If you dont take DH's name or arent married to DC's father

[UltimateWednesday]

How did you decide which surname they have?

A discussion with some middle aged colleagues. Most said they'd got married when they had DC, at least in part because they wanted to have the same name as their children.

Obviously the children could have taken mother's surname but then father has the same issue, that he doesn't share the family name, unless he takes hers.

Hypenating is an option but how do you choose which order? IME people seem to drop the first one as they get older and even if they don't surely would if they tried to amalgate two surnames when they marry themselves?

DD has her dad's surname and I regret it and it makes us always get questioned by border control when travelling. DS has my surname, OH understood that I wasn't going to change my mind on that.

I am married, I kept my name because it’s mine. Children have my name as an extra middle name. They might wish to use their extra middle name as a surname in future I guess.
Friend of mine not married has a partner, they both have their own names, child has a completely different surname. Other friends married, both have an amalgamation of their original names chaned using deedpoll and child also has that as surname. (Think Tyler, Woods = Tywood, that sort of thing). When you have a child in the UK you can give it whatever name you want for first and surname, so people are a lot more creative these days.

I didn't change my name, partly because I like my name and was used to it, partly because I dislike boring administrative tasks and that's mostly what a name change consists of, partly because he comes from a different cultural naming convention which is too complicated to be bothered to explain.

DC have a different surname to both of us, partly because in DH's culture the girls don't get the family name. We had DS first but we didn't know whether we would have a girl later (we did) so we wanted them to have the same last name. DH is commonly known by the last name that we gave the DC, but it's not really his surname. His real surname is nearly impossible to spell so it's only used for plane tickets (in order to match his passport) and the tax man.

Dd have both our names, no hyphen. We argued about the order but eventually went for one way because of a famous person. I think it’s weird to call dc after their fathers only or change your name on marriage like you are a possession.

Married. I kept my name. DS has DH's name as the only surviving child in that family. I have siblings that can carry on my family name. It does niggle a bit sometimes but couldn't see a way around it at the time. We both have multi-syllable surnames that sound ridiculous when spoken together. If I could turn the clock back I would have put my surname as a second middle name on his birth certificate that he wouldn't ever need to use in everyday life but we'd know it was there.

Both surnames, mine first, no hyphen.
I am married but didn't change my name. DH didn't change his either.

Not married. I just said that I wanted child to have my name and he said "ok". She'll have his as an additional middle name, which makes sense as he has his mum's surname as a middle name.

If we ever get married maybe we'll all change to his, we'll see (I don't think he'd want to change to mine, which is fair enough) .

We're married, I kept my name as I saw no reason to change it.
DC's (born before we married) have DH's surname.
We agreed that, it was partly my gift to him, partly because he feels more strongly about family than I do, and his family has a long history whereas my surname heritage effectively (then) ended at my DF.
The DCs have asked about it a couple of times, but we've never had any problems. Their name is now their name to change or keep as they choose.

I am married (and middle aged as it happens) and I didn't change my name. Our children have DH's surname. We considered double barrelling and indeed my DH comes from a culture where that is very common so his family actually expected it. But we both have long surnames (even if DH only uses half of his!). It would have been a real mouthful and frankly sounded a bit daft so we decided against it. You have to pick something, and whilst I agree that it doesn't have to be the father's name, equally there is no reason why it shouldn't be.
We wanted our children to have straightforward first names that are common in this country and we picked names that have been used for generations within my family. So it seemed fair that as they have first names representative of my family and culture, their surname reflects their father's.

They got dh name. He had grown up his whole.life expecting dc to have his name. I hadn't. Having said that, he really wanted dd to.have my name. He felt that made sense. But while I agree with his thinking, I couldn't face the questions and explanations. I already seem to constantly have to justify why I didn't take dh name etc. I just felt unable to cope with more even knowing that his suggestion made sense.

@UltimateWednesday I have never come across someone who picks one of my kids surnames over the other they just use both.

Kid has my name his name no hyphen.

If they don't use both names I correct them.

I have only had to make one correction when the GP managed to hyphen it on the system and then only used one name.

Most people don't bat an eyelid when they see it on forms, what flummoxes them more is my wedding ring and I am a Miss.

GP made a fuss "because the name should be hyphenated" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I asked her on what basis it should be hyphenated?

Married. I use dh's name on social media. Everything else is in my name. Currently a sahm but previously worked in a field where that separation was useful and intend going back to something similar.

The kids have dh's name.

Hyphenated. We went for me-him as it flows better than him-me.

We chose his name as there were many of my name...basically I didn't care too much - I just wanted to keep my name - too weird not to.

Dd has Hisurname Mysurname, not hyphenated. She can drop one when she grows up, if she wants, it wouldn't bother me. But at the moment, she travels quite a bit with one parent or the other, so having both is practical.

Divorced, I never even considered taking ExH’s surname. I’ve known my whole life that I would never change my name.

Our children have my surname. I was adamant that I wanted to have the same surname as my kids. ExH wasn’t that bothered. I would have been happy to choose a new family surname together but ExH really didn’t want to change his name. So he suggested that they have my surname.

Ex and I have never had any issues with this; we made the decision and that was that. But my word do some other people have a problem with it. One person said to me, “But what if DS has children and they take their mother’s name too?” like it was some enormous ‘gotcha’. It’s his name, it’s his business. Maybe he’ll even choose to take his father’s name when he’s older; I’ve no idea.

Oh and I’m middle aged. As a pp said, feminism wasn’t invented in 2010!

We're not married but will be getting a Civil Partnership post COVID. Currently pregnant with a boy. He will get Baby His name My name. I'm unsure about the hyphen, I haven't really looked into the difference to be honest!

It was very important to me not only to keep my own last name (which I chose, I was not given it), and also for all my children to have it too. No objections to his Dad feeling the same about his child having his name!

DP really wanted his name to go first. I agreed, to look like I was being nice, but actually it's because my last name is a popular boy's name and I didn't want people thinking it was his middle name the fact that it's on the end makes sure they know it's a last name!

My dc all have their father's name. Mine led to me being bullied at school so I would never have given it to my child. As an adult, having got through school with my name, I go by my original one.

Not married when we had the DC’s but are now. Kids have my surname and I also kept my surname.

Reasons - DH family was just his mum. His surname was also his step dads name so he didn’t feel any connection. I come from a bigger family, more connections and I knew I wouldn’t change my name on marriage.

I am married and 47, and it never occurred to me to change my name — it’s a patriarchal hangover, redolent of the marriage bar and women not being able to take out mortgages alone, and I’m astonished anyone does it.

The only discussion we had about DS’s surname was in which order he would have our surnames. There was never any question that he wouldn’t have both our names.

But the alternative blue is that the children who have already been through the trauma of losing their dad, have his name, the name they've grown up with their whole lives, removed from them in preference of a step father. That they take the name of a man who isn't even related to them rather than keep their own name. Lots and lots of step mothers take their new husbands name, giving them the same name as the ex wife and that doesn't seem to bother anyone. But a man sharing a name with another man is unthinkable. It's just that old idea that men own their names while women only borrow them. It's sexist bullshit. If it were just between him and his fiance then I could kind of get it, but being so cruel and selfish that you would try to strip children of the name which links them to their late father, just to validate your misogyny, is repulsive.

DW didn't take my name, but DCs did. TBH i don't even remember discussing it that much. It was just sort of taken as read that was what we would be doing

We weren't married when we had DD; we registered her with a hyphenated surname.

Later on I changed my name to be the same as hers. DP plans to do the same, but there's no hurry.

The only thing I regret slightly is that, because we gave DD long first names (and plural at that) along with a hyphenated surname, she is going to curse us whenever she fills out forms!

The dc have DH's surname rather than mine. It mattered more to him than me. Their forenames mattered more to me and I had my way on that.

I'm married but didn't change my name. Children have my name because less common than DH's. DH not bothered. I find the whole changing name thing very odd. I'm late 50s and married late 30s so maybe I was too set in my ways!