I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

Any advice?

Have you tried reward charts? So he has to have a good day to earn the credit. Let him know exactly what it is you expect and how he can earn rewards. There also should be consequences for not doing the things he should be.

he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

What happened next? What did you do? What did he do?

Find a consequence that matters to him and then stick to it when you say you will. Has he got a device he's addicted to, for example? Take it off him and make him earn screen-time through good behaviour.

Hi

Thank you, for replying

@Hawkin - There is no consequences/discipline put in place.

@Wishandwonder - No I haven’t (thanks for suggesting it) I know it just wouldn’t work.

@Tableclothing - I said “this it what you asked for... ok, is there something else you’d like” he said he wanted strawberries and kiwis, I prepared them for him and put the bagel in the fridge hopefully he will decide he wants it later.

@FourPlasticRings - Oh yes, it’s either the Nintendo Switch or The Sims 4 on his laptop.

Did you wrap the bagel up and put it in the fridge? Then refuse an alternative?

So you’ve no discipline and no consequences and let an 8 year old have whatever he wants? You need to stop being his friend and be his mother ffs

I am a mum if boys

Boys learn how to behave/respect women (including their mum) from male role models. Is their dad in the pictures? Uncles, granddads? How do these men treat you?

It’s much harder if you are being undermined by a man they look up to

What did you do with the bagel? What else is happening?

I think too much power, for want of a better word, does make children unhappy as they can feel insecure if their adult isn't in charge.

Given you've said there's no discipline/consequences I would advise putting those in place immediately. Of course he's going to be rude and disobey without fear of consequences!

Plenty of resources on here/online or on YouTube (super nanny) to explain how to do this

Yes, he sounds like he's suffering from a shortage of boundaries. I'd use the switch or the Sims and build a system around that. I'd probably start with the full complement- say an hour or two hours (depending on what he's currently on) to be used on whichever screen activity he likes and then knock off ten minutes for every non-compliance and thirty for every flat out refusal. That way he doesn't lose the whole lot for one error but there's consistently a reason not to disobey.

ok, is there something else you’d like” he said he wanted strawberries and kiwis, I prepared them for him and put the bagel in the fridge hopefully he will decide he wants it later.

This is the problem. Stop catering to every whim. Bring in consequences. If he didn't want what he originally asked for, he could have made his own snack or waited for the next meal.

I'm in my 40s, and no way would I have got away with that with my mother.

Reset the system every day and go from there. So, if he can use his screen time from 4 p.m. every day, from that point on every refusal/non-compliance knocks time off the next day's screen allowance. Make it his choice. So, 'you can come here and get your schoolwork started now or you can lose ten minutes of screen time. Which are you going to pick?' And if he doesn't pick, just say, 'Thats the screen time gone then. What a shame. I'll be back in give minutes and if you're not doing your school work by then it'll be another ten minutes off. Your choice.' etc.

But you absolutely have to be firm on the time limits. So if he's entitled to forty minutes for one day he doesn't get a minute more. You give him a warning after thirty minutes that he needs to get saved up as he only has forty minutes and they're coming to an end- there will be no waiting for checkpoints/save points. And then you stop him at 40. If there's pushback, you keep calm and dock tomorrow's minutes, using the language of choice.

What relationship do you and the 18yo have? The 8yo is watching this.

Does the 18yo do whatever he wants? What is that? Does he have self-discipline and drive? Does he show you respect? Does he respond well to reasonable requests from you? Does he pull his weight domestically?

Agree with pp. He was asked and had on offer what he chose for breakfast. He gets no other choice. What are you hoping to achieve by catering to every whim? A 8 yo could even get his own breakfast. Or is there an underlying additional need which you have not disclosed? How did you parent your elder dc that he seems to think differently? Could 18yo watch him while you shop?

If you cannot assume authority insist it is the school who require him to "attend" and submit work. No reward for just doing the basics whiel you nag.

I also find that access to tech is the optimum negotiation point with mine. They have an allowence, but time is eroded for poor behaviour and attitudes, and time gained for positive behaviour.

If we are going for a walk, tech time does not happen unless they go for the walk. They can have tech until x time, so the quicker they get into gear and get a decent pace on, the more tech they get. It works with things like household jobs too.

Try to keep things connected to natural consequences where practical and avoid random punishments.

Don't go too heavy handed. Save yourself wriggle room and give them chances to correct and redeem themselves. When my DCs say something in a rude way they are given the chance to try again politely. If they then refused to modify their behaviour, then they'd start facing consequences.

DS1 has SNs so school work is a seperate issue with us as there is a genuine collection of issues there, but he needs clear boundaries and it is hard work constantly reinforcing expected behaviours/ attitudes and incentives/ consequences as it just does not become automatic to him. It's a ball ache, but better dealing with it now than suddenly having a near impossible battle with an intolerable teenager, and I have seen too many teenagers with despairing parents who left it very late. (Obviously it's not a cure for teenagering, but better that teenagering is a blip in the life of a person with decent boundaries to begin).

You need to get him where it hurts- make him earn screen time, don't just give it to him. Say he can have 2 hours a day for example but that can be decreased for unacceptable behaviours and increased if he shows a positive attitude with learning and eating etc

Why oh why don’t people smooth all this out in the toddler years?! Set limits! I wouldn’t let my dd disrespect me! You need to balance it out with being fun though, can’t always be telling them off but set clear boundaries.

Respect, kindness, safety, school work done ect. Write a list of basics, tell him the rules. He’s 8 he can understand consequences. Take away his screen, I wouldn’t hear a single insult. I carried my baby, fed her clothes her cleaned her! Think I’m letting her disrespect me?!?!?! She’s only 18 months so I’m awhile off. so I’ll come back I. Few years and maybe it’s a different story but I certainly think I’ll be sticking to rules ect. Same as my upbringing.

FGS are you running a cafe?

Simple thing - I wouldnt have offered an alternative breakfast.

Smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel is hardly unappetizing cereal. That was just a power play and he won it.

And he should have made it himself.

An example.

My son was terrible for putting his laundry in the wash. I'm a lone parent and have enough to do. At 14, I told him I was no longer chasing him for it and he had a week to sort it out or he'd be doing his own laundry.

7 years later, he's been doing his own laundry ever since, plus several other jobs around the house as he is also now an adult (living at home whilst at university).

You're the parent, parent him.

breast it's easy in the toddler pre-school and junior years through. I had it sorted in those days.
My tweens have lost screens and pocket money and still don't care. It's still me literally picking up the pieces.

Of course you have no authority. He has no consequences for behaving badly, refusing to do what is asked, and treating you like shit.

FFS