my child. That part is important to me as it's something my biological father refused to do for me.

If I had a strong sense of connection and identity with my surname I think I would prefer both our surnames but with no hyphen. I don't really get double barrelled surnames as they can't go on forever in the same format to future generations.

Middle aged woman here married in the 1990’s didn’t name change on marriage. No regrets and zero difficulties.

@roarfeckingroar because that's the standard tradition. It's not new to keep the woman's name but the woman's name is traditionally before the mans and then the mans used in a day to day context if both aren't.

That's if they are married. Using both surnames for a child out of wedlock is obviously relatively new.

I really don't think I was being "snide" about middle aged women (I am one) it was just relevant that we all married when it was more expected/usual for women to take their husband's name and for children to have their father's.

two surnames, no hyphen.

Large parts of the world does that on a regular basis.

Surely two surnames, no hyphen ultimately means they go by the last name, even if it in childhood, then later, so how do you decide which be that will be? I bet lots of people just use the last name, even if the child doesn't.

We both changed our surnames to a new joint one.

Love that we did that - instead of it being a point of contention, we had the shared experience of changing to a new name. And obviously, one we both liked!

In that context, having a new surname was fab - really exciting. If I'd been changing to his... it wouldn't have been.

Surely two surnames, no hyphen ultimately means they go by the last name,
My siblings and I all have two surnames, no hyphen. Two of us go by both, one uses the first, one uses the last. There's no rule.

DP and I made up our child's surname.

DD has my last name only. She could have had both but her dad was a dick about it. I didn't want her to not have the same last name as me.

DS has a hyphenated surname with my surname then DPs. We choose the order because his surname first and mine second sounded awful together but much better the other way around. I am happy for DS to just be known as his surname but if we split up it will be the whole name.

If we get married (I’m not planning to) then I will add his surname to my surname so I will have the same hyphenated name as DS.

Just went with his. They both have middle names from my family. I regret not going for two surnames no hyphen, following the Spanish system. Didn’t occur to me when they were born that a Spanish passport would be worth the admin hassle for them, but then Brexit happened. Spanish form of surname from the start would have made things much easier.

We are married but have different surnames.
DC1 (who we knew would die young) had his surname and my family middle name
DC2 has a family middle name from my side and his surname, a link to his sister
DC3 has the same middle name as DC1 and my surname so linked to DC1 through middle name.

This does mean my two living children have different surnames so at least they should escape sibling comparisons

DH has two surnames but only uses his mothers’

Originally they had his surname, which is double barralled (let's say "Peterson-Lopez") and I had have my single surname (let's say "Austin"). At first I wasn't bothered. I thought his name was nicer, I had issues with my father blah blah blah. After a few years I found feminism, realised how many of my feelings about my name were based in sexism, and started to feel desperately sad about it all. So we changed their names. "Peterson" became a middle name (the actual name is a beautiful one that works well for either sex) and "Lopez-Austin" became the last name. So now neither of us have the same last name as the children, but both our names are represented. His sister and her husband have the same set up. So the whole "what do people with double barralled names do when they marry?" thing is really a non issue. I would never change my name on marriage so even if we marry one day the names will all stay the same. My only regret is that I gave the children his name to begin with. It upsets me that it's marked like that on their birth certificates. I basically wish I would have found Mumsnet a bit sooner.

My son has his father's last name because it was really important for him to have it and i didnt mind, we are getting married next year but i am keeping my own name and i dont mind that my children will always have a different last name to me, its far more important to my partner that they will have his