If you dont take DH's name or arent married to DC's father

[UltimateWednesday]

How did you decide which surname they have?

A discussion with some middle aged colleagues. Most said they'd got married when they had DC, at least in part because they wanted to have the same name as their children.

Obviously the children could have taken mother's surname but then father has the same issue, that he doesn't share the family name, unless he takes hers.

Hypenating is an option but how do you choose which order? IME people seem to drop the first one as they get older and even if they don't surely would if they tried to amalgate two surnames when they marry themselves?

ZoeCM

Well my father is a very unpleasant man who abused me, would you have preferred I gave my kids his name? No thanks. I’ve also changed my surname to my partners. I want no reminder of the man who very nearly broke me. I’m the one who doesn’t want to get married, my partner is more traditional than me and would have got married like his siblings all have, but he accepted that I have my reasons for not wanting to. Our relationship is equal, no one holds the power, after my childhood, I couldn’t be in that type of relationship. My partner is still my best friend 20 years later, the person who supported me through the issues caused by my parents. I’m happy for my children to have his surname, one that doesn’t belong to an abusive, disgusting ‘man’.

So keep your judgemental shit to yourself. I think your post probably says more about you than anyone else.

I definitely don't want you to give your child the name of your abusive father, @BeautifulCrazy - that's why I said "generally". I'm genuinely asking - do you think men usually have nicer surnames than women? I don't understand how that could possibly work, given that surnames are gender-neutral. So why are children usually given their father's surname if their parents have different names? Ingrained sexism.

DD has DH's surname because

1. DH is an only child and I'm one of many so there are many grandchildren already with my surname and none on his side
2. His surname has 3 letters unlike mine which has two capital letters and an apostrophe which confuses databases (I'm looking at you British Airways)

do you think men usually have nicer surnames than women? I don't understand how that could possibly work, given that surnames are gender-neutral. So why are children usually given their father's surname if their parents have different names? Ingrained sexism.

No I don’t think men have nicer surnames. How could they? My partners surname happens to be nicer and more unusual than mine and has the bonus that it doesn’t remind me of my abusive dad.

If children are usually given their fathers surname, I’m guessing it’s tradition. Historically women changed their names when they got married and children came after. Personally I think marriage is outdated and maybe I’d have given my kids my old surname if it didn’t come attached to an awful man. Ultimately I don’t think it really matters, it’s whether you are a good parent that really counts.

And the reason I had an issue with your post ZoeCM was because you said ‘I knew before I even opened this thread that it would be full of women saying they gave their children their partner's name because...... ‘. You made it sound like women were making up excuses. The fact I gave my children my partners surname because
‘I have a bad relationship with my dad and don't want to pass on his name‘, is not an excuse. It’s a valid reason.

Come on! Surnames are unisex - if they weren't, we wouldn't even be having this conversation,

OH name is not "nicer" , however it is British. I've had a lot of shit thrown at me in this country for being foreign and EEuropean (surname very obviously so) to boot and small things like some of my coworkers still can't spell or say my Surname right, surname wrong on my bank card etc. and I didn't want that for DD.