I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

My DS is really fussy with food - it's definitely a condition. It sounds like he's feeling like he needs to find a way to stay in control when things are uncertain. Try not to punish him about the food. MN is very intolerant of fussy eaters.

Making a new bagel completed defeated the point of the exercise. What happened to the first bagel? And don't give him a choice for his evening meal. Surely with 3 people in the house you cook one meal which you all eat?

OP, you keep saying that he is miserable.

Have you considered that he has just worked out that it works for him? That he's realised mummy is so anxious/worried about him being miserable that she will let him do whatever he wants? It's probably not even something he does consciously anymore - it's just learned behaviour.

Stop worrying about him being miserable. Ignore it and just carry on with your day around him. He'll soon get bored of it.

Try not to punish him about the food

Being given a choice between two things he likes is not a punishment.

Is there something else you would like to eat??!!

Surely that should read: you have got what you asked for, so that's it!

Sounds as though you are spoiling this young man. He will be a fussy eater if you let him be.

BogRollBOGOF

My youngest found herself at the childminder in her pjs once because she had until 7.30am and then we were leaving whatever she was wearing... never happened again.

I also took my son's toothbrush to school when he was in year 7 because he told me he'd brushed his teeth and he hadn't (was a regular thing). I phoned in advance to see what time break was and asked the office to get a message to him to meet in the foyer where I discreetly handed over a wash bag and sent him into the school toilet. Told him that if it ever happened again, I'd be far less discreet. Also never happened again...

Kids are miserable without boundaries and structure. They are miserable when they feel like nobody is properly in charge. It's that "who is flying this plane?" feeling.

@redbigbananafeet - I ended up throwing the bagel away.

And that’s another problem, I don’t cook one meal. Sometimes I have to cook three different meals. If I don’t cook what DS(18) doesn’t want to eat he just won’t eat, he will go for juice instead.

Just remember that he is the 8 year old and you are the adult/parent.

So what if he sulks. Ignore him if he sulks. If he chooses a meal then refuses when in front of him that's not being fussy he's fucking with you.
Tomorrow when you serve him what he has asked for if he refuses he gets nothing till the next meal. If he sulks ignore him. If he's rude take the tech away.

18 year old can sort themself out if he doesn't want what you are having.

OP then let him not eat! Your youngest should have been given that breakfast bagel. It’s easy to say but you have to start lying down the new rules as of tomorrow morning. You’ve made a good start by coming up with your first set of rules. Good luck

8 is a hard age for kids
OCD aggravates that hard age
Lockdown is super hard for everyone including you
We're not in a normal setting and he's probably just finding it difficult.

I don't know what you can do with your son, you know him best but let me tell you what works/worked for mine

DS is now 10
At 8 he had a chore chart. It had things like clear the table, make the bed, get up with no fuss, help in the house/garden etc etc
Each star got 20p and we picked what he wanted and worked towards it. He had few restrictions on how to spend the money so it gave him some freedom. TBF we started it at 4 or 5 so it worked well as he had seen the benefits.
No screens on a school night.....ooh the tantrums getting him off dictated this
Only 2 hours of screen time at any one time
Exercise 'earns' extra screen time
PS4 is GONE for him not doing as told/being cheeky/answering back/having screen meltdowns (when not allowed on screen/not coming off screen). How long it was gone would depend on DS's attitude
No PS after 8pm
At 7 he lost it for the whole summer holidays due to crappy attitude,
He does get asked what he wants for breakfast and lunch but not for evening meal. He doesn't have to eat but there isn't anything else (I do make things I know he likes)
If the sun is shining there is no screen time regardless of the day and how much he's had it before. However wet days mean a little more time.
Bedtime is strict, very little changes this. I don't care what he does up there, he can sleep, read, play but it's done quietly.
It all sounds perfect doesn't it.....well there can be a lot of shouting and food slamming in our house but I NEVER back down, never have.
Lockdown rules
Up by 9am
2-3 hours of school per day
All daily tasks from teacher MUST be done and at the beginning of the week we set a plan of extra daily lessons.
Daily walk with family.....NO excuses
He's allowed an hour on PS4 in the afternoon and 2 hours at night but only on the understanding once he can go out and play again that we will go back to no school days PS4.

I've had the silent treatment, him being sullen, screaming like a toddler, slamming doors, general stroppy behaviour. I leave him for a while and then we talk about it.
Meltdowns are now every few months (maybe a bit more just now) rather than weekly/bi weekly.

Sorry for the length of this post. I hope you can take just one thing that might work for you. Be strong, set new rules and stick to consequences
Oh BTW teachers tell me he's a joy to have in the classroom, not my classroom tho.

You seem nervous of your own sons. It's your home, you are in charge!

And if an 18 yo drinks juice and refuses his meals so what? Why do you feel it is your job to act as housekeeper and servant to your children?

Lack of routine and boundaries makes children (and adults) miserable, especially if they don't get enough sleep and exercise.

Lack of routine makes people anxious because it creates such a huge burden of having to think, and negotiate, about what is happening every hour and half hour of the day. Exhausting. Whereas routine means you get the rewards of action without the prior burden of thinking. You can save your thinking energy for fun 'extra-curricular' and creative stuff.

That's probably the main reason we've stuck to a school timetable during lockdown. The pain of having to negotiate our way through each and every day would be immense. It has the benefit of having come from the school, so it's the teacher asking for the work to be done, I'm just helping and supervising.

It sounds as though you've gone the other way to avoid negotiation and just given in to whatever your son wants, all day every day.

I remember hating times in my childhood and teenage years that were unstructured for any prolonged time. I loved having time to myself to read for whole afternoons or evenings. But a succession of days when no-one's bothered to organise anything and especially if there's no exercise, leads very quickly to lethargy, a sense of abandonment, and misery.

Point being, letting kids 'do what they want' is not kind.

Is there an adult man in your household? What's his part in all this?

What do you think your 18yo will do when he leaves home? Can he cook, clean, manage money and look after himself when needed?

I'm afraid he does sound like someone who will very soon be seeking out a mummy-servant figure, with low self-esteem, as a girlfriend. That will limit his dating pool quite considerably. Lack of competence and independence will limit his career and general life chances too.

Independence is a valuable gift. Dependence is a double burden (on the depended upon and the person who depends upon them).

I would say - don't ask DS18 to help you parent his brother. It will make things more difficult between him and you, and him and his brother.
DS8 is YOUR responsibility.
Don't pander to their food whims - especially DS18, he can make his own meals if he doesn't want what you have prepared. You're wasting food, money and your time and energy on them.
If DS8 has an online class or assembly, say he has to attend it or no device time that day. Get some structure in to his life.

It’s been an absolute nightmare this morning!

I made it clear to both boys that I will not be cooking two different breakfasts this morning so they need to agree on something they both want, they agreed on home made pancakes and fruit (I love cooking, so it’s never a problem)

DS(8) said he would like the pancakes to be “round, like a circle” I explained to him that it’s not going to be a perfect circle, he said it can be if I try my hardest and then it will be great.

Refused to touch his breakfast because the pancakes wasn’t the perfect circle, I told him he either eats that or has nothing at all. He then asked for a bagel instead, I said I’m not going to make him a bagel after what he did yesterday.

DS(18) said that if he didn’t want it, he will eat them. DS(8) said no because I made them for him, picked up his plate and put the plate in the bin.

I’ve taken the Nintendo switch from him, I am not having this little boy rule me anymore, I’ve had to listen to him tell me that I’m horrible and that he is going to call the police on me because I’ve stolen it from him and that he is going to steal something of mine.

@lottie DS(18) is capable of doing everything for himself, and currently has a girlfriend.

Why tf did you make him a fresh bagel??!! You’re falling at the first hurdle!! Get a grip!!!!!

@Azaziel Hi, I didn’t make him a fresh bagel, I told him that I wouldn’t because what he done yesterday.

Azaziel I don't think she did?
OP DS is bound to push back at the change. This isn't going to be easy, just stick to it.
DS8 is out of order, he cannot behave this way. Don't back down. He is using food to control you and trying to control his big brother too.

Well done! That’s a great start. Your boys are very lucky! Breakfasts like that are a treat in our house.
Keep firm. If he told me I’m
Phoning the police I’d say ‘Go and do it and you’ll be in a lot of trouble for wasting police time’ then move away from him. Don’t get into any negotiations or pleading.
Well done - you’re stronger than you think!

"That's your choice" is a useful mantra.
You've done your side of the bargain, providing the food that they requested.
It was his choice to bin it for being imperfect. He gets nothing else. He has chosen to go to lunchtime without.

Wanting perfectly round food and going ballistic is the level that my son with ASD was working on when he was a toddler. It still does not mean indulging every whim though because they have to live and function in a world of imperfectly round food. I do also wonder if there is more to the difference in behaviour in different settings; DS masks and vents everything at home. He still needs consistent boundaries though, and if there is anything more with the anxiety and OCD, then parenting is normally something concentrated on eaely on anyway.

It will be a shock to him that you are changing the goalposts and that transition phase will not be pretty, but it is worth it in the long term.

Well done @ChiaWatermelon