Just found out my school bully is dead

[EmbarrassedUser]

This woman made my life hell most days for 5 years and I found out today she died at the age of 32. My teenage self used to cry every night at her antics and I’d wish that she was dead but now I feel sad for both her and her family. Cancer is so cruel and it’s such a shame. I think that dying at 32 is very unfair (in general, Hitler etc I could make exceptions)

Has anyone else ever got upset over someone passing that they never thought they’d give a shiny shit about?

It's a very unsettling scenario, if that's the right word. A girl who bullied me relentlessly at school died in her 20's of anorexia. There were outpourings of grief over her death and people speaking about how wonderful she was and how sad it was.

It was very odd because, yes, it was objectively incredibly that a young woman lost her life to such a traumatic mental illness. It also perhaps put some of her behaviour towards me into context. But.... she was still a cow who made my life a misery.

Incredibly SAD that was meant to say....

I think that it's really generous of you to feel sad. I would be shocked if I found out that someone I knew had died so young, and I hope that I wouldn't be so callous as to gloat but I don't think I would be upset. So often, when adults meet former bullies, the nasty teenager seems to have just grown into a nasty adult. You're really showing a lot of maturity and empathy in your reaction (more than I think I would have).

A couple of girls who bullied DD at school have since had quite severe mental health issues. I suspect that this might be part of the reason she was bullied. In hindsight it is easy to forgive, but one of the girls made DD so miserable that she started self harming and became borderline anorexic. She is still on the anti anxiety medication she needed as a result of the bullying. This all happened 6 years ago.

My bully turned out to be a 30 year old drug addict.
I felt quiet sad about it. Turns out after they moved, she and her little sister had a horrible neglectful upbringing, she turned to drugs and the sister didn't (she was a bully before the family split and the Mum moved countries) So sad though.

Not quite the same, but the girl who made my life hell for five years at school recently murdered someone else that I have a connection with. During the court case lots emerged about her life that I did not know and her mental state/drug taking. I am conflicted in my feelings. She was bright and could, sometimes be quite nice. But on the other hand, she was clearly a psychopath/took drugs in addition to her mental health problems. I regularly have dreams about her where I reach out to her in prison and feel genuinely very sorry for her, but am also very afraid of her at the same time! My feelings are not straight forward at all in relation to her, what happened and to what extent she was culpable for her crimes.

It was a very weird feeling and almost like closing a door on how she made me feel. I mean it’s all in the past now but she’d do some nasty things and I never understood why it was me she singled out? Maybe she had her own issues. I’ll never get to see her to explain her actions but to be honest I doubt she would anyway. I hope she rests in peace and her DH is ok.

It is discombobulating and upsetting, OP. I think the fact you can feel upset means you have moved on and matured, and are the bigger person. Feeling empathy for others even when they have treated you poorly means you are a kind and sensitive person.

I would feel very sad for her family. That would be the extent of my sadness I think.

Ive just looked up my school bully on facebook to see how id feel about seeing her nasty face again and to think about how id feel if something happened to her. The woman who made my life a living hell for 5 years has children now so i think id be sad for them but thats as far as it goes. I saw her face and instantly felt sad, angry and hurt again. You are a braver person than me OP i dont think id be able to feel sad for her.

My BIL's school bully died recently (we are all in our 50s now), when DH told him the news, you could literally see the weight of his world being lifted off his shoulders along with a massive sigh of relief. It was quite moving.

You're a bigger person than I am.

I had this happen to me. The girl was drink driving and hit a car carrying other passengers. It wasn’t the first time she’d done it either. In hindsight as an adult, I think she had so many issues stemming from a broken childhood (rich only in money) and I think that’s why she was bloody awful to me and others.

I felt incredible guilt even now thinking of her that way. But grieving comes in different form. Just a very weird situation OP.

My school bully made my life a living hell for years, to the point I was afraid to leave my house and my hair started falling out with the stress. She physically, verbally and psychologically abused me, and went so far as to have her cronies do the same. I was slapped, punched, my nose was burst, my glasses broken, my hair pulled out, my hair SET ON FIRE in the lunch queue, rumours were started, they jeered at me in the corridor... I would happily erase it all from my memory if I could. The way she treated me had a profound effect on me.

We're now 30 and she has recently come back into the periphery of my life as I found out her long-term partner is the brother of my brother's fiancee. Basically it means that I'm going to have to face her for the first time since I was 16 at my brother's wedding next year. I feel sick at the thought and the seating plan is already being drawn up in line with the fact that my family and I don't want to be within 100 miles of her!

It's sad when someone dies young but you're a bigger person than I am, OP. I don't think I could muster up any sympathetic feelings towards my bully.

It is a weird feeling OP! Basically because you are a kind, empathetic person and because cancer is a terrible illness. And you will now ever find out why she targeted you. But would you have found out had she still been alive? The reasons were most likely that she was jealous of you, unhappy herself, and that she perceived a weakness in you,so she could get away with it. It's probably no more specific than that. And had it not been you, it would have been someone else. That said, yes, You can feel sympathy for her family etc, whilst also feeling relieved that she's gone. Unfortunately cancer doesn't distinguish and lots of really lovely people/innocent children die of it (including some who would have been bullied too). Perhaps, focus your sympathy on those people and also on your 11 year old self too!

Forgiving her release you from bitterness.
You seem to have already done that.

Say a prayer for her and her family, and let go of the memories, she has had her karma!

It's sad. It's all sad.

Sad that she was clearly an unhappy, unkind person as a teen.

Sad at what you had to go through.

Sad that anyone dies young.

None of those things 'cancel out' or justify the other if you see what I mean.

I think your response is very empathetic and wise.

My school bully died aged 27 - I felt very conflicted when I first heard. She taunted and mocked me throughout primary school and well into secondary school. It was only when I found my own little tribe of like-minded friends, and developed a bit of a backbone, she stopped. She never married, never had children, never had a decent career, her parents lost their only child and any chance of grandchildren - if that was karma, then karma is cruel.

I remember, in my early 20s, talking with an acquaintance when the topic of bullying came up. He commented that all the nasty boys he'd known at school had already died - accidents I imagine in the main. It was an intriguing point to be honest.

I agree though with those who feel you are a better person than I am, there are at least a couple of girls (and one teacher) I knew in primary school who I wouldn't mourn at all I'm afraid.

I always wondered why people pretended dreadful people who died were these perfect individuals. Someone really unpleasant at school died in a car crash while we were in high school, and everyone pretended he had been this light in their lives. I spent that month wondering whether I lived on a different planet. I thought then, and think now, that I'd much prefer people to be honest about their relationships and interactions with me once I die. I want to be remembered as human, and fallible, and imperfect. However quietly, I want people to hold me accountable, because I only do what I feel is justifiable.

As I've gotten older, I think that the sadness people hold - especially victims of these people - is more to do with the sadness of a wasted life. Either because of their behaviour, or because they failed to ever correct it properly.

OP, you are as others have said here, a kind and empathetic person. I hope you're never bullied again.

Amusedbush - sorry to hear your nightmare has returned. I very much hope your brother isn't marrying into a bad family (as his fiancee's brother is the long-term partner of a vicious bully). Does he know this about them?

At least you'll have the rest of your family around you at the wedding. And with luck you'll be able to go on seeing your brother without having to socialise with his in-laws.

22 years ago I remember hearing that my very, very physically and emotionally abusive foster mother died. I heard 5 years after she died -and she died just a few days after I gave birth to my son. I only heard because I was and still suffer from PTSD and called her to ask why she treated me the way she did before handing me back to S.S after I exploded one day and attacked her daughter after years and years of abuse from her and the family. Last year I saw on Facebook that her husband who sexually abused me had also died. There were so many posts saying what a kind person he was. And apart from when he was abusing me -he was!
One of their older sons also physically and sexually abused me.
Their youngest son and daughter physically and emotionally abused me. But their eldest son was quite normal and kind to everyone - but I always wonder what he thought of what he saw and what made him different to his siblings.
These children are now in their 50& 60's with children and grand children of their own and have gone on to have relatively prosperous lives. I haven't and am still angry and bitter that I didn't tell anybody at the time . Instead I was seen as a bad child for behaving the way I did because nobody helped even when they knew how abusive They were. The only reason I knew that the way they treated me in the home was not normal was because I had kind teachers and friends who were kind to me and their parents too- even though I was often not kind to them. so I could see what normal was like when I went to their houses. I was never allowed a friend to the house as it was not my house - so up til now I have to check myself sometimes as I hate injustice and dishonesty from adult to children who don't have a voice but know I can also bully - not to the same degree obviously but occasionally it rears its ugly head!

Forgot to add
My feelings on Death of them - just disappointed in myself for not having the courage to confront anyone of them!

thanks for this thread OP.

This is very poignant: "I regularly have dreams about her where I reach out to her in prison and feel genuinely very sorry for her, but am also very afraid of her at the same time!"

many sympathies to the poster who has to face a bully again.

I have two people where I've thought "I wouldn't feel sad if you died".
Then a few weeks ago I had to go through a biopsy myself and whilst waiting for the results (which were fine) I felt differently.

It's the fact that it's now too late for anything to change.