Just found out my school bully is dead

[EmbarrassedUser]

This woman made my life hell most days for 5 years and I found out today she died at the age of 32. My teenage self used to cry every night at her antics and I’d wish that she was dead but now I feel sad for both her and her family. Cancer is so cruel and it’s such a shame. I think that dying at 32 is very unfair (in general, Hitler etc I could make exceptions)

Has anyone else ever got upset over someone passing that they never thought they’d give a shiny shit about?

A few of the people who bullied me at school have since become generally decent people. I've since found out more about their rough childhoods and can clearly see it was a reaction to their situation. They've all got relatively normal/successful lives now.

However, I grew up witnessing domestic violence and abuse and had several issues around that. I didn't torment anyone and simply withdrew into myself instead. I have friends who saw parents die, and go into the foster system and again they never hounded anyone with the venom my bullies did me.

So I don't hate them or wish them ill will any more, but I don't forgive them.

There were a few girls at school who tried to bully me a bit at School - one lived in a children's home and she tried to corner me a few times on the way home but the last time she tried I retaliated and from then on it was just filthy looks at every opportunity. Saw her in our home town a few years ago, we clocked each other and she looked pretty sheepish. She was a mess - I only recognised her as she had quite distinctive eyes when she was younger.

Another girl that just took a dislike to me, again just name calling and filthy looks, died in her 30's and I wasn't sorry. I ended up working with her once and I was her supervisor. I kept it very professional and I was all smiles and said not to worry about the last but silently held a grudge.

Leg warmers ... so sorry for what you suffered... I wonder if the remaining abusers are still causing harm... maybe social services should know their names.. stay anonymous but can’t help wishing some one was alerted to these 50/60 year olds who may well have beeen abused before they became abusers ...how else can we stop the cycle ...good luck tho.

I wouldn't give a shit if my bullies died horrific deaths at any age. I really wouldn't.

Completely agree.

@Kaathesnake, no my lovely, you didn't upset me so no worries on that part. Sometimes people's kindness is just very touching and I thank you for that.

It makes you wonder what goes on in kids' minds to bully a 9 year-old because she's lost her mum, which is already a desperately grim situation. It rips my heart out that any child has to go through this and it's so horrible that classmates could use it as an excuse to victimise anyone.
I'm definitely of the opinion that I wouldn't piss on any of them if they were on fire, and tbh, would probably go a long way further than that with some of them.

I would love to know if the vile bullies at work were bullies when they were children, as their entitlement to do so seems to be all-consuming. Somehow though, they were always surrounded by acolytes and ass-kissers. I also suspect that as I was not one of their entourage or young and gorgeous, these were more reasons why I was targeted. One of the other reasons was being female in a mostly male-dominated area for one of my jobs, so of course viewed as a 'soft' target.
I also wonder if my earlier experiences at school removed what little confidence I had to stand up against them and helped to perpetuate the process, not that I'm remotely blaming anyone (self included) for the actions of those who enjoy others' misery, fear and pain.
Nowadays, I hate bullies so much that if I'm ever in a situation to speak out in defence of someone on the receiving end (especially where I know what's going on), I try to do so. It's fake confidence and I shake like a leaf afterwards, but always feel better for having done so. It's also quite odd as I can support others much more easily than I can speak out for myself.
My mum's friend's grandson was always bullied by a boy at school who was so much bigger and stronger than the others, taking great delight in jumping on the smaller boys and bringing them down to the ground in a headlock. His mother and grandmother always excused him by saying that he was 'energetic, playful and had no malice in him'. He was a horrible bully who made other children very fearful and miserable, quite apart from the physical injuries he inflicted.
The more of these posts I'm reading, the more I want to kick back against the horrible perpetrators.

Apologies for waffling too much!

Be glad why feel guilty there is so much hypocrisy about people dying young. Mean people are mean people who poison their bodies with meanness. Sorry but what goes around comes around.

OP, you are truly a spectacularly good person. Have to say, if I found out that any of the girls who made my life hell throughout secondary school had died, I'd have to ask "In how much pain?". Terrible, I know.

@Ferret27
I have never had the courage or mental capacity to take it forward. I have my S.S file and it is evident that one of my social workers and teacher had an idea at least about the physical/emotional abuse from one of the children, but did not remove me from the family for that reason- rather after years and years of abuse I was removed for attacking one of her children in retaliation. So my point is that if you asked some people who I went to school with - they would say "Legwarmers" was a bit of a bully - but I was learning it from somewhere and it was to cover the horrendous life I had - to be fair when I left the family my behaviour and character changed dramatically and for the better and even the teachers mentioned this. I was a much spoiler person. As children we are scared to speak out even as fully grown adult I am scared to tell anyone in any real depth. As it is a very painful part of My life. But what I find hard to swallow is adults who are willing to turn a blind eye!

*spoiler = happier!

My school bully had a really tough home life that we all knew of at least vaguely even when we were in about Y5 as she used to have awful flashbacks. Later on her brother killed himself. She also went to prison but I don’t know what for. I know she is now happy in a stable relationship. She threatened me with a (she said fake) knife when we were in Y8 (among many other things she did/said to me) so maybe I should feel angrier towards her but instead I just feel sad that her upbringing was so horrible. I hope that now she has the peace and happiness she clearly lacked as a child.

I definitely wouldn't lose sleep if anything happened to the people that bullied me at school. It caused me a lot of self esteem issues, problems with alcohol and a basic inability to deal with difficult situations.

One thing that I did enjoy slightly was finding out that one of them had been sacked from her job for bullying a coworker and has struggled to find a job ever since because of her reputation. I have no doubt that she is mentally ill but I can't choose to blame it on that when most people I know with mental illness are actually really nice.

I have worked with several people who love to bully others in the workplace, but who are very clever about it - lots of manipulation, twisting of the truth and setting people against one another. I've seen them reported to HR, yet they can switch on the charm and always twist the facts to make it look like their victim is just making it up, or victimising them. I reported my then boss once and was basically told that even if he admitted it (which he wouldn't) he wouldn't get sacked, and it would probably make the situation worse for me, so best to drop it.
He's no longer my line manager, but my career has definitely been marred by him and his influence. I would feel like a great weight had been lifted if I found out he had died.

A few things to add:

We all react differently of course but I personally don't have the time or energy for the anger that some people on this thread (clearly, understandably) feel towards their former bullies. I don't have the headspace or life space to feel that towards those who bullied me. I hardly ever think about them, in fact. Possibly the ultimate hallmark of having got over it? It took 3 rounds of counselling though (age 12, 15 and 19 - though there were other issues too, both related and unrelated to the bullying).

Secondly, I actually kind of laughed wryly at myself after writing my original post as of course there was more than one person who bullied me. I can't even count them all in fact.
What was almost more hurtful was the fact that so many so-called friends just stood by and watched it happen. They never participated but never once stood up for me either.

Two of the people who bullied me subsequently apologised, when we were adults. That took a lot of courage for them to do, I am sure. I would attribute this at least partly to them having had children and perhaps looking at those children and, remembering their own actions towards others, hoping it doesn't happen to their own offspring and feeling compelled to apologise in order to offset those actions.

We all react differently of course but I personally don't have the time or energy for the anger that some people on this thread (clearly, understandably) feel towards their former bullies. I don't have the headspace or life space to feel that towards those who bullied me

Fair enough but just because it didn't effect you like it did others, it gives you no right to dismiss how other people react.

I give it 'head space' because over 30 years later it still effects me badly, and yes I've had therapy.

I wouldn't piss on my bullies if they were on fire. Seriously.

@Legwarmer ...I understand ..I knew the girl that tried to bully me at school must have something going on in her home as she was ready to pick fights with anyone she thought wouldn’t fight back... you must always do what is best for your mental health ... if you ever have the strength to share what happened fully with someone who can help you and warn others about the perpetrators then great ..if not that’s ok too ..no one can sit in judgment as most of us will never really understand how cruelty by anyone can be meted out to a adult never mind a defenceless child...you write with a real empathy and wisdom and I wish you well .... Like BLK Lives Matter I don’t think we do enough to stop what bad stuff happens in homes and in care homes .. people have to stop turning away as if it’s going to change on its own .

My bully turned out to be a deputy head and safeguarding officer at a secondary school. She was absolutely horrific to me for about 3 years. I’d be less shocked if she was dead.

@mamasiz - it would be interesting to know if that school has an issue with bullying. There are bullies in all schools but it's only a problem if the adults in charge don't tackle it. DC were at a primary school whose head said 'We don't have bullying at our school. We're a friendly school'. They didn't even have a bullying policy which I had to point out to them was illegal. Unsurprisingly bullying was rife and swept under the carpet. I'm only a bit ashamed to say that when I learned the head of that school had to retire early due to life-shortening illness I didn't much care. He was so smug about his 'lovely' school and 'wonderful' staff and turned a blind eye to all sorts of bullying including escalating physical violence.

@monkeyonthetable it certainly would be interesting. She made my life such a misery - she would have had to have had a serious change of personality in order to meet the requirements of that role. Strangely enough I worked in safeguarding in social care for years - would have been very interesting had our paths crossed at that time!