If you dont take DH's name or arent married to DC's father

[UltimateWednesday]

How did you decide which surname they have?

A discussion with some middle aged colleagues. Most said they'd got married when they had DC, at least in part because they wanted to have the same name as their children.

Obviously the children could have taken mother's surname but then father has the same issue, that he doesn't share the family name, unless he takes hers.

Hypenating is an option but how do you choose which order? IME people seem to drop the first one as they get older and even if they don't surely would if they tried to amalgate two surnames when they marry themselves?

I hyphenated with dh's but dc have his surname alone. Not because he is a man but simply because I assumed they would have a closer connection to his culture, where they grew up, than to mine, which they visited for the occasional holiday. And to anyone not in that culture, my surname is very difficult to pronounce: even my dh can't get it right though he is reasonably fluent in the language.

I did give ds a first name from my culture though and that has caused some difficulties for him, so probably helpful that he does have his British surname too. You hope these things won't happen, but they do.

Flip a coin.

Or agree in advance if it's a girl it gets my name, if boy gets your name (or vice versa).

Our first was 21 years ago so just went with his as it was less of a thing back then. Im still the only different one different in the household which Im really amused by, when the kids get to an age where they realise I have a different name I usually tell them 'eeurgh, I wouldnt want to be one of you toe rags!' followed by a bit of fake gagging, which would then end in a bit of wrestling

Took DHs name because mine is Irish and no one could ever spell or say it right, and as it's more unusual I didn't like it. DHs name is very English and normal.

DGS has Son-out-law's surname, which will save him from a lifetime of hitting people for getting our surname wrong.

We are married and I kept my name. We have 2 daughters, one 33 the other 24. DD1 has my surname and DD2 my husband’s. DD1 got married a couple of years ago and kept her surname. It works for my family.

Over 50 here; married. Didn’t even occur to me to change my name or to ask husband to change his.
Children have my surname

We’re married but I kept my name. DS has DH’s name because I chose his first name and because I don’t speak to any of my father’s family (whose name I have).

Married. Did not change my name. DC has a first name, a middle name and both our surnames as her surname. No hyphen.

Not married. DS has DH's name, because I have a very very common surname and his is more distinct, and is also earlier in the alphabet. It also flowed better with the first name we chose, and DS's middle name is from my side of the family so he has a bit of both.

Dp has a much nicer surname than mine, mine doesn't sound nice and people never spell it properly. We are not married but I toyed with changing my name to match the kids tried it out for a while then changed my mind. Had I liked my own name we likely would have still went with dps he feels a connection with his name because he has a common first name his surname marked him out where as I was the opposite I love my first name but could take or leave my surname.

I always wonder if you have 2 surnames then when you get married/have kids with someone else with 2 do you pick 1 or 1 from each or have all 4? And then you have to worry about who to offend. It seems like creating a possible problem further up the line for your kids.

We chose my partners surname as I hate my father so didn’t want to ‘carry on his name’ and my partners surname is much nicer.
I don’t think it’s important which name they have though, the children are both of yours regardless of name.

Married and DC have DH’s surname because it is more unusual and also easier to spell.

@ Destroyedpeople
+1

My parents are divorced and my mum remarried, what with my siblings being adults and married now, I only have the same surname as about 2 of my family members. So it's not a big deal to me.

The baby has his last name.
I don't know what I'll do if and when we get married though. I'm attached to my name. Might not change it.

I'm married so kids have husbands name. I haven't and won't ever change my surname, been married 13 years.

IndieRo, how do you mean, ‘so’?
Being married doesn’t affect the fact that you could choose any surname fir the kids, his, yours, combined or invented.

Among my friendship group (which spans ages approx 28-78) I know of just two other women who have kept their own surname on marriage.
Both of them are a similar age to me (early 50s).

Double barreled. If he had objected to that then dd would have had my surname.

I’m married, kept my own name and the kids have my name too. It’s a complete non-issue.

We have one each.

Initially I registered the second with DP's surname like the eldest having waivered on the original plan, thinking that the eldest would feel left out by having a different name to his brother. When it became clear that eldest didn't care at all, I deed-polled the youngest to my name, as I'd originally wanted.

We're no less a family because of different names, and I'm way to old to muck about changing mine now.

My surname hyphenated his surname. Sounded better that way.

I don’t technically have a surname as in me handing it down to my son would make it out for my son to be my dad’s daughter! My “surname” is my dad’s name + daughter. We could have made one out of my partners name but that would sound like another proper surname, think Johnson or done my name + son but that would have made it 14 letters and constantly spelling it out.

So we went with his dad’s common surname. Surnames aren’t something big in my culture, and there I have never even heard it out loud apart from graduating from school or the like.

Might add that we have travelled together numerous times just me and my son on different passports and never had any problems. Not shown his birth certificate once.

I knew before I even opened this thread that it would be full of women saying they gave their children their partner's name because "his name is just nicer/he's the last in his line/it's just a name, it's not important to me/his name is easier to pronounce/mine is too difficult to spell/I have a bad relationship with my dad and don't want to pass on his name, etc. etc."

Come on! Surnames are unisex - if they weren't, we wouldn't even be having this conversation, because a boy would automatically get his father's surname and a daughter would get her mother's! There's no such thing as a male or female surname, so what are the odds that the man's is usually better? Surely there are men who have poor relationships with their fathers, and women who are the last in their family line?

I think women generally give children their father's surname either because the man has more power in the relationship, or she doesn't want people to think she's domineering and he's hen-pecked.

As an aside, it annoys me when men don't want to marry their partners because marriage is patriarchal, but are quite happy for their child to be given their surname.

We are married for 40 years. DC have my last name and something from DH’s family as middle names.